Category: Ramblings

Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM · Silly

Weird day…

Tracy8 Comments

Ever have those days where you feel like your living it in another body? And, not in a bad way.

Ruby and I did our show on blog talk radio today, The Padded Room. It was a great time with our guest Linni. Today was part one, and next Thursday we will be doing part 2 with Linni. She has overcome addiction, abuse, and now faces a new chapter in her life, Diabetes. You can hear the archives of today’s show here.

After the show, I did my pedaler, watched a couple more Criminal Minds I had DVR’d, and then got in the shower.

I was planning on hanging out and playing Nintendo with dd#3, then an iCal alarm on my MAC went off. It was time for Amy Harden’s Show, Postcards from OZ, on the rlrn blog talk radio. I got in the chat room and Amy mentioned she was on her own today, no co-host. I told her if she needed me, I’d log in and co-host. It was not something I had planned on doing, but I’m so glad I did. The topic was:
Rheumatoid Arthritis: Keeping a Positive Mindset through Holistic Living with Sandy Guerriere.

It was a great show, and Sandy and me have a lot of the same mindset when it comes to foods and what we put in our bodies in regards to our health. If you get a chance, listen to the archives here. We all had a great time. Thanks to Amy for letting me co-host.

It was all so surreal though. It was like it was me doing all of this today, but yet it was not. Not sure that makes much sense to anyone but me. lol

We just had tostadas for dinner, hubby made, and then I got back on the computer and it was an all freaky feeling kind of happening. lol Kind of like an out-of-body thing. But, again, not in a bad way. Kind of a cool feeling really. Maybe it is a feeling of accomplishment or something. I felt pretty useful today, which does not happen often. So, maybe that’s it…I don’t know, but there you have it!!

Now dd#3 and I will be watching some new DVR’d Criminal Minds, with our men Derek Morgan [Shemar Moore] and Dr. Spencer Reid [Matthew Gray Gubler]!!

YUMMY x2

Blessings and Hope!!

Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM

Cool Beans

Tracy3 Comments

For the second year in a row, my hubby and his co-workers have had fundraisers, bake sales, and did the MS Walk in support of moi. Next year I am going to design a cool logo for our team, Tracy’s MSKateers. I cannot even explain how I felt in 2009 when Roger told me his buddies from work were going to start doing my walk. Then, again in 2010. We are hoping to do this yearly. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to walk across the finish line when they find the cure! It could happen!!

My Heros!!

Then, I find out tonight from my girl Ruby, that Shemar Moore’s mom has MS as well.

Beautiful

Shemar and some of his Criminal Minds co-stars have done the Bike for MS. I think I love him and the show even more now!! lol I’m sure that would just make their dayz!! 😛

Blessings and Hope!!

Ramblings · RANDOM

Out of sync…

Tracy4 Comments

All morning I kept looking at my clock waiting to get to BTR and get The Padded Room going. Then I realized it’s Wednesday not Thursday. I even marked off my calendar and looked right at it. Talk about a DUH moment!!

Doh!

Think I did not get enough sleep last night from staying up until 1am watching DVR’ed Criminal Minds!! It’s become like crack to me, crack TV all the way. Shemar Moore is just so fiiiiine!!

eye candy...

OMG, think I need to get my pedaling done for the day…off to a late late start!! Tis all good!

Baby Steps ya know.

Blessings and Hope!

Ramblings · RANDOM

Easy Tuesday!

Tracy9 Comments

My #2 dd [darling daughter] has a friend over. My #1 ds [darling son] is on his computer and in and out of the house. My #3 dd is sitting in the room with me playing Mario Party 7 on the Wii. I did my 15 mins of my pedaler and my arm exercises. Then got in the shower [not an easy thing to do]. I cannot wait until I can finally get in and out of the shower easier. A friend of Roger’s is coming by sometime soon to price out working on our new accessible shower. It is going to be so cool to shower with ease and not have someone coming in constantly to check on me.

eeeek!!

Mark your calendars for this Thursday, June 10th. The Padded Room: Unlocked and Unplugged, will be welcoming our fab friend Linni to the show. Ruby and I hope to see you there! It’s more fun in the padded room with friends!! mwaaahhhh

Join us!

Hope y’all are having a terrific Tuesday!!

Blessings and Hope!

Hope · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Silly

Clarification…

Tracy4 Comments

No, for those who have asked via email, I’ll never become one of those ‘shiny-happy-people’!! ROFL

Not that being a ‘shiny-happy-person’ is bad, but it’s just not me. There will still be days when I want to scream and whine, I’m sure, but hopefully not as much. I do kind of think that ‘shiny-happy-people’ must be a little off though. I mean really, how can anyone be that way ALL the time. Everyone at some point has had a ‘bad’ day. Well, maybe if you are medicated and have no clue of the world around you it may work. hmmmmm Might be a plan. Bellevue hospital maybe? Think about it, room and board, food fixed for you, linens changed, any and all meds you may need, can it get any better than that.

Just Kidding!!

But, seriously… I still look at my wheel-chariot and feel bummed every day. I’m just going to try and not let the feelings take me over. Not being able to walk is so frustrating for me. My mind feels like I can just get up and get moving, but  my body says, “NOPE!”, loudly. This is something I will need to work on and learn to cope with. It will take time, but I will get through it. Sometimes when I watch movies, see people walking, I can feel my eyes tear up and the moisture roll down my cheek. Funny thing is at that moment I do not even realize it until the taste of salt hits my lips. The fatigue, the DDD, the tummy and colon issues, and all the rest, even the incontinence are not what make me blue, it’s losing my ability to walk and have the strength I once had. I do not think I have ever realized where the pain comes from deep inside. I’m trying to look and see my triggers and recognize them so that I do not lose myself again.

I’m hoping by working on my legs with the pedaler, and my arms with the hand job [shake weight], that I can get a bit of strength back. I decided on a 2 day on 1 day off plan. 2 days of the exercise and 1 day off. I thought long and hard about when I fell of the wagon, so to speak, almost 2 years ago. It was when I got to feeling better I over did everything. It caught up with me and I crashed. So this time I am going to watch and learn my limitations. Kind of like, on the third day she rests!! lol

zzzzzzzzz

Hope your today was a good one!

Blessings and Hope!

Hope · Ramblings · RANDOM

Hope Floats

Tracy17 Comments

On Saturday [yesterday] got my butt out of bed and got showered and got moving. Did my pedaler for 15 mins, while starting my book ‘T is for Trespass’, and then got Roger going so we could go together to Sam’s Club and Wally World. This used to be our ‘thing’ we did together every weekend up until a couple months ago. I stopped going. I would take my meds and veg out and send him on his own. Part of my new ‘me’ is to get back to the things I left behind. We always have fun together even if it is grocery shopping. I finally got him moving and went on our Saturday outing together again. It felt so good to get back to life.

Roger used to work out 3 times a week, and go MX riding on Sundays.

brrp brrp

He stopped all that the same time I gave in to my MS. I should have seen the signs, but I was to caught up in my poor me, pour me a drink attitude. I’m hoping that now, he will get back to it. Our house was much more calm when we were both in our ‘right’ minds! 😛

Hope you all have a fabulous Sunday. I am off to ‘pedal’ for a bit!!

Blessings and Hope!!

Anger · Fear · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Ramblings

Epiphany? Wicked wake up call…

Tracy30 Comments

It all started with an email from my hubby that had me in tears. I knew it was time to take it, my life, back from my illness[s]. He is suffering emotionally and physically due to my illness. I finally realized that once upon a time, I said I would not let my disease[s] take me over. I realize now, I have done just that. I have literally stopped trying and have been letting it all take me away from me. Almost like I am laying down to die. The ‘why bother’, the ‘who cares anyway’. This person is NOT me! I am and have always been a fighter. I do not give up on things. It may take me a bit to finish certain things in my life, but I will finish them in the end. I am no quitter.

I have Primary Progressive MS, spastic colon, incontinence, degenerative disc disorder, prone to anxiety attacks, depression [sometimes severe], esophagus issues, pain, tremors, and too many little things that come with all this to mention. BUT, I can work with some of these. Food is my biggest enemy. Gluten, soy, dairy, certain veges and seed items are bad for Autoimmune disorders. They can cause terrible problems for me. Processed foods, and fake sugars and fake fats are bad as well. I know this and almost 2 years ago I changed my lifestyle and cut out the crap foods and learned to eat the right way. No supplement drinks, pills, or ‘fake’ foods. I lost over 20 pounds and felt great. No, it did not make me walk again, no it did not cure me, but it sure helped my overall emotional self. My stomach issues all about disappeared.  My fatigue lessened. I still had my not so great days, bu they were much fewer.

So WTF happened?? I gave up. I gave in. I got down one day and let it take me over and went back to my old habits. Gained the weight back and all the good things that happened faded. I could not find my way back. Now, I am  not saying this was a bad thing or even that I won’t have bad days again. I am saying that I am going to work at getting ME back. Fighting this wicked disease that has crippled me and do everything I can TO find my way back.

And it all began from the email from my  hubby. He loves me, completely and true. But, he started losing himself. Sadness and fear overtook him. The worry for me was killing him. I was letting my disease kill me slowly. I was not seeing what it was doing to him and my children. I was lost in my MS. I knew as I read that letter that I needed to take a stand against my MS. I got up and got my ass over to me motorized pedaler and got to work. I lifted my small weights and am slowly getting back to eating the way humans are supposed to eat. Not the way the BS food industry says we should eat. They do not care about us, they care about selling shit food to us and making money off of us. NO more.

Will I slip? Will I have bad days ahead? Will I lose myself again? Maybe! But that’s ok. It’s all about baby steps.

Baby steps here…

to be continued…

Anger · Family · Health · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm

What?

Tracy12 Comments

Really...you do it then!

For those not wanting a ‘pissy’ read, then move the fuck on. Sometimes life sucks REALLY bad. I listen to all your, waahhhh gotta tummy ache, waahhhh gotta cold, so you can listen to my fuckin’ waaaaahhhhhh I have Primary Progressive MS. Your tummy ache and cold will go away, my MS is only getting worse.

Part of my today is depression. Mama Jean has been gone for 2 years today. She was my Alanon sponsor and she saved me many times. I miss her so much my heart hurts. I cannot seem to get a grip today. I add my lil sarcastic quips, music videos, etc to cover my pain. Acting like life is O.K!! But it’s not.

My favorite wind chime broke today. So, having good tools and figuring an easy fix I took it apart and readied it for some Tracy fixin’. It went ok in the beginning, then my hands just stopped working right. I kept dropping it and that just got me depressed even more. WHY!! Fine, I have MS, but why the fuck does it have to keep getting worse. WHY the fuck me? And DO NOT say, ‘why not you’. All you’ll get back is well then why not you ASS?!

Most people can just get up and go, do things, parties, see friends, etc. I can’t, not anymore. Long drives, not easy. I have to make sure wherever I am going is REALLY crippled accessible. Just ’cause it says ACCESSIBLE, does not mean it is. Sitting in the same position for too long causes the shakes and pain. My legs swell and hurt. And for us, it’s me that needs to stop every hour to pee. Let’s just say ‘rite aid’ brand pull-ups rock. Oh ya that’s fun, being incontinent. Nothing better!!

Fuuuuuck!!!

Funny, not even sure where I am going with this blog. The need to vent here instead of at my family maybe.

I do not even understand why the fuck I am here. Life is about quality, and I have none. I am taking up air someone else could use. Please do not give me the ‘there is a reason for everything’ crap either. There is no reason for this. If there was then the criminals in prisons should be the ones dealing with chronic illness’. And no ‘religious’ comments either please. Faith left me a long time ago. I have my own personal relationship with my God. Right now we aren’t speaking. Well, I speak, but me thinks I’m on terminal call waiting.

I’m tired here. I can barely get from my bed to my chariot anymore. Takes me 5 minutes just to get up [sit up] in the morning if there is no one home to help me. So now we are going to figure out some sort of contraption that will hang from the ceiling that I can use to pull myself up with. Hopefully I have the strength TO pull myself up.

Shit, have no clue where I am going with this. Just needed to purge…

who really gives a shit?!
Holiday · Love · Ramblings · RANDOM

Memorial Day!!

Tracy4 Comments

Sounds like an oxymoron saying “Happy Memorial Day”. It’s not really a happy time. To me, it’s a time to fly our flags proudly and reflect on those who have lost theirs lives to protect ours. In other words, Celebrate their lives!

So, I say… Have a safe Memorial Day and Blessings to all!

Blessings and Hope!
Craziness · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Stupid Stuff

Thursday nothings

Tracy7 Comments

Had our ‘The Padded Room’ show today. All about being a burden. We did get off track a bit, but hey that is real life on real life radio. We do not do scripts as that’s not real life in our opinion. So we just kind of wing it. We always find our way back, so it’s all good!

even Borat gives us 2 thumbs up! woot!

So after the show feeling a bit blah, been a week ya know. Watched ‘Land of the Lost’. Yes, stoopid movie, but I like stupid funny movies. Anything to make me laugh. And there a few parts that crack me up. We also have a ‘Sleestak’ bank signed by Sid & Marty Croft. Hubby did the lighting rentals for the movie. It’s kind of cool and will one day be a collector’s item I’m sure. NRFB [never removed from box]

in’t he cute…

Now, Scream is on the TV!! I love horror flicks. My fav is ‘Thirteen Ghosts’. Finally a good plot, not a typical horror flick. Scream is also pretty good in my book as well. I’m getting sick of the all the 1980’s horror flick re-makes. Writers want all this money yet they can not come up with anything new. Fire em and find new writers. And they are going to strike again? Assholes!

Lately all I want to do is sleep. I so need to get motivated and get some new things in my shop. I did buy a SHAKE WEIGHT… kind of like a a hand job for your muscles. rofl Seriously. Check out the vid:

Just trying it one night, I could so feel it. Although, I will not use in public! A bit cheeky looking and a lil pervy really! 😛

Anywho, not much else happening and my meds are finally kicking in. So CYA!

Blessings and Hope!