For those not wanting a ‘pissy’ read, then move the fuck on. Sometimes life sucks REALLY bad. I listen to all your, waahhhh gotta tummy ache, waahhhh gotta cold, so you can listen to my fuckin’ waaaaahhhhhh I have Primary Progressive MS. Your tummy ache and cold will go away, my MS is only getting worse.
Part of my today is depression. Mama Jean has been gone for 2 years today. She was my Alanon sponsor and she saved me many times. I miss her so much my heart hurts. I cannot seem to get a grip today. I add my lil sarcastic quips, music videos, etc to cover my pain. Acting like life is O.K!! But it’s not.
My favorite wind chime broke today. So, having good tools and figuring an easy fix I took it apart and readied it for some Tracy fixin’. It went ok in the beginning, then my hands just stopped working right. I kept dropping it and that just got me depressed even more. WHY!! Fine, I have MS, but why the fuck does it have to keep getting worse. WHY the fuck me? And DO NOT say, ‘why not you’. All you’ll get back is well then why not you ASS?!
Most people can just get up and go, do things, parties, see friends, etc. I can’t, not anymore. Long drives, not easy. I have to make sure wherever I am going is REALLY crippled accessible. Just ’cause it says ACCESSIBLE, does not mean it is. Sitting in the same position for too long causes the shakes and pain. My legs swell and hurt. And for us, it’s me that needs to stop every hour to pee. Let’s just say ‘rite aid’ brand pull-ups rock. Oh ya that’s fun, being incontinent. Nothing better!!
Funny, not even sure where I am going with this blog. The need to vent here instead of at my family maybe.
I do not even understand why the fuck I am here. Life is about quality, and I have none. I am taking up air someone else could use. Please do not give me the ‘there is a reason for everything’ crap either. There is no reason for this. If there was then the criminals in prisons should be the ones dealing with chronic illness’. And no ‘religious’ comments either please. Faith left me a long time ago. I have my own personal relationship with my God. Right now we aren’t speaking. Well, I speak, but me thinks I’m on terminal call waiting.
I’m tired here. I can barely get from my bed to my chariot anymore. Takes me 5 minutes just to get up [sit up] in the morning if there is no one home to help me. So now we are going to figure out some sort of contraption that will hang from the ceiling that I can use to pull myself up with. Hopefully I have the strength TO pull myself up.
Shit, have no clue where I am going with this. Just needed to purge…