What?

Posted: May 30, 2010 in anger, Depression, family, health, lonliness, Ramblings, RANDOM, sarcasm
Tags:

Really...you do it then!

For those not wanting a ‘pissy’ read, then move the fuck on. Sometimes life sucks REALLY bad. I listen to all your, waahhhh gotta tummy ache, waahhhh gotta cold, so you can listen to my fuckin’ waaaaahhhhhh I have Primary Progressive MS. Your tummy ache and cold will go away, my MS is only getting worse.

Part of my today is depression. Mama Jean has been gone for 2 years today. She was my Alanon sponsor and she saved me many times. I miss her so much my heart hurts. I cannot seem to get a grip today. I add my lil sarcastic quips, music videos, etc to cover my pain. Acting like life is O.K!! But it’s not.

My favorite wind chime broke today. So, having good tools and figuring an easy fix I took it apart and readied it for some Tracy fixin’. It went ok in the beginning, then my hands just stopped working right. I kept dropping it and that just got me depressed even more. WHY!! Fine, I have MS, but why the fuck does it have to keep getting worse. WHY the fuck me? And DO NOT say, ‘why not you’. All you’ll get back is well then why not you ASS?!

Most people can just get up and go, do things, parties, see friends, etc. I can’t, not anymore. Long drives, not easy. I have to make sure wherever I am going is REALLY crippled accessible. Just ’cause it says ACCESSIBLE, does not mean it is. Sitting in the same position for too long causes the shakes and pain. My legs swell and hurt. And for us, it’s me that needs to stop every hour to pee. Let’s just say ‘rite aid’ brand pull-ups rock. Oh ya that’s fun, being incontinent. Nothing better!!

Fuuuuuck!!!

Funny, not even sure where I am going with this blog. The need to vent here instead of at my family maybe.

I do not even understand why the fuck I am here. Life is about quality, and I have none. I am taking up air someone else could use. Please do not give me the ‘there is a reason for everything’ crap either. There is no reason for this. If there was then the criminals in prisons should be the ones dealing with chronic illness’. And no ‘religious’ comments either please. Faith left me a long time ago. I have my own personal relationship with my God. Right now we aren’t speaking. Well, I speak, but me thinks I’m on terminal call waiting.

I’m tired here. I can barely get from my bed to my chariot anymore. Takes me 5 minutes just to get up [sit up] in the morning if there is no one home to help me. So now we are going to figure out some sort of contraption that will hang from the ceiling that I can use to pull myself up with. Hopefully I have the strength TO pull myself up.

Shit, have no clue where I am going with this. Just needed to purge…

who really gives a shit?!

Comments
  1. coachmombabe says:

    Tracy, all I can think to say is I love you, and I’m sorry. Yeah, I know it’s not my fault and all that. And you don’t want pity, I know that. You know, you are loved by so many that would change this for you in a heartbeat if we had the power to do that.

    So I’ll just leave it at I love you. Lots! ❤ <3<3

    Like

  2. Kristi says:

    I’m sure not the best person to give encouraging words, I have had plenty of days like this too, I don’t really know what gets me through, probably my kids. Focus on yours, maybe that’ll do it. I had to giggle when you wrote “on terminal call waiting”, I like that. See, even when you are having a bad day, you are still able to make others smile! (and just think, if you get something to pull yourself up and that strength, I am not going to want to arm wrestle you!)

    Many hugs coming your way!

    Like

  3. C.P.C says:

    Tracy feel what you need to feel babe, you have a right. …Release it when you need to…you have aright.
    You are love and you are loved.

    Like

  4. Nicki C. says:

    Not sure what else to say other than, I love you! ❤ And am always here if you need someone to vent to.

    Like

  5. Tina Sickinger says:

    Tracy, all I can say is I love you and I am here for you!

    Like

  6. Frannie says:

    I loves ya too Tracy 🙂 I know we haven’t known each other for very long and we have never met In person, but I do loves ya!! so vent away whenever you want or just WTF! Im here to listen.
    (((Hugz)))

    Like

  7. Kat says:

    YOU are MY hero! YOU are my strength when I feel I have none.. YOU are my Best Friend, even though we are thousands miles away! You always have my ears for when you need to just chat, vent, cry, scream, or laugh, my shoulders may be small, but they are here for you when you need to use them, and you have my whole heart.. And may you have all my strength when you need it most!
    I loves you sweetie, and you go right ahead and vent.. You have every damn right too!! and well, if no one likes it, then may the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of those that do you harm… and may their arms be too short to scratch!

    Like

  8. Dodie says:

    Tracy, I’m so sorry you deal with this crap every day like I do with my M.D.
    As far as the religious views, I’m on the “outs” with the whole religion thing too. If there was an almighty God, then why would those of us who haven’t done wrong in our lives get dealt the hand we have now. The ones that do nothing but wrong with their lives need to have something thrown their way to see how they handle it. They couldn’t!
    I’ll just keep pushing on with my Limb-Girdle muscular dystrophy, severe scoliosis from the lgmd, & stage IV ovarian cancer. I’ve gotta try to keep going as much as I can.
    Love ya!

    Like

  9. Annie says:

    Tracy………………………I love you!!!! And FFS why don’t ya say it like it is and stop pussy footing around……
    Big hugemongous hugs
    xxx

    Like

  10. R. G. Maines says:

    Tracy,
    I love you. I know how you feel, though my disability is different, the emotions are similar. You may not believe it, but your voice speaks for so many of us. You put words, so honestly and directly, to what so many of us feel, but can’t necessarily express.

    I don’t care what anyone else says, I look for your venting blogs… they reassure me that what I’m feeling isn’t odd or strange, that I’m not alone, they help me reflect on my own ‘stuff’.

    Please know I’m here anytime you want or need to talk.

    (((Hugs))) and Love oxoxox

    Like

  11. Marya1961 says:

    I hope nobody outside of this forum has made any remarks to you about venting your anger and frustration, if so, they need a major ‘tude adjustment…of course, you should scream, cry, yell, vent..never keep it bottled up, let it all out, my sister!..Love you lots!! XO

    Like

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