anger · Darkness · Death · dehumanization · Depression · family · Fear · lonliness · Movies · Ramblings

Completely Empty

  I’m not even sure how to explain it. And I truly am sad most days, but today as I opened my eyes I felt nothing. Completely void. I was alone for about an hour and realized I didn’t have any water. I forgot to ask for some before my son left for work. And over that small little thing, I just sat there, emotionless with tears running down my face.

 Only emotion I feel lately is anger. Anger because we cannot afford for me to have in-home care. My insurance company, one of the big ones, doesn’t cover that. And God forbid my husband‘s company pays him what he’s worth.  He’s given near 20 years for that company. He’s trained more people there than anyone and never got paid for that. And all the while he did his own work as well.  And the people he trained. now make much more money than he does. I guess because where he works most people are familied in. Yet my husband has more letters of recommendation and more people that will only work with him than anyone else. He gets calls at home from people for help. But this multi million dollar company can’t pay him enough for all his dedication and hard work.

And yes my husband has taken time off, for me to help me. He uses his vacation time and sick pay he’s never taken off the company without using his own hours. Everyone else is constantly on vacation. But that’s what the higher ups do in my husband’s company they go on vacation and leave the work to the real people who know what their doing. And then someone had the nerve to mention my husband taking time off. Again he uses his sick and his vacation pay so it doesn’t come out of the fucking company.  And I pay attention, his colleagues take vacations all the time. But they actually get to take vacations my husband’s “vacations” are usually spent with me in the hospital.

 My husband is a good man and the best at the job he does. Like I said it’s not just coming from me it’s coming from stacks of letters I have at home that people have sent him. And I did work with him years ago and many times people called they would only work with him.

 If anyone reads this that works with him, cut him some slack. I wrote this only me. Because for 20 years I’ve watched my husband works his ass off but because he’s not an “ass kisser”  and honestly that’s what most of those people want. And I’m glad he’s not, that’s one of the things I love about him.

 Emptiness, really sucks. You see I can’t get excited about things because I have no way to get up to do the things that might excite me. My family does what they can when they’re not at work. I can honestly say I really need a caregiver.  Maybe if I divorced my husband and go on government care that will help me.  And the sickest part of that, is people actually have to do that. We are not the richest country in the world. Our system is completely  fucked!

 Now I’m off to watch some more brain cell killing TV.  And that is my life.

Peace ✌

anger · HELL · Pain · sadness · SoapBox

Wanting me to be real…

WARNING!!!! “F” bomb alert!!

So for many years I hid my pain in jokes, sarcasm and laughter. It was easier for me and less upsetting for those around me. So many people told me, “Be Real” “Tell the truth about your pain” “Ask for help”…

So, in the past year or so I tried this route only to have it thrown back in my face. Now, when I show my pain, being real, I’m told it’s for sympathy, poor me shit. REALLY! Fuck off please. I have never asked for anyone’s pity, sympathy or the poor me pour me a drink bullshit! Yet for years I listened to others pain and tried to help in any way I could. Now I’m the bad person. Again I say Fuck off please.

Then I got the, I’ll show people the real you, I’ll copy and paste emails. Really, go ahead doctor up your emails. you are the only one that will look like a childish buffoon. As for the ‘people’ who talk the shit and tell the lies…come forward, say it to me. But no, you just block me as you know damn well I will say it to your face, no need to lie or go behind any ones back. That’s all of your jobs. And for those who talked all the shit to this person, de-friend me, block, stay the fuck away from me. You are liars and pathetic. So, you all deserve one another. And if it’s who I think it all is, stop emailing me as well with your BS about this said person. Just leave me the fuck alone. Get rid of my email, my phone numbers etc., oh and grow the FUCK up! You all know who you are and you all know the ‘real’ truth.

I truly hate being this person, this angry person. And after this, hopefully these 2 faced ignorant assholes will back the fuck off and move on. I have not changed and am the same person I have always been. Love me or leave me. Ask me a question and I will tell you the truth.

I am sorry for those reading this and seeing me being this angry person, but I am so tired of being certain people’s punching bag. I have enough of my own problems, health and otherwise, so it is time this was said. I will not allow any of you to hurt me and cause me to become ill due to all the stress. And if you feel the need to comment here again, it won’t come through. If any of ya feel the need to email me, it won’t be read. So don’t waste your time or energy. Just FUCK off please.

I know the person I am and the friend I am, maybe you should look in the mirror and figure out who you are. Remember each time you point your little finger at me there are 3 pointing back at you.

I pray for you and hope that one day you will find the happiness and peace you need. I have my peace and my happiness in my family and my real friends. So really there is no need for you or room for you anymore.

When it all falls apart…I won’t be here next time. Once bitten, twice shy!!

And now I am done and will be back to my REAL self free from the toxic people that have no place in my world!


Blessings and Hope!!

Damn it feels good to purge!!!