Anger · Fear · FUCK · Health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Religion · Sarcasm · Strength

Independence Blue Cross you never cease to amaze me.

For a brief moment, I really believed today was starting out well. Then I receive a call from Independence Blue Cross. I guess they feel trying to take your life is not considered an emergency and they are fighting me on paying for my trip to the hospital. I feel like they should just come to my house and shoot me, point blank, in my head. It would be so much quicker and so much less painful for me. Basically they will not allow me to go anywhere to get proper physical therapy and they won’t even give me real visits for my home for Physical Therapy. We can’t continue to pay for private visits, we live paycheck to paycheck and can’t expect help for the visits forever. That speaks volumes to me about what is allowed in our country right now. Again, and I will scream it from the rooftops, I have never ever had this much trouble with my health care insurance until a certain orange idiot took over the White House. I think companies like Independence Blue Cross feel they can deny life-saving care for people because right now our government will allow it. Their internal doctors probably were not intelligent enough to get real jobs so they sit behind a computer to read papers regarding patients, without ever meeting the patient, and make life changing decisions.

At this time in my life I’m not too worried about karma since every day brings something more painful to my life. With that being said, I hope everyone of those people that is denying me the care I need has horrible and painful issues happen to them. I truly feel that’s the only way they will understand what it’s truly like to be chronically ill. Better yet, I hope it happens to someone they love so that they can feel just as helpless and lost as my whole family feels. Was that a bit harsh? Well you know what, it’s a fucking harsh world!

I don’t have over $5000 to be able to pay for that hospital visit. I shouldn’t have to pay for that hospital visit since we pay thousands of dollars a year to have Independence Blue Cross insurance. I don’t know how those people sleep at night. Well, I guess when you have no heart or soul it’s easy. Just remember that one day you disgusting people will have to answer for what you’ve done. While I don’t believe in the heaven and hell aspect of religion nor do I believe in the God that some believe in, if there were a hell… That’s where you people will end up! I’ll see you there, because you see I’m driving the bus… 

I will go on, and to those of you that are trying to blatantly and knowingly hurt my life, be prepared because winter is coming!

Have courage and be kind.

Fear · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · Religion

Why do we blog?

Really, why do we? Why do so many put their thoughts and emotions out the for the world to ‘read’? For me, it breaks the monotony of my daily bed-ridden life. It allows me to bitch, if you will, at the world and not my family. lol I have a story, it may not be much to some, but it’s my life. I hope that in some small way others in my position can find some hope, or at least have a laugh.

Even in my more depressing blogs, I think it helps others to know they are not alone. It’s ok to cry, scream, and lose it… once in a while. 🙂 We don’t always have to ‘hold’ it together and be strong every second. Sometimes a good cry is cleansing for the soul, and I’m talking ugly crying! lol

I also hope to bring awareness to others on how we can fight back against those who try to hurt us. Hospital treatment and the treatment we sometimes have to endure by big companies, i.e.; Insurance Companies, and big Pharma. We have to be tough and find our inner strength so these people do not run over us like we are nothing.

We are the strong. We deal with more in one day than most deal with in their lifetime. We smile through the pain, the losses, and the inhumanity of some. So believe it, we are the true Warriors!!

There are days I want to give up. There was a time, not long ago, I tried… When I awoke I was angry, I wanted to be free. Then I realized, maybe I am here for a reason. If I am able to help even just one person, maybe that’s why I am still here. I’ll be honest, the thoughts linger in my head every day. I fight like hell to never let them ‘almost’ get me again. It has nothing to do with any God or higher power. It’s my will, my power and inner child that keeps me going. We all have the inner child of strength. I truly hope you can find yours and hold on tight.

Love and Light to all

Anger · Craziness · Family · Fear · FUCK · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM · Religion · Sarcasm

Oh what a World!

Life can seriously get you down.  My newest issue, it’s the fear to go outside of my own home. I hadn’t left my home for months, and last time I left I had a little bit of an anxiety attack in my car. The day went downhill from there. I knew better but my car wouldn’t start my first thought was just stay the fuck home! BTW, if my words a little off because I’m using the speech program as it’s been really hard to type and honestly the speech programs aren’t what they say they are. I do know proper grammar, But sometimes what comes out on here isn’t what I actually said. And honestly, much too tired to go back through and fix it all so please bear with me!

My biggest issue, with not being able to go outside, is my baby sister is getting married in April at her bridal shower is this month. I would never miss it for anything! They may have to drug me to get me in the car to go, but all good as again I wouldn’t miss this for the world.

Wow! As I just read this over there are so many mistakes, and again I am so sorry for them but I really cannot type right now.

I know I’m not feeling well when I just do not want to get on the computer. Facebook is the last place I want to be right now. For a while, I think I’m just going to do some blogging on here and maybe share Facebook but not get involved too much right now as I really need a break, for me. All I want to do lately is to sleep. Depression maybe, yeah think so! I am working on getting out of my house slowly but surely. I actually went out the day after everything went crazy with my husband, and it was a little easier although I did want to get back home quickly!

Unless you have an anxiety attack, a real anxiety attack you have no idea what happens. I am so sick of the people that tell you to just breathe through it. Well you can’t fucking just breathe Through it! I had to leave my room at night out of my cozy bed and asleep in my recliner as my anxiety gets so crazy I do not want to wake up my husband. Then the breathing gets really erratic, start to sweat, the tears flow, and I just want the world to end! If it wasn’t for Valium I probably would’ve pulled all of my hair out of my head!

I hate how this affects my family, but it’s so hard to just let it all go. I try to keep it to myself, but it’s very very hard to do so. I know I have love I have friends and family, but in all honesty most people don’t want to hear about it. Most people don’t understand what it’s like to have your life taken away from you and end up in a wheelchair. Unless you’re in that situation, you really have no idea.

They say things happen for reason, I think that’s bullshit! If it were true then all of the murderers, the pedophiles, and scum in prison, would be stricken with these illnesses. So I’m sorry, but fuck that bullshit that things happen for reason!

Does it sound like an angry? Well I am angry, what’s going happen when the day comes that I wake up and can’t move,  I wake up and can’t speak. Who is going to help then, God! I don’t think so.


Peace out kids!

Religion · Sarcasm · Silly · Stupid Stuff

Ummm, is that my boob?

Roger reminded of the best part of my port surgery… at least the funniest part!

While being prepped for the procedure it was a bit cold in the room. I was being covered and all of a sudden I felt a tad chilly on my right side as if something was hanging out! Well, I knew exactly what was hanging out. 😛 I cleared my throat and asked the tech if something was ‘uncovered’. He quietly said yes. As it seemed he was a tad embarrassed, I explained to him that it was ok. Seriously, since giving birth in a room full of people, my modesty has done flown out the window!!

Peace out… for now! mwaaaaahhh

Family · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM · Religion · Sarcasm · Strength

Fight or Flight?

We all know what this means. In a crisis we either fight or we run. Which would you do? Lately I’ve been running or rolling as it would be. And I’m not a ‘roller’! I’ve always been a fighter. And definitely not a quitter, which is also what I have been doing as of late. I know that the fight is inside of me. I was physically attacked many moons ago in front of my apartment building. I fought and the guy ran away. So, I know the fight is there, I just need to find her again. This is not to say there will be many days I want to quit, but I am looking for my little fighter again. I know that if my PPMS were a person I would have kicked the shit of out her a long time ago. Fighting the MS will be tricky as ‘she’ is not a tangible being. But when has that stopped me before?

Look out Bitch!!

The past week has been very rough and it is not over yet. Hands still shaking, legs still weaker than normal, transferring is tough, fatigue is kicking my ass. I’m still quite depressed, as being in this fucking chair is really getting old. The first thing I see when awakening is my chair and it is the last thing I see when I go to sleep. A HUGE reminder that I am crippled. I think it is so hard because I know what it is like to walk, to be able to go when I please, have Independence… ALL of which was ripped out from under me, literally!

I am hoping the ‘fight’ in me comes back. I cannot make any promises as I have no idea what each day is going to bring. I am terrified of going to sleep as I never know when waking if my body will have finally succumbed to the MS. Will I wake up totally paralyzed? What then? I know there will be days and blogs where my pain will come through like a punch in the face, so be prepared.

I only have myself and my inner strength to count on. I know I have family and friends, but this fight is solely up to me. No one can ‘fix’ my emotions but myself. Some have suggested counseling… sorry but talking to someone in high heels and who is healthy is NOT for me. I do not care how many books they have read or how many people they know in a wheelchair, they are not living it so they have no clue! This is FACT not fiction!

Well the hands are getting weak and my head is staring to nod, so I’m out!

But, before I go, good luck with the Rapture! I know I’ll still be here tomorrow as will everyone else. Well, maybe not the quacks that believe this, hopefully they will go! 😛

xx, Tracy...
Ramblings · RANDOM · Religion

Setting the record straight!


nuff said

I do not expect everyone to leave Etsy for my reasons of principle and morality. I know some who have and commend them on their ideals.

Etsy has changed their terms, which sadly in my eyes did nothing to change my mind. There are still cards up on the site that promote hate and intolerance. There is a card there, in the shop in question, with Jesus on a cross and it states, “What does some dead guy have to do with this holiday anyways? Merry Christmas”. WTF Really, that does not go against the ‘new’ terms!!!

I will not sell there or buy from there any longer. This is just me!

With that said, I know that there are people who rely on Etsy for income and cannot just pack up their shops and leave. I get that and am not trying to demean them or ridicule them for staying. The way the times are, some cannot afford to leave, and I DO get that. So do not demean or ridicule me for leaving. That’s all I’m saying.

For me,  ArtFire is less expensive [monthly fee only and no extra % on your sale] and has a better set-up. I will do my best to promote ArtFire for the amazing Artisan site it really is.


My ArtFire


Ramblings · Religion

To be healed one must know how to pray…

To understand this, one must read here, and look to the comments.

I’m really not trying to be dis-respectful, but when this crap comes to my blog I will have to write about it.

Ruby and I have had people pray for us, do rosaries, etc.. I even have 2 crosses blessed with holy water from Lourdes, France.

His comments to this were:

And many people don’t understand how healing works in the bible so they do what they know to do and pray as they have been taught by Churches who don’t even know what they’re doing.


@ Tracy…first of all thanks for your reply. But where does it say in the bible to “repeat rosaries for someone who is sick?” or have a “cross dipped in holy water from Lourdes France?”. These sound like Catholic rituals to me that man made up because God hides wisdom from the wise and reveals it unto babes.

To view the full comments refer to the link above.

Well his ideology sounds like cult rituals to me, and how dare he talk that way about the people who do this for us with love.

I am not even sure what to say to this. He states, in his blog that MS is caused by those who hate themselves. WTF!! This type of ideology is, well it’s BULLSHIT and can be dangerous. Can you imagine, this quack says he is going to heal someone and BAM it does not work. Why, well I’m sure it will be because the person’s faith was not good enough. What would that do to someone who might also be severely depressed or very faithful?

And there is it. What happens when it doesn’t work? What will be his reasoning then? The person hates themselves, they have no faith, they did not take it seriously. That could send someone over the edge.

He said we were disrespectful, yet he disrespected those who pray for us. What’s that about? My take, he’s disrespectful to others beliefs and ideals. Very sad indeed as it is people like this, who turn others away from Christianity. In my [not so humble] opinion!

Blessings and Hope!

Ramblings · Religion


All over the net I read things people write regarding illegals, health care, blah blah blah. Send the illegals back where they came from. Why should I have to pay for some welfare case’s health care. The people writing these disgusting comments… Christians. Or at least that is what they call themselves.

So, I ask you… What Would Jesus Do?

Be merciful to all!

We are human beings, children of God, or so ‘they’ say. Well if that’s how Jesus would treat people, I want no part of it.

People come here looking for a better life. The majority are hard working men and women. Of course there will be some undesirables, you will find that any where you look. But, the majority are not bad people. And they do the work we do not want to do. Are you gonna get off your ass and do the jobs they do? If not, then shut the hell up. Is there a right or wrong answer to this? NO… so W.W.J.D?

Then you have those that do not want to pay to help our Healthcare system. Most are not welfare cases. Many are men and women that cannot get full time hours as most companies do not want to pay for health care. So these people work 2 or more jobs to pay for some sort of health care for their kids. Many times they cannot afford for themselves. But, God no, why should we have to pay for them. Why, because they are human beings.

Let’s hold the big corporations responsible for it. Speak out and tell them to get health care for their workers. Oh wait, they cannot afford it because the health care industry runs the world and they want money, nothing else.

Well, I would much rather spend my tax money on health care then paying for city beautification, that we never see happen. Or paying to help politicians rip us off some more.

So again, to all you Christians, W.W.J.D. I guess He’d just let them suffer and die, right? Even though my faith is not what you’d call strong right now, I do not think He’d let this happen.

Just wait…one day when you have to go before the Lord…you think you’re in… He is going to ask you… why, why did turn away my children when they only wanted a better life? Why, why did you turn away the sick people when they only wanted to be well?

I’d love to be there for your answer, because I think you are going to be quite surprised where you end up!

Remember, the only reason you are where you are, is the luck of the biological draw.

Blessings and Hope!

Anger · PAIN · Ramblings · Religion

May I have some cheese with my Whine? Whiny Bitch alert!

Will you call the whaaaaambulance? How about some whhaaburgers and some french cries with a Mountain Boo Hoo!!

This be me…

Finally got rid of a two day migraine. A couple Ibuprofen for the pain, Benadryl to help me sleep, and coffee when I finally woke up this afternoon. Relief… for a lil bit anyways!!

Now my friggen right side of my jaw is in so much pain I cannot think straight. Is it my teeth? Maybe. Could it be a jaw issue? Maybe. I do not want to go to the dentist. I floss 2-5 times a day and brush twice day. WTF!! It’s probably thanks to all the amazing medications thanks to my MS causing my teeth issues. The dentist told me before, it can happen that way. Again I say…WTF!! Really?? One pain goes away and an even more agonizing pain starts. I almost squeezed a whole thing of Orajel on the right side of my mouth. When will the insanity stop, or at least cut me a fucking break??

How much am I, or anyone else for that matter, supposed to take. Please do not quote anything to me either. I think I have had my share of pain, my share of sadness, my share of shit. People tell me, ‘ You’re never given more than you can handle!’ Bullshit, that ended about 3+ years ago when a chair became my only means of ‘walking’.  I cannot take anymore, take it back, I do not fucking want it.

So, now it is probably root canal time. Really…am I going to miraculously get the money for it?? Don’t think so. So, I will just have to deal with the pain for awhile.

Please do not tell me it could be worse. As it does get worse every day. Funny thing is, no one with disabilities or illness’ ever say that, it’s the ‘healthies’ that do. So I say to them, ‘It could be worse!” But I hope for them it does not become worse.

Ok, I am off my ‘Whiny Bitch’ soap box….for now!!

Blessings and Hope!

Politics · Ramblings · Religion

Why? Rambling…

Why is it that when talking politics or religion, some revert to name calling or attacking another’s character if they disagree with them?

Ok, we know why. They have nothing better to say and/or no back up for their argument. Names such as; Czar, Hitler, Nazi, or comments like this; confuse a liberal…..use FACTS AND LOGIC !!!!!!!!!!! ~~~ Really???

I mean, do our brains do a time warp back to elementary school? Do they really think they look and/or sound ‘intelligent’ when speaking this way?

I think they do, or why would they use name calling as their ‘defense’!?

Just thinking aloud…

Blessings and hope!