Craziness · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm · Silly · Stupid Stuff

Have the day you deserve! Wednesday feelings…

It seems sarcasm and humor pisses people off. Well unfortunately that’s how I get through my days. The Internet is full of keyboard warriors. you’re really tough behind that computer screen aren’t you? 😂 The saddest part about it is if they really knew who you were, they would understand how you’re feeling and why sometimes a snarky joke gets me through the day. Instead they have to make a public announcement of how disappointed they are in you. Seriously I could care less what you think of me or if you’re disappointed in me. You’re not my parents nor are you my husband or children. If you have a problem with someone, be adult, message them instead of calling them out in front of everyone because you need attention. If something I post offends you, then scroll right by. i’ve been out of high school for a very long time and I don’t need it in my life now. I’m very happy that on many social media sites you can unfriend, unfollow, and block people. It’s much easier to just do that instead of making an announcement. Toxic people suck. I guess that me being brutally honest and unapologetically me doesn’t work for some people. Oh well… Bye Felicia 😇

As always, have courage and be kind.

Anger · Craziness · Darkness · Health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Strength · Stupid Stuff

Trapped Inside

This GIF popped up on Facebook and when I saw it I felt empty. I decided to post it because it really does sum up my life. I have been trapped inside my decaying body for approximately 6 years 2 months. It is actually a bit more but I removed doctors visits, visits to the store before my surgery in June 2014, and the occasional visits to my dads. In that time it equals to approximately 28-30 days that I’ve been out of my bed. I don’t know how it happened. What I mean by that is, I don’t know how it got so bad. October 10, 2013 I fell. I was transferring to go to the bathroom, and as I stood up my legs went limp like cooked noodles. They did no x-rays at the hospital that I can remember, they just really chalked it up to MS. The hospital and my doctors knew that I was unable to stand sit up, pretty much paralyzed from the waist down, etc. They did the Solu-Medrol bullshit which did nothing for me. Then they basically sent me home with no real after care.

This is where I don’t know how it all happened. The fall definitely started it, and then I go blank. The depression I remember was paralyzing just like my body. Then in a weird whirlwind of doctors appointments the next thing I knew I was scheduled for colostomy and urostomy surgeries for June 10, 2014. Was this medically necessary or was it done to make it easier for everyone around me? I don’t really know anymore.

Why wasn’t I offered acute rehab? Why wasn’t I offered in-home nursing care? I don’t know! 🤷🏻‍♀️ I do know that a friend, an RN, had to come to my house to catheterize me so I didn’t piss my bed every five minutes. Not sure why my doctors or the hospital didn’t do that for me. I also know, looking back, that I was completely fucking lost. I have never been someone to lie down and be stomped on, but I guess I could not find my strength back then. The surgery, for me, what horrific.  and the next couple of years were literally lived as if I were in a dream.I will fast forward to now, because I don’t have the energy to really talk about it much more. All I know is I am trapped in a body that is destroying itself from the inside out. Since I was denied rehab August 18, 2019 my body is deteriorating more and more. i’ve exhausted, in their mind, all appeals. DENIED!! 🤬  Because of this, my legs are becoming more contracted. Independence Blue Cross basically feels it’s not medically necessary for me, acute rehab! Because their doctors I guess are my doctors now and they know better. Are they fucking kidding me! I’m the fucking poster child for acute rehab! Here is a link of what is happening to me and what I sent to the insurance company thinking they would actually understand it and help me. Bahahaha They either cannot read or they just don’t care. I’m going with the latter. People are telling me I should contact news agencies, attorneys, etc., but the places I’ve contacted obviously don’t think that any of this is wrong. Either that or they’re just scared to death to take on Independence Blue Cross. I guess in the world we’re in right now it’s OK for companies like this to throw away the disabled, people with chronic illness, because we are the people no one really gives a shit about. And quite frankly, I’m tired!!! I have no help whatsoever! Mentally, physically… Nothing. 

I am 100% in prison for crimes that I have never committed. The prison that is my body and the four walls of my bedroom. There is only one or two people that completely understand what I’m going through that I know. And when other people say, they know what I’m going through, they completely understand, yet that person/persons are shown standing up in pictures and going places with family… no, you have no fucking clue what I’m going through. And you should be really fucking glad you don’t. If I were able to even stand up I would never be in this fucking bed. So please don’t talk of things of which you know nothing about. You may share my illness but you don’t share what’s happening to me.

What I hate the most about all of this is the person I’m slowly becoming. I really do believe I’m going to little mad, I can no longer see the light at the end of that tunnel, and I’m not sure why I even bother anymore. Yes it’s a new year blah blah blah… but for me there will be no changes. AND I am NOT being pessimistic, I’m being realistic!  I will add that you don’t need to worry people, I’m not gonna kill myself, off myself, end it, whatever. Do I think about doing that every fucking day… Yes I fucking do! But, I won’t and believe me it’s not for the reasons that you are probably thinking. And now, I think I’m done for the day and I think I’m going to medicate so that I don’t care what’s happening to me. And for those of you that act like I’m a stoner or something, fucking A right I am! Cannabis isn’t going to kill my kidneys or my liver like Norco and Xanax and all the other drugs they want to put me on. So yeah I love my weed. And to anyone that says that’s bad for you or it’s addicting or it’s a gateway drug, educate your stupid ass! Or better yet go pour yourself another drink or take one of your sleeping pills and then talk to me. OK I’m getting off base and I’m starting to get pissed so I’m going to end this for today.

So are you loving my new unapologetically me yet?

As always, have courage and be kind!

Craziness · FUCK · Health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Stupid Stuff

The word FuCk…

I made this last night and posted on Facebook because that was the type of day/night I was having. Sometimes I will literally put my pillow over my face and scream at the top of my lungs. It really does help. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The word fuck has so many different meanings. It can be used for pleasure, anger, sarcasm, jokes. I will admit, it’s my favorite word. I’ve heard that people who are sarcastic and/or use profanity are more intelligent than those that don’t. I mean hey, I fully believe that. 😜 No, I really do believe it.

I’m pretty sure I did a blog about this sometime ago, but I’m too damn lazy to check. And I don’t care. LOL I feel if I wanna do the same blog post every fucking day, I can. 😂

I’ve been told to act my age, grow up, etc.… Fuck that. I’m 55, soon to be 56 in March, I can do what I fucking want. I tell people that I’m level 55 or 30 with 25 years experience. I mean, I’ve never been this age before, so I’m not really sure who I need to look to for age experience. My body feels like it’s 1 million years old, my mind is that of a teenager. I never want to lose that part of me. That’s the part of me that gets me through the nights that I don’t want to get through. 

I’m learning that I can no longer care what people think of me. I’ve done that my whole life and I haven’t been happy. I’ve been judged by so many people and when I look at the people who are doing it, glass houses… I’m done conforming to what people want me to be. Like I’ve said, I’m going to be unapologetically me. Those that do not like the new me, can fuck off. My real family my real friends will embrace this me. The other people don’t matter. I am still a work in progress regarding this. But I’ll get there.To anyone reading this, be unapologetically you as well. You’re the only one that lives your life! ♥️

Have courage and be kind! 

Anger · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Everything happens for a reason…

 

This everything happens for a reason crap I have a hard time with. There is no good reason that my sister died from cancer, there’s no good reason that I have friends that deal with MS and also cancer. 

There is no good fucking reason that I am bedridden and deal with so much shit on a daily basis. So I am sorry but, everything happens for a reason, is a bunch of bullshit!

And it has nothing to do with faith so don’t bring that crap into this. 🤦🏻‍♀️

And the bottom line is when that “reason” happens, it better be me getting out of this bed standing up and walking all on my own.

People tell me all the time that maybe my reason for this is because I’m vocal and I make people feel like they’re not alone and I can inspire people. Honestly I would do that before I didn’t need for this to happen to be there for others and to help others. So that’s kind of a mute point.  Oh the joys of life! 🖤

Have courage and be kind!

Anger · Christmas · Craziness · Darkness · Fear · Happiness · Health · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Strength

As the year ends…

Most people at this time of year are thinking about their New Year’s resolutions getting ready for all the new things to come. I’m lying here completely lost… I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. This year my house was not decorated for Christmas and it was actually just another day. The holidays are not the same for me anymore because I can no longer get up and get my home decorated and make it feel Christmasy.  I’m telling you the Christmas times when I was better my house was decked the fuck out and looked awesome!  Oh how I miss that!

I’m just void of emotion right now.  Like everyone on the planet none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Although I do know… It’s just going to bring more of the same of me lying in my bed looking around at my four walls wondering why I’m even here anymore. What is my purpose?  What is the point of life when you can’t live it. I know I’m blessed that I get to wake up every morning… But that’s about it. I wake up and I have a couple choices; watch TV, play on the computer, watch TV, play on the computer…  you get the idea. 😉

I’m not trying to be a Debbie downer I am a realist and quite honestly I hate being a realist. I never was until this piece of shit disease put me in this bed for the past five years. And before that put me in a wheelchair. I’m angry, just like I mentioned in a blog a couple of days ago. I don’t know how to get rid of that anger. I look around and I see a lot. I watch people complain about every day issues like not having enough time in the day to get their kids wherever they need to be or to grocery shop or clean their house. What I wouldn’t give to have those issues. My wish for people is too slow the fuck down and see the beauty around you because quite honestly it could be taken away from you at any moment. A dirty house is a beautiful thing because it means it’s been lived in. And having to run around and take your kids everywhere isn’t a chore it’s a blessing that you are able to do it. I know that I took so many things for granted and I wish I could go back and spend time on certain memories and open my eyes more and be more present. But you cannot go back so please I implore you, be present and if there’s something you want to do do it now. Because one day you may not be able to and I guarantee you will  have so much regret. And trust me, regret is paralyzing!

I’m not sure how much more of a fight I have left in me considering there’s nothing for me to fight with. There are no medications I can take so I just have to pray that my MS will be kind to me and not keep progressing. OK I’m kind of laughing at that last sentence because I am primary progressive so I know that it will keep progressing… I’m just asking it to slow down a little bit. LMAO  I really wish that MS were a person because I would beat the living hell out of it.

I think the worst part about being trapped in a bed is the loneliness. Nobody really wants to sit in your room with you whole are you lying in your bed, even though I’m funny as hell and quite enjoyable to be around. 😂 I really am!  If it weren’t for my beautiful doggies I honestly don’t know if I would still be here. I can’t expect my family  to constantly hang out with mom. They have their own lives. And my husband cannot spend every waking minute in here with me either. Everyone complains that my room is so cluttered and I really should throw things away. I don’t think they understand that this room is my whole life. What they see has junk and clutter are things that make me smile. Stupid things like my living dead dolls or my Lucy collection, my lava lamp, etc. Things that to someone else wouldn’t mean anything but to me they mean everything because they are all that I have! 🖤

So please, for me, do me a favor and instead of making resolutions just make a promise to yourself to be present for every moment that comes your way. It could quite possibly change your life.

Have courage and be kind…

Christmas · Fear · FUCK · Holiday · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm · Silly

All I hear is blah blah blah… I’m a dirty tramp

I can’t help it, I love that movie and that part of the movie. One of my favorite movie lines! #MrDeeds

My blog title has nothing to do with how I’m feeling though. Living with so much uncertainty in life sucks!  I’m always waiting for that other proverbial  shoe to drop.  I ask myself every day why do I even bother getting up in the morning err waking up because I don’t really get up at all. 🤔

Most people have something to look forward to they can make future plans. I don’t have that option. I have no way to a slow or stop my progression of my MS so I really do wonder why I bother.  But, I will wake up every morning and lie this bed and figure out a way to get through each day lying in this bed. I think I need to invest in a good mattress LMAO but that won’t happen until pigs fly out of my ass. 😂🤣 Good mattresses are too fucking expensive. What a rip off.

That is all for now… I know you’re happy about that. Remember, have courage and be kind!

Circa: a long time ago in a far off land…
Craziness · Happiness · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm · Strength · Stupid Stuff

Just be you!!

Lately I’ve been realizing that I was always one of those people that worried about what other people thought. I know most of you probably don’t think that, but that’s exactly how I was. I hid it very well  with my “tough“ persona,  but I always wanted to please people. My time in physical therapy rehab changed me completely. I’m now the person that I always wanted to be and if people can’t handle me, then I don’t need them in my life. I’m going to be that tough girl who fights and doesn’t let people walk over her anymore! I used to go out of my way to do things for people that never really cared. And I don’t expect a pat on the back of or even a thank you. But you know those people I’m talking about. The ones who we just have to be friends with when in reality they are no better than us. But for some reason we always thought they were, so we would go out of our way to get them to be friends with us.

I just never thought I was good enough. I thought to make friends I had to buy things, always be the ride, always be the brunt of jokes. I allowed it so it’s my problem and not theirs, but I will NOT allow it anymore. To be friends with me you have to take the good with the bad, and all of the crazy. I’m not going to change anymore for anyone! It’s nuts how it took me nearly 54 years to figure all of this out. Better late than never comes to mind. ☺️

I lie here at night, and when I can’t sleep I just have so many thoughts that go through my head. I just don’t know how to put it down on paper. So I talk text and say what I feel. Half the time I can’t remember my thoughts from the night before. I’ll just blame MS cog fog. LOL I mean if you have to have a disease then by all rights use it as a great blame tool.  It’s those voices in my head that don’t let me quit. It’s those voices in my head that make me strong. It’s that little inner child that comes up to the surface when I need her.

Self discovery that’s really a great thing!

Have courage and be kind…