Angels-Among-Us · boredom · dreams · FUNNY · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · sleep · strength

You are getting sleepy… sleepy

Sleep in one of the many wonders of the universe. Something that is not always easy for me. I think because my body is always at rest my brain is not sure when it should sleep or not sleep. 😴There have been times where I am up for 3 to 4 days without any sleep until I finally pass out from exhaustion. 😳 Thankfully that hasn’t happened in quite some time because I found a few things that really help me. I thought I would share and maybe it might help someone else.

For a while I would watch Dr. PimplePopper videos because they would knock me out. I don’t know why but her videos can be mesmerizing. LOL I know gross! But, If you know me you know I like gross. 😂

Then I started using an app called ‘Insight Timer’, which I recommend highly. I like to listen to one of the recordings that is called, Floating. It’s very calming. I found one last night that is called ‘Sacral Chakra Tibetan Singing Bowl. It was quite beautiful and I love the sound of the singing bowls. I have tried guided meditation, but like with books on tape, the voices to me were not soothing or calming. The only time I have ever been able to do guided meditation was when I was able to do yoga for MS many years ago. The yoga instructor, Colleen, had the most beautiful accent and when we would finish with yoga she would do a guided meditation with us. I always fell asleep instantly. Her voice is like an angel’s. 😇

Then a friend of mine, Victoria, sent me a link to some really cool videos called ASMR on YouTube. Autonomous sensory Meridian response (ASMR) – a feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

I was honestly very skeptical about this. When I first started watching I have to admit I was kind of giggling a lot. What are these people doing? 😜They were clicking their tongues, tapping on various items, whispering, and doing off-the-wall role-play. But, lo and behold, the next thing I knew I was fast asleep. ‘Whispers Red’ and ‘Sophie Michelle’ are my favorites. I tried listening and watching a couple of the male ASMR videos, but their voices were not very calming to me. Sorry, not sorry! LOL

Do a search in YouTube for ASMR videos for sleep. You will find a lot.

You do have to look around because some people don’t realize we just want to have a calming video.  There is one person that does it and she’s constantly talking about how people are stealing her ideas. Seriously! Everyone pretty much does the same thing. I tried to watch hers, but it was a no go. LOL I honestly don’t want to hear about someone else’s troubles 😮 so not one of my favorites. 😊

Another thing I have tried was books on tape. The only problem with that is you can’t choose the voice. LOL I just did not like the voice of the ones I heard. I have to have a soothing voice whether it be male or female and I have yet to find one. Although, if Morgan Freeman would do every book on tape that I want, I’d be OK with it. 🖤

I hope that something I have a mentioned in this post can help someone else, because then my sleepless nights and finding things that work… are worth it. 🖤

Have courage and be kind!

 

anger · boredom · Christmas · Craziness · Darkness · Depression · Fear · Happiness · health · hope · lonliness · multiple sclerosis · new year · nightmares · Pain · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · sarcasm · strength

As the year ends…

Most people at this time of year are thinking about their New Year’s resolutions getting ready for all the new things to come. I’m lying here completely lost… I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. This year my house was not decorated for Christmas and it was actually just another day. The holidays are not the same for me anymore because I can no longer get up and get my home decorated and make it feel Christmasy.  I’m telling you the Christmas times when I was better my house was decked the fuck out and looked awesome!  Oh how I miss that!

I’m just void of emotion right now.  Like everyone on the planet none of us knows what tomorrow will bring. Although I do know… It’s just going to bring more of the same of me lying in my bed looking around at my four walls wondering why I’m even here anymore. What is my purpose?  What is the point of life when you can’t live it. I know I’m blessed that I get to wake up every morning… But that’s about it. I wake up and I have a couple choices; watch TV, play on the computer, watch TV, play on the computer…  you get the idea. 😉

I’m not trying to be a Debbie downer I am a realist and quite honestly I hate being a realist. I never was until this piece of shit disease put me in this bed for the past five years. And before that put me in a wheelchair. I’m angry, just like I mentioned in a blog a couple of days ago. I don’t know how to get rid of that anger. I look around and I see a lot. I watch people complain about every day issues like not having enough time in the day to get their kids wherever they need to be or to grocery shop or clean their house. What I wouldn’t give to have those issues. My wish for people is too slow the fuck down and see the beauty around you because quite honestly it could be taken away from you at any moment. A dirty house is a beautiful thing because it means it’s been lived in. And having to run around and take your kids everywhere isn’t a chore it’s a blessing that you are able to do it. I know that I took so many things for granted and I wish I could go back and spend time on certain memories and open my eyes more and be more present. But you cannot go back so please I implore you, be present and if there’s something you want to do do it now. Because one day you may not be able to and I guarantee you will  have so much regret. And trust me, regret is paralyzing!

I’m not sure how much more of a fight I have left in me considering there’s nothing for me to fight with. There are no medications I can take so I just have to pray that my MS will be kind to me and not keep progressing. OK I’m kind of laughing at that last sentence because I am primary progressive so I know that it will keep progressing… I’m just asking it to slow down a little bit. LMAO  I really wish that MS were a person because I would beat the living hell out of it.

I think the worst part about being trapped in a bed is the loneliness. Nobody really wants to sit in your room with you whole are you lying in your bed, even though I’m funny as hell and quite enjoyable to be around. 😂 I really am!  If it weren’t for my beautiful doggies I honestly don’t know if I would still be here. I can’t expect my family  to constantly hang out with mom. They have their own lives. And my husband cannot spend every waking minute in here with me either. Everyone complains that my room is so cluttered and I really should throw things away. I don’t think they understand that this room is my whole life. What they see has junk and clutter are things that make me smile. Stupid things like my living dead dolls or my Lucy collection, my lava lamp, etc. Things that to someone else wouldn’t mean anything but to me they mean everything because they are all that I have! 🖤

So please, for me, do me a favor and instead of making resolutions just make a promise to yourself to be present for every moment that comes your way. It could quite possibly change your life.

Have courage and be kind…

Celebration · Christmas · family · fun · FUNNY · Happiness · joy · love · multiple sclerosis · music · primary progressive MS · strength · stupid_stuff · Wheelchair

Holy Christmas balls Batman!

I had a great weekend! My step mom, who is more like a mother to me, and her husband came down on Saturday for our family Christmas. It was wonderful! I spent the first part of Saturday in my bed so we all camped out in my room and then when we were ready to eat, Roger got me up in my wheelchair and we actually ate our Christmas dinner at the table! You have no idea but that is a big deal. LOL The only issue was the fact that my Wheel-Chariot, even at its lowest position is still a bit high for the table. But thankfully I had my little tray so I got as close as I could to the table and used my tray for my food. She makes thee best mac & cheese ever and the best salad dressing. I was in heaven!  It felt very nice to feel normal, whatever that is, for that day. 🖤 Last year my daughter hung a string of lights around the walls of my bedroom and they brought me a beautiful lighted Christmas wreath. My room looks so pretty at night now! Festive and fun.

I also got an amazing “train case“ for my make up. I subscribe to Boxy Charm, so I get a surprise box every month of make up  and other fun things. It may seem frivolous or even stupid for me to do this because of the fact that I’m stuck in my bed, but for me it’s just fun and gives me something to do other than watching television. Although, the television is still on in the background. LOL Basically, it keeps me off the streets! 😂🤣

I hope this Monday finds everyone well. ♥️

Have courage and be kind!

Darkness · Depression · falling · Fear · FUCK · FUNNY · health · HELL · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · strength

It’s not just MS!!

If anyone ever tells you, be glad it’s just MS!!  Punch them square in the jaw, to hopefully have the end result be that teeth fall out. Then they will remember never to say that to anyone ever again.

I’m really trying to stay positive, but when every day is the same with change nowhere in sight, it can be hard.

I’ll get over this feeling in a little while and I will get back to my positive outlook. But today I’m allowed to  feel this way and be angry.

And no, I’m not glad it was just multiple sclerosis. So next time think before you fucking speak. This is not going out to any one person in general, it’s just something I see all over the Internet when people are ignorant. So now I am going to watch Fast Times at Ridgemont high, laugh at how stupid it is and funny, and find my positive place again.

Have courage and be kind!

 

boredom · confession · Craziness · friendship · Happiness · hope · lonliness · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · sarcasm · strength · stupid_stuff

Just be you!!

Lately I’ve been realizing that I was always one of those people that worried about what other people thought. I know most of you probably don’t think that, but that’s exactly how I was. I hid it very well  with my “tough“ persona,  but I always wanted to please people. My time in physical therapy rehab changed me completely. I’m now the person that I always wanted to be and if people can’t handle me, then I don’t need them in my life. I’m going to be that tough girl who fights and doesn’t let people walk over her anymore! I used to go out of my way to do things for people that never really cared. And I don’t expect a pat on the back of or even a thank you. But you know those people I’m talking about. The ones who we just have to be friends with when in reality they are no better than us. But for some reason we always thought they were, so we would go out of our way to get them to be friends with us.

I just never thought I was good enough. I thought to make friends I had to buy things, always be the ride, always be the brunt of jokes. I allowed it so it’s my problem and not theirs, but I will NOT allow it anymore. To be friends with me you have to take the good with the bad, and all of the crazy. I’m not going to change anymore for anyone! It’s nuts how it took me nearly 54 years to figure all of this out. Better late than never comes to mind. ☺️

I lie here at night, and when I can’t sleep I just have so many thoughts that go through my head. I just don’t know how to put it down on paper. So I talk text and say what I feel. Half the time I can’t remember my thoughts from the night before. I’ll just blame MS cog fog. LOL I mean if you have to have a disease then by all rights use it as a great blame tool.  It’s those voices in my head that don’t let me quit. It’s those voices in my head that make me strong. It’s that little inner child that comes up to the surface when I need her.

Self discovery that’s really a great thing!

Have courage and be kind…

Angels-Among-Us · Animal Adocates · Animal Rescue · Animals · family · hope · joy · love · multiple sclerosis · Pit Bull · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · Shelter Dogs · strength

Furbaby Love

I just thought I would share a little bit of what makes me smile every day. My children with paws 🐾

Clockwise from top left: Soloh, Charlie (girl), Gatsby, Zoe (kitty),  and Dexter Morgan.

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐱

Soloh. She never leaves my side. She actually saved my life. 🧡Pittie-mix the best dog you could ever love.

All rescues, as in my mind, rescue IS the only breed!

This handsome bearded dragon was Stewie.  He is and will always be the only bearded dragon I will ever love. 😉 He was awesome!

Animals are forever! They love you unconditionally and they should always be treated like family. I am against breeding as I believe until they all have a home it should be stopped. There really is no need for designer dogs. So please, adopt, Don’t shop! I know breeding will never stop completely but until we can clear out the shelters and stop the murder of so many healthy beautiful animals we need to rethink breeding for the time being.  And, FYI, you can find many purebreds in the shelters and breed-specific rescue’s. So there really is no reason to go to a breeder.  I will now step down off my soapbox. 😂🤣

Mwahahaha

As always, have courage and be kind!