Angels-Among-Us · boredom · dreams · FUNNY · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · sleep · strength

You are getting sleepy… sleepy

Sleep in one of the many wonders of the universe. Something that is not always easy for me. I think because my body is always at rest my brain is not sure when it should sleep or not sleep. 😴There have been times where I am up for 3 to 4 days without any sleep until I finally pass out from exhaustion. 😳 Thankfully that hasn’t happened in quite some time because I found a few things that really help me. I thought I would share and maybe it might help someone else.

For a while I would watch Dr. PimplePopper videos because they would knock me out. I don’t know why but her videos can be mesmerizing. LOL I know gross! But, If you know me you know I like gross. 😂

Then I started using an app called ‘Insight Timer’, which I recommend highly. I like to listen to one of the recordings that is called, Floating. It’s very calming. I found one last night that is called ‘Sacral Chakra Tibetan Singing Bowl. It was quite beautiful and I love the sound of the singing bowls. I have tried guided meditation, but like with books on tape, the voices to me were not soothing or calming. The only time I have ever been able to do guided meditation was when I was able to do yoga for MS many years ago. The yoga instructor, Colleen, had the most beautiful accent and when we would finish with yoga she would do a guided meditation with us. I always fell asleep instantly. Her voice is like an angel’s. 😇

Then a friend of mine, Victoria, sent me a link to some really cool videos called ASMR on YouTube. Autonomous sensory Meridian response (ASMR) – a feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

I was honestly very skeptical about this. When I first started watching I have to admit I was kind of giggling a lot. What are these people doing? 😜They were clicking their tongues, tapping on various items, whispering, and doing off-the-wall role-play. But, lo and behold, the next thing I knew I was fast asleep. ‘Whispers Red’ and ‘Sophie Michelle’ are my favorites. I tried listening and watching a couple of the male ASMR videos, but their voices were not very calming to me. Sorry, not sorry! LOL

Do a search in YouTube for ASMR videos for sleep. You will find a lot.

You do have to look around because some people don’t realize we just want to have a calming video.  There is one person that does it and she’s constantly talking about how people are stealing her ideas. Seriously! Everyone pretty much does the same thing. I tried to watch hers, but it was a no go. LOL I honestly don’t want to hear about someone else’s troubles 😮 so not one of my favorites. 😊

Another thing I have tried was books on tape. The only problem with that is you can’t choose the voice. LOL I just did not like the voice of the ones I heard. I have to have a soothing voice whether it be male or female and I have yet to find one. Although, if Morgan Freeman would do every book on tape that I want, I’d be OK with it. 🖤

I hope that something I have a mentioned in this post can help someone else, because then my sleepless nights and finding things that work… are worth it. 🖤

Have courage and be kind!

 

boredom · Craziness · Darkness · Depression

What a feeling!

 That feeling of comfort… That feeling of no pain…

It’s been so long. But I found a spot, even if only for a moment, there was no pain.  It could be the adjustable bed, it could be the medicinal meds. ✌️  Whatever it is, it is AH-mazing!!!  I can’t lay on my side or move that much, so for the last four years I’ve literally been on my back. (minds out of the gutter) and now as I am  talking this blog in to my phone, I’m starting to feel a little bit of pain. It’s mainly the butt bone!! 🤪 If my butt had a voice it would probably tell me to get the fuck off of it!

 So I’m watching ‘Grace and Frankie’, season four. It’s freaking funny as shit!  And yes that is how my mind works, it flies from one thing to another. I can’t keep up with it most days. That’s probably why I do not sleep easily. My mind goes from 0 to 60 in about a fraction of a second.

 So, hey, I just adjusted my bed and now the pain is gone again… Hooray!  And now I have one dog sleeping between my legs under the covers and my adorable little pit mix, who is as sweet as the day is long, lying next to me.

^^^ And this is what happens when I am bored, unsupervised, and highly medicated.  Snapchat pictures with filters. Does it get more boring than that??!! You have to admit they are fun and they make you look adorable. So why the fuck not.

Peace ✌️

 

 

 

 

Craziness · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · music · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · sarcasm · silly · sleep

Games people play whilst painting

I know, two blogs – one day.

Just a mellow check in. lol Mellow, as in me… mellow. Listening to an amazing mix my daughter Ashley made for me. Playing games on FB. I found some I forgot I had. Bubble Witch Saga for one. It’s fun. I’ve been playing it for over and hour. It has me mesmerized.

It’s 1:30 am and, as usual, no sleep in sight. To medicate, or not to medicate? That is the question. At this point, I’m not even sure of the question. Are you? Doubt it.

I really need my room painted something other than white. Some fun colors to match my personality. And no, not black. lmao Although…

paint

My daughter Shelby is itching to paint the interior. I explained the concept of money to her, and explained that we have none. 😛 Yet, it would be a nice change for me. Believe me, I need some change. Feel free to donate to, the help me paint house fund. [donate button on the left] 😉 I actually want my room in pale grays/blue colors. Muted and simple. The rest of the house in light mochas. The girls painted their own rooms in the colors they wanted. Turned out wonderfully. The boy hasn’t painted his room yet. I’m thinking black. Just kidding… or am I.

I’m kinda thinking being up most of the night is okay for me. Not sleeping may be the way my mind is protecting me. Let me explain; during the day people are bustling. I hear cars going by and read about fun things people do. I feel I’m missing out on life. At night, my house is quiet, the road is quiet. Most are in bed, like me. So, by sleeping in the afternoon, I sleep through the sadness of dreaming of lives I will not lead. Being awake at night, the house is quiet, the road is still. I can take it all in and not feel broken. I know, it sounds quite mad. It’s just hard to put to words. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. go.figure.

Do you ever hear a song that takes you back to a time and place forever in your heart? Does your heart ache? I literally either cry for a loss, laugh at fun time, or get ‘oh Hell no’ angry. lol Listening to music is one of the things that keep me sane.

2:15 am and all is Unwell. Love that song.

Back to my games! Peace!

boredom · Craziness · Darkness · Fear

Losing my mind

Since my last surgery in May this year, Im actually becoming “Tracy” again. I’m gaining back some strength and actually getting out of my ‘prison’ occasionally. I know I’ll never walk again, but if I can transfer on my own I’ll be happy.

this makes me happy!
this makes me happy!

Now here’s the kicker…when I start feeling even a tad bit good, I tend to over-do-it. Badly… I want so bad to be ‘me’ again I push it too far.

Some say the face of MS is invisible. For the majority of people with MS it is considered the invisible disease. But, for 5-7% of MS’ers I’m also the face of MS. The face no one wants to see or think about. Bedridden, wheel-chariot user, pain most can’t comprehend, and my MS list goes on. I’m the dreaded [badly] progressive form. So when I feel ‘good’ I want to do all the things that get put off. Then I crash and burn. And alas, I’m crashing.

I will get the rest that I need for a few days. I pray it’s only a few days. My last crash landed me in Hospital and then a 3 month depression. People, even some MS’ers, can’t comprehend the terrible pain and loss I have had. I hope with all my might they never have to.

Today I knew a ‘crash’ was coming, but I will no let it kill my spirit as I have in the past. Shit, my friend Stephanie won’t let me. Right this minute though I feel like I’m losing my mind. And, yes it’s spelled losing, NOT loosing! A huge pet peeve of mine. Sorry, I went off track a smidgen. 😉 My sleep is back to noooo sleep tonight. Muscles spasms and shakes are taking over my being. I think Aliens are coming for me to do some probing. Although, that may be fun…hey, it could happen. Now I really am losing it. Lack of sleep will make you insane. Trust me I’m there.

hope-hands1
it’s all I have…

Now I will sit here in the dark with the light of my MAC illuminating my room. Will I ever find my peace, my center? I do not know. But, I will always be searching for it.

Peace!

Lupus · multiple sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM

Blah…

That’s how I feel. Not so much in a bad way, just in a blah way! 😛 All kinds of things I wan to get done, now really energy or oomph to do them. Little baby steps I guess. I’m up early with the kids while they get ready for school. Once they leave I get the dishes done, then tidy up a bit. Trying to get a little routine going again. Once I get that done, boredom sets in. Not feeling the internet much as of late and have seen all the movies on demand and all my DVD’s. Then the tireds set in and it’s off to sleep I go.

I read on a friends FB status how she was off to lie down and have a DVD day. This friend has Lupus. Someone wrote how it must be nice to be able to just lie around and do that all day. I kept out of it as my first instinct was to tell this person to STFU!!!! What we would give to not have to sleep our days away. To be able to get the fuck out of our house, have a job, do chores, etc.. I knew to move on as I did not want to rip this idiot a new asshole. Ya, we loooove not being able to do things. To sleep all day. What a fucking quality of life!!

OK! Done bitching and I feel better….

xx, Tracy...
Craziness · HELL · hope · Hospital · mindless-thoughts · Nurses · Ramblings · Voices

The Voices in My Head

My PR buddy, Ruby, was saying how she wants the voices in her head to quiet down. So, I replied to have her voices tell my voices to shut the Hell up!!

blah blah blah
hmmmm

My insomnia is bad enough, and then add the voices and sleep is so hard to come by. I think about what to blog, my website over haul, my Hell hospital visit, and the list goes on. Not even my good meds can shut them up. What good are they then. 😛

Today is overcast and a tad dreary…just how I like it. lol Hoping for some rain. It’s a tad cold, but my comfy bed is warm so that is where I am.

———————–

On a good note:

Since I got home from Hell hospital I have had to use my wheel-chariot 100% of the time. Usually I can get to my bathroom using my walker. [18.2 feet] Well the other day I made it one way, but needed my chair to get back. Last night I realized my chariot was almost out of juice, so I had to try to use my walker again. Woot Woot, I made it back and forth from my tinkletorium!! Go me, go me!! So, now I will be trying to use my walker for the short walk again. Hopefully my legs will keep working for a while longer to be able to do this. It may not be a far walk, but it’s still a walk!! 🙂

As for Hell hospital, no one has returned my calls since last week. Guess they figure I’ll let it go…rofl!! Me, let something go!! OMG, they do not know who they are dealing with!! lol Bastards! So, now I will call them back again and again until they take care of the issue at hand. If ‘S’ told them she did not treat me that way, I will go to that hell hole and face her. I so do not ever want to go back there, but I will for this.

Now I am going to try to get caught up on a few things, and then rest for a bit.

Join me at 10am PST today here, for a gr8 show!!

Blessings and Hope!!

family · friendship · Hospital · Ramblings

Taking a break…

Feeling a bit overwhelemed, so going to take a break for today away from the ‘hospital’ blogs. I need to sort my thoughts for the blogs to come, so today I will be resting. Sleeping and watching movies are what is needed for me right now. The hospital conclusion[s] will be done within in the next week, so stay tuned if interested. These blogs are to help me face it, deal with it, and find my way back to me.

Thanks for all of the support thus far. I am blessed with amazing friends and family!!! xoxo

Blessings and Hope!