Animals · Health · Hope · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength · Stupid Stuff

Some days…

Seriously, some days I wonder why the hell I even bother waking up. No, I don’t mean the alternative. It just gets harder and harder it seems, to be trapped in this bed. Three months ago I was at the point where I didn’t care anymore. I kept my self medicated so I didn’t have to think about being in this prison. But then, I got help. My mind set changed and I saw that there was some hope left.  In a perfect world I would’ve been able to remain there until I could actually get up on my own. And no, I don’t mean up being a dancing fool, just able to transfer myself from my bed to my wheelchair.  In this world, insurance would have none of that. 😳

So I’ve been lying here for the last two days, angry and a little bit lost. It seems that since I had a glimpse of what might happen, I am not handling being trapped very well anymore. Hell, without the help I need, nothing is going to change. I feel like I’m fooling myself in a sense when I say that I can do this on my own. I want to keep that positive facade going so everyone thinks everything’s great… but it’s not. And no, I’m not giving up, but I am looking for alternatives. 🤔

I’ve been mindlessly watching movies for the last two days. Anything to keep my mind off of everything that I cannot do anymore. As I’m watching I constantly wiggle my butt 😏 move my arms 💪🏻 and try and strengthen myself. But in all honesty, that’s not going to change very much for me.  Right now while I’m talk typing, I’m wiggling my hips back-and-forth. Just keep moving is my new motto, and moving is what I will keep doing as much as I can. If only my dogs 🐶 had opposable thumbs and could understand me and be able to talk  and be strong enough to lift me up, everything would be aces. 😂  It could happen.

Okay, back to the real world. I think the worst part for me is that in my mind I can see myself moving my legs enough to be able to get transferred to my wheelchair. I can’t explain it properly. Sometimes as I’m lying here I can almost feel my body move on its own. I know that sounds like some crazy  psychotic shit. LOL  I wish I had the proper words for it. But I am literally drawing a blank. It’s like I can see myself outside of myself. Okay, now I’m  really going in to the realms of crazy psycho woman. 🤣  And I think I just said back to the real world. Welcome to my mind. 😳

I am now going to bid you farewell for the night.  You can thank me later. 💋

Have courage and be kind 🖤

 

Ramblings

May I ‘borrow’ your knee?

Finally after getting my mri on my knee and lower back [after being denied] I need knee surgery [again] and injections in my lower back. My left knee has a torn meniscus on the side and my back has had another disc which has degenerated further.

Here’s the kicker, my knee issue WILL happen again. I already had surgery on this knee once before for a torn front meniscus.  My left knee hyperextends back 20 degrees which makes it snap back and cause damage to my knee. So, why not just fix the problem causing this issue? Because I spend the majority of my time in a wheelchair and why does it really matter about my knee. Well, it matters to me! I use a walker in my home for as long as I can. I usually end up back in the chair due to knee pain from pushing myself. So, for me, it is a huge deal!!

I have chronic progressive Multiple Sclerosis. SO WHAT? Miracles DO happen and maybe one day the cure will be found and I will walk again. So just fix my friggen knee!! The bad ligaments have nothing to do with my MS. It is from skating [roller and board] as a kid, working on concrete floors, and plain ole use before I got ill!

As far as the insurance company is concerned it is a ‘wasted’ surgery for me. As if they are saying, “Who cares, it’s not like she will walk right again anyways!” I can almost hear them laughing.

Well, I am not going to sit by and listen to them laugh, I will have the last laugh. If it means contacting my representatives, I will. If it means going public, I will. No one knows my future with my MS. So how the hell can they ASSume I will never walk again. I believe that one day the cure will come and it will still be able to help me. It is called HOPE!

Wait til they get a load of me…..

Blessings and Peace!