Craziness · FUCK · Health · HELL · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · Strength

It’s the boredom that kills you

As I am lying here trying to find something on TV, everything just hit me at once. My emotions went all over the place. Silently screaming and crying so no one in my house hears me. How long can one lie in the same spot every day? How many books can one person read? How much TV can one person watch? After a while each thing you do becomes boring. You lie the same way at all times as you can no longer roll your body to either side. I’ve actually had people tell me how lucky I am to be able to just lie around all day and have no big responsibilities. Really? 🤔 Maybe for one day or possibly even a week, but 6 years 3 months and counting… You must be fucking ridiculous! Mental torture is 100% accurate! When people tell me they can’t imagine, they have no idea what they would do, they could never cope, etc. They are 100% correct. They can’t imagine the darkness that goes through my mind every day. They have no idea how many nights I pray to whatever entity is out there to take me home. They couldn’t cope with realizing that death would be a beautiful freedom.

Sometimes I wonder which is more crazy, the thoughts that go through my mind or the fact that I stick around for them. My favorite ‘people’ are those that say, “No you’re not going crazy you’re just upset with your situation.” Oh how lovely that would be if it were that simple. I would love just to be ‘upset’ with my situation. That would be much easier to take. 

Have courage and be kind.

*** just a little FYI, I’m just venting and I hate having to add that but some people, the people that don’t know me, take some things I write in the wrong way. 🙄 If I didn’t get my feelings out, then I’d be worried. Thanks everyone… 



FUCK · HELL · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS

Broken

I am really in the thick of it right now. I have not heard back from Independence Blue Cross, so I’m in limbo. Most likely I’ll have to call Accolade who is the go-between. We pay so much money for health insurance every year, yet we are not ‘allowed’ to speak to the actual insurance company reps!! 🤔 It is absolutely ridiculous. Independence Blue Cross is 💯% withholding care from me. How can that be acceptable? Independence Blue Cross is really a joke. The incompetence over there is astounding.

I’m tired… But I’m not going to stop… I’m broken… But I’m not going to stop…

Have courage and be kind! < The people at Independence Blue Cross should really take heed of that simple sentence. I really do wonder how they sleep at night. 

Anger · FUCK · Health · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Strength

Manic Monday – Insurance Saga

My lastest dealings with Independence Blue Cross was all about getting phone numbers from the representative at IBX  for non-emergent transport, PT places etc. Today I made my appointment, far in advance, for my pain management doctor. I called the non-emergent transport companies that were given to me from Independence Blue Cross. I know, redundant, here’s why… The first company I called told me they no longer take Blue Cross insurance. The second company I called said they no longer take Blue Cross insurance because they never get paid from Independence Blue Cross insurance. 😳 The third company said, you have to call the week of your appointment and then there are no guarantees that there will be availability. OK well that’s just fucking fantastic! So let’s recap; the phone numbers that I received from the representative at Independence Blue Cross were ALL dead ends. Now I could pay cash for one of them which would be $283 upfront and then $75 an hour for however long it takes for your appointment. Alrighty then I guess I’ll just pull that cash out of my ass. So tell me what the fuck is the point of having health insurance if it doesn’t help you. We pay thousands of dollars for this insurance and at this point they basically have told me to fuck off and die in my bed. I’m not even going to get into calling the physical therapy places, because talking to those people dropped my IQ many points. I just needed to know if they’ve dealt with people that have contractures things like that. Not one of them could answer the question. It was as if they were reading off a script, “All of our physical therapists are very good. They do their jobs well.” OK good for them, that’s not what I fucking asked you. 🤦🏻‍♀️

My first reaction to all of this this morning was to completely snap. But I held it together. I took deep breath’s and started uncontrollably laughing. I am so angry right now there is no way to even measure the anger that is boiling up inside of me. I know more than anyone, that it’s not good for me blah blah blah. But come the fuck on… Cut me a fucking break… Why can’t one thing work out for me like it’s supposed to. Why??!! I’ll tell you why, INCOMPETENCE!! I’m dealing with people that are reading out of a notebook that the insurance company gets them. I’m dealing with people that have no humanity. I’m dealing with people that would be happy if I just took it and died. Well I have news for you Independence Blue Cross, I’m not going anywhere in fact I’m going to be your worst fucking nightmare! This right here is the end of my rope. Please believe me when I tell you, you really have no idea what you’ve done! 

And as always, have courage and be kind! 

Anger · FUCK · Health · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Strength

Manic Monday – Insurance Saga

My lastest dealings with Independence Blue Cross was all about getting phone numbers from the representative at IBX  for non-emergent transport, PT places etc. Today I made my appointment, far in advance, for my pain management doctor. I called the non-emergent transport companies that were given to me from Independence Blue Cross. I know, redundant, here’s why… The first company I called told me they no longer take Blue Cross insurance. The second company I called said they no longer take Blue Cross insurance because they never get paid from Independence Blue Cross insurance. 😳 The third company said, you have to call the week of your appointment and then there are no guarantees that there will be availability. OK well that’s just fucking fantastic! So let’s recap; the phone numbers that I received from the representative at Independence Blue Cross were ALL dead ends. Now I could pay cash for one of them which would be $283 upfront and then $75 an hour for however long it takes for your appointment. Alrighty then I guess I’ll just pull that cash out of my ass. So tell me what the fuck is the point of having health insurance if it doesn’t help you. We pay thousands of dollars for this insurance and at this point they basically have told me to fuck off and die in my bed. I’m not even going to get into calling the physical therapy places, because talking to those people dropped my IQ many points. I just needed to know if they’ve dealt with people that have contractures things like that. Not one of them could answer the question. It was as if they were reading off a script, “All of our physical therapists are very good. They do their jobs well.” OK good for them, that’s not what I fucking asked you. 🤦🏻‍♀️

My first reaction to all of this this morning was to completely snap. But I held it together. I took deep breath’s and started uncontrollably laughing. I am so angry right now there is no way to even measure the anger that is boiling up inside of me. I know more than anyone, that it’s not good for me blah blah blah. But come the fuck on… Cut me a fucking break… Why can’t one thing work out for me like it’s supposed to. Why??!! I’ll tell you why, INCOMPETENCE!! I’m dealing with people that are reading out of a notebook that the insurance company gets them. I’m dealing with people that have no humanity. I’m dealing with people that would be happy if I just took it and died. Well I have news for you Independence Blue Cross, I’m not going anywhere in fact I’m going to be your worst fucking nightmare! This right here is the end of my rope. Please believe me when I tell you, you really have no idea what you’ve done! 

And as always, have courage and be kind! 

Anger · FUCK · Health · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Strength

Manic Monday – Insurance Saga

My lastest dealings with Independence Blue Cross was all about getting phone numbers from the representative at IBX  for non-emergent transport, PT places etc. Today I made my appointment, far in advance, for my pain management doctor. I called the non-emergent transport companies that were given to me from Independence Blue Cross. I know, redundant, here’s why… The first company I called told me they no longer take Blue Cross insurance. The second company I called said they no longer take Blue Cross insurance because they never get paid from Independence Blue Cross insurance. 😳 The third company said, you have to call the week of your appointment and then there are no guarantees that there will be availability. OK well that’s just fucking fantastic! So let’s recap; the phone numbers that I received from the representative at Independence Blue Cross were ALL dead ends. Now I could pay cash for one of them which would be $283 upfront and then $75 an hour for however long it takes for your appointment. Alrighty then I guess I’ll just pull that cash out of my ass. So tell me what the fuck is the point of having health insurance if it doesn’t help you. We pay thousands of dollars for this insurance and at this point they basically have told me to fuck off and die in my bed. I’m not even going to get into calling the physical therapy places, because talking to those people dropped my IQ many points. I just needed to know if they’ve dealt with people that have contractures things like that. Not one of them could answer the question. It was as if they were reading off a script, “All of our physical therapists are very good. They do their jobs well.” OK good for them, that’s not what I fucking asked you. 🤦🏻‍♀️

My first reaction to all of this this morning was to completely snap. But I held it together. I took deep breath’s and started uncontrollably laughing. I am so angry right now there is no way to even measure the anger that is boiling up inside of me. I know more than anyone, that it’s not good for me blah blah blah. But come the fuck on… Cut me a fucking break… Why can’t one thing work out for me like it’s supposed to. Why??!! I’ll tell you why, INCOMPETENCE!! I’m dealing with people that are reading out of a notebook that the insurance company gets them. I’m dealing with people that have no humanity. I’m dealing with people that would be happy if I just took it and died. Well I have news for you Independence Blue Cross, I’m not going anywhere in fact I’m going to be your worst fucking nightmare! This right here is the end of my rope. Please believe me when I tell you, you really have no idea what you’ve done! 

And as always, have courage and be kind! 

Anger · FUCK · Health · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · Sadness

Weird Wednesday

I was cruising the Internet and this picture popped up. It’s not meant to be sad it’s not meant to scare anyone. But I’m not going to spend another six years and three months in my bed. Without help, proper help, I’m never going to get out of this prison have a bed. My ankles suffer from dropfoot and contractures. My knees haven’t been able to straighten in about three years. And my hips I can’t even get in my Hoyer lift because of the pain. This has been going on for a very long time now and nothing has changed. I really thought my time in rehab in 2018 was going to save me. I fought so hard I did so well, then nothing. How do people that are bedridden see their doctors? I know they can call non-emergent transport, then try to coordinate that with their doctors appointments but first they have to make the calls to make sure it will be approved. Really? Making something hard even harder.

I wish I could be the shiny happy person that people want me to be. But that’s not gonna happen. I’m angry. I’m pissed off. I get it life‘s not fair blah blah blah. You know the people that say that to me… People with no chronic illness. I guarantee they wouldn’t last one day trapped in their bed not able to even get up to go to the bathroom, be able to roll over in their bed, or sit up without help. They would break the first 20 minutes.

Tears! 😂😂😂 No, if you could read my mind you would be screaming at the top of your lungs for help. I am so angry and I know that anger doesn’t help. But when every year it just gets worse, sorry I can’t put on that smile every fucking day for you. I’m angry about people who I see complaining all the time about the tiniest little things. Yes I’m an asshole. I can’t sugarcoat shit every fucking day. I really just want it all to end. I really really want freedom. I’m so tired of being in prison for a crime I never committed.

Have courage and be kind

Craziness · FUCK · Health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Stupid Stuff

The word FuCk…

I made this last night and posted on Facebook because that was the type of day/night I was having. Sometimes I will literally put my pillow over my face and scream at the top of my lungs. It really does help. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The word fuck has so many different meanings. It can be used for pleasure, anger, sarcasm, jokes. I will admit, it’s my favorite word. I’ve heard that people who are sarcastic and/or use profanity are more intelligent than those that don’t. I mean hey, I fully believe that. 😜 No, I really do believe it.

I’m pretty sure I did a blog about this sometime ago, but I’m too damn lazy to check. And I don’t care. LOL I feel if I wanna do the same blog post every fucking day, I can. 😂

I’ve been told to act my age, grow up, etc.… Fuck that. I’m 55, soon to be 56 in March, I can do what I fucking want. I tell people that I’m level 55 or 30 with 25 years experience. I mean, I’ve never been this age before, so I’m not really sure who I need to look to for age experience. My body feels like it’s 1 million years old, my mind is that of a teenager. I never want to lose that part of me. That’s the part of me that gets me through the nights that I don’t want to get through. 

I’m learning that I can no longer care what people think of me. I’ve done that my whole life and I haven’t been happy. I’ve been judged by so many people and when I look at the people who are doing it, glass houses… I’m done conforming to what people want me to be. Like I’ve said, I’m going to be unapologetically me. Those that do not like the new me, can fuck off. My real family my real friends will embrace this me. The other people don’t matter. I am still a work in progress regarding this. But I’ll get there.To anyone reading this, be unapologetically you as well. You’re the only one that lives your life! ♥️

Have courage and be kind!