I’m telling you today is already on my nerves. I got my bladder surgery scheduled and the pre-surgery doctors appointment. I did what I was told and called to get the pre-certification for the non-emergent transport, ￼￼and was told my doctor needs to call. Now a week and a half ago the Young lady at Accolade called with me on the phone and took care of this for me. ￼I think something must have happened because today no one will help me do it. Then, this weekend I received a new bill from my August 2019 stay and while getting my papers all together I found one I’d forgotten about￼. Previously I￼ was told that my responsibility would be $50.90, but￼ these bills together are￼ $3000 and some change.￼￼￼ I think someone’s messing with me. Am I on candid camera? Or maybe the TV show Punked came back. I know the wizard is behind the curtain. 😂
Trust me this morning I haven’t been strong. I’ve been crying a lot because it’s so overwhelming right now. This company (Independence Blue Cross) and their people are keeping proper care from me and making everything I need that much harder.￼￼ it’s been a big eye-opening experience for me. I used to think people were exaggerating when they said their health insurance wasn’t helping them etc. I mean how can your health insurance not help you when you pay for that service?! Right? It has been boldly thrown into my face that it’s all about the money and the greed of these corporations. They have the money to put me in a top-of-the-line acute neurological rehab, but they’re not going to do it because that would take away from their paychecks. I am tired, I am discouraged, I am broken, but I will not be defeated! If they’re doing this to me how many other people have they done this to? And how many of those people did not have the strength or even know what to do to get help. This is what these companies do. They prey on people like me and their rent-a-docs run our healthcare without even seeing us or meeting us.￼￼￼￼￼ ￼
So, while I have had a mental breakdown this morning and am feeling myself falling into the depths of healthcare insurance hell,￼ ￼I will not stop!￼￼ this is my life! And I really hate when my mind goes to that dark place and I pray for karma to hit each and every one of the people that are denying me the life-saving care. I don’t like being that person. I don’t want anyone to feel the depths of despair that I feel every morning I wake up and realize it’s another day trapped in this hell. I wish these people would come to my fucking home. All they would ￼have to do is take one look at my legs and they would see how much I need their help.￼￼ Oh shit, wait a minute… They DON’T FUCKING CARE!￼ Phew… that was a close one, I almost gave them credit for being human.
I’m trying, every single day I’m trying. I have my courage I just don’t see anything changing. But I will keep trying.￼
Stephanie was here today and she got me in my wheelchair for an hour or so. It’s going to have to go very slow right now since I haven’t really been out of my bed since August 18, 2019 thanks to Independence Blue Cross. Since being denied rehab my legs my back everything has gotten worse. So now I see it taking even longer because basic rehab in my own house isn’t gonna work. But obviously they don’t care because they’re not the ones that have to live it. Just a short period of time sitting in my wheelchair the edema was so bad in my feet I was mortified￼.￼￼￼ So, thank you Independence Blue Cross for denying me rehab you’re making it so easy on me. And please insert sarcasm wherever you’d like.￼￼
I know it got a little dark in here last night. Sometimes when I’m sitting by myself thoughts pop into my head. I decided I’m just going to put them here when that happens. Blogging to me is an outlet. It’s a way to purge myself so I don’t lose it in my real life. Does that make sense? Does it matter if it makes sense to you? I guess as long as it makes sense to me it’s a good thing.￼This is my love. She stays by my side and makes sure that I’m OK.￼ ￼She is the reason that two years ago, almost to the date, I did not leave this earth. She did have some help from my beautiful friend Carolyn.￼￼ That story is here and one that has no end yet. At least not the end that I was hoping for. Still a work in progress.
Today is a better day. Starbucks and blueberry muffins are the perfect thing to put you right. ￼I tell people all the time, that it’s just a bad day not a bad life. I sometimes need to take my own advice. Today, I will!￼￼Have courage and be kind.￼
Sadly people with chronic illness do this all the time. We do it because we know others don’t REALLY want to know how we REALLY feel. We know when you ask us, “How are you?“ That you don’t want us to get down to the nitty-gritty. The answer you want is the one we give, “I’m fine.”
Let’s face it that’s the easiest answer to give. I’ve literally watched peoples eyes glaze over when I do tell them how I REALLY feel. When that happens I usually just stop talking and ask them how they are. Trust me, they love to talk about how they are. And that’s OK. It’s human nature.
This seems like an easy concept but in reality it can be very hard. I was 53 years old when the positivity 💡turned on￼. I’m still a work in progress as negativity still pops up daily. I’m really trying to turn it around and find that positive. I’ll get there eventually. Things like this happen when we’re ready. I will be 56 in March, so better late than never. #MotivationApp