Posts Tagged ‘life’

Already dead

Because I’m already dead
You can see it in my eyes
I’m already dead
I can tell no more lies

My body is broken
my pain is so real
I can’t hold on anymore
My body won’t heal

Because i’m already dead
Can’t you see it in my eyes
I’m already dead
there are no more lies

The truth has come out
Please take me home
There’s no more to be done
My soul it is gone

Because I’m already dead
I will never be free
I’m already dead
Someone please help me

Song/Lyrics @ Tracy Radford


So perfect, so me!!


Peace out! ❤

Living and existing are two very different issues. I believe most people just exist. I find this quite sad. In my situation I am only able to ‘exist’. How I wish I could truly ‘live’.

My life, ninety-five percent of it, is spent in a bed. I’m a prisoner in my own home/body and I didn’t even commit a crime. Constant back pain and edema make it hard to ‘tool’ around in my wheelchair. We can no longer afford a caregiver, so most days I’m on my own. Thank the Universe for my rescue pups.

If I sound miserable… it’s probably because I am! lol I know, not funny. The old adage, you don’t get it until you get it, is so true. I’m a realist…I have to be. I’m not going to get better or go in to remission. If I am unable to try the new medication, Ocrevus, I’m fucked. I talked to a department of my Blue Cross ins. regarding the medication and if they will cover it. I was told no at my neurons office, but figured i’d go straight to the proverbial horse. It may not even work, but I have to try. But, like my one blog says, I may not even qualify for the medication. That’s on the maker of the medication.

It is all bout the numbers, not our well-being. It’s more important to keep the percentage up then to get the medication to those of us who have severely progressed. The GREED that is America!!

For those of you [healthy peeps] reading this, just existing, get the fuck up and LIVE!!! Go on that trip you keep putting off. Wear that ‘dressy’ outfit to the grocery store. Play hooky with your kids and get to the beach or hit the park. Get out of your ‘safe’ zone and go skydiving… you know what I’m saying. LIVE PEOPLE!!! You do not know what tomorrow may bring. I NEVER thought I would get ill. I wasted so much time. Please, I beg of you, don’t make the same mistakes I did. If you can do it, do it now…

Peace out!


On March 7, 2017, while holding his hand, my daddy took his last breath. I can’t express what the loss of my dad has done to me. Even though we lived a few hours away from each other and I didn’t get to see him as much as I would’ve liked, thanks to my illness, I always knew he was there.  And somehow that gave me strength. I knew he was just a phone call away… unfortunately they don’t have cell phone service in heaven.

Right now it’s very hard with all that is going on in my life. The Home Depot fiasco as well as all of my medical issues and all the bills that  are taking over our lives. And I can’t seem to find my strength to deal with it and take care of it and not let these people walk over me.  My dad always taught me to be strong and always fight for what you believe in and what is right. And I know I have it in me, but I just can’t seem to find it right now. I can’t just pick up the phone and hear his voice.  I just want him to come back. He would give me the strength and the peptalk I need to not let these despicable people hurt us.

My daddy was the best person that I’ve ever known. I’m not sure, I’m just not sure of anything. I miss him so much. And while it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I got to be there  holding his hand when he finally found peace. ❤️

I miss you and I love you dad. We all do!




Posted: December 26, 2014 in Death, Depression, health, multiple sclerosis
Tags: , ,


A quick quip:

 Never mistake my tears for weakness!



Blessings and Hope!

PISCES Your mood just doesn’t seem to want to lift itself up very high today — there may be something down deep that’s troubling you. If so, you need to address it, no matter how uncomfortable it may make you feel.

Wow, spot on today! The problem is figuring out what is troubling me. I have an almost empty feeling and cannot figure out what it could be.  Now do not get me wrong, most days I really am feeling pretty good even with my own personal issues. You have to learn to change and adapt. It is very hard to ‘re-write’ the story you thought you were going to live, but sometimes that is the hand one is dealt in life. But, even when I do my best to be positive, find the good, look for the light, make the lemonade, and all the other cliches we are told, it can still become overwhelming.

I really wish I could ‘lift’ up my mood daily, in a perfect world!  My friend had someone tell them to think positively instead of negatively. Um DUH!!! Really, does this person think she prefers to be negative! Shit happens and sometimes it is bad shit!! I bet the person that told her that has no real ‘chronic’ issues in life. Honestly, I feel those with ‘chronic’ illness try to be more positive than those without so they can find that light at the end of the tunnel. Sorry that sometimes we may sound or feel negative to you. Deal with it or do not ask us what’s up. When you are in a wheelchair and are told to ‘keep it inside’ because medicare and/or private insurance will not warranty it for you, that is BS and yup we may feel negative. I guess it is ok for these assholes to think more about the money than the independence they arre taking from another human being. The next time they go outside and get fresh air and walk to their destination, I hope they remember what a fucking luxury it is. At least that is what my private insurance told me one when i needed a specific wheelchair. The wheelchair I needed was a luxury not a real medical need!! Hopefully no one in their family ever needs this ‘luxury’. What an incompetent asshole! And now medicare is taking from my friends independence. NICE!!

Hmmmm, i guess I know what is troubling me…life!

Blessings and hope!