Have courage and be kind!
The Chronic Illness Battle
Tag: Fear
March is MS Awareness Month
For those of us with MS, it’s all year long…
Have courage and be kind. 🖤
Happy Freaking Holidays!
Independence Blue Cross has decided that it wasn’t an emergency when I needed the ambulance for my attempt on my life as well as the ambulance ride from the hospital after my surgeries to the nursing home. I guess I should’ve hooked up my bed to my husbands car and he could’ve rolled me over. Then I got an explanation of benefits saying they’re not paying for anything from my two surgeries and my hospital stay. I may be billed for $168,000 +. It gets better, I got my first bill for my hip surgery. But wait… there’s more, the ambulance company is sending me to collections because I haven’t paid for those two ambulance rides. 😳 I know that all of these issues are because of pre-authorizations and pre-certifications that were not done properly. I’m trying not to stress over this too much as I know it will all be taken care of at some point. Thankfully my deductible’s have all been met so I have no worries there. It’s just not right that we have to jump through these hoops to get the care we need. As we know sometimes jumping through the hoops doesn’t work.  I mean, I jumped through 1 million hoops and they still denied me the life-saving care of acute rehab. That type of facility is the only way I will ever be able to get out of this bed. I am not giving up. In fact, I’m just getting started.
I’m sorry I have been absent for a bit. It’s just become so overwhelming dealing with Independence Blue Cross. 
I’m a little late, but… I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and I pray that 2021 is kinder to us all.🖤

And here we go again… Part 2
You’re gonna love this one… I just received an explanation of benefits from Independence Blue Cross stating that they are not fully covering the ambulance ride from the hospital to the rehab center after my hip surgery. I guess I should’ve just hooked my bed up to a car and rolled over that way. Ummmm idiots, I have no choice as to who the case manager at the hospital decides to use for transport.
The best part, my husband told the caseworker not to use American medical response, and she did anyways. 😳
I also received a second explanation of benefits in regards to my hip surgery. Again, I should’ve pre-certified breaking my hip first before I got the surgery. Logically, I understand the concept of precertification, but not in this case. So, we should’ve waited a couple of days before doing the surgery as I was lying there with a broken hip? What exactly am I supposed to do about this? They need to take it up with the fucking hospital and not me.
Thank you to those sending me your horror stories dealing with Independence Blue Cross/Anthem Blue Cross, etc. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this as well. Trust me, we will be heard!
And here we go again…
Oh Independence Blue Cross… You’re just disgusting! Seriously how do the people that work there sleep at night knowing what they’re doing to people on the other end. They are now telling me that I may be billed $5670.09 for my hip surgery because it was not pre-certified. So I guess I should’ve called them a couple days before my hip was broken to let them know that my hip was going to break. 😳 I know it’s not as simple as that, but come the fuck on! I seriously feel like they have my name on a list and it says, fuck with her so she goes crazy and dies. 😈
And contrary to what HR at my husbands work said, they only offer Independence Blue Cross and Kaiser, NOT United healthcare. And Kaiser doesn’t have an MS specialist so I am stuck with Independence Blue Cross. I will be looking into Medicare part B. We can’t really afford it, but I’ve got to do some thing.
I’m still trying to figure out why Comcast benefits called me directly. I think I’m going to call them back again and find out why. 🤔
I also had to send in an appeal for the ambulance ride in May after my suicide attempt. 😪 It’s really disgusting all the hoops you have to jump through when you have a chronic illness. Money is more important than human life. It doesn’t pay to be sick.
It’s not your fault…
It’s not… It’s not… It’s NOT your fault! 🖤
Have courage and be kind.

I’m sorry it’s not all sunshine and rainbows
 and it never will be…
This is my truth, what’s yours?
Have courage and be kind…

You have multiple sclerosis…
Twenty-three years ago today, I was told, you have multiple sclerosis. I’d been searching since 1986 because I knew something was wrong. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and EPV. I was also diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. Go me! Back in 1986 MRIs were not a test doctors really ever did unless there was an accident of some sort. And no one would’ve thought multiple sclerosis when they looked at me. 👀
What my doctor saw was a healthy young woman who was working full-time and going to college at night. Chronic fatigue and the Epstein-Barr virus were easy to diagnose. Even getting these diagnoses I kept searching for answers because I knew something else was wrong.
Then, in 1997, a PA asked me to walk about 10 feet for him. I did and he immediately ordered an MRI. A physicians assistant diagnosed me. He said all he had to do was see how I walked and he thought it was either lupus or MS. The drunk walk. LOL my MRI showed many lesions of MS. My lumbar puncture was clear so I figured someone was wrong. I went on to get two second opinions and was informed that yes I have MS and I am primary progressive. I was so hoping they were wrong. They could’ve diagnosed me with the MRI and saved me from that awful lumbar puncture. 😂
I wish I could say I’ve come to terms with The MonSter that is MS, but I haven’t. Life as I know it was taken away from me and my family. MS is a wicked beast and there is no cure at this time! When people say, it’s just MS, I want to junk punch them. 😜
It’s not, just MS! It’s a debilitating, paralyzing, awful disease. We need more awareness and we need a cure… hopefully in my lifetime. 🖤
#MSWarrior #NeverGiveUp #KeepFighting #WeNeedACure
Round and round and round we go…
I am in a mood and somehow I can’t find my way out of said mood. Still awaiting Physical Therapy to be covered by my insurance company. Is it any wonder that I’ve heard nothing from Independence Blue Cross? I barely reimbursed half of the money back from the transport company they told me to use. At this point they are denying me the ambulance trips with AMR and the hospital visit. I’m getting bills from that amazing time that I’m going to collections for it. 😳 Sorry but you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip… or some shit like that. I guess they don’t feel suicide is an emergency. I’m sorry, attempted suicide.
Months would’ve been easy, my waiting is moving on into my seventh year. That light at the end of the tunnel that was starting to come into view, is now flickering. I truly believe I have to keep fighting but I also understand that things may never change. I have to learn to be able to wrap my head around how my life may have to be. I’m not giving in, but I do have to be a little more realistic. I’m tired. My mind is tired. My body is tired. My soul is tired. 
Fuuuuuuuuck
Have courage and be kind.
I have got to get my head right!
Like I said in my previous post, I’m numb. I was just watching a movie, and could not stop crying. Not so much because of the movie, but because of the characters. You know, being able to walk and all. I know, petty right? I just want to be able to get up and do my make up and go to a restaurant and sit in a booth. (OK I wouldn’t do it right now, you know corona and all) I just want to feel my feet on the ground again. For 2,461 days (give or take doctors appointments etc.) I have been in this bed. I know I should accept it and like a couple people have said, get over it, but that’s not an easy thing to do. I just feel like everything is crashing down on me. I don’t feel strong. I feel like I just want to fall in a hole and hide away.  I seriously cannot stop crying. And it’s not just a couple little tears, it’s ugly crying.
I know, I know that I will survive this. But seriously, sometimes I wonder what’s to survive?! I know logically that it’s taken me 2,461 days to get here, so good things won’t happen overnight. All I need to do is to be able to get into my wheelchair. You would think that would be easy right? It’s not. The pain in my hips I believe is getting better with each PT appointment, but the range of things I need to do I can’t do at my house. So then my mind goes back to Independence Blue Cross denying me rehab in the facility. I know I should let it go and get over that, but I’m fucking angry. I am so fucking angry. I’m never comfortable anymore. I can never find any relief. Before anyone asks, I am not suicidal. I’m angry! I’m angry at my doctors who dropped the ball 2,461 days ago! I’m angry at an insurance company who values money over human life! I’m fucking angry at rich people who have the money to afford the kind of help I need! I know it’s not their fault they’re rich. 😜 I don’t even know where I’m going with this blog but I just knew that I needed to get it out. 
Then I read all of these wonderful motivating quotes people do, so, when does it get better? I am moving forward. I am doing all the things I’ve been told I should do. I am trying to learn patience. I am trying to hold it all together. I am just really tired of only existing and not living. I miss being able to wear regular shoes. I miss being able to wear jeans. Oh you have no idea just how badly I miss being able to wear jeans! And oh my God, boots! I miss boots! I miss taking two stairs at a time. I miss being able to see over everyone in the crowd. (6′ tall here) I miss being able to just put on a bathing suit and get into a pool. I really miss going to the beach.  The one thing I miss more than anything, is to be able to go places with my kids, my family! I miss me.

I can’t take off my warrior mask. I cannot fall apart. I would love to be able to let go of the weight that I’m carrying. You have no idea. As I’m reading what I have written, WOW, do I sound like a little crybaby bitch. I am one of those people that hate people that cry and complain all the time over trivial shit, ie. the common cold and such. I really hope they never get something substantial because they won’t be able to handle it. But alas, then I feel bad for feeling that way because it truly is all relative to the person going through it. So then I feel like a real bitch. Then I get angry at myself for being a bitch, and the self deprecation cycle goes round and round. I just want to know why it has to be so hard.
If you’ve made it through my crybaby blog, thank you. I am trying to hold it together. I am just glad that it’s almost time for bed because I’m truly done with this day.
Have courage and be kind…
Making it Through the Rain 