anger · boredom · Craziness · Darkness · Death · Depression · Fear · FUCK · health · HELL · medical · medications · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · sarcasm · strength

Too much of nothing

I started this blog with the hopes of chronicling my MS and my thoughts, etc.. Im realizing that with Primary Progressive MS, there is not much to chronicle. There are no more medications for me to try; hell there are no medications for PPMS. Wait, I’m lying. There is ONE possibly coming to a drug store near you, winter of 2017. But, not for me. Yes, it will be the first medication for PPMS, but I don’t qualify. My EDSS score is too high. I’m between 8 and 8.5. In other words, I’m too far gone! Well okay then.

I sit/lie here 90% of the time. I’m not even sure where I’m going with this entry. I’m not even sure why I’m even blogging it. Maybe out of boredom. I guess this is my personal diary that I just happen to share. A place for me to come back to and ‘remember’, the good and the bad. A place for me to vent. A place where I can say whatever the fuck I want.

I just wish I knew how to get my thoughts out of my head and onto here. A jumbled crazy ass rollercoaster is the only way to explain my thoughts.

“Outlook is grim”, has been the description of two doctors regarding my life now. Well no shit… But, did you have to say it out loud!! RUDE much. 😛 And, I know I know, anyone can die at anytime. They could walk out of their house and get hit by car. I get that. That would be easy. We start dying the minute we’re born if you want to get technical. Picture yourself  lying in bed 24/7 while your body slowly but surely dies daily from illness. It’s not for the weak. With PPMS, there is NO cure, NO remission, NO parole. So, the next time you want to use the ole. “well anyone can die just from blah blah blah”…don’t!! Above all… DO NOT compare one illness to another, especially if you, yourself, do not have said disease. You will never ‘get it’ unless you ‘get it’!

Scary part is that sometimes I really believe I’m going a bit mad. Seems par for the course…


anger · Craziness · Darkness · Death · dehumanization · Depression · FUCK · health · HELL · humiliation · lonliness · medical · medications · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · sarcasm · SoapBox · strength · stupid_stuff

Unleash the flying monkeys…

Just when things seem to be getting better, BAM, it hits the fan. This why I can not ever be the shiny happy positive person others want me to be. And I try, but fuck a lot of that!

Unleash the flying monkeys!!

I’ve left 2 messages for my primary care doctors office manager. My doctor turned a specific issue I’m having over to her. We spoke when I was at my doctor a few weeks ago and she was supposed to get back to me. Nothing, nada, nil. I’ve called twice and left detailed messages for her to please call me back. And, I used my nice phone voice. Nothing, nada, nil. The issue is quite a big deal for me. What has happened in the last 30 years when it comes to doing what you say in the workplace. FUCK!!

Unleash the flying monkeys!!

Now, to get my pain meds, you always need a scrip every month, no refills… all thanks to the wonderful druggies out there that abused the medication, and the doctors dumb enough to believe them. Normally I go pick up the scrip at the office with a quick check in every month. So, I called yesterday to see when I can pick it up, and they said they’d talk to my doc and call me back. Bahahaha, you guessed it, no call back. I’ve been going to my neuro for 19 years. WTF. So I called back and they said my doc will be calling me back. I have a real illness that causes real pain. To bad I can’t fake it, maybe then I’d get the medication I need. FUCK!!

Unleash the flying monkeys!!

Why, just why… Come on Universe, cut me a fucking break. I have an aggressive form of primary progressive MS. NO treatments available to me. I’m bedridden with double stomas, degenerative disc, muscle spasms, tremors, constant numbness,  and unable to do basic things like roll over in my bed or even sit up. I deal with severe anxiety and depression, complete and utter loneliness. What fucking more do you want from me? Sometimes death sounds very inviting.

Unleash the flying monkeys!!

But, fuck you, I’m not a quitter. And now I’m just pissed off. Do not mistake my disability for weakness. My mind still works and is smarter than you. Look out, here I come!!

Too late!! mwahahaha
Too late!! mwahahaha
anger · Darkness · Depression · FUCK · HELL · hope · HORROR · sadness · Tyranny

The Fight to Save Lennox

UPDATE: RIP sweet Lennox!!! Boycott Belfast!! A disgusting mis-carriage of justice that we will not stop fighting. It’s not over BCC, now it’s ON bitches!!!!



This is not only about saving Lennox’s life, it is about a law [BSL] that should not exist!!

For this poor babies full story please click the link below, read his story, and sign the petition. Time is of the essence!

The Lennox Campaign

Lennox in happier times
Beautiful boy!
Lennox in custody…

The bottom line is that Lennox has been falsely imprisoned due to BSL laws. The irony is that he has NO pit in him! [not that it should matter]

The family did all the right things, he was chipped, licensed, and had dna blood work done showing he is ‘pit’ free. So, why was this family pet and service dog to the daughter with sever asthma taken? IMHO, to make a mistake by animal control not look so bad. They went to the wrong address, saw Lennox and had to make up for their error. All the while Lennox was kissing on and rubbing up to the officer as she measured him with a seamstress tape measure. Little did the family know lies about this meeting were about to surface from the officers mouth to cover up her ‘fuck-up’!!

This has gone on for two long years. The family is not allowed to even visit him. I’m sure pedophiles, murderers, and other real criminals are allowed visitation in Belfast! How is this right??!!

Now with all legal avenues exhausted, the High Court in Belfast says he need to die. Even with pictures showing him loving on the officer!! WTF!!!!!

Yes, they could try another appeal to the High Court in England. Another two or more years for him to be abused.

Hair loss, weight loss in custody

Would you put your baby through this? Would he survive more years?

The family is now fighting to have him re-homed. They of course want him with them, but they are willing to do anything that will save his life. They love him!!

He has a home all ready for him in the USA! All expenses paid!! Belfast has had this offer for months and has not yet replied. But, maybe you can help!

I beg of you to go here and send an email to Belfast. Follow the directions in the note and please be cordial and respectful if you add anything in your email. His life depends on it.

click me!

Please help, we cannot let this boy die!!!

Blessings and Hope for Lennox

anger · HELL · Pain · sadness · SoapBox

Wanting me to be real…

WARNING!!!! “F” bomb alert!!

So for many years I hid my pain in jokes, sarcasm and laughter. It was easier for me and less upsetting for those around me. So many people told me, “Be Real” “Tell the truth about your pain” “Ask for help”…

So, in the past year or so I tried this route only to have it thrown back in my face. Now, when I show my pain, being real, I’m told it’s for sympathy, poor me shit. REALLY! Fuck off please. I have never asked for anyone’s pity, sympathy or the poor me pour me a drink bullshit! Yet for years I listened to others pain and tried to help in any way I could. Now I’m the bad person. Again I say Fuck off please.

Then I got the, I’ll show people the real you, I’ll copy and paste emails. Really, go ahead doctor up your emails. you are the only one that will look like a childish buffoon. As for the ‘people’ who talk the shit and tell the lies…come forward, say it to me. But no, you just block me as you know damn well I will say it to your face, no need to lie or go behind any ones back. That’s all of your jobs. And for those who talked all the shit to this person, de-friend me, block, stay the fuck away from me. You are liars and pathetic. So, you all deserve one another. And if it’s who I think it all is, stop emailing me as well with your BS about this said person. Just leave me the fuck alone. Get rid of my email, my phone numbers etc., oh and grow the FUCK up! You all know who you are and you all know the ‘real’ truth.

I truly hate being this person, this angry person. And after this, hopefully these 2 faced ignorant assholes will back the fuck off and move on. I have not changed and am the same person I have always been. Love me or leave me. Ask me a question and I will tell you the truth.

I am sorry for those reading this and seeing me being this angry person, but I am so tired of being certain people’s punching bag. I have enough of my own problems, health and otherwise, so it is time this was said. I will not allow any of you to hurt me and cause me to become ill due to all the stress. And if you feel the need to comment here again, it won’t come through. If any of ya feel the need to email me, it won’t be read. So don’t waste your time or energy. Just FUCK off please.

I know the person I am and the friend I am, maybe you should look in the mirror and figure out who you are. Remember each time you point your little finger at me there are 3 pointing back at you.

I pray for you and hope that one day you will find the happiness and peace you need. I have my peace and my happiness in my family and my real friends. So really there is no need for you or room for you anymore.

When it all falls apart…I won’t be here next time. Once bitten, twice shy!!

And now I am done and will be back to my REAL self free from the toxic people that have no place in my world!


Blessings and Hope!!

Damn it feels good to purge!!!