anger · boredom · Darkness · Death · Depression · health · HORROR · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · sadness


 Primary progressive multiple sclerosis, end stage. There is no medication for it, there is no remission, there is no cure. So when do you say enough?

 I lie in my bed 24 hours a day seven days a week. When I do get into my wheelchair the pain is so bad I can’t sit for more than 30 minutes to an hour. So I don’t get it my wheelchair. Even lying in my bed I have pain constantly.

 I no longer have the caregiver as I cannot afford one. Hospice won’t even take me. They don’t consider what I have terminal. I guess it’s OK that I live another 20 years lying in a bed in constant pain. If that’s not terminal  I don’t know what is.  Fuck you hospice!

 Dr. Kevorkian  knew what my type of illness did to a person. He helped them die with dignity before they became so bad that they could do nothing for themselves.  I’m already there I can literally do nothing for myself. Except talk text and look at my phone and use a remote control to watch endless hours of television until my brain goes numb.

 I have a hard time holding utensils now. But I guess it’s OK if I just become a head in a bed that is in constant pain. People say tomorrow’s another day.  Not for me, tomorrow is the same thing, every day for the rest of my life.

 The new so-called medication for progressive MS is a big farce. Maybe it will help secondary progressive but that’s not even in the same league as primary progressive. Ocrevus, The manufacturer, when I called them basically told me I’m too far gone. On the disability scale I’m an 8.2. So I can’t take the medication. But they don’t really give you a reason why.

 I’m not looking for pity I’m not looking for any ones I’m sorry’s, I’m bringing about awareness to a disease that is looked at as a basic, oh well you have MS, disease.  It’s not basic it’s like living in hell.

I’m off, as I can barely talk without crying anymore. I just want to  have some control over my own life and not die a rotting shell of the person I once was.

anger · confession · Darkness · Depression · FUCK · lonliness · multiple sclerosis · Pain · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · Wheelchair

Where is the rock for me to crawl under?

I’ve been trying so hard to get out out of  the ‘whatever’ mood I’m in. I’ve been blogging [duh], updating my jewelry shop[s], tweeting and pinning like a mad woman… but I just can’t seem to shake the blahs. I just wanna crawl under a rock!


Tomorrow is the MSWalk2012 and I’m so not feeling it. My legs have not been cooperating. Even being in a wheel-chariot all the time the legs have issues. I’ve been getting the shakes, and from sitting all the time, serious ankle swelling. Not liking ‘kankles’!! 😛 Kind of sucks when you have to sit and then you get issues from it. **SMH** It hurts when the legs swell and embarrassing when they just start shaking all over the place. Hubby calls it ‘the rhythm’ and always asks if I wanna dance! Dork! lol I’m fighting between dealing with pain and embarrassment, to the guilt feeling of not going. My team, Tracy’sMSkateers are the best. They had a big ole bake sale at NBC/Universal yesterday to raise money for our team. Think they raised over 1000.00!! Woot Woot! I feel like if I don’t go I’m letting them down. I really want to go, but really not a fan of pain. I even bought a cute orange shirt for the walk…

I’m going to confess something I have not really touched on in the past. I hate me! I really do not like going out in to public due to the all the weight I have gained since being in my wheel-chariot. I was once tall [6′] and skinny. Now I’m short [4’4″ in my wheel-chariot] and huge. I have gained almost 60 pounds and I hate the way I look. I try to keep away from mirrors as I get depressed. I will take responsibility that I sometimes eat what I shouldn’t, but most days I eat right. It’s so hard to lose weight when you are immobile. I’m embarrassed by my weight, and prefer hiding out at home. I know the extra weight is not helping my MS either. It truly has nothing to do with what others think… it’s all about what I think. So in a nutshell… I hate what I have become.

xx, Tracy...
Ramblings · RANDOM

Etsy Blog comments

My comments to the Etsy Blog

First comment:

I, for one, am very glad Etsy finally took a stand. For me however, the stand came much too late. That terrible site was left up for much too long. Myself and many friends are already leaving the Etsy site.
For those ‘wondering’ about other unsure items, you must have been out of the loop regarding the site in question. The site clearly harassed certain groups of people, which was already in the terms. Still wondering why it took so long to remove.
My only regret is no longer selling or shopping here. Funny thing is one of the Etsy designers purchased from the shop and thought the demeaning and harassing cards were funny. Go figure!
Good luck to all…

Second Comment after seeing not much had changed:

ROFL!!! The site, with the offensive name, is still there as are a couple of the cards in question. One just had a word added to make it seem ok.
I’m all for freedom of speech, but this was/is straight out cruelty towards a group of people.

Guess it is ok to show a man hanging on a cross and call him ‘some dead guy’. Because that card is still up. And the other cards in questions are still showing in his sold items!

Nothing would have been done if we had not gotten together and received almost 25,000 signatures and Jane Velez Mitchell involved. All the cards would still be there. Etsy is a joke!


Everything I wrote was true and completely in tune with the blog. Seems they deleted this comment as the truth hurts and sent me a pm:

Hi there,

I recognize that you are upset over a specific shop, and I encourage you to send your concerns to The blog comments, however, are not an appropriate forum to talk about this, particularly when they do not relate to the post. I’ve thus deleted your comments and ask that you refrain from continuing to post about the issue. I hope you understand.


My comment back:

My comment had everything to do with the post seeing as you removed some but not others of the cards in question. Etsy did not do as they said.

My comments were in truth and in no way slander. This proves Etsy takes what they like and leave the rest!

I sent my concerns to your support with no replies. If a comment is true in nature, you have no right to delete said comment. That is in breech of the first amendment.


As stated above, Etsy is a joke!

Shop and sell with ArtFire, the only way to go!

anger · Depression · Fear · Ramblings · sadness · sarcasm


She can hear the laughter and can imagine the smiles on all the faces. It’s a party, a birthday party for her neighbor. She was invited, but she knew she would not go. Not because she did not want to, but because of the chair she could not rise from.

She cried in the shower so no one could see. She is mad, mad at the world. Her wonderful husband feels the brunt of her anger. The old saying, ‘You always hurt the ones you love’, seems to apply. She knows what she is doing, but she can not stop.

She is sad, she is angry. She hears the music next door. She longs to be there. She can’t. She knows they would move things around to allow her in, but she can’t. It is embarrassing, humiliating, to her. She knows no one would care, but she cares. So, she will not go, will never go.

She hides her pain behind her smile, behind her sarcasm. It is not pride as she has no more pride. It is her pain, her pain of remembering how it used to be. She will get through this, she always does. Or does she? She’s not sure.






She is filled with all of these. Want, the want to walk again. To be able to drive again without fear. To simply stand up without falling to the floor. To be able to hold her bladder. To not have migraines every week. To be able to sit up by herself without help or severe struggles. To not feel guilty for not being able to do things. To not feel pain all over her body. To be whole again. To not be angry. To not be sad. To want to live…

She is insane. Insane because she knows this is her life, but she thinks it will change. She asks over and over, WHY? Insane, because she expects an answer, an answer that will never come.

She…is me. And she wants to live again…

Blessings and Hope!