Where is the rock for me to crawl under?

Posted: April 14, 2012 in anger, confession, Darkness, Depression, FUCK, lonliness, multiple sclerosis, Pain, Ramblings, RANDOM, sadness, Wheelchair
Tags: , ,

I’ve been trying so hard to get out out of  the ‘whatever’ mood I’m in. I’ve been blogging [duh], updating my jewelry shop[s], tweeting and pinning like a mad woman… but I just can’t seem to shake the blahs. I just wanna crawl under a rock!

hiding...

Tomorrow is the MSWalk2012 and I’m so not feeling it. My legs have not been cooperating. Even being in a wheel-chariot all the time the legs have issues. I’ve been getting the shakes, and from sitting all the time, serious ankle swelling. Not liking ‘kankles’!! 😛 Kind of sucks when you have to sit and then you get issues from it. **SMH** It hurts when the legs swell and embarrassing when they just start shaking all over the place. Hubby calls it ‘the rhythm’ and always asks if I wanna dance! Dork! lol I’m fighting between dealing with pain and embarrassment, to the guilt feeling of not going. My team, Tracy’sMSkateers are the best. They had a big ole bake sale at NBC/Universal yesterday to raise money for our team. Think they raised over 1000.00!! Woot Woot! I feel like if I don’t go I’m letting them down. I really want to go, but really not a fan of pain. I even bought a cute orange shirt for the walk…

I’m going to confess something I have not really touched on in the past. I hate me! I really do not like going out in to public due to the all the weight I have gained since being in my wheel-chariot. I was once tall [6′] and skinny. Now I’m short [4’4″ in my wheel-chariot] and huge. I have gained almost 60 pounds and I hate the way I look. I try to keep away from mirrors as I get depressed. I will take responsibility that I sometimes eat what I shouldn’t, but most days I eat right. It’s so hard to lose weight when you are immobile. I’m embarrassed by my weight, and prefer hiding out at home. I know the extra weight is not helping my MS either. It truly has nothing to do with what others think… it’s all about what I think. So in a nutshell… I hate what I have become.

xx, Tracy...

Comments
  1. debjdarby says:

    Sweetie, besides the MS, have you been keeping up on your hormonal changes, anti-depressant (maybe need a change?), etc.? It sucks when we don’t like the way we look, but I’m tellin’ ya…the meno-age sucks for most of us. Just a thought. ❤

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  2. Frannie says:

    (((Hugz))) the blahs suck! Hope they go away soon. You need a really good, funny comedy movie to laugh your ass off. 😉 might not help but it might make you feel a little better.

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  3. I sooooo know how you feel. I have edema in both my legs and feet. Sitting more than moving around makes for calves the size of my hubby’s thighs. I hate being a spectacle. I imagine that everyone is looking at me, judging me, judging my husband or worse yet, feeling sorry for him.
    The really insane thing about fluid retention is, the worse it gets the more dry the skin gets, please keep an eye on that, use moisturizing lotion on your calves and ankles.
    I’ve been in a funk too, having trouble dealing with everything about life lately. I think it has to do with warmer weather coming. When it’s cold out, Winter, EVERYONE tends to stay inside more, I don’t feel so ‘different’ or ‘deprived’… but when everyone starts getting outside more and activity begins to increase, I feel more and more isolated.
    I hope you can start to shake the blahs soon 🙂 oxox

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  4. Jenny says:

    Darling Mz T, I know when these feelings invade your mind that the accalades of others are pretty much useless. Pain, embarrassment, and guilt are HUGE things to work through, and as you know, they will not all be overcome simultaneously. If I can do anything, I wish to remind you that you are LOVED…..by many, many people. No matter all those things that worry you today, we all are here for you,….. Why, you may ask??? Because we are selfish and we NEED YOU just SPECTACULAR way you are today and everyday. Shine On Tracy! Walk tomorrow, or don’t walk, its all OK with us 🙂

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  5. Mary says:

    ❤ ❤ ❤ I have some interesting info for you….my neighbor told me about something called the Gaps Diet…it is a combination of proteins and veggies and fruit…but apparently the way it is all prepared makes the difference. I am going to look it up on line and get more info as it could prove to be beneficial for all of us…will send you what I find.

    Hang in there my friend!!

    xoxo

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  6. truthslinger says:

    I know i am not you, and that i know nothing in my life like MS…
    though i do know about trails, and hardships…
    and all i can say is if you feel like you need a “rock” to hid in then the best rock out their is “Christ”, and when even that seems like not enough, guess what… He gave you that dork of a husband for a reason, let your husband hold you tight, and Heck yay Dance, no matter what it looks like, no matter what you feel like.
    being a husband myself i know what a world of good that would do me, and knowing my wife, that would make her spirits rise as well…
    anywho i talk to much… but i hope you are/have had fun participating in the MSwalk!

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