For a brief moment, I really believed today was starting out well. Then I receive a call from Independence Blue Cross. ￼I guess they feel trying to take your life is not considered an emergency and they are fighting me on paying for my trip to the hospital. I feel like they should just come to my house and shoot me, point blank, in my head. It would be so much quicker and so much less painful for me. Basically they will not allow me to go anywhere to get proper physical therapy and they won’t even give me real visits for my home for Physical Therapy. We can’t continue to pay for private visits, we live paycheck to paycheck and can’t expect help for the visits forever. ￼￼That speaks volumes to me about what is allowed in our country right now. Again, and I will scream it from the rooftops, I have never ever had this much trouble with my health care insurance until a certain orange idiot took over the White House. I think companies like Independence Blue Cross feel they can deny life-saving care for people because right now our government will allow it. Their internal doctors probably were not intelligent enough to get real jobs so they sit behind a computer to read papers regarding patients, without ever meeting the patient, and make life changing decisions.
At this time in my life I’m not too worried about karma since every day brings something more painful to my life. With that being said, I hope everyone of those people that is denying me the care I need has horrible and painful issues happen to them. I truly feel that’s the only way they will understand what it’s truly like to be ￼chronically ill. Better yet, I hope it happens to someone they love so that they can feel just as helpless and lost as my whole family feels.￼￼￼￼ Was that a bit harsh? Well you know what, it’s a fucking harsh world!
I don’t have over $5000 to be able to pay for that hospital visit. I shouldn’t have to pay for that hospital visit since we pay thousands of dollars a year to have Independence Blue Cross insurance. I don’t know how those people sleep at night. Well, I guess when you have no heart or soul it’s easy. Just remember that one day you disgusting people will have to answer for what you’ve done. While I don’t believe in the heaven and hell aspect of religion nor do I believe in the God that some believe in, if there were a hell… That’s where you people will end up! I’ll see you there, because you see I’m driving the bus… ￼￼￼
I will go on, and to those of you that are trying to blatantly and knowingly hurt￼ my life, be prepared because winter is coming!
Have courage and be kind.￼￼￼
I had my FaceTime neurologist appointment and PT yesterday. Both went well. But… I am paying for the PT today. 😳
I so hope this is true for me. We actually got my right leg into a 90° angle. That was crazy. My left side, not so much.￼ Today Roger (hubby) rolled blankets to keep my knees and legs a little more normal. It hurts quite a bit, but no pain no gain! ￼Thank the universe for cannabis. 😏
Stretching everything is going to be a painful process, but the outcome will be phenomenal! Now here is the shitty part… No more visits per Independence Blue Cross. 🙄 I have to call Monday and get the pain management doctor to call in more visits. WTF!!! My concern is all the work we have accomplished last week ￼will fade away waiting for Insurance to allow me more visits. I really don’t understand how they have the right to run my healthcare. It’s mind boggling.￼￼ The worst part is that it will start all over. What that means is, I will have to have an admission visit again, then an evaluation visit again, and then the PT visits start. What a fucking racket. All the while people like me are screwed. I just keep telling myself to keep breathing. This will work out, we will find a way.￼￼￼ Sadly this just proves to me why people do give up. We have to jump through so many hoops, it weakens our soul.
^^^ I say this, I just wish I could truly believe it.￼￼
Have courage and be kind. ￼
I had my first in-home physical therapy appointment today. I’m almost afraid to be as happy as I am about it. Muscles were moved today that haven’t been moved for 6+ years.￼ My right leg knee hip ankle, yeah the whole thing 😜 after a few minutes, didn’t hurt as badly.￼ The left leg, on the pain scale a 10. He was almost afraid that my hip was out of the socket. Thankfully it’s not. I realized how the body protects itself today when at a certain point my leg went tight. It basically said, no more! ￼￼Some of the problem is the knee. I have a frontal torn meniscus and wow! ￼￼ It’s something that was never￼ taken care of because it was the second time it happened. That’s a whole other story. A good thing is he is going to let them know what I need for my legs. Starting with a knee brace for my left knee. He was so helpful and even did the breathing with me. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but a couple times I thought my leg was going to snap.
He will be coming back Friday. The problem I may run into is, of course, Independence Blue Cross. At this point I have four visits. Technically the first nurse visit to fill out the paperwork, and the PT visit just to assess my situation, along with the last visit when they sign you out of rehab whatever, and the visit today, that’s already four visits. ￼￼￼😳 Now that he knows the range of motion and what it’s going to take to help me￼, I should get more visits. I think I’m going to have to send an email to Jason at Independence Blue Cross. * I know there are many run-on sentences. I’m a little medicated as the pain right now is pretty high. Kind of like me. 😏
After PT I actually felt positive. That is kind of a strange feeling for me. I am going to go with it and see where it takes me.￼￼￼ I just hope that Independence Blue Cross will allow me enough visits. I am definitely going to need a month or two since it’s only a couple times a week.￼ If we can get everything stretched out then I’ll be able to get back in my wheelchair￼. Right now, that’s really all I’m pushing for. Once that happens, I can possibly get Physical Therapy to help me be able to transfer on my own. ￼￼￼￼￼It could happen…
Have courage and be kind.￼￼￼￼
I have made it through a couple times where I didn’t think I was going to make it. I wish I could say that it’s going to be OK, but I don’t know. I’m trying really hard every day and hoping that something is going to give. I just can’t go another 6+ years in this bed. I’ve had to learn patience, which has never been one of my virtues. I really want to stay positive but I don’t see me getting the help that I need. I’ve been in this bed for over six years and my body has, well, died in a sense. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of hard work to make my legs go back to a normal position. Unfortunately, we don’t have the money or the good insurance to get the help I need. And in this moment in my life, unless you’re trapped the way I am trapped, I understand you’re not going to understand. I know, blah blah blah. I just needed to vent it out. I’m struggling, but I’ll get through this. I’ll get through this to wake up trapped again. But, I’ll do it because that’s what everyone wants. OK, that didn’t come out the way it was supposed to, but I think some of you understand.
My legs are jacked the fuck up. I can’t straighten my knees or bend my ankles properly. I’ve been stuck in this bed for so long as I sit up, in my adjustable bed, I get dizzy. My body has literally died being in this bed. Ten to twenty, and I’m being generous, physical therapy visits won’t do anything for me. I can’t sit up unless I have help or something is behind me. But like I’ve stated before, Independence Blue Cross took me out too soon from the rehab. I was sitting up on my own. But when you get kicked out of rehab and you get no good in-home physical therapy, it all goes away.
Yes I know it’s obvious I’m struggling. I just am not sure how to wrap my head around it all. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore and that’s what scares me. But I’ll keep fighting and hopefully one day it will take me to where I need to be.￼
I’m sorry if it’s all over the place right now. But I can’t get my thoughts in order so, there it is.￼
Have courage and be kind.￼￼
We must keep going… I know that know. Although, it can be so hard to do. The home health nurse came over last week and now I’m waiting for the physical therapist to call for an appointment. We are not sure how many appointments I’m allowed through Independence Blue Cross. Sadly, it probably won’t be enough. Again, I’ve been in this bed for over six years. The damage done is much more intense than a few at home PT appointments. All about the money and giving their higher-ups bonuses at the end of the year. Meanwhile, I’m trapped in my bed thanks to, in part, Independence Blue Cross.￼￼￼ they kicked me out of inpatient acute physical therapy in 2018 too soon, and now they won’t give me any proper care. According to Independence Blue Cross doctors, it’s not needed. My family does as much as they can, but without real help… I really feel like I’m going to be stuck in this bed for a long time. ￼￼Unfortunately in the world we live in today, insurance companies run our healthcare. Profits over people. I’m still waiting for them to give me my money back for the transport services. With everything going on the world right now, we could really use that 900+ dollars back. Greed prevails… 😳￼￼
I’m trying really hard to keep going. I believe I will, but I just need help. My counseling appointment went really well last Thursday, and I will be talking to him again this Thursday. So that’s a plus.
I’m still feeling quite a bit lost but this time I am reaching out. It’s gonna be a long process but I have to keep going. ￼
Have courage and be kind.￼￼￼
I just had my FaceTime with my neurologist. He is going to get with Dr. Nasser (pain management doctor)￼ to discuss rehab options. I’m not going to worry about that right now because with everything going on coronavirus wise, it’s going to have to wait anyways. Once all this is said and done though, he and Dr. Nasser will most likely be going after my insurance company to give me the care that I need in order to save my life! ￼
I told him I want to reevaluate my fracture at L1 and he said we will definitely look into that. I think ￼I’m gonna have to look into that on my own because it’s kind of everyone’s neglect that they didn’t notice it when I fell 6 years ago. 🙄 So I think that’s gonna be for me to figure out. LOL￼￼ I also need to find an Osteo doctor because I also have a fracture at L4 that shouldn’t have happened. So I need to have my bones checked. That sounded a little kinky. LOL
We have a follow up in June. 👍 So now that that’s out-of-the-way, both my main doctors, I will be looking for some good mental health clinics and/or physicians. ￼￼ I have called a couple but of course none of them take my insurance. 😡 I’m not giving up because I know I really need to be able to talk to someone.
I hope every person reading this is having their best day possible.
Have courage and be kind.￼￼￼
My appointment with my pain management doctor went well yesterday. We are looking into at home rehab, when the world isn’t so crazy. I decided that I will talk about a baclofen pump. I really did not want anything else embedded into my body, but if it helps me get through my leg spasticity and helps with pain, I’ll do it.￼ I was just concerned because I already have a PowerPort, my colostomy, and of course my urostomy, on my and in my person.￼ I have to do what helps. We are going to work very hard on getting my legs used to sitting in my wheelchair. The swelling is awful when I sit for too long. I am finding that ￼as long as I have my Forrest Gump shoes on it is not as bad. I will have to invest in some good compression socks. With my husband home for a while, thanks to COVID-19, we’ve been trying to move my legs more and more every day. It will be a process because I have been stuck in this bed for six years.￼￼
I have my neurologist appointment today at 1:45 PM. That was very cool of them to get me in right away since yesterday they had to cancel. Thankfully their computers￼￼ are back up and working!￼￼ I have my list of questions that will be open and ready when the call comes through.￼ Wish me luck! ￼
I contacted JS at Independence Blue Cross ￼today regarding my transport to and from my doctors as I received another explanation of benefits saying it was denied etc. It seems he is taking care of this and I will wait before￼ sending my appeal in.￼￼ if you’re reading this JS, thank you! ￼
This is my baby girl who never leaves my side. She is wondering why I’m not paying any attention to her today. But I’ve had some things to do this morning. 😁 I know that once she gets her c-o-o-k-i-e she will be very happy. I have to spell it out or she would’ve known exactly what I was saying. ￼
Now I have some time to surf around the Internet before my appointment. I can’t believe I have gotten everything done before noon. I even ate breakfast and had my coffee. I did have a little bit of a low last night. A big shout out to my husband for talking me down. I love you more than my luggage! I hope everyone is having their best day possible￼. If not remember it’s just a bad day, not a bad life.
Have courage and be kind.￼￼￼￼
I feel I owe explanation of what’s going on with me. In August when I was denied rehab my heart broke and my mind fractured. When I got the explanation￼ of benefits for the ambulance ride that was denied I felt completely betrayed. Jason Sweeney the executive at Independence Blue Cross, ￼gave me those names of those companies to take me. Then after I was taken to my doctors he explained they don’t cover that Service.￼￼￼ I have a very hard time dealing with incompetence and stupidity. And now I’m having a very hard time continuing to live the way I do.
I no longer want to exist. Let me explain when I mean by that, I can no longer live trapped in this bed for another six years, another 20 years. The pain I suffer on a daily basis is enough to make me want to leave this earth. I came very close two days ago to leaving.￼￼ Moving my toes hurts, raising my arms hurts. It’s as if there is no end in sight. ￼￼As of right now I can barely even move my arms. Thank the universe for talk text.￼￼￼ I think that’s when it all came to a head.
Now I will backtrack a little bit to maybe help explain more of what’s happened to me in the last two years.￼
In February 2018 I came to the conclusion that I did not want to live. In that instance I called an ambulance and said I needed help￼.￼ To make a long story short they got me help. They got me in the acute rehabilitation center at Palmdale regional. For one month I was there and I was getting better. But Independence Blue Cross decided they didn’t need to be there anymore so they kicked me to the curb. A couple times in-home therapy came but unfortunately he rarely showed up and when he did, he did nothing.
August 2019 we were trying to transfer me for a shower we got me in my Hoyer lift and the pain was so bad I thought I had broken another bone in my back since I already have two fractures. Thankfully there were no breaks but while I was at Palmdale regional Medical Center we tried getting me back into rehab there. Independence Blue Cross denied the request even though a￼ previous they approved it.￼￼￼￼
I will be sending this along with my denial letters (with highlighted comments and lies from Independence Blue Cross) ￼and other correspondence to anyone who will listen. LA Times, NBC, CBS, ABC, Oprah, Montel Williams, Ellen, anyone that would like a good story on how insurance companies knowingly and willingly￼willingly kill The people that rely on their care￼. I will also be doing research on how many people have perished because of Independence Blue Cross.￼￼￼￼
But again, I will not live another six years in this bed. Understand that as you will, but I am not living already. I’ve been dead inside for six years.
Have courage and be kind.￼￼
My MonSter is relentless and won’t let me go. I have no way to fight it anymore. There is nowhere to run when it’s your own mind and broken body ￼that scares you.￼ I truly am drowning and there’s no water in sight. I am fucking lost.￼
I tell people all the time I think I’m going to little crazy. Most people laugh a little because they think I’m kidding. ￼Do you have any fucking idea how it feels to have been lying in the same position for over six years￼￼? You have no idea where my mind goes.￼ I’ve had people tell me that I am lucky I still have my mind, my breath. Yeah it’s great having your mind when your body is dead. It’s wonderful to lie here 24/7 – 365 days a year when you have nothing to do but think.￼ I actually had someone tell me that it (being in bed for that long)￼ wouldn’t be possible. They actually made a comment about, “sure how do you go to the bathroom?￼” Well genius it’s only all over my blog and on my Facebook that I have holes in my stomach for that purpose. The surgery that almost killed me. But if you wanna know how I went to the bathroom before I got the stomas, sure ask me again I’ll give you all of the gory details. Fuck I’m so angry right now. So fucking angry!
The worst part is, my nightmare is never going to end. How many more times can I explain how Independence Blue Cross has killed me? I’m realizing it just doesn’t matter. Trust me, I know that no one wants to hear it about anymore. Fuck, I ￼don’t wanna deal with it anymore.￼ ￼ I am sick to fucking death of all of it!￼ and frankly, the way the US is, I’ll never get help. I’m realizing with everything that’s going on in our world right now that human lives are disposable. It’s money that counts the most. No one is going to have the rehab that I need to have because it costs too much money. My body is slowly curling up onto itself and I have no way to stop it. Without rehab there is no life for me. ￼￼ without acute care rehab I will never get out of this bed. So really, I’m already dead or I have truly lost my mind. You choose…￼￼
Have courage and be kind…￼￼￼￼