Ramblings

I’m the great pretender

Even when it’s not OK… It’s just easier. Either way I don’t like telling how I’m feeling because it’s just too depressing.

Right now not much is OK. We think that I may have a possible fracture in my right hip from when we were doing my leg exercises. Our doctor appointment with the pain management doctor was today and I couldn’t go because the moment I’m rolled over to get in my Hoyer lift the pain is just too much. So I was hoping that the pain management doctor would possibly help me by getting an ambulance to pick me up get me to the hospital for x-rays. I guess they don’t do that. He really wants me to get to the hospital but there’s no way he can help me do it. Unfortunately we cannot afford an ambulance bill because our insurance thinks they’re out of network. AMR charges about $2000 a trip for a 4 mile drive. Now eventually my insurance pays for it after I appeal it one or more times. I’m tired of having to do that every time so it’s just easier not to get the ambulance. Then if I go to emergency the  emergency room doctors are always out of network, so I have to fight the insurance company again. And usually for a two minute interaction with the doctor it’s anywhere from $1600-$2400. I am so fucking tired of having to fight every time.

So now I don’t know what I should do. I’ve been let down time and time again by these doctors out here say that want to help me and then just passing the buck or don’t go out of their way at all to help me. All my pain management doctor had to do was make a phone call but I guess that’s not his job.  Who knows maybe things are different now… the way our country is going right now everything is fucked up.

So now I am going to try and find an ambulance that takes my insurance because I know AMR does not.  But then I run into that catch 22 of having to deal with the out of network doctor at the emergency room. I just can’t fucking win. 😳

There was an article about another celebrity and her anxiety due to her multiple sclerosis. Now while I feel horribly bad for anyone being stuck with this disease celebrities will never know the real struggle. They will never know what it’s like to not have money for help. They will never know what it’s like having doctors drop the ball on them because they can afford the good doctors. So yes I feel very bad for anyone with this disease, but please if you’re a celebrity don’t act like you know the struggles and how hard it is. You have the luxury of being able to get help. I know I sound like an asshole and bitter, but if I were a celebrity I wouldn’t have these issues.

As always you lovely people… Have courage and be kind! 🖤

Happiness · health · hope · joy · medical · Pain · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM · sarcasm · silly · strength

Positivity…

This whole positive, optimistic thing is really new to me. I grew up in a somewhat negative family. Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot of love, but also negativity. These type of behaviors are learned. When you’re around negative forces it rubs off on your psyche. Now there were happy, positive times for sure, but looking back a lot of negative as well. And it was ‘taught’ in previous generations. It didn’t just start in my family, and it took me 53 years to realize this. The realization came while I was in rehab. The positivity train that that took over during that time made me re-evaluate a lot of of my life.

Again, there were a lot of positive things in my life. Unfortunately, negativity always took over many of the positive aspects. The issue I am running in to now is others in my life aren’t in the same place I am. I’ve also realized that the so called positive people in my life, truly were not all the positive. They preached positivity, but honestly didn’t live it. I have had to rid myself of many toxic things and/or people as of late. And while it is sometimes sad, I am actually okay with it. I finally understand the concept of, you have to take care of yourself first, or you cannot help anyone else.

I have found myself more than once falling back into that angry negative place. When that happens, I pause, take a breath and move on. I just give myself a little space from the negative forces that be. It’s been a very hard journey to get where I am at today. I will not let anyone take away my new outlook. Sadly, I feel like there are a few out there trying to do just that. Like I said, they’re still in that not so good place. I truly hope they can find their way out of it, but either way I will not go back.

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We truly are in charge of our own happiness no matter the hardships in our life. Believe me, it would be very easy for me to just lie down and die. And, I almost did just that. I will not go back there and I will not let anyone steal my happiness. I will not let anyone takeaway my new positive, optimistic, and determined heart. I have worked too hard in the last two months to get to this place. I also will not apologize for it.

Just a small glimpse in to the life that is me. I will get back to the journey that got me here… eventually. I hope those of you following/reading my blog are living your life to it’s fullest potential. We ALL deserve to be happy, no matter the circumstance.

Have Courage and Be Kind

 

Darkness · Death · Depression · falling · Fear · HELL · multiple sclerosis · Pain · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness

Already dead

Already dead

Because I’m already dead
You can see it in my eyes
I’m already dead
I can tell no more lies

My body is broken
my pain is so real
I can’t hold on anymore
My body won’t heal

Because i’m already dead
Can’t you see it in my eyes
I’m already dead
there are no more lies

The truth has come out
Please take me home
There’s no more to be done
My soul it is gone

Because I’m already dead
I will never be free
I’m already dead
Someone please help me

Song/Lyrics @ Tracy Radford

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health · healthcare · multiple sclerosis · Paleolithic Diet · Ramblings · Research · SoapBox

On the soapbox…

IF there was a way to cure my progressive MS and/or control it, I’d have been the first one to find it!! There is NO cure for MS. Yes, it can be controlled, remission in Relapsing Remitting MS [rrms] Yes, the right diet, exercise etc is good for me and everyone else. Sorry, I cannot exercise like everyone else. I have to use a motorized pedaler for my legs. I CANNOT pedal without help!

Protein shakes, diet shakes, whatever you wanna call em are NOT real food. They are processed ingredients. Whey protein is dairy based, and in my research the less the dairy, the better I feel. [less dairy is better for people with MS] Aspartame, Stevia, Splenda not good! What do you think makes their appearance white, bleach! Our bodies need real sugars, good sugars, raw sugar. It really is common sense. Things man made are not natural and do not belong in our bodies. I believe food is a big part of all the disease in our world today. You can go with me or not on this one, I do not care. I’ve done the research, hours and hours of it.

I’m jazzed if putting this crap in your MS filled body works for you, but do not tell others they can ‘heal’ their bodies by doing it. Shakes will not your body heal!! Especially if part of your miraculous discovery goes along with someone buying this product off of you. RRMS people can be in remission forever, there is no telling why or how, it just happens. I pray that they remain there and this lifestyle works for them. But do not ‘sell’ false hopes to others.

Again, I’ve done the research and eaten the RIGHT foods with minimal exercise, lost the weight and felt tons better. But, for some of my MS symptoms, I need the medication. Do, I want it, no. It’s a necessity. I tried going off of all of them and almost took my own life. No shake or workout is going to heal my progressive form of MS. I do appreciate the thought of ‘go check this out’ but not when the advertising gets dangerous.

So please people, do your research, find the best route for you, but do not act as though it is the only route. And inevitably, if they want you to try the product and they receive some kick back….well, nuff said!

Soapbox off!

Blessings and Hope!!