Category: Fear

Anger · Fear · Health · healthcare · HELL · Medical · mental health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Strength

And here we go again…

Tracy1 Comment

Oh Independence Blue Cross… You’re just disgusting! Seriously how do the people that work there sleep at night knowing what they’re doing to people on the other end. They are now telling me that I may be billed $5670.09 for my hip surgery because it was not pre-certified. So I guess I should’ve called them a couple days before my hip was broken to let them know that my hip was going to break. 😳 I know it’s not as simple as that, but come the fuck on! I seriously feel like they have my name on a list and it says, fuck with her so she goes crazy and dies. 😈

And contrary to what HR at my husbands work said, they only offer Independence Blue Cross and Kaiser, NOT United healthcare. And Kaiser doesn’t have an MS specialist so I am stuck with Independence Blue Cross. I will be looking into Medicare part B. We can’t really afford it, but I’ve got to do some thing.

I’m still trying to figure out why Comcast benefits called me directly. I think I’m going to call them back again and find out why. 🤔

I also had to send in an appeal for the ambulance ride in May after my suicide attempt. 😪 It’s really disgusting all the hoops you have to jump through when you have a chronic illness. Money is more important than human life. It doesn’t pay to be sick.

Anger · Fear · FUCK · Health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Religion · Sarcasm · Strength

Independence Blue Cross you never cease to amaze me.

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For a brief moment, I really believed today was starting out well. Then I receive a call from Independence Blue Cross. I guess they feel trying to take your life is not considered an emergency and they are fighting me on paying for my trip to the hospital. I feel like they should just come to my house and shoot me, point blank, in my head. It would be so much quicker and so much less painful for me. Basically they will not allow me to go anywhere to get proper physical therapy and they won’t even give me real visits for my home for Physical Therapy. We can’t continue to pay for private visits, we live paycheck to paycheck and can’t expect help for the visits forever. That speaks volumes to me about what is allowed in our country right now. Again, and I will scream it from the rooftops, I have never ever had this much trouble with my health care insurance until a certain orange idiot took over the White House. I think companies like Independence Blue Cross feel they can deny life-saving care for people because right now our government will allow it. Their internal doctors probably were not intelligent enough to get real jobs so they sit behind a computer to read papers regarding patients, without ever meeting the patient, and make life changing decisions.

At this time in my life I’m not too worried about karma since every day brings something more painful to my life. With that being said, I hope everyone of those people that is denying me the care I need has horrible and painful issues happen to them. I truly feel that’s the only way they will understand what it’s truly like to be chronically ill. Better yet, I hope it happens to someone they love so that they can feel just as helpless and lost as my whole family feels. Was that a bit harsh? Well you know what, it’s a fucking harsh world!



I don’t have over $5000 to be able to pay for that hospital visit. I shouldn’t have to pay for that hospital visit since we pay thousands of dollars a year to have Independence Blue Cross insurance. I don’t know how those people sleep at night. Well, I guess when you have no heart or soul it’s easy. Just remember that one day you disgusting people will have to answer for what you’ve done. While I don’t believe in the heaven and hell aspect of religion nor do I believe in the God that some believe in, if there were a hell… That’s where you people will end up! I’ll see you there, because you see I’m driving the bus… 

I will go on, and to those of you that are trying to blatantly and knowingly hurt my life, be prepared because winter is coming!

Have courage and be kind.

Anger · Fear · Health · Medical · mental health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Strength

Tell me I cannot do something and I will show you that I can…

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When that idiot of a doctor told me via FaceTime that there’s nothing more they can do for me, I am end-stage MS, and he’ll put in a call to hospice, I almost said “you’re right!” But after talking to some amazing friends and getting the best support in the world, he can kiss my fucking ass! Dr. Kareti at AV Neuroscience, you seriously pissed off the wrong woman. Telling someone over the phone that they are at their end, in a sense, was about the most disgusting thing a doctor could do. Aside from the fact the whole time he was shuffling papers on his table and talking to a nurse, what he did was unconscionable. What if I had been alone? What if I had no support system? He quite possibly could’ve sent someone over the edge by doing that. 

Now, I’m gonna show him just how incompetent and how wrong he is! Tell me I can’t asshole… I’m gonna show you I fucking can! You’ve just given me more strength than you know. I will admit that I was frightened of the places my mind went to after the phone call. But I made it through with so much help from my friends! I’m going to keep going even if I have to crawl.

I’m going to Keep fighting. One things for sure is I’m not going to be silent when I don’t receive the best healthcare possible. I have a remote call with my pain management doctor today and I will be informing him of the conversation I had with the neurologist. I’m curious to see if he’s going to agree with him or not. 

I’m tired, I’m scared, I’m frustrated, I’m angry, but the warrior in me is going to rise from the ashes, just like the Phoenix!!

Have courage and be kind.



Anger · Fear · FUCK · HELL · Medical · mental health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Sadness · Strength

First do no harm…

Tracy7 Comments

I think doctors forget, or simply don’t care how they speak to their patients, and how those words can affect them. Tonight in a very blasé tone while shuffling papers and speaking with the nurse that was in the room via FaceTime, Dr. Kareti from AV neuroscience, told me I am end stage MS and there’s nothing more they can do for me. The humorous part is the that their doctors office is why I’m trapped in bed from pain from hip contractures. No one found the break at L1 when I fell October 2013 which landed me in the bed. No one got me the little kickstand boots to keep my legs in proper position.  I mean if I had known then what I know now I could’ve done all this stuff on my own. Unfortunately I’m not a doctor and that’s why I was going to doctors because I thought they would know what to do. And now, there’s nothing more they can do for me. Oh wait, I forgot, they can contact hospice for me… 

Oh oh oh… I tried telling him about the Physical Therapy fuck up and the visits or lack there of, and he just blew it off. I mean he was really busy looking at papers on his desk and handing things to the nurse. I must’ve interrupted him with my FaceTime appointment.

So to sum it the fuck up, basically because I have severe pain and am unable to get out of my bed, I should just throw in the towel.

Game on bitch!

Have courage and be kind

… I just read this again and I should probably just burn it down because the pain is terrible and the pain is just so intense right now I shouldn’t be blogging about anything. But I’m gonna leave it I just felt the need to say sorry. I’m a little lost and so angry. I seriously can never catch a break.

And like I always say;







Fear · Ramblings

The other shoe dropped…

Tracy4 Comments

PT has stalled. Someone was diagnosed with Covid where he works. In the scheme of things I’m lucky, I don’t have Covid. I just hope it doesn’t put me back too far when he can come back. I also hope The person diagnosed with Covid makes a full and speedy recovery and that nobody else tests positive.

I can’t say that I’m not worried…

Have courage and be kind.

Fear · Health · Medical · mental health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

We can’t do it alone…

Tracy2 Comments

Since my husband’s been home thanks to the corona, we’ve been moving my legs more and more. It’s all been leading up to getting me into my chair. Today was that day. I wish I could say that it worked and I got into my chair. But I can’t. The pain in my lower back, my hips, and my knees was so excruciating I couldn’t do it. I was scared we were going to fracture another bone in my back. I’m so angry and bawling like a little kid. I’m angry at myself that I just didn’t bite the bullet and have them throw me into my chair. The pain was/is worse than the contractions I experienced giving birth to my son. 😢

We will try again, hopefully tomorrow. But after today, I’m scared… so scared. It really feels like I’ll never get out of his bed. I am bedridden in every sense of the word. I know I say it all the time, but wow, did my doctors drop the ball in 2013. And wow, did Independence Blue Cross fuck me in regards to Rehab. It just sucks knowing that there is no way to get help. We can’t do it alone. I’m thankful that tomorrow is my counseling appointment as I’m falling apart right now. I’m so disappointed in myself that I couldn’t do it. I know I shouldn’t be, but I am.

Oh well…

Have courage and be kind.

Fear · Health · Medical · mental health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

You’ll get through this!

Tracy6 Comments

I have made it through a couple times where I didn’t think I was going to make it. I wish I could say that it’s going to be OK, but I don’t know. I’m trying really hard every day and hoping that something is going to give. I just can’t go another 6+ years in this bed. I’ve had to learn patience, which has never been one of my virtues. I really want to stay positive but I don’t see me getting the help that I need. I’ve been in this bed for over six years and my body has, well, died in a sense. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of hard work to make my legs go back to a normal position. Unfortunately, we don’t have the money or the good insurance to get the help I need. And in this moment in my life, unless you’re trapped the way I am trapped, I understand you’re not going to understand. I know, blah blah blah. I just needed to vent it out. I’m struggling, but I’ll get through this. I’ll get through this to wake up trapped again. But, I’ll do it because that’s what everyone wants. OK, that didn’t come out the way it was supposed to, but I think some of you understand.

My legs are jacked the fuck up. I can’t straighten my knees or bend my ankles properly. I’ve been stuck in this bed for so long as I sit up, in my adjustable bed, I get dizzy. My body has literally died being in this bed. Ten to twenty, and I’m being generous, physical therapy visits won’t do anything for me. I can’t sit up unless I have help or something is behind me. But like I’ve stated before, Independence Blue Cross took me out too soon from the rehab. I was sitting up on my own. But when you get kicked out of rehab and you get no good in-home physical therapy, it all goes away.

Yes I know it’s obvious I’m struggling. I just am not sure how to wrap my head around it all. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore and that’s what scares me. But I’ll keep fighting and hopefully one day it will take me to where I need to be.

I’m sorry if it’s all over the place right now. But I can’t get my thoughts in order so, there it is.

Have courage and be kind.

Fear · FUCK · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings

The MonSter under my bed is real.

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My MonSter is relentless and won’t let me go. I have no way to fight it anymore. There is nowhere to run when it’s your own mind and broken body that scares you. I truly am drowning and there’s no water in sight. I am fucking lost.

I tell people all the time I think I’m going to little crazy. Most people laugh a little because they think I’m kidding. Do you have any fucking idea how it feels to have been lying in the same position for over six years? You have no idea where my mind goes. I’ve had people tell me that I am lucky I still have my mind, my breath. Yeah it’s great having your mind when your body is dead. It’s wonderful to lie here 24/7 – 365 days a year when you have nothing to do but think. I actually had someone tell me that it (being in bed for that long) wouldn’t be possible. They actually made a comment about, “sure how do you go to the bathroom?” Well genius it’s only all over my blog and on my Facebook that I have holes in my stomach for that purpose. The surgery that almost killed me. But if you wanna know how I went to the bathroom before I got the stomas, sure ask me again I’ll give you all of the gory details. Fuck I’m so angry right now. So fucking angry!

The worst part is, my nightmare is never going to end. How many more times can I explain how Independence Blue Cross has killed me? I’m realizing it just doesn’t matter. Trust me, I know that no one wants to hear it about anymore. Fuck, I don’t wanna deal with it anymore.  I am sick to fucking death of all of it! and frankly, the way the US is, I’ll never get help. I’m realizing with everything that’s going on in our world right now that human lives are disposable. It’s money that counts the most. No one is going to have the rehab that I need to have because it costs too much money. My body is slowly curling up onto itself and I have no way to stop it. Without rehab there is no life for me.  without acute care rehab I will never get out of this bed. So really, I’m already dead or I have truly lost my mind. You choose…

Have courage and be kind…

Fear · HELL · Loss · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · Sadness · Strength

Hope can be paralyzing…

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My favorite quote was once:

When do we finally say enough?

I’ve been trying for six years to get out of this bed. I thought I had a chance in 2018 and as you’ve heard, Independence Blue Cross took that away from me. I have to let go of hope because it has broken me. It has, paralyzed me. I was taken right up to the edge of hope and slowly watched it all fade away time and time again. How much longer do I lie in this bed? How many more nights do I cry because of the pain in my legs? It’s a torment I can’t break away from. It’s a nightmare that I can’t awaken from. I just really want to get off this ride because I don’t really like it anymore.

Then I see these quotes ^^ and think, I get it but for some of us our present situation is our whole life. There is no best yet to come without help, and I can’t get that help. I get it, I have breath, but breath is not life. It’s an existence that I’m tired of living. I am a literal, head in a bed. I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m so so very tired…

Have courage and be kind.