anger · Darkness · Depression · Faith · Fear · FUCK · health · hope · Hospital · medical · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM

Surgery – not so much…Graphic

Surgery, June 10, 2014

****WARNING graphic photos below****

I did not come out of the dark until June 26. Sixteen days of what they call ICU Psychosis. Sixteen days lost to me. To everyone around me I was awake. For me, I was in a dream, not knowing where I was.

Backtrack… The surgery was to help me get some semblance of life back. To be able to go out more and to help those taking care of me. It did not go as planned. All seemed well when they finished and stapled my tummy back together. Sadly they soon knew there was a problem. I’m no doctor so this is in layman’s terms. The stoma was not producing and I was filling up with bacteria. After a week of excruciating pain and testing, of which I have no memory, they realized I needed emergency surgery as my white blood count shot up over night and they new right away I had a serious infection.

Once the un-stapled me they realized they had to stop the colostomy and re-route everything by ileostomy. Sadly the area was highly inflamed and the wound needed to be opened more. So, now, I have a large open stomach wound which will take some months to close.


open wound

At this time I have to have a wound vac done twice a week. Sorry, but it’s fucking painful every time.

After wound vac is placed:


Basically once it’s covered, it vacuums out any type of infection, and helps the wound the slowly close back up. Mostly I’m bummed because I might lose my cute belly button. Kind of sucks. ;-P

At this time it has closed up over 6cm in a short time. My surgeon says I’m the strongest person she has ever met. That even when it got really bad and they the I might go septic, my body fought hard and won.

Honestly, I don’t feel strong right now. The nausea is awful, it’s hard to sleep, and I’m in constant pain… but I will NOT give up now. I’m looking forward to the day they can hook me all back up.

My biggest issue is the anxiety from all of this. It’s a fight not to just break down in tears. But crying makes it hard to breathe and I have to be careful. Sneezing is a bitch as is coughing. But, again, this too shall pass.

I’m thankful to be home. Sadly the second day I got home my house flooded…

Go figure! 😛


Hospital · multiple sclerosis · Pain · Ramblings · RANDOM

OMG, he’s cuttin’ my neck open…

That was my reaction when my port was put in a few months back.

Let me backtrack a bit. In February I had a port put in my chest. With the monthly  2 hour Tysabri infusions it was the best option. Me ole veins are gone and sticking me each time was getting painful and harder to do. So cool, a port, a lil contraption with a tube under my skin in my chest going in to a vein. Easy peasy, right?

First problem when we get there is no ‘twilight’ sleep or meds, as, well, no veins for an I.V. Hence the need for the port. But it’s all good! The area will be numbed up and I’ll get a shot of Ativan [not that it would work on me]. I finally get wheeled in and the doctor comes in. He looks at the area for the port, then lifts the cover from my face. He says from his charts he assumed I’d be older but when he saw my skin and how ‘young’ it looked he had to see me. ummm hmmm smooth talker! lol Meanwhile Ativan not kickin’ in… they proceed to give me some injections in my chest to numb it up! OUCH! But then he injects my neck!! Um, WTF why are you injecting my neck. **shivers. Meanwhile Ativan not kickin’ in… He starts the incision into my chest, no real pain just pressure. Then I feel my neck getting cut. Okay, I speak up. “Why are you cutting my neck?” He asks me if I understood the procedure. I told him that I was told it was a a lil contraption with a tube under my skin in my chest going in to a vein. He explains it in a bit more detail. He tells me how the lil contraption [the port] goes under the skin in my chest, then a tube is brought up through my neck, around and down towards the heart into a vein. Okay then!! I guess it’s too late to turn back now! 😉 Meanwhile Ativan not kickin’ in…

All in all, it wasn’t too bad. I hung out in recovery for a bit and then we headed home. On the ride home… the Ativan finally kicked in!! Go figure. lol

on the way home
BAD reaction to the tape and bandages. owie

I figure, dudes dig chicks with scars right! 😛 I tensed my neck a bit so you can see the tube going up through my neck! Cool right. When I do this it freaks out my kids!! lol

Peace out all!

Angels-Among-Us · hope · RANDOM

Please help Lucky!

Click to help Lucky

Lucky is an awesome doggie. I had the pleasure of meeting him personally when we went to the lake. If you are able, please help Erik and Caroline with the high cost of making him all better. Either way Lucky will get what he needs done, but I just want to help them with the costs.

Please click the link above if you can help!


Lucky’s Journey

I have personally met Lucky. He found his forever home with my nephew Erik Bol and his wife Caroline. They are true dog whisperers and now he is home with them and their 5 other furbabies.

Lucky’s diabetes is under control, but he now needs surgery to restore his sight. They have taken on all his costs up to now and will continue to do so. I wanted to start this page to help get them some donations for his eye surgery. I hope you can help this amazing couple! ~ Tracy – A Dog Named Patrick — Below is their story! ?

Background: Lucky was abandoned on the side of Consumnes River on Hywy 49 between El Dorado and Amador County in January of 2010. My brother William Fallscher discovered Lucky on the river’s edge, he was blind, emaciated, ravaged with open cuts and scrapes, and clinging to life. Lucky was rescued later that night by William and my husband Erik Bol. Erik and I (Caroline Bol) gave him refuge in our home so he could have the best chance at survival. Initially, Lucky laid in our garage on a dog bed for close to 3 weeks, unable to crawl more than three feet as not to soil where he rested. He finally was able to officially stand to do normal things, like go to the bathroom and eat food, it was so exciting. During those first weeks a veterinarian visited our home multiple times, her initial estimation was that he had been on the rivers edge for weeks and that it was especially troubling because he appeared to be diabetic and should have died due to lack of treatment, which is more than likely the reason he went blind. We sought to determine the status of Lucky’s health, the vet said she would see what she could do, because of her love for animals she was determined to help Lucky as best she could. Blood work was ran and it was conclusive that he was in fact a diabetic and needed to be treated ASAP. We began treating him immediately for his diabetes, helping him through his recovery.


When we took Lucky into our home he weighed approximately 30 lbs., currently he is at his ideal weight of about 70 lbs. He has completely integrated into our household, plays with our other dogs, and sleeps on a dog bed right next to my side of the bed on the floor. His diabetes is now completely controlled by my husband and I, but he is still blind. Our mission is to give Lucky a second chance at life, ultimately enabling him to see once again. He is the sweetest dog and my husband and I would not have changed anything, we are so happy to have Lucky in our lives. Every time I see Lucky warm and safe in our home, protected from the elements and any wildlife predators that he certainly had to fight to protect his life, I am overcome with joy. He is the ultimate fighter. Unfortunately though, he will remain blind until we can find him some help getting his eyes fixed. Currently he does not see anything and runs into everything. It would be the greatest thing if he could see again.

Vet information: Bronwyn Szignaroitz, DVM- she is a mobile vet, Phone # 916-673-8890

xx, Tracy…
hope · Ramblings · RANDOM

The donations blog…

Some clarification here. I am in agreement that it is a quirky and kind of pathetic blog and request. Here is my reasoning for it. Read or not, it’s up to you.

My hubby would let me put us in to debt to get this done, as he knows the struggles I go through daily regarding my MS and my feelings of low self-esteem regarding my body. My c-section with my twins lost me some lower tummy muscles and is something I would not trade for the world. lol I am 6′ tall when walking, but now I am 4′ feet or so as I need a wheel-chariot. At one time I was 6′ and weighed 153. I looked good. 😛 Now thanks to my MS and my medications and weight gain due to these issues, me self esteem is low. I can not bring myself to look in the mirror anymore as I do not like what I see. This is my issue and no one elses.

I’ve had people say to just deal with it, I look fine, etc. But to me, I do not. The MS took so much from me, and I want something of the old me back. My body will never be the way it was, I’m not stoopid! lol But, it can be what I feel good about. I will continue to eat right, do what small exercises I can and move forward. My neuro stated the only way to get rid of my ‘issues’ most likely would be surgery in the future. He meant it in a good way. 🙂 It’s hard for me to sit up most times, so tummy exercise are few and far between.

So, there it is. My dream, is maybe just maybe, someone will see this and offer their services. But, I will not hold my breath!! [quacks need not apply]


The ideal doctor would be Dr. 90210, Robert Rey. Wow, he does some awesome work.

So, there it is. Why the blog, why the donation button. I just can not see me spending that kind of money on me. Thanks to amazing people I’m getting the bathroom of my dreams, and more needs to be done for handicap access to my home. So that’s where we need to focus our funds, there and our 3 teenagers! lol

My motto when things seem far fetched and off base…’It could happen!’

Blessings and Hope!

health · HELL · hope · medications

The Padded Room – Living with Scoliosis

Our show this Thursday is a must ‘hear’! We will be talking with Ruby Cantu, co-host of The Padded Room.–unloc…

Ruby has suffered with severe Scoliosis for most of her life.
By Mayo Clinic staff
Scoliosis is a sideways curvature of the spine that occurs most
often during the growth spurt just before puberty. While scoliosis can be
caused by conditions such as cerebral palsy and muscular dystrophy, the
cause of most scoliosis is unknown.

Most cases of scoliosis are mild, but severe scoliosis can be disabling.
An especially severe spinal curve can reduce the amount of space within
the chest, making it difficult for the lungs to function properly.

Children who have mild scoliosis are monitored closely, usually with
X-rays, to see if the curve is getting worse. In many cases, no
treatment is necessary. Some children will need to wear a brace to stop
the curve from worsening. Others may need surgery to straighten severe
cases of scoliosis.


As shown in the next photos, our Ruby, needed surgeries.

Keith Zieber, our fabulous producer will be helping me, Tracy, interview Ruby!

Ruby is in the ‘hot seat’ and we hope to see you there!!

Blessings and Hope!