Lately I’ve been realizing that I was always one of those people that worried about what other people thought. I know most of you probably don’t think that, but that’s exactly how I was. I hid it very well with my “tough“ persona, but I always wanted to please people. My time in physical therapy rehab changed me completely. I’m now the person that I always wanted to be and if people can’t handle me, then I don’t need them in my life. I’m going to be that tough girl who fights and doesn’t let people walk over her anymore! I used to go out of my way to do things for people that never really cared. And I don’t expect a pat on the back of or even a thank you. But you know those people I’m talking about. The ones who we just have to be friends with when in reality they are no better than us. But for some reason we always thought they were, so we would go out of our way to get them to be friends with us.
I just never thought I was good enough. I thought to make friends I had to buy things, always be the ride, always be the brunt of jokes. I allowed it so it’s my problem and not theirs, but I will NOT allow it anymore. To be friends with me you have to take the good with the bad, and all of the crazy. I’m not going to change anymore for anyone! It’s nuts how it took me nearly 54 years to figure all of this out. Better late than never comes to mind. ☺️
I lie here at night, and when I can’t sleep I just have so many thoughts that go through my head. I just don’t know how to put it down on paper. So I talk text and say what I feel. Half the time I can’t remember my thoughts from the night before. I’ll just blame MS cog fog. LOL I mean if you have to have a disease then by all rights use it as a great blame tool. It’s those voices in my head that don’t let me quit. It’s those voices in my head that make me strong. It’s that little inner child that comes up to the surface when I need her.
When I feel like I can’t go on and I’m at my worst, things happen that pick me back up from the depths of my own hell.
On June 18, 2017 I joined an MS support group on Facebook. After a few months I was asked to be a part of the amazing administration team. 🤗 If not for this group I don’t think I would be holding on to hope or to life. I have met the most amazing MS warriors on the planet in this group which is now over 10,300 members strong.
Today wasn’t starting out to be very good. #Understatement 😉 When I came online I was greeted with wonderful comments to a post on Facebook by some amazing people that I met through the group. Another beautiful warrior messaged me regarding a gift she is sending me. ♥️ And then when I went in to the group, another amazing warrior sister posted a few memes and one of them resonated with me directly to my soul. I felt the need to come here and blog. I really can’t stress enough how this group and all of the amazing MS warrior brothers and sisters help me through every day! Now there are some days where I wish I could jump through the computer screen and junk punch a few of them 😂 But overall 99% of the members are absolutely wonderful. The group makes me feel like I am home.
I went to the doctor last Thursday. After the doctor we went to Walgreens to pick up my prescriptions and then we went to get something to eat. I’m still exhausted from that day. I’ve had two in home physical therapy appointments and the pain is intense. Nevertheless, I got through them both. On the days where I feel like I just can’t go on, I just want to stop everything. I ask myself why I’m doing this as I know it’s going to hurt. I start to second-guess myself. I truly am my own worst enemy!
So, instead of quitting, I push on. I remember why I’m doing this, and that makes me focus.
Just had a surprise shower after PT day 2. [not my normal shower day] I am back in my bed resting and re-charging for tomorrow!! Peace out … for now!
Taking a small break from my journey to pay tribute to the woman, who I know, helped to save my life.
Madame Carolyn B. Baker March 2, 1948 ~ January 30, 2018
We ‘met’ July of 2012. Both of us were/are big on animal rescue. I was commenting on a post regarding some asshole rescue. I noticed two disgusting humans attacking Carolyn in the post. Carolyn was holding her own, [she was and will always be fierce] but I could not pass by without defending a woman I did not know…yet. I went in and began to rip these two asshats apart for their disgusting name calling and attack on Carolyn. Needless to say, we became instant friends. We messaged each other and soon would be talking on the phone. We saved many babies that ended up in the pound by cross-posting and annoying the shit out of people. LMAO
Carolyn was someone who loved the Lord and was not afraid to share her love. I had lost my faith and she knew this and never made me feel bad about it. She would always let me know it was okay, but she would still pray for me every day. She said a prayer for me over the phone one day, and I felt chills all over my person. People pray for me on the daily, and I appreciate it, buy I never felt a presence like I did that day.
I knew she was an amazing soul, I just never knew she was also the most humble soul I would ever meet. She never talked about her past. One day while on the phone, I asked her about a picture I saw of Ray Charles and her. She laughed a lil’ [how I loved her laugh] and said, “Yes, I knew him!” laughing Knew him… she not only knew him, she produced records for him. She was a Warner Bros. Record Executive. She was an Associate Producer and Talent Agent for the ‘Dinah Shore’ show. This is just a small part, and I mean small part, I nicked from her page:
TALENT EXEC · April 1971 to June 1977
Motown Returns to the Apollo,
Showtime at The Apollo,
Dick Clark Productions,
Founding Principal · June 1979 to March 1982 · New York, New York
development and launch of channel
Developed Talent and Acquisitions Dept; set up acquisition deals with major labels and other content providers.
Carolyn B. Baker llc
Chief executive officer · 1981 to 1988
1977 to 1978
TALENT EXEC, Marketing Kool and Gang , Grammy, Emmy (music), Smokey Robinson show, Motown Returns to the Apollo (85)
I could brag about this brilliant beautiful woman for days. She deserved so many kudos in life. If I had not asked, she never would have said anything. Like I said, HUMBLE, truly humble. There are parts of her story that will remain with me. Just know that she was STRONG, A WARRIOR, and A GODDESS!!
A few years ago her trusty Mac died on her. Times were tough at that moment, so I gave her my old MacBook Pro. My husband took it to work with him at NBC/UNI. She didn’t want us to have to take it to her, especially in the shape I was in at the time. Typical Carolyn. She needed no directions as that girl had been there before. 😉 She pulled up in her Vintage Benz, got out, went to my hubby, and hugged him hard. She stepped back, looked at him, and hugged him hard again. She told him, “Take care of my girl!” Now, for the kicker… I was so jealous that my husband got to hold her and see her, because I never had. ☺ We made plans for the six years we knew each other, but health issues and life always got in the way. Yet, I loved her like she was family, and she loved me back. In her last couple weeks on this Earth, she fought hard. She called me during that time and said, “God is good, I’m getting better. We are going to get together young lady!” Then, just like that, she was gone.
I will never be able to do her life justice. I know she is the reason I’m alive today. I know she was in my room when I came to my crossroads. I know she was with me on the day of her service, that I watched via live stream in the rehabilitation center. I felt her presence then and I feel it now. She was bold in life and she is bold in Heaven!!
I miss her laugh, I miss her voice, and I will miss her forever.
She once told me, “Girl, things always happen for a reason. We found each other, didn’t we?” Followed by her beautiful, infectious laugh.
Facebook has brought me together with some fabulous people who battle the MonSter with me. Heather Leffel is an amazing young woman who shares so much of herself and of the struggles we, fighting MS, go through. Recently she did a video on “MS and the Losses We Suffer“. Together, with Kate Milliken, a video was compiled of excerpts from people suffering from MS [all types] and the losses they have experienced.
I am honored to be a part of this amazing project! I believe the Universe sends us messages from time to time, when we truly need them. I have been going through a very rough time as of late. I was losing hope… Then, BAM, the finished video showed up on my FB feed. As I watched it through my tears, I felt the hope returning to my soul. I was so inspired by those who shared their hearts.
Have a fun and safe Evening! Keep your furbabies safe and away from opening doors.
Last night was the pumpkin carving party at Don’s house. Here are the wonderful pumpkins that were carved. It was a fun time for all.
I started out dressing like a Vampire, but the wig cap/wig gave me a headache. My fitted Vampire teeth were a pain in the mouth! lol
So, ended up as a Witch. The lace on my hat is over 90 years old. It was my Nana’s. There is also a black rose with it. This is my favorite Witch hat. Yes, I have more than one. 😛
My fabulous make-up was done by Steph. She made me look damn good for a 51 year old. lol
Even with the pain, I had so much fun! I have let fear, being self-conscious, and embarrassment from my illness stop me from doing so many things. I know there will be times when my condition will keep from doing certain things. It makes me sad to not be able to be ‘normal’. One thing is for sure; I am blessed with a support team that always has my back. They never give up on me, even when I give up on myself. I am one of the lucky ones!
As I logged on to FaceBook today I read a very sad post. An amazing lady, animal advocate, and friend had passed away on Thursday.
Lisa Myer gave of herself daily in order to save the lives of animals in shelters. It never mattered the breed, or the circumstances, it was all about the unconditional love she had for these amazing creatures.
I never got the honor to meet her in person, but I knew her in the animal advocate community for quite some time now. She will missed by so many in the community.
My deepest sympathies go out to her family during this time. She was a person who felt deeply in regards to the inhumanities against our beloved 4-legged babies. She took her cause to heart.
I will not get in to the circumstances of her death here. It is tragic and will take time for those who loved her to understand. All I know is Heaven must have needed and new angel. I know in my heart when she got to the bridge, she was met by many sloppy wet kisses from the animals she fought for and those she loved. She will be advocating from her new resting place, and I truly hope she found the peace and serenity she so deserved.
If you knew Lisa and would like to join the FaceBook memorial to her, please click here.