boredom · confession · Craziness · friendship · Happiness · hope · lonliness · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · sarcasm · strength · stupid_stuff

Just be you!!

Lately I’ve been realizing that I was always one of those people that worried about what other people thought. I know most of you probably don’t think that, but that’s exactly how I was. I hid it very well  with my “tough“ persona,  but I always wanted to please people. My time in physical therapy rehab changed me completely. I’m now the person that I always wanted to be and if people can’t handle me, then I don’t need them in my life. I’m going to be that tough girl who fights and doesn’t let people walk over her anymore! I used to go out of my way to do things for people that never really cared. And I don’t expect a pat on the back of or even a thank you. But you know those people I’m talking about. The ones who we just have to be friends with when in reality they are no better than us. But for some reason we always thought they were, so we would go out of our way to get them to be friends with us.

I just never thought I was good enough. I thought to make friends I had to buy things, always be the ride, always be the brunt of jokes. I allowed it so it’s my problem and not theirs, but I will NOT allow it anymore. To be friends with me you have to take the good with the bad, and all of the crazy. I’m not going to change anymore for anyone! It’s nuts how it took me nearly 54 years to figure all of this out. Better late than never comes to mind. ☺️

I lie here at night, and when I can’t sleep I just have so many thoughts that go through my head. I just don’t know how to put it down on paper. So I talk text and say what I feel. Half the time I can’t remember my thoughts from the night before. I’ll just blame MS cog fog. LOL I mean if you have to have a disease then by all rights use it as a great blame tool.  It’s those voices in my head that don’t let me quit. It’s those voices in my head that make me strong. It’s that little inner child that comes up to the surface when I need her.

Self discovery that’s really a great thing!

Have courage and be kind…

Angels-Among-Us · Animal Adocates · Animal Rescue · Animals · family · hope · joy · love · multiple sclerosis · Pit Bull · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · Shelter Dogs · strength

Furbaby Love

I just thought I would share a little bit of what makes me smile every day. My children with paws 🐾

Clockwise from top left: Soloh, Charlie (girl), Gatsby, Zoe (kitty),  and Dexter Morgan.

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐱

Soloh. She never leaves my side. She actually saved my life. 🧡Pittie-mix the best dog you could ever love.

All rescues, as in my mind, rescue IS the only breed!

This handsome bearded dragon was Stewie.  He is and will always be the only bearded dragon I will ever love. 😉 He was awesome!

Animals are forever! They love you unconditionally and they should always be treated like family. I am against breeding as I believe until they all have a home it should be stopped. There really is no need for designer dogs. So please, adopt, Don’t shop! I know breeding will never stop completely but until we can clear out the shelters and stop the murder of so many healthy beautiful animals we need to rethink breeding for the time being.  And, FYI, you can find many purebreds in the shelters and breed-specific rescue’s. So there really is no reason to go to a breeder.  I will now step down off my soapbox. 😂🤣

Mwahahaha

As always, have courage and be kind!

 

Depression · Fear · hope · HORROR · lonliness · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · sarcasm · strength · stupid_stuff

It really is OK!

I haven’t slept all that well for the past couple of days. Might have something to do with my 1 PM wake up call yesterday and the very strange sleep that went along with it. 🤔 I’m not OK. It’s not that anything is wrong, it’s just that the reality of my life sets in every once in a while and grabs a hold. Small things, like watching a movie and someone rolls over in their bed and cuddles their pillow, causes tears to fall from my eyes. Oh how I wish I could roll over on my own and cuddle my pillow! ☁️ (I know it’s a cloud I couldn’t find a pillow, LOL)

The funk that I’m in is bound to pass soon. I just get so frustrated being trapped 24/7/365. Lately I’ve been very angry at myself for becoming depressed. My new positive outlook is making everyone so happy that I feel like I can’t have a bad day. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I have to remind myself that I am human. I have to remind myself that my situation is pretty fucked up. But, I also have to remind myself that I will get through it. It is kind of funny to my twisted mind that I’m worried about upsetting people if I get upset so I’m trying to say happy so that everybody else is happy so that no one is upset. Wrap your mind around that one. 🤭

As I am sitting here, watching a horror movie trying to write this blog, the theme from the ‘Banana Splits’ show is going through my head.

The banana splits TV theme song:

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

One banana, two banana, three banana, four.
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Comin’ on to bring you The Banana Splits Show.

Makin up a mess of fun
Makin up a mess of fun
Lot’s of fun for everyone.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

Four banana, three banana, two banana, one.
All bananas playing in the bright warm sun.
Flippin like a pancake, poppin like a cork
Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la lad la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

And that my friends… Is how my mind works. 😜

Have courage and be kind!

anger · confession · Darkness · Depression · Fear · FUCK · Happiness · health · HELL · hope · HORROR · joy · lonliness · love · multiple sclerosis · nightmares · Pain · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · sarcasm · silly · strength

The prison that is my body

To literally and figuratively be trapped in your own body is tantamount to living in a horror movie. Horror movies are my genre and most days I feel like I’m staring in my very own movie. I wonder when I’ll get my star in Hollywood? 😜 That feeling of claustrophobia that feeling of been unable to move is a feeling no person should ever have to endure. Unfortunately many of us have to live this way every day of our lives. The Normies ( people without any type of illness ) go about their day in a bubble. I know, I was there once. While I was always a person to help others, by opening doors for someone in a wheelchair, by reaching things for people who couldn’t, or just to have a kind word for someone, the truth is  I never really saw the person.  I could feel for them and wish I could help them in other ways but I never quite understood just how it was living that way. Now that I am that person that needs help I realize just how much our country needs to wake up and give love instead of hate. I’ve had people push me aside in my manual wheelchair because they needed to get something and they couldn’t reach reach something with me in front of them. It didn’t matter that I was looking at something to purchase, all that mattered was I was in their way. I was a third class citizen that didn’t even need to be asked if I could please move for a second. Trust me that person never did that to anyone else ever again once I was through with them, but what if I had been someone that didn’t have a voice.

That’s the question in my mind every single day. How will I break free, or will I ever be able to. If I’m truly honest with myself I know that I will not get back what I have lost. I’m not saying that in a sad or depressing way, I’m saying it in a medically proven way. If only one doctor had said this to me I probably would’ve laughed at him, but it’s been  several doctors have said this to me. I know they’re not trying to discourage me or hurt me they’re trying to give me reality. They don’t want me to get my hopes up so they’re giving me statistics regarding people with my severity of the disease. With primary progressive multiple sclerosis you constantly progress. There is no remission there is no 10 minute break. 😉 There is no relapse that you will come out of and be OK. You just continue to get worse.  So now I’m trying to resign myself to the fact that my future, at this moment, isn’t very bright. As you noticed, I said at this moment. While I am a realist, I am also a dreamer. So I will continue to do my exercises, I will continue to fight this MonSter.  But I’m scared. Even those with MS will, I pray, never have to be trapped like this. The disease itself is horrific but the thought of spending the rest of my life trapped in this bed is  completely and utterly paralyzing. And I can say, with the upmost truth and honesty… I want to live, not just exist.

Have courage and be kind

family · friendship · hope · love · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · strength

There are signs everywhere

When I feel like I can’t go on and I’m at my worst, things happen that pick me back up from the depths of my own hell.

On June 18, 2017 I joined an MS support group on Facebook. After a few months I was asked to be a part of the amazing administration team. 🤗 If not for this group I don’t think I would be holding on to hope or to life. I have met the most amazing MS warriors on the planet in this group which is now over 10,300 members strong.

Today wasn’t starting out to be very good. #Understatement 😉  When I came online I was greeted with wonderful comments to a post on Facebook by some amazing people that I met through the group. Another beautiful warrior messaged me regarding a gift she is sending me. ♥️ And then when I went in to the group, another amazing warrior sister posted a few memes and one of them resonated with me directly to my soul. I felt the need to come here and blog. I really can’t stress enough how this group and all of the amazing MS warrior brothers and sisters help me through every day! Now there are some days where I wish I could jump through the computer screen and junk punch a few of them 😂  But overall 99% of the members are absolutely wonderful. The group makes me feel like I am home.

And now without any further ado the meme…

Now if only I could have her hair. ☺️

Have courage and be kind!

anger · boredom · confession · Darkness · Depression · Faith · family · Fear · health · healthcare · hope · lonliness · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · sadness · strength

Bedridden…

bedridden

[bed-rid-n]
1. confined to bed because of illness, injury,etc.
——————————
 I’m not sure what’s going on right now. I am starting to have a hard time being confined to my prison that is my body. It’s now been four years and eight months that I have been in this bed 95% of the time. I think I’m going a little mad. 😳 More  so than normal. 😉 There are so many things that need to be done in my home and it’s making me crazy that I can’t do any of it. And with this finding of my fracture of my back at L1 my mind can’t stop thinking.  Is that fracture what caused my legs to completely stop working or is it the MS? The doctors say there’s no way to tell. Will that fracture make it so I’ll never be able to stand or transfer again? That’s a question I completely forgot to ask at my last pain management doctor appointment. I could just hit myself for forgetting to ask that question. But when I’m there I am so confused and I don’t feel like they even care about it. I mean why should they, right?!
 Is it completely futile to keep trying to move? I woke up this morning when my alarm went off and slept right through it. My thoughts were, what’s the point?  I might as well just sleep because I can’t do anything else.  Around noon I woke up, raised my bed, and my son brought me coffee. I did a few things around Facebook and then came in here to write this blog. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I have so many ideas in my head of things I wanna do to help my family. But then reality hits and I can’t really do much to help anyone. I can’t even help myself. I don’t mean that in a pity way. I literally cannot do things for myself. When I talk bedridden that’s exactly what I mean.  Maybe bedbound would be better because I am bound to my bed. 🤔
 I think the part that makes me crazy is that I know what needs to get done in my home and there’s no way to get it done. My kids work, my husband works 50 hours a week and has a three Hour round-trip drive – sometimes more depending on traffic. We can’t afford someone to come in and clean and help me, so WTF! 😥  Even on the rare occasion that I get up in my wheelchair to go to a doctors appointment, I can’t do anything around the house because the pain is so paralyzing.
 The one thing I cannot stress enough people, is if you have the chance to do something and you are able, do it! Don’t wait.  I guarantee if you do you have regret for the rest of your life.
  I know, I’m kind of all over the place with this blog because, as I stated above, I’m not sure what I’m even trying to say. I’m working so hard about keeping a positive attitude.  There are days when it’s very hard to do so. I know that right now I’m just having a  few bad days and it’s not a bad life.  Right?
 I’m trying, I really am!  I’m just waiting for the universe to cut us a break. We need help and I’m not sure how to get that help. I’ve always taking care of things even from this bed and now I feel pretty hopeless and helpless. But, I truly am a warrior, and I will fight and I will find a way for my family if it’s the last thing I do! And the reason why, is because I’m the mommy!! 🖤
 Have courage and be kind!