Tag: random

Loss · Quotes · Ramblings · Sadness

I have got to get my head right!

Tracy2 Comments

Like I said in my previous post, I’m numb. I was just watching a movie, and could not stop crying. Not so much because of the movie, but because of the characters. You know, being able to walk and all. I know, petty right? I just want to be able to get up and do my make up and go to a restaurant and sit in a booth. (OK I wouldn’t do it right now, you know corona and all) I just want to feel my feet on the ground again. For 2,461 days (give or take doctors appointments etc.) I have been in this bed. I know I should accept it and like a couple people have said, get over it, but that’s not an easy thing to do. I just feel like everything is crashing down on me. I don’t feel strong. I feel like I just want to fall in a hole and hide away.  I seriously cannot stop crying. And it’s not just a couple little tears, it’s ugly crying.

I know, I know that I will survive this. But seriously, sometimes I wonder what’s to survive?! I know logically that it’s taken me 2,461 days to get here, so good things won’t happen overnight. All I need to do is to be able to get into my wheelchair. You would think that would be easy right? It’s not. The pain in my hips I believe is getting better with each PT appointment, but the range of things I need to do I can’t do at my house. So then my mind goes back to Independence Blue Cross denying me rehab in the facility. I know I should let it go and get over that, but I’m fucking angry. I am so fucking angry. I’m never comfortable anymore. I can never find any relief. Before anyone asks, I am not suicidal. I’m angry! I’m angry at my doctors who dropped the ball 2,461 days ago! I’m angry at an insurance company who values money over human life! I’m fucking angry at rich people who have the money to afford the kind of help I need! I know it’s not their fault they’re rich. 😜 I don’t even know where I’m going with this blog but I just knew that I needed to get it out. 

Then I read all of these wonderful motivating quotes people do, so, when does it get better? I am moving forward. I am doing all the things I’ve been told I should do. I am trying to learn patience. I am trying to hold it all together. I am just really tired of only existing and not living. I miss being able to wear regular shoes. I miss being able to wear jeans. Oh you have no idea just how badly I miss being able to wear jeans! And oh my God, boots! I miss boots! I miss taking two stairs at a time. I miss being able to see over everyone in the crowd. (6′ tall here) I miss being able to just put on a bathing suit and get into a pool. I really miss going to the beach.  The one thing I miss more than anything, is to be able to go places with my kids, my family! I miss me.



I can’t take off my warrior mask. I cannot fall apart. I would love to be able to let go of the weight that I’m carrying. You have no idea. As I’m reading what I have written, WOW, do I sound like a little crybaby bitch. I am one of those people that hate people that cry and complain all the time over trivial shit, ie. the common cold and such. I really hope they never get something substantial because they won’t be able to handle it. But alas, then I feel bad for feeling that way because it truly is all relative to the person going through it. So then I feel like a real bitch. Then I get angry at myself for being a bitch, and the self deprecation cycle goes round and round. I just want to know why it has to be so hard.

If you’ve made it through my crybaby blog, thank you. I am trying to hold it together. I am just glad that it’s almost time for bed because I’m truly done with this day.

Have courage and be kind…

Craziness · FUCK · Health · HELL · mental health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Strength

How do you know how to feel when you don’t know how you’re feeling?

Tracy4 Comments

Lately when my alarm goes off in the morning I’ve just been lying in my bed for a good hour or more debating… do I actually open my eyes and wake up or do I go back to sleep?! My days run into each other and as of late I’ve been a day off. I’m still waiting for the Physical Therapy to get back with my insurance. I’m very thankful that my mom is paying for private sessions while I wait, but she should not have to do that. Independence Blue Cross is yet again sitting on their thumb and twirling. I’m jumping through their hoops and doing in-home physical therapy. The pain is horrifying. Unfortunately I don’t have the medications I would get if I were in an actual rehab facility. I just keep gritting my teeth and going for it. We should not have to deal with this crap when we pay good money for actual healthcare insurance. Our country has gone to hell in a handbasket over the last 3.5 years. I’ve never in my life had this much trouble with insurance. I feel like I’m in limbo.

Although I will say that in a way it’s good that I am stuck in my room in my bed right now. We have so many idiot privileged Americans that think they don’t have to wear a mask. Look asshole, you MUST wear a fucking mask. And please don’t tell me you have a medical condition that makes it impossible for you to wear a mask. If that is true, you should keep your sick ass at home during a pandemic. I know brains are in short supply right now with everyone that follows the idiot in chief. And now we have another shit show starting with Kanye West thinking he’s going to run for president. I really hope everyone realizes this is just a ploy, most likely between him and the orange Cheeto to take away votes. But, the orange guy only got in because of the electoral college. He did not win the popular vote! So just like the south losing the war, he lost the popular vote. 

You ignorant people are the reason countries are banning Americans right now. Our country is the laughingstock of the world. And please don’t call yourself a patriot and say you love your country! If you can’t wear a mask to protect others in your wonderful country, then you’re nothing but a piece of shit! I’m sure it’s quite obvious that I despise the idiot in the White House. Not because he’s a Republican but because he’s a vile disgusting human being. If you can’t wear a mask to help your country you are no patriot!

I know my blog is going all over the place today because that’s where my head is. I’m numb right now and I’m not sure why. I am deeply saddened by everything happening in our world right now. My heart breaks with all of the hatred from certain groups of people RACISTS that are being caught on video all over the place. Again I’m probably better off being trapped in my bed because if I were anywhere near these racist “Karen” bitches, they would be laid out on the concrete. I have no time for those disgusting people.

And please don’t come at me with all lives matter. No shit Sherlock we know that. But right now in our country black lives are in jeopardy. And quite frankly all lives don’t matter until Black Lives Matter! I will no longer sit by as a white woman and be complacent about this issue. I have friends that are hurting and I will stand next to them and fight with them! ✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿

Unfortunately those people running around saying all lives matter really only care about life in the womb. The minute it comes out, you don’t care anymore. I won’t debate anyone on this because it’s right out there for you to see. People are out celebrating the Fourth of July while children are sitting in cages in the United States of America. For those people that think that’s acceptable, you’re a piece of shit. (we seem to have a lot of shit in our country right now don’t we) Plain and simple! I know I know you’re gonna blame their parents. I’m sorry if I lived in a shitty country I would do anything I could to get my children to a better place. If you are a parent who wouldn’t do that, I feel sorry for your children. Well shit, right now I do live in a shitty country. That’s a thought to ponder. 

Let’s see, have I missed anything or anyone?! I think I’m good to go right now. I swear lately I have eye rolled myself into oblivion with all the ignorance that I’m seeing. 🙄 I am sorry, but it’s no longer that we have a difference in opinion, we have a difference in morality!

As always, have courage and be kind! 🖤



Health · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · Strength

The human body truly is an amazing thing.

Tracy3 Comments

While I await more rehab through my insurance, I am having a private Physical Therapy. It really sucks when you have to pay for some thing out of your pocket to keep it going when you pay thousands to have healthcare insurance. I’m hoping this will be taken care of within the next couple weeks and my insurance will pick it back up. I knew I could not stop for the little bits that I’ve gained would be lost. I’m very thankful to my stepmom or as I call her, mom, for taking care of private sessions for me.

I really believe that I will be able to get back into my Hoyer lift and into my chair within the month of July. I’m realizing there are some medical issues I will have to get taken care of as well. Both of my knees have frontal torn meniscus’s. This causes some serious pain when bending my knees. But we are taking it slowly and the pain is lessening. I should’ve had these problems fixed years ago, but they would not fix the issue that caused the problems. My doctor told me insurance would not cover it because of my illness and the fact that I spent a lot of time in a wheelchair. So basically every couple years I would just have to get these surgeries to put a Band-Aid on the issue. I had already had one surgery to fix the issue and now I was going to need another one… That’s another story for another blog.

My body lets my physical therapist know when it’s had enough. My leg will literally stop any movement. If that makes any sense at all. It truly is amazing how the human body works to protects itself. I am learning the saying, move it or lose it, is so very true. I’m doing everything I can on my own to move my legs as much as I can, and my husband is also trying to help as much as possible. He has his own back issues and it causes him a lot of pain helping me. So it’s a lot of moaning and groaning going on as he moves me around. Old people problems. 😜

Patience is something that I have to work on. It really isn’t one of my virtues. I am learning and I know that it took 6 1/2 years to get to this place so it’s not going to be fixed overnight. This time I will not give up. This time I will not give in. This time I will fight for my life!

Have courage and be kind. 

Fear · Health · Medical · mental health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

You’ll get through this!

Tracy6 Comments

I have made it through a couple times where I didn’t think I was going to make it. I wish I could say that it’s going to be OK, but I don’t know. I’m trying really hard every day and hoping that something is going to give. I just can’t go another 6+ years in this bed. I’ve had to learn patience, which has never been one of my virtues. I really want to stay positive but I don’t see me getting the help that I need. I’ve been in this bed for over six years and my body has, well, died in a sense. It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of hard work to make my legs go back to a normal position. Unfortunately, we don’t have the money or the good insurance to get the help I need. And in this moment in my life, unless you’re trapped the way I am trapped, I understand you’re not going to understand. I know, blah blah blah. I just needed to vent it out. I’m struggling, but I’ll get through this. I’ll get through this to wake up trapped again. But, I’ll do it because that’s what everyone wants. OK, that didn’t come out the way it was supposed to, but I think some of you understand.

My legs are jacked the fuck up. I can’t straighten my knees or bend my ankles properly. I’ve been stuck in this bed for so long as I sit up, in my adjustable bed, I get dizzy. My body has literally died being in this bed. Ten to twenty, and I’m being generous, physical therapy visits won’t do anything for me. I can’t sit up unless I have help or something is behind me. But like I’ve stated before, Independence Blue Cross took me out too soon from the rehab. I was sitting up on my own. But when you get kicked out of rehab and you get no good in-home physical therapy, it all goes away.

Yes I know it’s obvious I’m struggling. I just am not sure how to wrap my head around it all. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore and that’s what scares me. But I’ll keep fighting and hopefully one day it will take me to where I need to be.

I’m sorry if it’s all over the place right now. But I can’t get my thoughts in order so, there it is.

Have courage and be kind.

Happiness · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings

FaceTime visit with my doctor!

Tracy2 Comments

I just had my FaceTime with my neurologist. He is going to get with Dr. Nasser (pain management doctor) to discuss rehab options. I’m not going to worry about that right now because with everything going on coronavirus wise, it’s going to have to wait anyways. Once all this is said and done though, he and Dr. Nasser will most likely be going after my insurance company to give me the care that I need in order to save my life! 

I told him I want to reevaluate my fracture at L1 and he said we will definitely look into that. I think I’m gonna have to look into that on my own because it’s kind of everyone’s neglect that they didn’t notice it when I fell 6 years ago. 🙄 So I think that’s gonna be for me to figure out. LOL I also need to find an Osteo doctor because I also have a fracture at L4 that shouldn’t have happened. So I need to have my bones checked. That sounded a little kinky. LOL

We have a follow up in June. 👍 So now that that’s out-of-the-way, both my main doctors, I will be looking for some good mental health clinics and/or physicians.  I have called a couple but of course none of them take my insurance. 😡 I’m not giving up because I know I really need to be able to talk to someone.

I hope every person reading this is having their best day possible.

Have courage and be kind.

Happiness · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

Mommy pay attention to me!

Tracy2 Comments

My appointment with my pain management doctor went well yesterday. We are looking into at home rehab, when the world isn’t so crazy. I decided that I will talk about a baclofen pump. I really did not want anything else embedded into my body, but if it helps me get through my leg spasticity and helps with pain, I’ll do it. I was just concerned because I already have a PowerPort, my colostomy, and of course my urostomy, on my and in my person. I have to do what helps. We are going to work very hard on getting my legs used to sitting in my wheelchair. The swelling is awful when I sit for too long. I am finding that as long as I have my Forrest Gump shoes on it is not as bad. I will have to invest in some good compression socks. With my husband home for a while, thanks to COVID-19, we’ve been trying to move my legs more and more every day. It will be a process because I have been stuck in this bed for six years.

I have my neurologist appointment today at 1:45 PM. That was very cool of them to get me in right away since yesterday they had to cancel. Thankfully their computers are back up and working! I have my list of questions that will be open and ready when the call comes through. Wish me luck! 

I contacted JS at Independence Blue Cross today regarding my transport to and from my doctors as I received another explanation of benefits saying it was denied etc. It seems he is taking care of this and I will wait before sending my appeal in. if you’re reading this JS, thank you! 

This is my baby girl who never leaves my side. She is wondering why I’m not paying any attention to her today. But I’ve had some things to do this morning. 😁 I know that once she gets her c-o-o-k-i-e she will be very happy. I have to spell it out or she would’ve known exactly what I was saying. 

Now I have some time to surf around the Internet before my appointment. I can’t believe I have gotten everything done before noon. I even ate breakfast and had my coffee. I did have a little bit of a low last night. A big shout out to my husband for talking me down. I love you more than my luggage! I hope everyone is having their best day possible. If not remember it’s just a bad day, not a bad life.

Have courage and be kind.

Health · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings

To the people that I cherish so much

Tracy4 Comments

I feel I owe explanation of what’s going on with me. In August when I was denied rehab my heart broke and my mind fractured. When I got the explanation of benefits for the ambulance ride that was denied I felt completely betrayed. Jason Sweeney the executive at Independence Blue Cross, gave me those names of those companies to take me. Then after I was taken to my doctors he explained they don’t cover that Service. I have a very hard time dealing with incompetence and stupidity. And now I’m having a very hard time continuing to live the way I do.

I no longer want to exist. Let me explain when I mean by that, I can no longer live trapped in this bed for another six years, another 20 years. The pain I suffer on a daily basis is enough to make me want to leave this earth. I came very close two days ago to leaving. Moving my toes hurts, raising my arms hurts. It’s as if there is no end in sight. As of right now I can barely even move my arms. Thank the universe for talk text. I think that’s when it all came to a head.

Now I will backtrack a little bit to maybe help explain more of what’s happened to me in the last two years.

In February 2018 I came to the conclusion that I did not want to live. In that instance I called an ambulance and said I needed help. To make a long story short they got me help. They got me in the acute rehabilitation center at Palmdale regional. For one month I was there and I was getting better. But Independence Blue Cross decided they didn’t need to be there anymore so they kicked me to the curb. A couple times in-home therapy came but unfortunately he rarely showed up and when he did, he did nothing.

August 2019 we were trying to transfer me for a shower we got me in my Hoyer lift and the pain was so bad I thought I had broken another bone in my back since I already have two fractures. Thankfully there were no breaks but while I was at Palmdale regional Medical Center we tried getting me back into rehab there. Independence Blue Cross denied the request even though a previous they approved it.

So this doesn’t go on till the end of time, here and here are more of the backstory of trying to get into Palmdale regional medical center.

I will be sending this along with my denial letters (with highlighted comments and lies from Independence Blue Cross) and other correspondence to anyone who will listen. LA Times, NBC, CBS, ABC, Oprah, Montel Williams, Ellen, anyone that would like a good story on how insurance companies knowingly and willinglywillingly kill The people that rely on their care. I will also be doing research on how many people have perished because of Independence Blue Cross.

But again, I will not live another six years in this bed. Understand that as you will, but I am not living already. I’ve been dead inside for six years.

Have courage and be kind.

Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · Strength

MS Awareness Month day 29

Tracy2 Comments

I know that living in the past or thinking about the past is something that we should not resign ourselves to do, but I really do miss who I was before. I was someone who loved working. Grocery shopping, in my book, was one of the best things to do. I know, I’ve never said I wasn’t a little strange. But, laundry is what I really miss doing. And no, I’m totally serious about this. I think it’s all about the fresh smells, the warm clothes right out of the dryer, and even the act of folding things was fun for me. The weird thing is before I never thought about any of these things. I never realized why I did not mind doing these things. So I guess MS has taught me to look at things in a different light, a different perspective. Out of all these things I miss, driving is definitely the one that kicked me down the hardest. Driving was an escape, freedom, something I loved doing. When I lost that privilege, I was broken for quite some time. I could say that I will never drive again because at this point it’s probably true. Instead though, I can keep wishing and hoping that one day I may drive again. Yes, again I’m pretty sure I’ll never drive again, but it’s always so lovely to dream. 🖤

So as I wrote the above I kept thinking to myself, what I really miss is being able to do ‘anything’. We’ve been trying daily for a shower and it still has not worked. I did have a really good bed bath though, so I do get clean. 😇 We are starting slowly with my husband rolling me over on my side for 20 minutes to a half hour. It really fucking hurts, but each time it seems to be getting a little easier so maybe one day it won’t hurt at all. When I talk about what we’re doing my mind starts taking me to that bad place inside that discourages me. The feeling that it’s never gonna happen no matter how slowly we go. I’m thankful that I’m feeling it and acknowledging it straight away, but it’s still scary for me. You see, in my mind, when I see myself I’m not trapped in this bed. I see myself rolling over and sitting up and walking. It’s almost like a dream, but that’s what I see in my mind, my heart. I’m going to keep dreaming and maybe one day it won’t just be a dream.

Have courage and be kind.