#Depression #Anxiety ￼#Loneliness #MentalHealth￼ #MotivationApp￼
Have courage and be kind.￼
#Depression #Anxiety ￼#Loneliness #MentalHealth￼ #MotivationApp￼
Have courage and be kind.￼
When that idiot of a doctor told me via FaceTime that there’s nothing more they can do for me, I am end-stage MS, and he’ll put in a call to hospice, I almost said “you’re right!￼” But after talking to some amazing friends and getting the best support in the world, he can kiss my fucking ass! Dr. Kareti at AV Neuroscience, you seriously pissed off the wrong woman.￼￼ Telling someone over the phone that they are at their end, in a sense, was about the most disgusting thing a doctor could do. Aside from the fact the whole time he was shuffling papers on his table and talking to a nurse, what he did was unconscionable. What if I had been alone? What if I had no support system? He quite possibly could’ve sent someone over the edge by doing that. ￼
Now, I’m gonna show him just how incompetent and how wrong he is! Tell me I can’t asshole… I’m gonna show you I fucking can! You’ve just given me more strength than you know. I will admit that I was frightened of the places my mind went to after the phone call. But I made it through with so much help from my friends! I’m going to keep going even if I have to crawl.
I’m going to Keep fighting. One things for sure is I’m not going to be silent when I don’t receive the best healthcare possible. I have a remote call with my pain management doctor today and I will be informing him of the conversation I had with the neurologist. I’m curious to see if he’s going to agree with him or not. ￼
I’m tired, I’m scared, I’m frustrated, I’m angry, but the warrior in me is going to rise from the ashes, just like the Phoenix!!
Have courage and be kind￼￼.
I think doctors forget, or simply don’t care how they speak to their patients, and how those words can affect them￼. Tonight in a very blasé tone while shuffling papers and speaking with the nurse that was in the room via FaceTime, Dr. Kareti from AV neuroscience, told me I am end stage MS and there’s nothing more they can do for me.￼￼ The humorous part is the that their doctors office is why I’m trapped in bed from pain from hip contractures. No one found the break at L1 when I fell October 2013 which landed me in the bed.￼ No one got me the little kickstand boots to keep my legs in proper position. ￼￼￼ I mean if I had known then what I know now I could’ve done all this stuff on my own. Unfortunately I’m not a doctor and that’s why I was going to doctors because I thought they would know what to do. ￼￼And now, there’s nothing more they can do for me. Oh wait, I forgot, they can contact hospice for me… ￼
Oh oh oh… I tried telling him about the Physical Therapy fuck up and the visits or lack there of, and he just blew it off.￼￼￼ I mean he was really busy looking at papers on his desk and handing things to the nurse. ￼I must’ve interrupted him with my FaceTime appointment.￼
So to sum it the fuck up￼, ￼basically because I have severe pain and am unable to get out of my bed, I should just throw in the towel.
Game on bitch!
Have courage and be kind
… I just read this again and I should probably just burn it down because the pain is terrible and the pain is just so intense right now I shouldn’t be blogging about anything. But I’m gonna leave it I just felt the need to say sorry. I’m a little lost and so angry.￼ I seriously can never catch a break.
And like I always say;
I am in a mood and somehow I can’t find my way out of said mood.￼ Still awaiting Physical Therapy to be covered by my insurance company. Is it any wonder that I’ve heard nothing from Independence Blue Cross? I barely ￼reimbursed half of the money back from the transport company they told me to use. At this point they are denying me the ambulance trips with AMR and the hospital visit. I’m getting bills from that amazing time￼ that I’m going to collections for it. 😳 Sorry but you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip… or some shit like that.￼￼￼￼ I guess they don’t feel suicide is an emergency. I’m sorry, attempted suicide.
Months would’ve been easy, my waiting is moving on into my seventh year. That light at the end of the tunnel that was starting to come into view, is now flickering.￼￼ I truly believe I have to keep fighting but I also understand that things may never change. I have to learn to be able to wrap my head around how my life may have to be. I’m not giving in, but I do have to be a little more realistic. ￼I’m tired. My mind is tired. My body is tired. My soul is tired. ￼￼￼
Have courage and be kind.￼￼
PT has stalled. Someone was diagnosed with Covid where he works. In the scheme of things I’m lucky, I don’t have Covid. I just hope it doesn’t put me back too far when he can come back. I also hope The person diagnosed with Covid makes a full and speedy recovery and that nobody else tests positive.￼￼￼
I can’t say that I’m not worried…
Have courage and be kind.￼￼￼
Lately when my alarm goes off in the morning I’ve just been lying in my bed for a good hour or more debating… do I actually open my eyes and wake up or do I go back to sleep?! My days run into each other and as of late I’ve been a day off. I’m still waiting for the Physical Therapy to get back with my insurance. I’m very thankful that my mom is paying for private sessions￼ while I wait, but she should not have to do that. Independence Blue Cross is yet again sitting on their thumb and twirling.￼￼￼ I’m jumping through their hoops and doing in-home physical therapy. The pain is horrifying. Unfortunately I don’t have the medications I would get if I were in an actual rehab facility. I just keep gritting my teeth and going for it. We should not have to deal with this crap when we pay good money for actual healthcare insurance. Our country has gone to hell in a handbasket over the last 3.5 years. I’ve never in my life had this much trouble with insurance. I feel like I’m in limbo.
Although I will say that in a way it’s good that I am stuck in my room in my bed right now. We have so many idiot privileged Americans that think they don’t have to wear a mask. Look asshole, you MUST wear a fucking mask. And please don’t tell me you have a medical condition that makes it impossible for you to wear a mask. If that is true, you should keep your sick ass at home during a pandemic. I know brains are in short supply right now with everyone that follows the idiot in chief. And now we have another shit show starting with Kanye West thinking he’s going to run for president. I really hope everyone realizes this is just a ploy, most likely between him and the orange Cheeto to take away votes. But, the orange guy only got in because of the electoral college. He did not win the popular vote! So just like the south losing the war, he lost the popular vote. ￼￼￼
You ignorant people are the reason countries are banning Americans right now. Our country is the laughingstock of the world. And please don’t call yourself a patriot and say you love your country! If you can’t wear a mask to protect others in your wonderful country, then you’re nothing but a piece of shit! I’m sure it’s quite obvious that I despise the idiot in the White House. Not because he’s a Republican but because he’s a vile disgusting human being. ￼￼If you can’t wear a mask to help your country you are no patriot!
I know my blog is going all over the place today because that’s where my head is. I’m numb right now and I’m not sure why. I am deeply saddened by everything happening in our world right now. My heart breaks with all of the hatred from certain groups of people RACISTS that are being caught on video all over the place. ￼￼￼Again I’m probably better off being trapped in my bed because if I were anywhere near these racist “Karen” bitches, they would be laid out on the concrete. I have no time for those disgusting people.￼
And please don’t come at me with all lives matter. No shit Sherlock we know that. But right now in our country black lives are in jeopardy. And quite frankly all lives don’t matter until Black Lives Matter! I will no longer sit by as a white woman and be complacent about this issue. I have friends that are hurting and I will stand next to them and fight with them! ✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿
Unfortunately those people running around saying all lives matter really only care about life in the womb. The minute it comes out, you don’t care anymore. I won’t debate anyone on this because it’s right out there for you to see. People are out celebrating the Fourth of July while children are sitting in cages in the United States of America. For those people that think that’s acceptable, you’re a piece of shit. (we seem to have a lot of shit in our country right now don’t we) ￼Plain and simple! ￼￼￼I know I know you’re gonna blame their parents. I’m sorry if I lived in a shitty country I would do anything I could to get my children to a better place. If you are a parent who wouldn’t do that, I feel sorry for your children. Well shit, right now I do live in a shitty country. That’s a thought to ponder. ￼￼￼
Let’s see, have I missed anything or anyone?! I think I’m good to go right now. I swear lately I have eye rolled myself into oblivion￼ with all the ignorance that I’m seeing.￼ 🙄 I am sorry, but it’s no longer that we have a difference in opinion, we have a difference in morality!￼￼
As always, have courage and be kind! 🖤￼
While I await more rehab through my insurance, I am having a private Physical Therapy. It really sucks when you have to pay for some thing out of your pocket to keep it going when you pay thousands to have healthcare insurance. I’m hoping this will be taken care of within the next couple weeks and my insurance will pick it back up. I knew I could not stop for the little bits that I’ve gained would be lost. I’m very thankful to my stepmom or as I call her, mom, for taking care of private sessions for me.
I really believe that I will be able to get back into my Hoyer lift and into my chair within the month of July. I’m realizing there are some medical issues I will have to get taken care of as well. Both of my knees have frontal torn meniscus’s. This causes some serious pain when bending my knees. But we are taking it slowly and the pain is lessening. I should’ve had these problems fixed years ago, but they would not fix the issue that caused the problems. My doctor told me insurance would not cover it because of my illness and the fact that I spent a lot of time in a wheelchair. So basically every couple years I would just have to get these surgeries to put a Band-Aid on the issue. I had already had one surgery to fix the issue and now I was going to need another one… ￼That’s another story for another blog.
￼My body lets my physical therapist know when it’s had enough. My leg will literally stop any movement. If that makes any sense at all. It truly is amazing how the human body works to protects itself. I am learning the saying, move it or lose it, is so very true.￼￼￼￼ I’m doing everything I can on my own to move my legs as much as I can, and my husband is also trying to help as much as possible. He has his own back issues and it causes him a lot of pain helping me. So it’s a lot of moaning and groaning going on as he moves me around. Old people problems. 😜￼￼￼
Patience is something that I have to work on. It really isn’t one of my virtues. I am learning and I know that it took 6 1/2 years to get to this place so it’s not going to be fixed overnight. This time I will not give up. This time I will not give in. This time I will fight for my life!
Have courage and be kind. ￼￼￼
I had my FaceTime neurologist appointment and PT yesterday. Both went well. But… I am paying for the PT today. 😳
I so hope this is true for me. We actually got my right leg into a 90° angle. That was crazy. My left side, not so much.￼ Today Roger (hubby) rolled blankets to keep my knees and legs a little more normal. It hurts quite a bit, but no pain no gain! ￼Thank the universe for cannabis. 😏
Stretching everything is going to be a painful process, but the outcome will be phenomenal! Now here is the shitty part… No more visits per Independence Blue Cross. 🙄 I have to call Monday and get the pain management doctor to call in more visits. WTF!!! My concern is all the work we have accomplished last week ￼will fade away waiting for Insurance to allow me more visits. I really don’t understand how they have the right to run my healthcare. It’s mind boggling.￼￼ The worst part is that it will start all over. What that means is, I will have to have an admission visit again, then an evaluation visit again, and then the PT visits start. What a fucking racket. All the while people like me are screwed. I just keep telling myself to keep breathing. This will work out, we will find a way.￼￼￼ Sadly this just proves to me why people do give up. We have to jump through so many hoops, it weakens our soul.
^^^ I say this, I just wish I could truly believe it.￼￼
Have courage and be kind. ￼
I had my first in-home physical therapy appointment today. I’m almost afraid to be as happy as I am about it. Muscles were moved today that haven’t been moved for 6+ years.￼ My right leg knee hip ankle, yeah the whole thing 😜 after a few minutes, didn’t hurt as badly.￼ The left leg, on the pain scale a 10. He was almost afraid that my hip was out of the socket. Thankfully it’s not. I realized how the body protects itself today when at a certain point my leg went tight. It basically said, no more! ￼￼Some of the problem is the knee. I have a frontal torn meniscus and wow! ￼￼ It’s something that was never￼ taken care of because it was the second time it happened. That’s a whole other story. A good thing is he is going to let them know what I need for my legs. Starting with a knee brace for my left knee. He was so helpful and even did the breathing with me. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but a couple times I thought my leg was going to snap.
He will be coming back Friday. The problem I may run into is, of course, Independence Blue Cross. At this point I have four visits. Technically the first nurse visit to fill out the paperwork, and the PT visit just to assess my situation, along with the last visit when they sign you out of rehab whatever, and the visit today, that’s already four visits. ￼￼￼😳 Now that he knows the range of motion and what it’s going to take to help me￼, I should get more visits. I think I’m going to have to send an email to Jason at Independence Blue Cross. * I know there are many run-on sentences. I’m a little medicated as the pain right now is pretty high. Kind of like me. 😏
After PT I actually felt positive. That is kind of a strange feeling for me. I am going to go with it and see where it takes me.￼￼￼ I just hope that Independence Blue Cross will allow me enough visits. I am definitely going to need a month or two since it’s only a couple times a week.￼ If we can get everything stretched out then I’ll be able to get back in my wheelchair￼. Right now, that’s really all I’m pushing for. Once that happens, I can possibly get Physical Therapy to help me be able to transfer on my own. ￼￼￼￼￼It could happen…
Have courage and be kind.￼￼￼￼
Today’s fun is trying to get my ankles used to wearing my Forrest Gump shoes again. 😂 It’s been a while and I think my legs are going to be pissed off at me tonight. 🤷🏻♀️
Tomorrow we will be trying to get me in the chair again. My lower back is still hurting really bad so we didn’t want to push it today.￼
And now I’ve had these on now for 2 1/2 hours and I think that’s long enough for today. ￼￼￼
Baby steps… 🖤￼
Have courage and be kind.￼