Hope · Music · Ramblings · Strength

How about a little Marvin Gaye!

#WhatsGoingOn #MercyMercyMe #MarvinGaye  #BlackLivesMatter  #Unity✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿

Have courage and be kind.

Family · Health · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

I am so proud of you!

It’s been two weeks and one day since my suicide attempt. I’m still on that high but I have had a couple of lows. My husband helped talk me through them and I’m utilizing my tribe. I have the suicide hotline phone number ready to go on my phone, and Alexa will call them for me as well. People think it’s easy to just, get over things. For some it is, but for some of us it’s not. All we can do is live day by day. I am actually living minute by minute right now. I have been known to self deprecate and that is something I’m trying to stop. I am an awesome person, a great mom and wife, and a fierce friend. I am very proud of myself right now for holding it together when I’m ready to fall apart. I am really hoping for better days. I am hoping to get out of this bed at some point. I just have to let go of my past and who I was and learn to love the person I’m becoming. It’s a process and a pretty hard road, but I’m going to keep going forward.



Have courage and be kind.

Health · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

ComPsych – Making the Call

I may have found someone to talk to. I’m awaiting a phone call. Now my husband’s company, Comcast, wants us to go through ComPsych for our mental health needs. Anything has to be better than going through independence Blue Cross directly. I don’t mean to be so blunt, but IBX really is waiting for me to die. 😳 I know, drama queen right?! What other reason could there be for them fighting life-saving rehab for me. Oh wait a minute, money! It’s just very sad to me that money is more important than human life. Again, and I know I’ve said it before, if they had allowed me another month in rehab, I wouldn’t be needing rehab anymore. unfortunately, giving people bonuses at the end of the year was more important than my life.

Enough of them, things will be coming into place soon. 😏 Now, I am going to get some help. I was very proud of myself for actually making the call today. I’ve been looking at the paper they gave me at the hospital for mental health help. It was a complete and utter joke. Bottom line is my insurance won’t cover anything they gave me. I actually think this ComPsych, which is through insurance I think in a roundabout way, is going to be a good thing for me. Honestly it’s a good thing for anybody to have someone to talk to that’s completely impartial. I really hope this will be another positive and a new turning point for me.

Have courage and be kind.

Happiness · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

Mommy pay attention to me!

My appointment with my pain management doctor went well yesterday. We are looking into at home rehab, when the world isn’t so crazy. I decided that I will talk about a baclofen pump. I really did not want anything else embedded into my body, but if it helps me get through my leg spasticity and helps with pain, I’ll do it. I was just concerned because I already have a PowerPort, my colostomy, and of course my urostomy, on my and in my person. I have to do what helps. We are going to work very hard on getting my legs used to sitting in my wheelchair. The swelling is awful when I sit for too long. I am finding that as long as I have my Forrest Gump shoes on it is not as bad. I will have to invest in some good compression socks. With my husband home for a while, thanks to COVID-19, we’ve been trying to move my legs more and more every day. It will be a process because I have been stuck in this bed for six years.

I have my neurologist appointment today at 1:45 PM. That was very cool of them to get me in right away since yesterday they had to cancel. Thankfully their computers are back up and working! I have my list of questions that will be open and ready when the call comes through. Wish me luck! 

I contacted JS at Independence Blue Cross today regarding my transport to and from my doctors as I received another explanation of benefits saying it was denied etc. It seems he is taking care of this and I will wait before sending my appeal in. if you’re reading this JS, thank you! 

This is my baby girl who never leaves my side. She is wondering why I’m not paying any attention to her today. But I’ve had some things to do this morning. 😁 I know that once she gets her c-o-o-k-i-e she will be very happy. I have to spell it out or she would’ve known exactly what I was saying. 

Now I have some time to surf around the Internet before my appointment. I can’t believe I have gotten everything done before noon. I even ate breakfast and had my coffee. I did have a little bit of a low last night. A big shout out to my husband for talking me down. I love you more than my luggage! I hope everyone is having their best day possible. If not remember it’s just a bad day, not a bad life.

Have courage and be kind.

Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings

Go To Meeting Doctors Appointment Today!

I am ready for my appointment Mr. DeMille… I mean Dr. Nasser! 😂 I feel really good right now. My neurologist did have to cancel our FaceTime appointment today due to their computers are down. Hopefully I will get another one this week once their computers come back up. At 1 PM I have my pain management doctor appointment. And now that I know this can be done via telephone, Independence Blue Cross will be paying for me to see my doctors this way. At least until I get out of my bed! 😏 YES, they will! And yes, here’s another picture of me! LOL Feeling good today! 

Have courage and be kind!

Family · Health · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

Suicide – It’s Time We Talk (part 3)

Periodically, I will keep discussing suicide. We need to let people know that it’s OK to talk about. We need to let people know they can contact us if they need help. I’m hanging on to life with both hands try not to fall off. It’s scary and my time is all screwed up right now. I keep thinking it was a week ago Wednesday when in reality it was just last week. I’m also having some wickedly violent dreams. I will be discussing something to help me sleep with my neurologist on our call tomorrow. I did get 6 1/2 hours of good sleep last night and then fell back to sleep for three hours. For me that is some pretty good sleep.

I recognize the high I am on right now. I went through this high in 2018 when I called for help and they got me into rehab. The problem was I didn’t recognize the low that slowly crept in. I will be researching some online and over the phone mental health clinics. I am going to pace myself so I do not burn out. I know this won’t be an easy road, but it’s one I have to stay on.

This is my suicide aftermath. Things are all catty wonky right now. I guess that’s to be expected.

Have courage and be kind.

Happiness · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

She sleeps…

Just like, he sleeps, in Pretty Woman.

I have suffered from every type of insomnia at some point. I don’t think I have slept more than three hours in over 23 years. Since my “situation” this past week I’ve been on a high. I knew that was gonna happen and thankfully I’m recognizing it very quickly. Last night my husband and I watched, The Wrong Missy, on Netflix. It was awesome. At around 11:30 PM I tried to go to sleep and nothing happened. Then it was 1 AM and I started going on a low feeling like, oh my gosh is anything going to change. The next thing I know it is 9:50 AM. I can’t believe I got over eight hours of sleep. I feel amazing and I’m very afraid of that. I haven’t been happy in so many years that this feeling is very scary. This time, thankfully, if I do hit that low I will reach out to my amazing tribe. I am finally seeing that I’m not alone. 🖤 I wish I had noticed that before.

I love Snapchat filters. I rarely post my photo on my blog so here I am. 😜

Have courage and be kind.