Hope · Ramblings · RANDOM · Strength

Friday Feelings

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Have courage and be kind

Anger · Darkness · Fear · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · sadness · Sleep · Strength

Depression and Fear are Paralyzing

The past few days have been hard. The stress from the denials and all of the subsequent appeals and the denial for the ER and then the reprocessing of that claim… It has been hell. My last MRI showed that my PPMS was not active. That MRI was about or year to a year and a half ago. I don’t even remember because my mind right now is scrambled. Yes, I could look it up, but quite frankly I’m not going to because I’m fucking tired. I get it, I’m in bed 24/7 so how can I be tired, right? My body doesn’t even understand awake and rest anymore. It’s not sure if it’s supposed to be up or down. I’m never comfortable anymore. There’s always pain. I’m not a neurologist and I haven’t had a recent MRI, but I know that my PPMS is active again. I believe it’s been happening over the past couple weeks or so. I have no energy at all. It’s hard to lift my head at times. I am so scared that I’m not sure what to do anymore. So I find these motivational quotes on an app that I thought might help me.I have courage, I haven’t given up on myself, so when am I going to be cut a break. These motivational quotes don’t work for everyone. I know, I know, if I look really hard it can work for me. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sorry if I’m not miss optimistic right now. Most likely it is BECAUSE of my recent conversation with Independence Blue Cross. 

It seems that I am also going to have to fight, a.k.a. jump through hoops to be able to get to my doctors appointments. I haven’t been able to get out of my bed for so long (OK we did finally get me up for a shower last Saturday. But, it’s NOT gonna happen again because I can’t go through that pain again) I haven’t been to my doctors since before August 18, 2019. (my wonderful ER visit) So the gentleman from Independence Blue Cross found me a couple of non-emergent transports that they will cover in network that can possibly take me to my appointments. All I have to do is call these places to see which one will do it, ie; take me pick me up blah blah blah. Then I need to find out when they’re available, an appointment for my doctor, not in that order, and then… Look on the back of my insurance card call the number to make sure I can get pre-certified for this non-emergent transport. Are you fucking kidding me! I guess this happens to a lot of people if they actually made a meme for it. He also gave me the names of in-home physical therapy companies that I can call and see if they might be able to help me. Once I find a company that I feel comfortable with, I need to get to my doctor to have my doctor send in the paperwork to hopefully get in-home PT. 😳 I don’t think that the people realize at Independence Blue Cross the amount of pain it causes me to have my legs moved in to their proper position. It’s not like I haven’t explained it to everyone, it’s because they don’t give a shit. They don’t seem to understand that with these type of muscle contractures that I have, it needs acute inpatient rehab so you are monitored with the proper pain medications. but as we know it’s all about the money. And because their rent-a-docs feel inpatient is not medically necessary for me, I get to go through excruciating amounts of pain with in home PT. 🤬

But, I am going to play their stupid silly little games. I am going to jump through their stupid silly little hoops. What they don’t understand, or maybe they do, is I’m not going to be quiet about any of it. This happens to too many people too often. For fucks sake’s they’re running my husband’s medical care as well. But, I digress, that’s a whole other blog that I will get into very soon. 😏

So this is where I’m at right now. I haven’t been sleeping because I cry so often I can’t breathe as my whole head gets stuffed up. And quite frankly, if my PPMS is active again, it’s on Independence Blue Cross for not letting me get the health care that my doctors are trying to get for me that I need!!! Yes I completely know that I have a bunch of run on sentences, so sue me. I have never once claimed to be a writer. That’s my baby sister.

I’m sorry if it’s getting monotonous regarding my health care insurance, but I am that squeaky wheel and I cannot be quiet anymore. As always, have courage and be kind.

Health · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

Be the squeaky wheel!

This is true on all kinds of levels. But, when it comes to your healthcare, it should NOT be this way!

An update to my healthcare insurance fiasco: it’s all been approved for my ER visit. Now I know this should make me really happy, and it does. The only problem I have with all of this, is that it took so much of my spirit and caused so much stress for something that was, an ‘error’. my question, is what if I hadn’t appealed or been so loud about it? That ‘error’ would’ve cost me over $20,000. Unfortunately I know there are people out there that don’t know their rights. There are people out there that don’t know how to appeal. There are people out there that don’t have an army of amazing friends that will retweet and help. We need healthcare reform on different levels. We need better advocacy for people to be able to fight. We need better healthcare insurance so that companies don’t have these, ‘errors’!

So yes, I’m very happy this all got taken care of, but it should not have happened in the first place. I am very thankful for the representative I spoke with that helped me, but it should not have happened in the first place.My advice to people who get these outrageous medical bills where your insurance company is denying you. Don’t stop fighting! Scream About it to everyone as loud as you can! Look for the right type of attorneys if you need to. And in all my fun dealings with this I gained a little knowledge. An Erisa Attorney is where you want to start your search. Take it to the Internet, take it to the newspapers, the news stations, anywhere you feel you could be heard!  

We need to be heard when we are denied healthcare. We need to stop letting the health insurance companies run our medical care and act like they are our doctors. They are NOT!! I am not going to give up or stop being heard. We are all human beings and we all deserve healthcare regardless of our income, our gender, our race. 

Be loud, be heard. Have courage and be kind.

Darkness · FUCK · Health · HELL · Hope · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM

Bravery…

I downloaded a couple of apps for motivational quotes etc. This one popped up today and it instantly sent streams of water down my cheeks. I am brave. I go to bed at night knowing that tomorrow nothing is going to have changed for me. That’s not being pessimistic, it’s being realistic. I go to bed at night, many times, asking whatever entity is out there to please take me home… Wherever that may be. I go to bed at night knowing that there really is nothing of quality there for me when I wake up. And to me, that is bravery. The picture above is one of my most favorites. I never before thought of myself as being brave. I never before thought of myself as being strong. I have always second-guessed everything I have ever done throughout my life. I have never felt good enough for anything or anyone. My only New Year’s resolution (which is pretty new to me as I never make them because I never follow them 😂) is to be unapologetically me. I am no longer going to hide away my feelings of my past, my present, or what my future may hold.

This is definitely going to be a new ride for my blog, a new adventure if you will. I’m scared every night before I go to bed. I’m always scared…

As always, have courage and be kind! 

Ramblings

Completely and utterly unsure

I’m not sure I like the person I was before I got sick anyways. I don’t think I’ve ever really liked myself. I just hope part of me can still be found. I see all of the motivational quotes and things where they talk about being brave not bitter blah blah blah  I guarantee you the people who make up those quotes are not chronically ill. 😂 Just like the people who say money can’t buy you happiness probably have money.  I don’t even know why am blogging right this minute. I saw the quote in the image that I posted and ended up here.

And now trailing off to something completely different, I think there’s a fracture in my right hip. The more I try to move the more things that break. So really you tell me what the point is…

Have courage and be kind