Archive for the ‘Quotes’ Category

I had entered the hospital on February 16 and by now, with my best recollection, it is February 22. I had agreed to go to the rehabilitation Center at Palmdale regional. Or at least that’s what I thought. Again, I was heavily medicated with morphine and being in the hospital I wasn’t sleeping the best. I was just about to fall asleep when two very, umm, loud women came in my room.

Hurting my ears

The one woman mentioned that she was from a rehabilitation center in San Bernardino which was an hour plus away from my home. She and the other woman, the hospital case manager, both explained how ‘their’ rehab center had been in business for 22 years (maybe 24) and they were the best. Now in my morphine haze, I thought they were actually talking about Dr. Nasser’s rehab center. If I had been in my right mind I would’ve realized that his (Dr. Nasser’s) center was not an hour plus away from my home. But these women were so forceful in their ‘sales pitch’, that I just sat there nodding my head saying yes. Somehow they had heard about my interest in going to a rehab center, and ended up in my room pushing their place on me. I was a little taken aback because the case manager from the hospital was with this person. In my mind, this was a conflict of interest. [ya think] I felt as if these women were tag teaming me. ๐Ÿ˜‚ I don’t remember much more except, I think, I agreed to go to their place. When they left I was very anxious and in tears.

As I was falling asleep, a man entered the room. Instantly I felt calm. He was good looking, he was dressed nicely, had very nicely trimmed and well-kept beard going on, and he was Zen like. He told me his name was Scott and that he was from the rehab center at Palmdale. So now my mind was going in all different directions. I explained about the two women that had shown up in my room and how they told me theirs was the best rehab center around. He smiled and told me that they are a well-established rehabilitation center. He explained that the rehab center at Palmdale was fairly new, only a tad over one-year-old. I knew immediately I was going to go with Palmdale. Not just because it was only five minutes from my home, but because this guy made me feel calm. His voice was even, he had a pleasant laugh, and he was not throwing me a sales pitch. I know I was high on the morphine, but he also made me feel high just talking to him. I told him my mind was made up and that I wanted to go to ‘his’ place. We talked a few more minutes and then he left. I was so calm by then I just remember falling asleep for a good four hours.

When I woke up, that evil little voice inside my head was making me very nervous. Telling me I wasn’t strong enough, that the pain would be too much, that I can’t forget I have primary progressive MS. As usual, I started to weep. And yes, ugly cry. And yes, snot running down my face. But then, as if a fire was lit inside of me, I dried my eyes wiped my nose and said to myself, “I CAN do this! I know it will be hard, but I know I have the strength and the courage to do it. My life and my families lives depend on this. I’ve got this!”

The next step…Life!

Love and Light

Things I can’t do anymore:

dress by myself, get out of bed, go to the tinkletorium, drive, walk [duh], sleep on my side, lift myself up, use the stove/oven, go out in the sun, put on shoes, garden, laundry, vacuum, travel, cook, hold my bladder ๐Ÿ˜‰

Things I can do:

sleep on my back [boring], watch endless amounts of tv/dvds/netflix, use the computer, manage our money, sleep [I’m the pro], love, hope

I know I’m in a state of limbo right now. Not sure what to do or how to do it. Knowing is the first step. Coming out of it is the hardest step. I’ll get there…

Love and Light

“Knowing you’re falling is the first step to getting back up” ย – T Radford

fuckoff

Sorry, you know it’s funny! And I said please. ๐Ÿ˜›

Was hoping today would be better. The legs are better, no swelling. Sadly woke up this morning and had nothing. Couldn’t hardly move a muscle. Took me some time, but finally got my tush transferred to my chair. Now, I’m a skeered to try and transfer back to my bed. Falling is always a fear. I’ll eventually muster up the strength to get back in to my bed. I’ll never quit trying, mainly due the fact this chair is hurting my ass. ๐Ÿ˜› ย Wish me luck!

hehe

Fuuuuuck, I’m so bored!!!

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite Quotes;

When the World says, “Give up.” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time!” – anonymous

I will always keep trying! Peace out! xx, Tracy

Grrrrr, another day in bed. I was getting a couple of things ready to ship out and bam, leg pain. The swelling has gone down considerably, now the pain. So, do I work through the pain and chance the swelling coming back… or do I get my MS ass back in bed. YUP back in bed, legs elevated! Bleck!!!

I guess I should be grateful that the MS allowed me a full week of creating and being out of bed. But, I’m not. That week is now causing me to be down and out. Kind of uncool!! There it is, MS is UNCOOL!! ๐Ÿ˜›

It took me almost 4 minutes just to get off the potty. Keep falling back while trying to pull up my pants. At least I didn’t pee-diddle myself! That’s a plus!

Now, I will try and find a good movie, get all the doggies in place on my/their bed, take some Norco and chillax…

Oh Happy happy joy joy!!

Y’all have a great one, if you need me I’m as close as my bed!!

Now, go buy my jewelry!!! lolol

And remember…

rofl, this be me!

ย Peace out!! xx,Tracy

I try hard to find the humor in having MS, but honestly…NOT funny! For me, the only way to cope is to find the humor. It’s getting harder daily.

To be ‘upbeat’ about it, I do have blessings in my life. I have a hubby who stands by me, 3 fabulous teenagers [yes fabulous and teenagers in the same breath], a roof over my head, food, and the list goes on. Roger [hubby] has spoiled me: mini fridge in my room, microwave, 40″ flat screen, hospital table, MAC, iPad, iPhone, etc. My parents purchased me an awesome king size adjustable bed. So on the outside it may seem ‘all good’. Yes, what a life. I can spend my time cozy in my bed, watching my Crossing Jordan on Netflix, dozing, cuddling up with my 3 dogs, play on my MAC. Joyous, right!

But on the inside emptiness prevails. I’m alone most of the day, no way to just get up and go, have a life…a quality life. I can no longer make my jewelry as my hands drop things all the time. The stress and sadness that causes is unbearable. Yet another thing my MS has taken away from me. Sometimes I think I must have been a real bitch in a previous life! Most people would laugh and say, “In a previous life?!!” ๐Ÿ˜›

So how do I cope? Never said I do, I just keep on breathing. I’ll never cope too much has been taken from me. Being primary progressive is a slow drawn out death. When dx’ed in 1997 [finally] I have gone from a cane, AFO’s, walker, manual wc, to a power wc. The fatigue is paralyzing. And fatigue and being tired are two separate issues. Being tired, I can sleep. Being fatigued, I just lie there, empty and alone.

please no more

I’m feeling all of this right now as new issues happening yet again. I’ve tried many different meds. All of which did not help or caused other problems. Now, the Tysabri, may have to be stopped due to a rise in my liver counts. We will find out next month. Two blood test have shown a rise, if the third does, yet again, another med bites the dust. After awhile you feel like ‘why the fuck should I keep trying!’ With every new issue it feels like another part of you has died. The mourning period starts.

I know, I know, “Poor me, pour me a drink!” I wish a pity party was that simple. And trust me, the last I want or need is anyones pity!! That just pisses me off. This blogging thing is to help me get it out and down in to words. Trust me, I know I’m no writer, but it’s my blog and I can blog if I want to! HA!!! I’ve not been blogging much as my hands will not cooperate. I have Dragon Naturally speaking and am trying to figure it out. lol My problem is it won’t allow the work fuck!! You know that doesn’t work for me! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Figured I’d blog to let my readers know I’m still alive and hmmm not kicking… you get the idea.

One last lil’ diddy… ‘Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.’

Off to watch more Crossing Jordan! [love me some Nigel]

Peace out peeps and peepettes!

Peace!!