Posts Tagged ‘sadness’

Taking a small break from my journey to pay tribute to the woman, who I know, helped to save my life.

Madame Carolyn B. Baker March 2, 1948 ~ January 30, 2018

Her love, Splash, that she got for the love of her life, her God-daughter Barbara.

We ‘met’ July of 2012. Both of us were/are big on animal rescue. I was commenting on a post regarding some asshole rescue. I noticed two disgusting humans attacking Carolyn in the post. Carolyn was holding her own, [she was and will always be fierce] but I could not pass by without defending a woman I did not know…yet. I went in and began to rip these two asshats apart for their disgusting name calling and attack on Carolyn. Needless to say, we became instant friends. We messaged each other and soon would be talking on the phone. We saved many babies that ended up in the pound by cross-posting and annoying the shit out of people. LMAO

Her love, her God-daughter ❤

Carolyn was someone who loved the Lord and was not afraid to share her love. I had lost my faith and she knew this and never made me feel bad about it. She would always let me know it was okay, but she would still pray for me every day. She said a prayer for me over the phone one day, and I felt chills all over my person. People pray for me on the daily, and I appreciate it, buy I never felt a presence like I did that day.

From her page. Something she always said. ❤

I knew she was an amazing soul, I just never knew she was also the most humble soul I would ever meet. She never talked about her past. One day while on the phone, I asked her about a picture I saw of Ray Charles and her. She laughed a lil’ [how I loved her laugh] and said, “Yes, I knew him!” laughing Knew him… she not only knew him, she produced records for him. She was a Warner Bros. Record Executive. She was an Associate Producer and Talent Agent for the ‘Dinah Shore’ show. This is just a small part, and I mean small part, I nicked from her page:

CBBaker
TALENT EXEC · April 1971 to June 1977
Talent Exec:/Producer
Grammy’s,
Motown Returns to the Apollo,
Showtime at The Apollo,
Dinah,
Dick Clark Productions,
etc.
etc
MTV
Founding Principal · June 1979 to March 1982 · New York, New York
development and launch of channel
Developed Talent and Acquisitions Dept; set up acquisition deals with major labels and other content providers.
Carolyn B. Baker llc
Chief executive officer · 1981 to 1988
1977 to 1978
TALENT EXEC, Marketing Kool and Gang , Grammy, Emmy (music), Smokey Robinson show, Motown Returns to the Apollo (85)

I could brag about this brilliant beautiful woman for days. She deserved so many kudos in life. If I had not asked, she never would have said anything. Like I said, HUMBLE, truly humble. There are parts of her story that will remain with me. Just know that she was STRONG, A WARRIOR, and A GODDESS!!

I bet she burst out laughing after this shot!

carolyn

A few years ago her trusty Mac died on her. Times were tough at that moment, so I gave her my old MacBook Pro. My husband took it to work with him at NBC/UNI. She didn’t want us to have to take it to her, especially in the shape I was in at the time. Typical Carolyn. She needed no directions as that girl had been there before. 😉 She pulled up in her Vintage Benz, got out, went to my hubby, and hugged him hard. She stepped back, looked at him, and hugged him hard again. She told him, “Take care of my girl!” Now, for the kicker… I was so jealous that my husband got to hold her and see her, because I never had. ☺ We made plans for the six years we knew each other, but health issues and life always got in the way. Yet, I loved her like she was family, and she loved me back. In her last couple weeks on this Earth, she fought hard. She called me during that time and said, “God is good, I’m getting better. We are going to get together young lady!” Then, just like that, she was gone.

I will never be able to do her life justice. I know she is the reason I’m alive today. I know she was in my room when I came to my crossroads. I know she was with me on the day of her service, that I watched via live stream in the rehabilitation center. I felt her presence then and I feel it now. She was bold in life and she is bold in Heaven!!

I miss her laugh, I miss her voice, and I will miss her forever.

My Angel in Heaven

She once told me, “Girl, things always happen for a reason. We found each other, didn’t we?” Followed by her beautiful, infectious laugh.

Have courage and be kind.

All about Dr. Hottie! His name is Dr. Thomas Nasser, DO. This part is about how he helped me start my new journey.

By now I had seen Dr. Muscles and awesome Dr. Pretty. [the psychiatrist] I truly need to find out their real names. All of a sudden the curtain opened and this very attractive man walked in my room. He introduced himself as Dr. Nasser. I looked at him and apologized because I told him they they sent me the wrong Dr. Nasser. You see his wife, Dr. Susan Nasser, is my primary care doctor. He laughed a little and said,” you must mean my wife.” All I could think of was they must be the power couple in the valley here. He explained that he was a pain management specialist and that he ran the Rehabilitation Renter at Palmdale Regional Medical Center. He had been told of my plight by Dr. Muscles. He wanted to ask me if I wanted to go to his rehab to get help. Again, for those of you that know me when I know something, I’m always right. I explained that I have primary progressive MS and there really isn’t anything he could do for me. Again, he just smiled and basically he told me, well then there’s nothing to lose right?

In this moment I had so many things going through my head. I was drugged up on morphine, and everything was still hazy about what had happened the day before. Hell this might’ve been the same day I truly can’t remember. All I  could think about was being told for so many years there wasn’t much I could do once the progression started. The new medication, for the progressive forms of MS [Ocrevus], I could not go on. Something about being too disabled. I will talk about that another time. All the while he just stood there waiting for my response.

I looked at him and said. “I don’t think you know what you’re dealing with, but yes, I would love to try it.” I told him that my insurance probably wouldn’t do it, and he told me not to worry about that. When he left the room I was scared. The pain I have on a daily basis is about a 10+. But As my fellow MS’ers know we learn to deal with it. I knew doing this was going to be hell-a painful and hell-a hard. And there was that little asshole voice saying ‘it won’t work.’ And, again, I was scared. No, fuck that, I was PETRIFIED!! Could I deal with the pain? Could it, would it, really work. NO, it won’t work!! Nothing will help!! That damn voice would not shut the fuck up!! Then somehow… from somewhere… a strange feeling overtook me. HOPE!! Real hope. A feeling that I had lost many years ago. You see hope was my mantra. Then, hope became paralyzing. Hope became a word that made me cry. But, at this moment, hope was back. I’m not a great writer, so bare with me as I try to explain the feelings that took over. I see/feel dark and light. Dark and light clouds, if you will. My cloud was pitch-black and gloomy over me. I felt the cloud ‘open’ and light enveloped me. I was shaking and tears were streaming down my face. Fifty-three years of negative forces went flooding past me and a rainbow of positivity swept over me. Maybe, just maybe, this would work. Maybe, just maybe, I could get my life back and save my family.

Now the real journey begins…

Have Courage and Be Kind

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‘Have Courage and Be Kind’ is a beautiful quote from this 2015 version of Cinderella.

I’ve been thinking of a way to approach the week after I hit my crossroads. When the ambulance dropped me off at the Antelope Valley Hospital I wasn’t sure what I was going to do or why I was there. I explained I had a bad infection [captain obvious], but I said nothing about my suicidal thoughts. So they did what they always do, hooked up my power-port, and filled me up with morphine. Then, of course, they started a treatment of antibiotics. I was in and out and of it and was feeling pretty good with the morphine. At some point, and this is where gets hazy, a doctor that I had not yet met, showed up in my room.

And so it begins…

He was completely shaven, bald as a billiard. Tanned skin and quite good looking. It was very obvious the man takes very good care of himself. But, then he pissed me off…for a minute. He proceeded to ask me why I was there. WTF, look at my pee bag dude, it’s dark as fuck. Yes, I said that. He then asked me ‘why I did not go to my doctor since obviously it had been this way for a while’. I just looked at him like, seriously?!! Then he kept asking me over and over again, why was there, why now, why was I there, why now!!! Those who know me, know I do not like to be pressured or put on the spot. So I looked at him like he was fucking crazy and an asshole for asking me that over and over again. Then, he asked me again, ‘WHY ARE YOU HERE!!! I snapped, and 21 years of my MS diagnosis came out like verbal diarrhea, 21 years of frustration came pouring out. I was screaming at that point… ‘Do you want to know why I’m here, do you really want to know!’ I was screaming and crying telling him, “FINE… I wanted to kill myself is that what you want to hear. I was 32 years old with 3 babies under 3 when I was dx’ed. Why did God forsake me?!! Now I’m 53, and my kids have never known me well. Now, I’m paralyzed from the waist down and for the last 4 1/2 years years completely bedridden. Now my arms stopped working. I told my my family when my arms go, I’m going too!! I could hear my daughter asking me if I was going to go now? My family is dying because of this disease because it has taken over my house. My family will be better off without me! I’m a burden and all the doctors did was throw me in bed and drugged me up and ripped open my stomach because nobody wanted to help me. Instead they threw a colostomy and a urostomy bag on me and left me in the bed to die. My husband is dying inside my children are dying inside because nobody gave two shits about us, no doctor wants to really help us! I didn’t go to the doctor because I can no longer afford a caregiver and I had no one to drive me!” As I was screaming I didn’t realize that there were about 20 people in the room and people walking by. I just kept screaming how I was thrown away and nobody cared. It was easier for the doctors to just put me in bed because that’s what primary progressive MS does. You just progress and then you die. I’m sure I looked a sight, as I was ugly crying. I know that snot was running all down my face and most likely in to my mouth. I know, I know…TMI! This guy called me on my shit, no one does that!! And how did he know? How did he see my pain and how did he know I wanted to end my life? How did he know why I was really there?

Then, silence. I was breathing so fast and looking around the room. Some were crying, some just looking at me like they wanted to hug me. Someone handed me a lil’ box of tissues. Then his voice broke the silence. He said, “We’re going to make you happy again.” I looked at him like he was crazy. Didn’t he know, I have primary progressive multiple sclerosis, there is nothing he can do to help me or make me happy again. He smiled and said he’d be back. A few minutes later a woman entered the room. She was the psychiatrist on call. She looked at me and said, “You never sleep, do you?” I looked at her and said, “No.” She looked at my file saw that I was on Effexor and explained she would leave me on that, but she was going to add something else. Something that would, help me sleep and make me happy again. I looked at her like she was crazy too. I didn’t think they understood what they were dealing with. Dr. Muscles [I’m trying to find his real name] came back in the room to see how I was doing after my meltdown. I just looked at him and said, “Thank you.”

The next doctor he sent my way, changed my life!

Part 3 tomorrow. Sorry if my writing is not perfect. I never said I was a writer. LOL

Have Courage and Be Kind

 

 

This cat, Zoe. I rescued her from the pound eight years ago. I knew I wanted to get an older cat and not a kitten. Zoe was two years and old she had been returned twice. ( now I know why ) They handed her to me in my wheelchair and she immediately crawled up under my neck and started purring, she was the one. The second I got her home, and lifted her out of the box, she gave me one look, and ran off towards my daughters room. I pretty much have not seen her since. LOL

 So today she comes in my room and won’t even look at me. I’m calling her name she literally won’t even look at me. She has no idea that all she has to do is be friends with me and she’ll have EVERYTHING! 😊 I’m rattling some crinkle paper to play with her, she won’t even look at me. My husband calls to her she looks right over him, my other daughter comes in she goes right to her. What the fuck is wrong with this cat. LOL all the animals love me for god sake‘s! LOL ( A lot of LOL‘s ) because it’s funny  and I’m funny! 😂

 So, back to the story. After she ignored me for five minutes I looked at my hubby and started sobbing. He looked at me and said that it’s OK, she loves me she  is just hungry and wants one of them to feed her. That’s why she’s ignoring me. But it wasn’t even about the cat. #ItIsNotAboutTheCat We know that. I literally can’t stop crying right now.  It’s not like I even feel sad it’s just, I don’t fucking know what. I’ve been trying to be so positive and up beat and it’s actually killing me. Because I’m not happy!

But everybody wants you to find the good and to always be happy. And, as usual, I’m doing everything  everybody else wants me to do.

 Why can’t we be sad sometimes. Why is it so hard to just let others vent. Sometimes when we lash out or vent what’s hurting us we don’t expect you to come up with an answer. We just want to feel like somebody cares, give us a hug, a kind word. Personally people that are always shiny happy upbeat make me really fucking nervous. You know they’ve  got secrets and stories they’re hiding.  And if you say they don’t, you’re really naïve. But OK, I’ll go back to make everybody else happy. Isn’t that what everybody wants?

Peace ✌️

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 I guess it’s better late than never. 2018… The only change for me will be that I will progress. I’m a realist, I have to be. I still hope every day. Yet, hope can become very paralyzing.  As most people now, I was diagnosed in August 1997. My second opinion specialist said it began in 1986 and that I am primary progressive. In reality I’ve had this my whole life. I was genetically predisposed for it. I can look back and see issues I had from the time I was little and through my teen years into adulthood. It lay dormant for a very long time. I guess when it showed up, it needed to make itself known by literally taking away everything I held/hold dear.

But, seriously, what you gonna do? I literally can’t “do” anything by myself.  I try to keep A happy face because nobody wants to hear the truth. And that’s OK, I probably wouldn’t want to hear it either. So really, what are you gonna do when you end up like this. Basically you just have to take it. I cry so much I could end the drought. 😂  No, seriously, I could. LOL You just have to find the humor.

It’s just that some days there is no humor to be found. It’s been four years and three months now that I have been confined to a bed. I get up for doctors appointments and for showers and that’s about it. The pain is so intense that if I sit for too long… I’m better off in bed.

That’s all I have right now. Happy fucking new year! I’ve just got nothing.

Peace ✌️

 

 

Already dead

Because I’m already dead
You can see it in my eyes
I’m already dead
I can tell no more lies

My body is broken
my pain is so real
I can’t hold on anymore
My body won’t heal

Because i’m already dead
Can’t you see it in my eyes
I’m already dead
there are no more lies

The truth has come out
Please take me home
There’s no more to be done
My soul it is gone

Because I’m already dead
I will never be free
I’m already dead
Someone please help me

Song/Lyrics @ Tracy Radford

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Really, why do we? Why do so many put their thoughts and emotions out the for the world to ‘read’? For me, it breaks the monotony of my daily bed-ridden life. It allows me to bitch, if you will, at the world and not my family. lol I have a story, it may not be much to some, but it’s my life. I hope that in some small way others in my position can find some hope, or at least have a laugh.

Even in my more depressing blogs, I think it helps others to know they are not alone. It’s ok to cry, scream, and lose it… once in a while. 🙂 We don’t always have to ‘hold’ it together and be strong every second. Sometimes a good cry is cleansing for the soul, and I’m talking ugly crying! lol

I also hope to bring awareness to others on how we can fight back against those who try to hurt us. Hospital treatment and the treatment we sometimes have to endure by big companies, i.e.; Insurance Companies, and big Pharma. We have to be tough and find our inner strength so these people do not run over us like we are nothing.

We are the strong. We deal with more in one day than most deal with in their lifetime. We smile through the pain, the losses, and the inhumanity of some. So believe it, we are the true Warriors!!

There are days I want to give up. There was a time, not long ago, I tried… When I awoke I was angry, I wanted to be free. Then I realized, maybe I am here for a reason. If I am able to help even just one person, maybe that’s why I am still here. I’ll be honest, the thoughts linger in my head every day. I fight like hell to never let them ‘almost’ get me again. It has nothing to do with any God or higher power. It’s my will, my power and inner child that keeps me going. We all have the inner child of strength. I truly hope you can find yours and hold on tight.

Love and Light to all