Angels-Among-Us · Animal Adocates · Animal Rescue · Animals · family · hope · joy · love · multiple sclerosis · Pit Bull · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · Shelter Dogs · strength

Furbaby Love

I just thought I would share a little bit of what makes me smile every day. My children with paws 🐾

Clockwise from top left: Soloh, Charlie (girl), Gatsby, Zoe (kitty),  and Dexter Morgan.

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐱

Soloh. She never leaves my side. She actually saved my life. 🧡Pittie-mix the best dog you could ever love.

All rescues, as in my mind, rescue IS the only breed!

This handsome bearded dragon was Stewie.  He is and will always be the only bearded dragon I will ever love. 😉 He was awesome!

Animals are forever! They love you unconditionally and they should always be treated like family. I am against breeding as I believe until they all have a home it should be stopped. There really is no need for designer dogs. So please, adopt, Don’t shop! I know breeding will never stop completely but until we can clear out the shelters and stop the murder of so many healthy beautiful animals we need to rethink breeding for the time being.  And, FYI, you can find many purebreds in the shelters and breed-specific rescue’s. So there really is no reason to go to a breeder.  I will now step down off my soapbox. 😂🤣

Mwahahaha

As always, have courage and be kind!

 

Depression · Fear · hope · HORROR · lonliness · multiple sclerosis · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · sarcasm · strength · stupid_stuff

It really is OK!

I haven’t slept all that well for the past couple of days. Might have something to do with my 1 PM wake up call yesterday and the very strange sleep that went along with it. 🤔 I’m not OK. It’s not that anything is wrong, it’s just that the reality of my life sets in every once in a while and grabs a hold. Small things, like watching a movie and someone rolls over in their bed and cuddles their pillow, causes tears to fall from my eyes. Oh how I wish I could roll over on my own and cuddle my pillow! ☁️ (I know it’s a cloud I couldn’t find a pillow, LOL)

The funk that I’m in is bound to pass soon. I just get so frustrated being trapped 24/7/365. Lately I’ve been very angry at myself for becoming depressed. My new positive outlook is making everyone so happy that I feel like I can’t have a bad day. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I have to remind myself that I am human. I have to remind myself that my situation is pretty fucked up. But, I also have to remind myself that I will get through it. It is kind of funny to my twisted mind that I’m worried about upsetting people if I get upset so I’m trying to say happy so that everybody else is happy so that no one is upset. Wrap your mind around that one. 🤭

As I am sitting here, watching a horror movie trying to write this blog, the theme from the ‘Banana Splits’ show is going through my head.

The banana splits TV theme song:

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

One banana, two banana, three banana, four.
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Comin’ on to bring you The Banana Splits Show.

Makin up a mess of fun
Makin up a mess of fun
Lot’s of fun for everyone.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

Four banana, three banana, two banana, one.
All bananas playing in the bright warm sun.
Flippin like a pancake, poppin like a cork
Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork.

Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la la la.
Tra la la, la la lad la.
Tra la la, la la la la.

And that my friends… Is how my mind works. 😜

Have courage and be kind!

anger · Craziness · Darkness · Depression · dreams · Faith · Fear · hope · joy · lonliness · medical · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · silly · strength · stupid_stuff

One minute at a time…

When my alarm goes off at 9 AM to remind me to take my morning medication, I grab my bed remote sit up a little bit, take my meds. Then, normally I will call to my son to bring me a cup of coffee and try and start my day.  However, for the past week or so my alarm goes off, I will grab my remote to sit up and take my meds, and then I just lie back to go to sleep. I was in that mode of, why does it matter if I wake up right now, the same thing that happened yesterday it’s going to happen today so who cares. When you’re bedridden, one day rolls right into the next. Every night I go to bed I know that the next morning I will be in the same place doing the same things for the whole day.

Then, finally, at around 1 PM I told myself and to pull up my imaginary bootstraps and wake the hell up. It was really hard to do. I literally saw no reason for me to actually awaken. But, I did, and I made it through this day.  Minute by minute is the only thing I can hold onto. Any longer than that and I’m not sure what would happen…

The one thing I do know and I am very sure of… I AM an MS Warrior!

Have courage and be kind!

 

anger · confession · Darkness · Depression · Fear · FUCK · Happiness · health · HELL · hope · HORROR · joy · lonliness · love · multiple sclerosis · nightmares · Pain · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM · sadness · sarcasm · silly · strength

The prison that is my body

To literally and figuratively be trapped in your own body is tantamount to living in a horror movie. Horror movies are my genre and most days I feel like I’m staring in my very own movie. I wonder when I’ll get my star in Hollywood? 😜 That feeling of claustrophobia that feeling of been unable to move is a feeling no person should ever have to endure. Unfortunately many of us have to live this way every day of our lives. The Normies ( people without any type of illness ) go about their day in a bubble. I know, I was there once. While I was always a person to help others, by opening doors for someone in a wheelchair, by reaching things for people who couldn’t, or just to have a kind word for someone, the truth is  I never really saw the person.  I could feel for them and wish I could help them in other ways but I never quite understood just how it was living that way. Now that I am that person that needs help I realize just how much our country needs to wake up and give love instead of hate. I’ve had people push me aside in my manual wheelchair because they needed to get something and they couldn’t reach reach something with me in front of them. It didn’t matter that I was looking at something to purchase, all that mattered was I was in their way. I was a third class citizen that didn’t even need to be asked if I could please move for a second. Trust me that person never did that to anyone else ever again once I was through with them, but what if I had been someone that didn’t have a voice.

That’s the question in my mind every single day. How will I break free, or will I ever be able to. If I’m truly honest with myself I know that I will not get back what I have lost. I’m not saying that in a sad or depressing way, I’m saying it in a medically proven way. If only one doctor had said this to me I probably would’ve laughed at him, but it’s been  several doctors have said this to me. I know they’re not trying to discourage me or hurt me they’re trying to give me reality. They don’t want me to get my hopes up so they’re giving me statistics regarding people with my severity of the disease. With primary progressive multiple sclerosis you constantly progress. There is no remission there is no 10 minute break. 😉 There is no relapse that you will come out of and be OK. You just continue to get worse.  So now I’m trying to resign myself to the fact that my future, at this moment, isn’t very bright. As you noticed, I said at this moment. While I am a realist, I am also a dreamer. So I will continue to do my exercises, I will continue to fight this MonSter.  But I’m scared. Even those with MS will, I pray, never have to be trapped like this. The disease itself is horrific but the thought of spending the rest of my life trapped in this bed is  completely and utterly paralyzing. And I can say, with the upmost truth and honesty… I want to live, not just exist.

Have courage and be kind

anger · confession · dehumanization · Depression · Fear · FUCK · health · health insurance · healthcare · HELL · hope · lonliness · medical · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM · strength · Wheelchair

Fear!

I try to live my life minute by minute because anything else is overwhelming. I know that every living person wonders about their future and what it will bring. Unfortunately when you live with chronic illness that wonder many times turns into fear. Every night I go to bed knowing that when I wake in the morning nothing will be different and it may possibly be worse. 😢 I will still be trapped in this bed, I will still have pain, and I will still have sorrow.  But, I will still wake up and try to get through my day as best as I can.

I am human and I can’t stop thinking about what may happen. Statistically I know exactly what it’s going to happen to me. I have an aggressive form of primary progressive MS and it isn’t going to get better. I have now been bedridden for four years and eight months and it doesn’t look like it’s going to change anytime soon. Unfortunately, for me, rehab aggravated my back fracture that I never knew I had. With that has come so many problems. Whenever my hips are put into the proper aligned position the pain that comes with that seriously makes me not want to move at all or even try to  make it through the day. The pain has been going on for a few months now and it is taking over my life. The pain in my lower back is also  excruciating to the point where I can’t even sit up straight for a period of time without becoming nauseous. We discussed a facet block but I’m not sure even that will help with my lower hip pain. My husband needs a facet block but unfortunately our crappy insurance has denied it. Even though he’s had them before. So now we must fight the appeals process. I cannot do mine until he gets his done, so I think we’re both shit out of luck.

Again, I know everyone’s future is unsure.  Hell the minute we are born we start to die. But most people can look ahead in their future talk about wonderful vacations they may be going on family get together’s etc. I cannot do that because at any given time I may not feel well enough to do anything. Unless they can figure out something with my pain I really have no life to speak of. All my future has in it is this bed in this room surrounded by these four walls. When you’ve been bedridden for as long as I have been you can’t just get up get into a wheelchair and go about your day.

It’s an adventure trying to out to get me dressed, in the Hoyer lift, and then into my wheelchair. After that I’m already down for the count. Just doing that pretty much takes away all my spoons for the day. 🥄🥄.  And the pain comes with doing that is like Michelle Pfeiffer in the movie witches of Eastwick. 😳 It’s hitting me hard today because I had a shower  Saturday night,  two fucking nights ago and it completely wiped me out. The pain was worse than it’s ever been and the nausea was off the charts. So I’m trying to find something and some reason to keep holding on. How do you come to terms with the fact that your future may include you being always trapped in a body that doesn’t work and left in a bed?  Lately when I watch movies all I can do is cry.  I cried for what might’ve been and what should have been. I also try very hard to understand and live with my new ‘normal’. I’m not trying to get pity or be a Debbie downer, but sometimes this shit just really gets to me. I don’t understand what the fuck I did to deserve such an aggressive form of this disgusting disease. When I was diagnosed I had three babies under three and my life was torn apart.

Fuck you multiple sclerosis

I’m just so tired. Even Warriors fall apart at times. I’m just not sure how to put myself back together this time. It was just a fucking shower and my whole body feels like it just wants to curl up and die. And the doctors don’t listen. They don’t seem to care about my back fracture, they act like it’s not a big deal. It’s almost as if they feel like, hey she has multiple sclerosis she’s bedridden there’s nothing to do. The way the pain is affecting my life I may just have to do their morphine drops under the tongue. Sadly cannabis isn’t even helping me now. So what, they’re just gonna throw morphine under my tongue and leave me to die in a bed. The worst part is if I wasn’t stricken with multiple sclerosis they would be able to fix my knees, fix my hips, fix my back. But because of my disease it’s not worth it to anyone.  Regarding the back fracture, my God, maybe that’s the reason my legs completely stopped working in November 2013. Maybe it wasn’t the MS. But they have no answers for me about that. They basically just said possibly but there’s never any way to tell.  So now I am stuck wondering and really wondering what am I gonna do for my future.  Have no worries, I will get through this and I will continue to fight. Hell, I’m a fucking MS Warrior! 🖤

Have courage and be kind