So this post might be a little long. And you don’t have to read I’m just trying to get out what I’m feeling. We are going to attempt a shower today and I’m already having anxiety. But I have to do it because PTA bed baths are not doing it for me. 😋
I just don’t want to roll over or get in that fucking Hoyer sling. It hurts so much even when I have a nice supply of cannabis on board. 😉
Some of you know I have another fracture in my back at L3 and I was supposed to see a spinal surgeon like last month, but I can’t. I don’t want to go because I don’t want to get up. And the worst part about that is, I really want to get up! I know that does not make any sense. LOL
Without help I don’t know how I’m going to ever be able to get out of this bed. But, I will keep doing what I’m doing like wiggling in the bed LOL I have some serious dance moves for someone who is in bed. 💃🏻 I just want out of it. But when I’m lying down or even when my legs are up and I’m elevated I don’t have any pain. So thankful for my adjustable bed. 🙏🏻 The minute someone moves my legs I literally want to die. It feels like my hip is going to snap and my leg is going to fall right off. Sounds like something out of a criminal minds episode. Childbirth wasn’t as painful. I will take a contraction over this any day. 😳
We rolled a couple of pillows and taped them and put a cover on to jam them on the outside of each leg to roll my hip as I’m lying down. Oh holy man! The first day I could only tolerate about five minutes because the pain was intense. But yesterday I actually kept them there for a few hours. I’m hoping that eventually I will be able to get my legs moving without pain. I don’t care what the doctors say and what my MS is going to do with me because I know if I can get rid of this pain I will be up again. I may never walk again but I will be able to transfer if I can just combat the pain. And thanks to my colostomy and urostomy I won’t have to worry about running to the bathroom every five minutes anymore. 😂 Statistically the odds are against me but I’ve never been a fan of statistics. LOL Do not tell my daughter that because that is what she graduated with honors in. 😜
I’m putting on my little arm weights more because I totally slacked off on doing my arm exercises because depression hit it once again. But my little inner child showed up and beat the crap out of depression. Hopefully it’ll stay away a little longer this time. 🤞
When things got really bad after my surgery in 2014 and I completely fell into a very dark place. The surgery almost took my life and at that time I wished it had. I think a lot of people thought that it was getting to the point where I was nearing the end. I felt it, I even had a doctor tell me my outlook was grim. It wasn’t until February 2018 that I woke up. That anniversary is coming up and it scares me. But it also reminds me that I can fight and can get better. I just want people to know don’t give up on yourself no matter how bad it might be! I have been to the depths of hell and I’ve tried to leave a couple times. For some reason they didn’t want me. LOL
Well now that I’ve written a book and I probably lost most of you after the first paragraph I am going to get myself pumped so I can take my shower and not be afraid. 💪👊
I’ll be back… Said in my best terminator voice. LOL
Have courage and be kind!
Bahahaha you know this is true! There are no more presents to wrap because by now they’ve all been unwrapped. People are deciding if they should take down Christmas immediately or if they should wait and take down on New Year’s. The malls are still pretty crowded because people are doing returns and/or finding what they think are deals after the holiday. People in the work force are praying that their company will also give them the day before New Year’s off. Who doesn’t want a four day weekend?
Then you have people like me who can’t distinguish one day from the next. I still use an old-fashioned calendar to mark days off as they go so I don’t get lost. 😂 I would love to be able to blame this solely on multiple sclerosis, but I can’t. I mean I have become more scatterbrained but I’ve always been a little off. LMAO just ask people that have known me for years. Trust me they will tell you the truth. 🤔 I am not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
I think the five days between these two holidays are quite similar to the feeling you get when you’re sitting next to a stranger and you’re not really sure where to put your arm(s). You know that feeling… You don’t want to touch them but you also don’t wanna look standoffish or rude so you fiddle with your arms as you’re not sure how to hold them. What ever will you do…
And with that please remember to always have courage and be kind! 🖤
I can’t help it, I love that movie and that part of the movie. One of my favorite movie lines! #MrDeeds
My blog title has nothing to do with how I’m feeling though. Living with so much uncertainty in life sucks! I’m always waiting for that other proverbial shoe to drop. I ask myself every day why do I even bother getting up in the morning err waking up because I don’t really get up at all. 🤔
Most people have something to look forward to they can make future plans. I don’t have that option. I have no way to a slow or stop my progression of my MS so I really do wonder why I bother. But, I will wake up every morning and lie this bed and figure out a way to get through each day lying in this bed. I think I need to invest in a good mattress LMAO but that won’t happen until pigs fly out of my ass. 😂🤣 Good mattresses are too fucking expensive. What a rip off.
That is all for now… I know you’re happy about that. Remember, have courage and be kind!
What do you do when there is nothing for your type of illness? Yes there is a medication now for primary progressive, Ocrevus, but is it really for us. Most of the studies I see have been done on people with relapsing remitting or secondary progressive. They already had medications. LOL what do you do when there’s nothing for you? It’s too dangerous for me to take any of the DMD medications. So how do you live your life knowing nothing, and let’s face it, no one can help you. How do you fight when there are no tools to help you fight? The only way to slow or stop the progression of multiple sclerosis, any type, is to be on one of the disease modifying drugs. So, please, tell me how do I fight? There are people out there that won’t take those medications because they feel the side effects are too dangerous. I would give my right arm to be on one because I can tell you MS will fuck you up a lot more than any of the side effects from the medications. MS is always working in the background and I don’t care how great your diet is or that you exercise 24 hours a day, 😂 that will not slow or stop the progression of multiple sclerosis! So if you are not on one of those medications, I’m so sorry, but you are a special kind of stupid!
I really don’t mean to sound like a bitch, but I have nothing to help me and it angers me. How do you go on with your life knowing that you can do absolutely nothing to help yourself. Yes I can watch what I eat and shimmey in my bed to keep movement going but that’s not slowing or stopping my progression. I am so fucking angry. I hate the fucking holidays because I cannot physically do anything for anybody not even myself. I don’t know if people really grasp the concept of being bedridden. Someone told me they were bedridden but that they could get in their wheelchair and cruise around whenever they needed to, that they could still transfer and things on their own. 🤯 UMMM then you’re not fucking bedridden if you can get up all by yourself and get in n out of your wheelchair on your own. What the actual fuck! I’m so glad I wasn’t near that person because I would’ve seriously opened up a can of whoop ass on them. LMAO when you’re bedridden you can’t get up out of your bed whenever you feel like it. Then you wouldn’t be bedridden! DUH I cannot even sit up on my own. I can’t even roll over on my own. I am stuck lying on my back for however long I stay in this universe. It’s a whole production getting me dressed and out of my bed and that is probably why I don’t do it very often. And it’s very painful… so there you have it.
Yes I’m angry!!
And every now and then you hear of a new celebrity just diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and they make it sound like they are some sort of martyr. For any chronic illness money talks. Granted it sucks that they are also struggling with this illness but they are able to get the resources that the majority of us sorely need but cannot afford. I would love to have someone at my home helping me every day. Then I could get out of my bed and I could maybe maybe one day get better. I don’t mean get rid of the MS but physically get stronger and mentally having someone to help me could change my life. But unfortunately the majority of us cannot afford Caregivers nor can we afford to handicap accessorize our homes. So while I feel sad for the celebrity, I would trade places with them in a heartbeat. I don’t even know where I’m going with this blog today. I can just feel that I’m not in a good place so I just needed to get shit out. As always I’ll be OK but sometimes I wonder how I’m going to be OK.
If anyone ever tells you, be glad it’s just MS!! Punch them square in the jaw, to hopefully have the end result be that teeth fall out. Then they will remember never to say that to anyone ever again.
I’m really trying to stay positive, but when every day is the same with change nowhere in sight, it can be hard.
I’ll get over this feeling in a little while and I will get back to my positive outlook. But today I’m allowed to feel this way and be angry.
And no, I’m not glad it was just multiple sclerosis. So next time think before you fucking speak. This is not going out to any one person in general, it’s just something I see all over the Internet when people are ignorant. So now I am going to watch Fast Times at Ridgemont high, laugh at how stupid it is and funny, and find my positive place again.
I hope everyone has a very safe and Happy All Hallows’ Eve!!
As for me, my back is killing me so I am going to sit in the dark in my room and watch scary movies. One of my favorite things to do. 👻
I’m a little bummed that I’m not able to put on make up or do anything this Halloween, but there will be others. Thankfully Snapchat has given me a few ways to do some make up. LMAO
Did I mention I love Halloween!
Be safe tonight and be mindful of others around you. And if teenagers show up at your door, give them candy! It’s much better that they’re doing something safe and fun then being out doing something not so safe and possibly getting into trouble. Childhood leaves us much too soon so let them be children for as long as possible. 🖤
And, if you have a black kitty keep them inside tonight. Humans can be very evil and black cats are targeted on Halloween. I think we all know that humans are the only monsters in this world.
Last but not least, an update on my MRI… They are working to get it done via outpatient so that I can be sedated to help with my pain during the MRI. I decided there’s no reason for me to be in that much pain to get a test so they need to work and help me. We have to be our own advocate and we need to speak up if something is not right for us. So that’s what I did!
I know it’s been a while. A lot of crazy shit has gone on. A lot of good but then some bad as well. 😳 Welcome to my world. 😈mwahahaha
So when I went to my doctor he thinks there may be an issue in my lower back. There is a possible fracture so he is wanting an MRI to see if there’s issues with my bones etc. I forgot to get the order on Friday so they are faxing it to my husband‘s work. My issue is no one is set up properly to give me an MRI. I need a Hoyer lift and unfortunately the ones they have at the hospital do not work very well with my sling. So I may have to bring my lift. And because of the metal they will have to find a way to get me on a gurney to bring me into the MRI to get me on the table. The last time I did the x-rays it was completely horrible. The pain was off the charts and that’s actually when they found my fracture at L1. 😳 So I’m not looking forward to the MRI. I’m actually scared to death. I’m really tired of all of us. I don’t usually break down but this is fucking awful.
If my back literally just keeps getting fractures I’m fucking done. I am so fucking tired. I had a blast the past few weeks and I really thought things were getting better and then, Bam this happens. I’ve been working so fucking hard to get out of this bad that I’ve been trapped in for five years and it just seems like the universe is against me. 😢
‼️‼️OKAY… I got it out and now I’m going to pull up my big girl panties and say to hell with all of this I’m going to kick some ass and find out what the fucks going on. I’m not sure if the universe knows who they’re dealing with… they must not know who I am. 😉
Sending out all kinds of love and hugs! ♥️😘 — ￼feeling a bit overwhelmed and a bit pissed off… So watch out universe.