I know it got a little dark in here last night. Sometimes when I’m sitting by myself thoughts pop into my head. I decided I’m just going to put them here when that happens. Blogging to me is an outlet. It’s a way to purge myself so I don’t lose it in my real life. Does that make sense? Does it matter if it makes sense to you? I guess as long as it makes sense to me it’s a good thing.￼This is my love. She stays by my side and makes sure that I’m OK.￼ ￼She is the reason that two years ago, almost to the date, I did not leave this earth. She did have some help from my beautiful friend Carolyn.￼￼ That story is here and one that has no end yet. At least not the end that I was hoping for. Still a work in progress.
Today is a better day. Starbucks and blueberry muffins are the perfect thing to put you right. ￼I tell people all the time, that it’s just a bad day not a bad life. I sometimes need to take my own advice. Today, I will!￼￼Have courage and be kind.￼
Seriously, some days I wonder why the hell I even bother waking up. No, I don’t mean the alternative. It just gets harder and harder it seems, to be trapped in this bed. Three months ago I was at the point where I didn’t care anymore. I kept my self medicated so I didn’t have to think about being in this prison. But then, I got help. My mind set changed and I saw that there was some hope left. In a perfect world I would’ve been able to remain there until I could actually get up on my own. And no, I don’t mean up being a dancing fool, just able to transfer myself from my bed to my wheelchair. In this world, insurance would have none of that. 😳
So I’ve been lying here for the last two days, angry and a little bit lost. It seems that since I had a glimpse of what might happen, I am not handling being trapped very well anymore. Hell, without the help I need, nothing is going to change. I feel like I’m fooling myself in a sense when I say that I can do this on my own. I want to keep that positive facade going so everyone thinks everything’s great… but it’s not. And no, I’m not giving up, but I am looking for alternatives. 🤔
I’ve been mindlessly watching movies for the last two days. Anything to keep my mind off of everything that I cannot do anymore. As I’m watching I constantly wiggle my butt 😏 move my arms 💪🏻 and try and strengthen myself. But in all honesty, that’s not going to change very much for me. Right now while I’m talk typing, I’m wiggling my hips back-and-forth. Just keep moving is my new motto, and moving is what I will keep doing as much as I can. If only my dogs 🐶 had opposable thumbs and could understand me and be able to talk and be strong enough to lift me up, everything would be aces. 😂 It could happen.
Okay, back to the real world. I think the worst part for me is that in my mind I can see myself moving my legs enough to be able to get transferred to my wheelchair. I can’t explain it properly. Sometimes as I’m lying here I can almost feel my body move on its own. I know that sounds like some crazy psychotic shit. LOL I wish I had the proper words for it. But I am literally drawing a blank. It’s like I can see myself outside of myself. Okay, now I’m really going in to the realms of crazy psycho woman. 🤣 And I think I just said back to the real world. Welcome to my mind. 😳
I am now going to bid you farewell for the night. You can thank me later. 💋
We’re having weekly auctions to help rescues, pledging, and getting innocent lives to safety.
I’m donating my jewelry for the auctions at this time. This weeks auction proceeds will go to LA Mike Rescue. He truly is a dog savior! He’s been rescuing for months now, usually out of his own pocket!
Please let’s help him continue to do so. Please share!