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Positively unsure…

I’m positive that I’m unsure about everything right now. Day in and day out I lie in this bed and wonder if things are really going to change. When I say being positive is new to me, it’s a true story. I never realized that it’s very hard to keep a positive attitude. And when your life takes a turn like mine took two decades ago, it’s fucking hard. When I found help on February 23, I believed my life was going to change for the better. I’m still hopeful, but it’s much harder than I thought it would be. While I can move my legs and feet a little bit, I still am unable roll on to my side. I cannot sit up without something supporting my back. As I sit/lie here all I have this time. I’m looking at this blank page before me with tears in my eyes not even sure what to say. I miss the girl I was. I’m so angry at everything and everyone and at nothing and no one. Half the time I don’t even know what I’m saying or thinking anymore. I’m alone and I’m lonely but I don’t want anybody around me.

Most days I just want to scream at the top of my lungs for no apparent reason. The highlight of my day is watching the hummingbirds drinking the glorious nectar that keeps them going. Sugar water, go figure. I can stare at them and keep staring praying that they won’t fly away too quickly…

Is it so wrong two want to escape from this prison that is my body? I don’t want to sound negative or sad but nothing really is changing. We can’t afford a caregiver and I can expect my family to spend every free minute they have aside from what they’re already doing to help me. The whole physical therapy aftercare is a fucking joke. I can only call so many times without a return call. And in reality, if they do call I have no way to get there… So does it really matter. My husband cannot keep taking off as much work as he already does take care of me. My kids work and they shouldn’t have to take care of me. They have done that their whole lives already. And then there’s the pain… the pain that never goes away. The physical and the mental pain Is exhausting. I’m trying so hard to stay strong to keep that positive light flowing.

No one understands that when just sitting like a normal person causes so much pain, it makes a person not want to get out of the bed. The minute my hips go to the proper sitting position the pain latches on and won’t go away. My legs have plopped the side [frog legs] for over four years [11/2013] and when my hips rotate it’s excruciating. Pain meds, muscle relaxants, cannabis, CBD, nothing stops it. I’ve l earned to grit my teeth, quietly let the tears flow, bare it, and warrior on because I have to! I have orders to get ultrasounds on my legs to check for clots, an order to have x-rays of my hips and lower back to check for arthritis aside from my degenerative disc, an order for a mammogram that I’ve put off for the last 2 1/2 three years. Breast cancer took my sister from me I miss her so much…

And I digress. So as I said, I have all of those things I need to get taken care but have no way to get there. I know that my husband will take another day off work to get me to these appointments and that is why I don’t want to make them. It’s also going to suck big hairy donkey balls because of the pain that’s going to happen when trying to get me out of my wheelchair to lie flat for the x-rays. I hope they have some strong men working that day and maybe even a chaser of morphine.

On the outside looking in people probably think I’m lazy. Although I don’t know how I can do much more from my bed. I fought for the last two decades against MS and it didn’t change a thing. I Just kept progressing to where I’m now. But don’t worry, I’m still going to fight and do what I can from this bed to keep going.

I’m going to put my arm weights on every day and do my exercises. I’m going to have my family help me move my legs when they get a free moment. I’m going to keep moving my legs as much as I can even if it is only a little. I know right now I can’t move them very much, but with hard work it can only get better. Or it won’t. But even in the dreary depressed mood I am in at this moment, I will never quit. I will never end up in the hospital again after trying to take my life. [2/2017] I will never end up in the hospital again contemplating taking my life. [2/2018] Because what that month of physical therapy DID give to me was a glimpse in to what might be. I know now I was just a body in bed but while I was there I learned the tools to better myself. I have all the paperwork showing the specific exercises; I know what to do. And even if nothing changes, no one can say I didn’t fight and fight hard! One thing I learned and I’m still learning is there truly is something beautiful in every. I didn’t see that before. That’s how I make it through now. As I’m reading through this I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say. But, I’m in here and I’m saying it and that alone is strength.

Have courage and be kind.

confession · Darkness · Depression · Fear · health insurance · hope · HORROR · Hospital · lonliness · mindless-thoughts · multiple sclerosis · Pain · primary progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · Religion · sadness

Why do we blog?

Really, why do we? Why do so many put their thoughts and emotions out the for the world to ‘read’? For me, it breaks the monotony of my daily bed-ridden life. It allows me to bitch, if you will, at the world and not my family. lol I have a story, it may not be much to some, but it’s my life. I hope that in some small way others in my position can find some hope, or at least have a laugh.

Even in my more depressing blogs, I think it helps others to know they are not alone. It’s ok to cry, scream, and lose it… once in a while. 🙂 We don’t always have to ‘hold’ it together and be strong every second. Sometimes a good cry is cleansing for the soul, and I’m talking ugly crying! lol

I also hope to bring awareness to others on how we can fight back against those who try to hurt us. Hospital treatment and the treatment we sometimes have to endure by big companies, i.e.; Insurance Companies, and big Pharma. We have to be tough and find our inner strength so these people do not run over us like we are nothing.

We are the strong. We deal with more in one day than most deal with in their lifetime. We smile through the pain, the losses, and the inhumanity of some. So believe it, we are the true Warriors!!

There are days I want to give up. There was a time, not long ago, I tried… When I awoke I was angry, I wanted to be free. Then I realized, maybe I am here for a reason. If I am able to help even just one person, maybe that’s why I am still here. I’ll be honest, the thoughts linger in my head every day. I fight like hell to never let them ‘almost’ get me again. It has nothing to do with any God or higher power. It’s my will, my power and inner child that keeps me going. We all have the inner child of strength. I truly hope you can find yours and hold on tight.

Love and Light to all

Darkness · Death · dehumanization · Fear · Ramblings

MS and Me…

Here’s my MS in a nutshell; cannot walk, cannot sit up on my own, cannot get out of bed without using a Hoyer lift, daily pain, double stoma girl (colostomy, urostomy), numbness, fatigue, migraines, shakes, occasional bedsores, unable to shower alone, degenerative disc, obviously bed-ridden and wheel-chariot bound, drop foot, stiffness, pain, did I say PAIN, living in a prison that IS my body, no independence, unable to drive anymore, insomnia (severe), primary progressive MS (aggressive), hot and cold issues, memory issues, brain fog, kaleidescope eyes, dizziness, depression, anxiety, and the list goes on!

I fight every day, and the fight is exhausting.

I won’t stop fighting.

Hope is paralyizing. I won’t stop hoping.

I want to give up daily. I won’t give up.

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I will be strong!

Depression · family · friendship · multiple sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM · Religion · sadness · sarcasm · strength

Fight or Flight?

We all know what this means. In a crisis we either fight or we run. Which would you do? Lately I’ve been running or rolling as it would be. And I’m not a ‘roller’! I’ve always been a fighter. And definitely not a quitter, which is also what I have been doing as of late. I know that the fight is inside of me. I was physically attacked many moons ago in front of my apartment building. I fought and the guy ran away. So, I know the fight is there, I just need to find her again. This is not to say there will be many days I want to quit, but I am looking for my little fighter again. I know that if my PPMS were a person I would have kicked the shit of out her a long time ago. Fighting the MS will be tricky as ‘she’ is not a tangible being. But when has that stopped me before?

Look out Bitch!!

The past week has been very rough and it is not over yet. Hands still shaking, legs still weaker than normal, transferring is tough, fatigue is kicking my ass. I’m still quite depressed, as being in this fucking chair is really getting old. The first thing I see when awakening is my chair and it is the last thing I see when I go to sleep. A HUGE reminder that I am crippled. I think it is so hard because I know what it is like to walk, to be able to go when I please, have Independence… ALL of which was ripped out from under me, literally!

I am hoping the ‘fight’ in me comes back. I cannot make any promises as I have no idea what each day is going to bring. I am terrified of going to sleep as I never know when waking if my body will have finally succumbed to the MS. Will I wake up totally paralyzed? What then? I know there will be days and blogs where my pain will come through like a punch in the face, so be prepared.

I only have myself and my inner strength to count on. I know I have family and friends, but this fight is solely up to me. No one can ‘fix’ my emotions but myself. Some have suggested counseling… sorry but talking to someone in high heels and who is healthy is NOT for me. I do not care how many books they have read or how many people they know in a wheelchair, they are not living it so they have no clue! This is FACT not fiction!

Well the hands are getting weak and my head is staring to nod, so I’m out!

But, before I go, good luck with the Rapture! I know I’ll still be here tomorrow as will everyone else. Well, maybe not the quacks that believe this, hopefully they will go! 😛

xx, Tracy...