Posts Tagged ‘fight’

Really, why do we? Why do so many put their thoughts and emotions out the for the world to ‘read’? For me, it breaks the monotony of my daily bed-ridden life. It allows me to bitch, if you will, at the world and not my family. lol I have a story, it may not be much to some, but it’s my life. I hope that in some small way others in my position can find some hope, or at least have a laugh.

Even in my more depressing blogs, I think it helps others to know they are not alone. It’s ok to cry, scream, and lose it… once in a while. 🙂 We don’t always have to ‘hold’ it together and be strong every second. Sometimes a good cry is cleansing for the soul, and I’m talking ugly crying! lol

I also hope to bring awareness to others on how we can fight back against those who try to hurt us. Hospital treatment and the treatment we sometimes have to endure by big companies, i.e.; Insurance Companies, and big Pharma. We have to be tough and find our inner strength so these people do not run over us like we are nothing.

We are the strong. We deal with more in one day than most deal with in their lifetime. We smile through the pain, the losses, and the inhumanity of some. So believe it, we are the true Warriors!!

There are days I want to give up. There was a time, not long ago, I tried… When I awoke I was angry, I wanted to be free. Then I realized, maybe I am here for a reason. If I am able to help even just one person, maybe that’s why I am still here. I’ll be honest, the thoughts linger in my head every day. I fight like hell to never let them ‘almost’ get me again. It has nothing to do with any God or higher power. It’s my will, my power and inner child that keeps me going. We all have the inner child of strength. I truly hope you can find yours and hold on tight.

Love and Light to all

Here’s my MS in a nutshell; cannot walk, cannot sit up on my own, cannot get out of bed without using a Hoyer lift, daily pain, double stoma girl (colostomy, urostomy), numbness, fatigue, migraines, shakes, occasional bedsores, unable to shower alone, degenerative disc, obviously bed-ridden and wheel-chariot bound, drop foot, stiffness, pain, did I say PAIN, living in a prison that IS my body, no independence, unable to drive anymore, insomnia (severe), primary progressive MS (aggressive), hot and cold issues, memory issues, brain fog, kaleidescope eyes, dizziness, depression, anxiety, and the list goes on!

I fight every day, and the fight is exhausting.

I won’t stop fighting.

Hope is paralyizing. I won’t stop hoping.

I want to give up daily. I won’t give up.

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I will be strong!

We all know what this means. In a crisis we either fight or we run. Which would you do? Lately I’ve been running or rolling as it would be. And I’m not a ‘roller’! I’ve always been a fighter. And definitely not a quitter, which is also what I have been doing as of late. I know that the fight is inside of me. I was physically attacked many moons ago in front of my apartment building. I fought and the guy ran away. So, I know the fight is there, I just need to find her again. This is not to say there will be many days I want to quit, but I am looking for my little fighter again. I know that if my PPMS were a person I would have kicked the shit of out her a long time ago. Fighting the MS will be tricky as ‘she’ is not a tangible being. But when has that stopped me before?

Look out Bitch!!

The past week has been very rough and it is not over yet. Hands still shaking, legs still weaker than normal, transferring is tough, fatigue is kicking my ass. I’m still quite depressed, as being in this fucking chair is really getting old. The first thing I see when awakening is my chair and it is the last thing I see when I go to sleep. A HUGE reminder that I am crippled. I think it is so hard because I know what it is like to walk, to be able to go when I please, have Independence… ALL of which was ripped out from under me, literally!

I am hoping the ‘fight’ in me comes back. I cannot make any promises as I have no idea what each day is going to bring. I am terrified of going to sleep as I never know when waking if my body will have finally succumbed to the MS. Will I wake up totally paralyzed? What then? I know there will be days and blogs where my pain will come through like a punch in the face, so be prepared.

I only have myself and my inner strength to count on. I know I have family and friends, but this fight is solely up to me. No one can ‘fix’ my emotions but myself. Some have suggested counseling… sorry but talking to someone in high heels and who is healthy is NOT for me. I do not care how many books they have read or how many people they know in a wheelchair, they are not living it so they have no clue! This is FACT not fiction!

Well the hands are getting weak and my head is staring to nod, so I’m out!

But, before I go, good luck with the Rapture! I know I’ll still be here tomorrow as will everyone else. Well, maybe not the quacks that believe this, hopefully they will go! 😛

xx, Tracy...