Love · Strength

Happy Pride Month!!

This goes out to all celebrating pride month!

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Have courage and be kind.

#PrideMonth #JuneIsPrideMonth #LoveOverHate 

Family · Loss · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Sadness · Strength

In Memory – Will Herberts

Will was one of those people that you just wanted to have as your friend. No matter how awful his multiple sclerosis was treating him, he smiled. He always had a smile for everyone and a motivational word or two. His passing left so many of us in tears. We were just becoming good friends when he went on his next adventure. When people say multiple sclerosis doesn’t kill you, they are wrong. If he did not suffer from MS he would not gotten the infection that landed him in a nursing home.  He would not have become septic, and he sure as hell wouldn’t have ended up with bedsores. He did die directly from his multiple sclerosis.  I think the part that is hard for many of us is that while in the nursing home he suffered from bedsores. That is something that should not happen when you’re under 24/7 care. 😢

The best thing about him is he always smile no matter how bad he was feeling. He always had a kind word for everyone that he met. he definitely was “Wicked Smaht”!! The world lost an amazing person the day he died. What I loved about him the most is that he never had an unkind word to say about anyone. He was just always there when you needed him. Thank you so much Will for being you. You touched so many lives and we miss you so! You truly were an MS Warrior! I know wherever you are you’re making everyone laugh and feel better. Love you! 😘

Just look at his smile! That is who he was!

Have courage and be kind.

Family · Health · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

Suicide – It’s Time We Talk (part 3)

Periodically, I will keep discussing suicide. We need to let people know that it’s OK to talk about. We need to let people know they can contact us if they need help. I’m hanging on to life with both hands try not to fall off. It’s scary and my time is all screwed up right now. I keep thinking it was a week ago Wednesday when in reality it was just last week. I’m also having some wickedly violent dreams. I will be discussing something to help me sleep with my neurologist on our call tomorrow. I did get 6 1/2 hours of good sleep last night and then fell back to sleep for three hours. For me that is some pretty good sleep.

I recognize the high I am on right now. I went through this high in 2018 when I called for help and they got me into rehab. The problem was I didn’t recognize the low that slowly crept in. I will be researching some online and over the phone mental health clinics. I am going to pace myself so I do not burn out. I know this won’t be an easy road, but it’s one I have to stay on.

This is my suicide aftermath. Things are all catty wonky right now. I guess that’s to be expected.

Have courage and be kind.

Happiness · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

She sleeps…

Just like, he sleeps, in Pretty Woman.

I have suffered from every type of insomnia at some point. I don’t think I have slept more than three hours in over 23 years. Since my “situation” this past week I’ve been on a high. I knew that was gonna happen and thankfully I’m recognizing it very quickly. Last night my husband and I watched, The Wrong Missy, on Netflix. It was awesome. At around 11:30 PM I tried to go to sleep and nothing happened. Then it was 1 AM and I started going on a low feeling like, oh my gosh is anything going to change. The next thing I know it is 9:50 AM. I can’t believe I got over eight hours of sleep. I feel amazing and I’m very afraid of that. I haven’t been happy in so many years that this feeling is very scary. This time, thankfully, if I do hit that low I will reach out to my amazing tribe. I am finally seeing that I’m not alone. 🖤 I wish I had noticed that before.

I love Snapchat filters. I rarely post my photo on my blog so here I am. 😜

Have courage and be kind.

Anger · Fear · FUCK · Health · HELL · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM

Broken

So this post might be a little long. And you don’t have to read I’m just trying to get out what I’m feeling. We are going to attempt a shower today and I’m already having anxiety. But I have to do it because PTA bed baths are not doing it for me. 😋
I just don’t want to roll over or get in that fucking Hoyer sling. It hurts so much even when I have a nice supply of cannabis on board. 😉
Some of you know I have another fracture in my back at L3 and I was supposed to see a spinal surgeon like last month, but I can’t. I don’t want to go because I don’t want to get up. And the worst part about that is, I really want to get up! I know that does not make any sense. LOL

Without help I don’t know how I’m going to ever be able to get out of this bed. But, I will keep doing what I’m doing like wiggling in the bed LOL I have some serious dance moves for someone who is in bed. 💃🏻 I just want out of it. But when I’m lying down or even when my legs are up and I’m elevated I don’t have any pain. So thankful for my adjustable bed. 🙏🏻 The minute someone moves my legs I literally want to die. It feels like my hip is going to snap and my leg is going to fall right off. Sounds like something out of a criminal minds episode. Childbirth wasn’t as painful. I will take a contraction over this any day. 😳


We rolled a couple of pillows and taped them and put a cover on to jam them on the outside of each leg to roll my hip as I’m lying down. Oh holy man! The first day I could only tolerate about five minutes because the pain was intense. But yesterday I actually kept them there for a few hours. I’m hoping that eventually I will be able to get my legs moving without pain. I don’t care what the doctors say and what my MS is going to do with me because I know if I can get rid of this pain I will be up again. I may never walk again but I will be able to transfer if I can just combat the pain. And thanks to my colostomy and urostomy I won’t have to worry about running to the bathroom every five minutes anymore. 😂 Statistically the odds are against me but I’ve never been a fan of statistics. LOL Do not tell my daughter that because that is what she graduated with honors in. 😜

I’m putting on my little arm weights more because I totally slacked off on doing my arm exercises because depression hit it once again. But my little inner child showed up and beat the crap out of depression. Hopefully it’ll stay away a little longer this time. 🤞
When things got really bad after my surgery in 2014 and I completely fell into a very dark place. The surgery almost took my life and at that time I wished it had. I think a lot of people thought that it was getting to the point where I was nearing the end. I felt it, I even had a doctor tell me my outlook was grim. It wasn’t until February 2018 that I woke up. That anniversary is coming up and it scares me. But it also reminds me that I can fight and can get better. I just want people to know don’t give up on yourself no matter how bad it might be! I have been to the depths of hell and I’ve tried to leave a couple times. For some reason they didn’t want me. LOL

Well now that I’ve written a book and I probably lost most of you after the first paragraph I am going to get myself pumped so I can take my shower and not be afraid. 💪👊

I’ll be back… Said in my best terminator voice. LOL
Have courage and be kind!

Christmas · Family · Happiness · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · Music · Primary Progressive MS · Strength · Stupid Stuff

Holy Christmas balls Batman!

I had a great weekend! My step mom, who is more like a mother to me, and her husband came down on Saturday for our family Christmas. It was wonderful! I spent the first part of Saturday in my bed so we all camped out in my room and then when we were ready to eat, Roger got me up in my wheelchair and we actually ate our Christmas dinner at the table! You have no idea but that is a big deal. LOL The only issue was the fact that my Wheel-Chariot, even at its lowest position is still a bit high for the table. But thankfully I had my little tray so I got as close as I could to the table and used my tray for my food. She makes thee best mac & cheese ever and the best salad dressing. I was in heaven!  It felt very nice to feel normal, whatever that is, for that day. 🖤 Last year my daughter hung a string of lights around the walls of my bedroom and they brought me a beautiful lighted Christmas wreath. My room looks so pretty at night now! Festive and fun.

I also got an amazing “train case“ for my make up. I subscribe to Boxy Charm, so I get a surprise box every month of make up  and other fun things. It may seem frivolous or even stupid for me to do this because of the fact that I’m stuck in my bed, but for me it’s just fun and gives me something to do other than watching television. Although, the television is still on in the background. LOL Basically, it keeps me off the streets! 😂🤣

I hope this Monday finds everyone well. ♥️

Have courage and be kind!

Animal Rescue · Family · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

Furbaby Love

I just thought I would share a little bit of what makes me smile every day. My children with paws 🐾

Clockwise from top left: Soloh, Charlie (girl), Gatsby, Zoe (kitty),  and Dexter Morgan.

🐶🐶🐶🐶🐱

Soloh. She never leaves my side. She actually saved my life. 🧡Pittie-mix the best dog you could ever love.

All rescues, as in my mind, rescue IS the only breed!

This handsome bearded dragon was Stewie.  He is and will always be the only bearded dragon I will ever love. 😉 He was awesome!

Animals are forever! They love you unconditionally and they should always be treated like family. I am against breeding as I believe until they all have a home it should be stopped. There really is no need for designer dogs. So please, adopt, Don’t shop! I know breeding will never stop completely but until we can clear out the shelters and stop the murder of so many healthy beautiful animals we need to rethink breeding for the time being.  And, FYI, you can find many purebreds in the shelters and breed-specific rescue’s. So there really is no reason to go to a breeder.  I will now step down off my soapbox. 😂🤣

Mwahahaha

As always, have courage and be kind!