As I am lying here trying to find something on TV, everything just hit me at once. My emotions went all over the place. Silently screaming and crying so no one in my house hears me. ￼How long can one lie in the same spot every day? How many books can one person read? How much TV can one person watch? After a while each thing you do becomes boring. You lie the same way at all times as you can no longer roll your body to either side. I’ve actually had people tell me how lucky I am to be able to just lie around all day and have no big responsibilities. Really? 🤔 Maybe for one day or possibly even a week, but 6 years 3 months and counting￼… You must be fucking ridiculous!￼￼￼￼ Mental torture is 100% accurate! When people tell me they can’t imagine, they have no idea what they would do, they could never ￼cope, etc. They are 100% correct. They can’t imagine the darkness that goes through my mind every day. They have no idea how many nights I￼ pray to whatever entity is out there to take me home. They couldn’t cope with realizing that death would be a beautiful freedom￼.￼
Sometimes I wonder which is more crazy, the thoughts that go through my mind or the fact that I stick around for them. My favorite ‘people’ are those that say￼, “No you’re not going crazy you’re just upset with your situation.” Oh how lovely that would be if it were that simple. I would love just to be ‘upset’ with my situation. That would be much easier to take. ￼￼￼
Have courage and be kind.￼
*** just a little FYI, I’m just venting and I hate having to add that but some people, the people that don’t know me, take some things I write in the wrong way.￼ 🙄 If I didn’t get my feelings out, then I’d be worried. Thanks everyone… ￼
TGIF bitches! Technically Friday doesn’t mean much to me. My days all roll into one. I have to look at my iPhone calendar every day so I know what day of the week it is, as well as the actual date. The only good thing about Fridays is that my husband is home on the weekend. OK sometimes that’s not a good thing. OK OK I’m just kidding. (or am I) 😈￼
This past week has been pretty uneventful. I did have a couple of really good meltdowns. Quite frankly sometimes they really do help. ￼I spend my days playing in Facebook, putting my headphones on and cranking up my music as loud as they can go, reading when my eyes permit it, ￼and of course television. I have pretty much every channel and streaming service known to man. Even then most of the time there’s nothing on. I keep my TV on all the time. Mostly it’s for background noise so I don’t fee so alone. But there really is only so much of the idiot box you can watch before you go absolutely insane. I stay away from the news channels for the main reason I cannot stand listening to the orange guy in the White House. Every time I hear him speak my IQ drops a few points. I prefer talking to my dog. The conversation is much more intelligent.￼￼￼ there you have it… I don’t talk politics on here but now you know how I feel. Sorry, not fucking sorry at all! ￼
Now I am going to get lost in Bridget Jones’s Diary￼. ￼￼￼To all reading, I hope you have a wonderful weekend! As always, have courage and be kind!￼￼
I’m not even sure how to explain it. And I truly am sad most days, but today as I opened my eyes I felt nothing. Completely void. I was alone for about an hour and realized I didn’t have any water. I forgot to ask for some before my son left for work. And over that small little thing, I just sat there, emotionless with tears running down my face.
Only emotion I feel lately is anger. Anger because we cannot afford for me to have in-home care. My insurance company, one of the big ones, doesn’t cover that. And God forbid my husband‘s company pays him what he’s worth. He’s given near 20 years for that company. He’s trained more people there than anyone and never got paid for that. And all the while he did his own work as well. And the people he trained. now make much more money than he does. I guess because where he works most people are familied in. Yet my husband has more letters of recommendation and more people that will only work with him than anyone else. He gets calls at home from people for help. But this multi million dollar company can’t pay him enough for all his dedication and hard work.
And yes my husband has taken time off, for me to help me. He uses his vacation time and sick pay he’s never taken off the company without using his own hours. Everyone else is constantly on vacation. But that’s what the higher ups do in my husband’s company they go on vacation and leave the work to the real people who know what their doing. And then someone had the nerve to mention my husband taking time off. Again he uses his sick and his vacation pay so it doesn’t come out of the fucking company. And I pay attention, his colleagues take vacations all the time. But they actually get to take vacations my husband’s “vacations” are usually spent with me in the hospital.
My husband is a good man and the best at the job he does. Like I said it’s not just coming from me it’s coming from stacks of letters I have at home that people have sent him. And I did work with him years ago and many times people called they would only work with him.
If anyone reads this that works with him, cut him some slack. I wrote this only me. Because for 20 years I’ve watched my husband works his ass off but because he’s not an “ass kisser” and honestly that’s what most of those people want. And I’m glad he’s not, that’s one of the things I love about him.
Emptiness, really sucks. You see I can’t get excited about things because I have no way to get up to do the things that might excite me. My family does what they can when they’re not at work. I can honestly say I really need a caregiver. Maybe if I divorced my husband and go on government care that will help me. And the sickest part of that, is people actually have to do that. We are not the richest country in the world. Our system is completely fucked!
Now I’m off to watch some more brain cell killing TV. And that is my life.
That’s how I feel. Not so much in a bad way, just in a blah way! 😛 All kinds of things I wan to get done, now really energy or oomph to do them. Little baby steps I guess. I’m up early with the kids while they get ready for school. Once they leave I get the dishes done, then tidy up a bit. Trying to get a little routine going again. Once I get that done, boredom sets in. Not feeling the internet much as of late and have seen all the movies on demand and all my DVD’s. Then the tireds set in and it’s off to sleep I go.
I read on a friends FB status how she was off to lie down and have a DVD day. This friend has Lupus. Someone wrote how it must be nice to be able to just lie around and do that all day. I kept out of it as my first instinct was to tell this person to STFU!!!! What we would give to not have to sleep our days away. To be able to get the fuck out of our house, have a job, do chores, etc.. I knew to move on as I did not want to rip this idiot a new asshole. Ya, we loooove not being able to do things. To sleep all day. What a fucking quality of life!!
Feeling a bit overwhelemed, so going to take a break for today away from the ‘hospital’ blogs. I need to sort my thoughts for the blogs to come, so today I will be resting. Sleeping and watching movies are what is needed for me right now. The hospital conclusion[s] will be done within in the next week, so stay tuned if interested. These blogs are to help me face it, deal with it, and find my way back to me.
Thanks for all of the support thus far. I am blessed with amazing friends and family!!! xoxo
I will be getting to Vegas day 2 and my shower ideas soon.
Yesterday I was doing gr8, then BAM started feeling really bad. My legs had that ‘swelling’ feeling almost like the falling asleep feeling. As did my arms. Had a tough night as my legs kept ‘twitching’. My left ankle still hurts from crushing it the other day between my chair and the counter. So that is not helping. Walking right now, even just standing up to grab my walker, is taking all my spoons. You should see me trying to make it to the bathroom!! rofl That, in and of itself is freakin’ hilarious! My head feels like it is ready to explode and the fatigue is unbearable.
But, you wanna hear the worst part of all……………
THERE IS NOTHING ON TV OR CABLE OR ON DEMAND!! WTH!! The days I feel good all the good shows, movies, dvr are on. I watched Law and Order: SVU on dvr this morning. But now there is nothing on! I mean really. You would think the cable would know to have the good shit on when I am sick! I mean, for the money we pay them, the should be here changing the channels for me!!
Guess I will just lie back down with all my puppies who hog the bed and try and rest some more. BORING!! Maybe I will count the speckle shit on the ceiling, that’ll put my ass to sleep!