I really dislike sharing these type of emotions because I know we all go through it. Today it’s different. I can’t seem to find my happy today. Most days I can. I’m just now getting so much more frustrated with all the things I cannot do. I know I should focus on what I can do, but quite honestly, that list is very short. I’m getting angry that all it would take is for my insurance company to allow me the time in a Physical Therapy rehab center. Literally that’s it. But we know it’s all about money. Independence Blue Cross is taking my life from me to basically appease their rich shareholders. I can’t even blame my multiple sclerosis anymore. It is so much more than that.
I get people who ask me well then how do you go to the bathroom if you haven’t gotten out of your bed in three years. I have stomas I don’t need to get out of my bed. And I hate that so much.
Just can’t stop the tears today. I have so much life still ahead of me, but what I’m living now is not life it’s existence. I get so tired and mainly hurt when people question why I can’t just get in my wheelchair, so I have to explain that it’s because my hips and legs are so frog legged that when I go to sit and my hips turn, I cannot handle the pain. When I fell October 10, 2013 that is when my legs stopped working and my doctors basically did nothing to help me. At that point I was in my bed, 80% of the time. Then I had the wonderful surgeries for my stomas, which put me into a two year depression.
In 2018 I really thought my life was going to change when I was in that rehab center for 30 days. Then insurance kicked me out even though my doctors said I needed more time. Independence Blue Cross said it wasn’t medically necessary. When I got home, they barely gave me physical therapy because again it wasn’t medically necessary according to their doctors, who have never met me or seen me. When I was sent home my depression was really bad and that’s when everything went downhill.
Most of you know, and I’m not ashamed of it, that I tried to leave this earth three times. Again, trapped in the bed is not a life it’s just existence. I think the depression today is because I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t feel I have the strength anymore to light it up myself.
But please don’t worry, it’s just a really really bad day today. I will get through it but I need to get it out because I don’t know maybe somehow someway there will be someone who will be able to help me.
I think that’s why it’s been really hard missing my daddy right now. Because he did have connections and he would’ve had me in a place getting the help I need by now.
And now, I will try and pull up my big girl panties and my boot straps, and any other metaphor for getting my ass together. For anyone that has read this, thank you and again, don’t worry about me. I am a fucking warrior, and I will pull through this!
Also, thank you for always supporting through the good and the bad. Again, I’ll get through this.
As always, sending out love, hugs, and all the mushy shit to anyone who may need it! 🖤
Have courage and be kind…
Making it Through the Rain 
You are! You are a warrior like nobody else! I can’t even describe how sorry I am that you can’e get the healthcare you need!
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Thank you so much for always being supportive. I really appreciate it!
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Hi Tracy, thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Wish your dad were here too.
Sue and I are learning about Human Design. do you recall what time of day you were born?
Looks like both of us (you and I) have a similar energy type (manifestor ~11% of the population) and more.
Hugs and love dear One…Janie 💞🌈🌷
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8:10 AM. I just looked it up.🤭🧡
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hmm…can’t paste your body graph here. could send via text if the number I have for you is correct. and what hospital /city were you born (for time zone) ? trying to remember where you and your siblings were born or if I ever knew for sure..!
ps. the body graphs look kind of complex and have many facets. most helpful initially is gaining awareness of and reading about our energy type (manifestor) and authority (we both have emoțional authority…assuming your time zone at birth is PST).
Life theme for manifestors is anger resolving into a higher spiritual theme/experience of peace.
Jim and Sue are Projector energy types and their life theme is success/bitterness.
my partner /husband’s energy type is manifesting generator and his life theme is satisfaction/frustration.
there’s five energy types
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Hi Tracy, I hope you are feeling some better today. I know how bad depression can feel and it always seems so true and logical. But it isn’t. All the things it says to you are false. Tell your mind you don’t need this pressure and these false thoughts, that they don’t serve any benefit to you. I love you very much and know no one else like you. No one else that has your strength and determination.I’m glad you’re my friend and so glad you are here.
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