Yup, you guessed it…

Posted: December 29, 2009 in Craziness, Depression, Fear, health, mindless-thoughts, Ramblings, sadness, sarcasm
Tags: , ,

Another ‘no sleep in sight night’ for me. But I wonder…is it because I cannot sleep or because I do not want to sleep? I had mentioned a while back that the night is my haven. It is dark and quiet. [the way I like it] My kids call me momma Vampyre. I am normal. No need to get up and go. No need to do anything at all. The house is ‘asleep’ and I can be whole, if only for a short time. Hubby is buzz sawing in sofa city again. The kids [off school] are quietly playing video games. And, again the big dogs are sound to sleep in here with me. Life, for me, can not get any better than this. As I read this, I realize it  may sound kind of  pathetic to those who do not know me. In all actuality, it is quite awesome. I can hear the occasional loud ‘snort’ from sofa city, and the kids pop in from time to time to get a hug and tell me they love me. That’s wicked cool if you ask me.

If I was well, life would be sooooo much more different. But, I wonder, would it be better? Would I be happier? The initial answer is HELL to the YES!! But, really, would it be? My husband would have a better wife, my kids a better mommy.  So for them, yes, I feel it would be better. Sadly, we will never know. Would I give my right arm for my legs to work again, fatigue to stop, MS to go the fuck away…YUP!! Cut it off, no anesthetic, whatever, just give me back my legs and take the MS back!! Hmmmm, ok maybe use anesthetic. lol I mean, I’m left handed…

I have been watching a buttload of movies and get so depressed sometimes. I hate people that can walk!! Ok, not the people so much, but their ability to walk. I get very jealous. Yup, I said it, I get jealous and yes anger plays a part as well. I’m human, it happens. I’m also honest. When I used to pick up the kids from school, I would sit in the van and cry watching all the moms standing around and getting their kids. Some holding babies or their toddlers. I barely got to do that with my girls because by the time they were born the weakness got very bad. I was much too afraid to carry them for fear of falling and/or dropping them. Even with the boy, I was afraid to fall and/or drop him. By then he was 2yrs 4mos. It really sucked! What they did get, was a mommy home with them all the time. Helping with homework, reading to them, being there for them 24/7. So, sometimes I feel they got more from me than from the ‘healthy’ moms. My time was for them. If anything, hubby got the worst of it having to do all the things I could no longer do. Aw hell, it builds character! lol

I used to get mad as for years I knew something was wrong. I was dx’ed with CFS in 1986. I guess they figured a 6′ tall, thin, healthy woman, did not need an MRI or anything then.  I was working and going to college. No wonder why I was tired. Then I wonder if I had know, would I have had children? Would I have married? My answer, most likely NOT! It’s now a tad late for the what ifs. So, I just keep on keeping on and wear whatever mask is needed for the day. My masks are my protection from the world. Those close to me know when my masks are on [sometimes]. Those not close to me do not need to know. It is better for them they do not see the real pain behind the mask. My way of protecting others I guess.

As 2009 comes closer to the end, I wonder…will 2010 look brighter? I guess the real question is, will I look to 2010 as brighter? Just like ‘how many licks to get to the center of a lollipop’… the world may never know! HA

Blessings and Hope …

Comments
  1. Amy says:

    Mzt, it looks as if we both like our night time’s! I only see one problem with wearing masks, it doesn’t allow for you to always be genuine, and if may not help in the wanting a BF you were talking about earlier. It might just be my sleepless, midnight (errr umm 4 a.m.) ramblings, but I think you should stop wearing the masks and simple just be you, no need to protect the world by hiding. Being chronically ill is unfair, it cheats our families out of some things, but they gain a lot, too of good thing. As Randy Paush once said, we can’t help the cards we are dealt, only how we play them, well, I happen to like how you play ’em, even if the disease does suck. If I had a magic wand, the first thing I would do is restore your health. I think the world of you and you deserve it!

    Like

  2. Amy says:

    I think authentic is a better word than genuine – don’t listen to me its 4 a.m. and I havent had an ounce of sleep….I don’t know what Im talking about, ROFL! I don’t think my train pulls INTO the station enough, but its ok, I like it that way, rofl!!!!

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  3. Ruby Cantu says:

    I hate the people with ability….and they chose to sit on their asses and do nothing. They want to just let life pass them by, they watch TV all day long, no desire for anything fun or adventeruous….no travel, won’t do anything with their kids….I miss just being able to wake up and without previous thought look at the weekend and tell the boys “pack a change of clothing we are going out” they hated it because they would ask where we were going and I would say “I don’t know” I didn’t know….but we had fun when we got there, and we would be on the go from the minute we got there until it was time to get back home. So many things I miss about my old life, I know how it feels for you, not being able to hold your babies, been there too. I was pregnant with boy # 3 when I had my second surgery and boy # 2 was still a baby….I don’t even know how I survived pregnancy and delivery….lol.

    I’m hoping 2010 is brighter for all of us. Love ya!

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  4. R. G. Maines says:

    Tracy & Friends,

    I agree, the nighttime is calming, quiet, serene. There’s a sense of comfort in the night, somehow, when nothing is asked of us, not by other or ourselves. We can be simply, us.

    I used to sleep half the day while Sid was in school and be up most of the night, because I could do things I wanted to do and take my time, I could get so much more done when I wasn’t pushing myself so hard.

    I agree with Ruby that the folks who are ‘able-bodied’ who choose to not be active, to not participate in life, who take for granted their abilities and squander them because they can’t even imagine not being able to do the things they enjoy, disgust me.

    I’ve decided that 2010 IS going to be a better, brighter year, if only in the way I choose to look at things, if only in the sense that I’m going to strive to reduce the level of stress in my life. I have to start taking one day at a time and try not to worry so much about what’s going to or not going to happen tomorrow. All that stress and worry are robbing me of my joy, of enjoying life. All that time I put into stressing over so many things is forever lost to me, I can’t get it back.

    My husband’s theory is, ‘we always make it through somehow, things always work out in the end, maybe not just as you would have liked, but they do work out.’

    Love & Hugs oxox

    Like

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