For the past two nights my mind has been blank. I’ve been reading the Twilight books. Finished Eclipse in 6 hours and am half way through Breaking Dawn. Loving me some Vampires!! lol
The kids are finally back in school after a 3 week vacation. It figures their first day back, and my first day alone in 3 weeks, I was not feeling well. My kindle has been keeping me company. I was all ready to get out to my jewelry table and create some new things, and BAM could barely move. I so know that when ‘Aunt Flow’ visits, it affects my MS in a yuck way. And what do you know, the bitch came to visit yesterday. I know… TMI!! 😛 So, reading and sleeping was my day.
Today will end up the same, it seems. Other than a conference call meeting at 10am, I’m off for the day for more Kindle time and sleep. I hope this [aunt flow and the tireds] ends soon. I have been designing things in my head for days now and so need some ‘jewelry’ time. It clears my head and makes me feel like I have some purpose. I finally purchased my domain name, so stop by and check it out. A Fabulous Flair It is still a work in progress. Still deciding on backgrounds etc.
Well before I start rambling about more stupid stuff, I’m out!
Another ‘no sleep in sight night’ for me. But I wonder…is it because I cannot sleep or because I do not want to sleep? I had mentioned a while back that the night is my haven. It is dark and quiet. [the way I like it] My kids call me momma Vampyre. I am normal. No need to get up and go. No need to do anything at all. The house is ‘asleep’ and I can be whole, if only for a short time. Hubby is buzz sawing in sofa city again. The kids [off school] are quietly playing video games. And, again the big dogs are sound to sleep in here with me. Life, for me, can not get any better than this. As I read this, I realize it may sound kind of pathetic to those who do not know me. In all actuality, it is quite awesome. I can hear the occasional loud ‘snort’ from sofa city, and the kids pop in from time to time to get a hug and tell me they love me. That’s wicked cool if you ask me.
If I was well, life would be sooooo much more different. But, I wonder, would it be better? Would I be happier? The initial answer is HELL to the YES!! But, really, would it be? My husband would have a better wife, my kids a better mommy. So for them, yes, I feel it would be better. Sadly, we will never know. Would I give my right arm for my legs to work again, fatigue to stop, MS to go the fuck away…YUP!! Cut it off, no anesthetic, whatever, just give me back my legs and take the MS back!! Hmmmm, ok maybe use anesthetic. lol I mean, I’m left handed…
I have been watching a buttload of movies and get so depressed sometimes. I hate people that can walk!! Ok, not the people so much, but their ability to walk. I get very jealous. Yup, I said it, I get jealous and yes anger plays a part as well. I’m human, it happens. I’m also honest. When I used to pick up the kids from school, I would sit in the van and cry watching all the moms standing around and getting their kids. Some holding babies or their toddlers. I barely got to do that with my girls because by the time they were born the weakness got very bad. I was much too afraid to carry them for fear of falling and/or dropping them. Even with the boy, I was afraid to fall and/or drop him. By then he was 2yrs 4mos. It really sucked! What they did get, was a mommy home with them all the time. Helping with homework, reading to them, being there for them 24/7. So, sometimes I feel they got more from me than from the ‘healthy’ moms. My time was for them. If anything, hubby got the worst of it having to do all the things I could no longer do. Aw hell, it builds character! lol
I used to get mad as for years I knew something was wrong. I was dx’ed with CFS in 1986. I guess they figured a 6′ tall, thin, healthy woman, did not need an MRI or anything then. I was working and going to college. No wonder why I was tired. Then I wonder if I had know, would I have had children? Would I have married? My answer, most likely NOT! It’s now a tad late for the what ifs. So, I just keep on keeping on and wear whatever mask is needed for the day. My masks are my protection from the world. Those close to me know when my masks are on [sometimes]. Those not close to me do not need to know. It is better for them they do not see the real pain behind the mask. My way of protecting others I guess.
As 2009 comes closer to the end, I wonder…will 2010 look brighter? I guess the real question is, will I look to 2010 as brighter? Just like ‘how many licks to get to the center of a lollipop’… the world may never know! HA
The hubby is ‘softly’ snoring, kids talking as quiet as kids can, and I cannot sleep. So I am here to ramble…
Do you ever feel like something is missing, or you forgot to do something important? I HATE that feeling! I am not one to forget things, and yet lately I forget everything. My MS is messing with my cognitive skills, and that pisses me off more than losing the use of my legs. Shit, even more than incontinence issues. I actually forgot to pay two bills in the past months. That is so not me. Thankfully we are never late and I got out of late fess. Get this, I even have reminders…and i still forgot. It’s the damn ‘some-timers’; sometimes I remember, sometimes I don’t! 😛 So, if anyone out there knows what I am forgetting to do, please let me know. rofl
This blog may be out of sorts, as I have no clue about anything. My girl Ruby made it through her 11 hour back surgery with flying colors, so no more worries there. Christmas is over and it was good, but YAY it’s over, so all good there. A woman needing help, got help thanks to Laurie and her call to arms at Facebook. So that is really good.
I am feeling sad about my good friend Lu’s father, passing away. I so wish there was something I could do to help her through this time. Lu. if you are reading, know you are in my thoughts and blessings and if you need me, I’m here! I cannot imagine her pain. That is the problem with having friends so far away, I cannot get over to her home and give her a hug. Love ya Lu!
I have so many thoughts going on in my lil head and cannot sort them out. ARRGGHH I get so frustrated when this happens. There is no sleep in sight and deciphering my crazy thoughts. I start thinking about new designs for a bracelet, then POOF my mind goes to how can I get out and start doing some photography, then POOF thinking about a blog I want to write on finding my center. I try to concentrate on one, but then something catches my eye and I’m off to another dimension of space and time! lol
I have lil chicken scratches of things I think of and want to accomplish someday. I want a concert ukulele, but then I would like to try a zither or harp. I have heard the vibrations of musical instruments on the body help to center some, find a sense of peace, if you will. I re-tried to play guitar, but my hands were not strong enough to hold down the strings. We have a piano, which I mess around with, but it’s a lil big to have in my bed on bad days! So, I am looking for something small enough to keep with me. I need music in my life…
I figured by now I would be getting tired…NOPE. Just more goofy. Maybe it’s my meds. Ya that’s it, it’s my meds.
Hubby is no longer ‘softly’ snoring. Now he is buzz sawing it. It’s like razor blades being slid through my brain.
I just ordered a snoring mouthpiece thingy for him. I so hope it works or he will be back in sofa city soon. I see visions of me, a wrought iron skillet in hand, and his head. I am thinking ear plugs before that vision becomes reality!! I can still hear him even when he is in sofa city, even when I have my ipod on. The house shakes. I’m thinking it’s it the big one [cali, earthquakes], but no it’s just him…snoring! I have some earplugs from when I had my last MRI. They kind of rock. Better than the ones in the store. But they suck to sleep in. So, pray for the hubby that the mouthpiece works, or no more cal king bed for him!! mwaaaahhhhhhhh
OMG, so hubby is snoring. Not too loud now as the plugs are in, but now one of the 3 dogs just popped a HUGE bean and it stinks!! Holy man…where is the spray? rofl This is so life in my world. I love it! Loud and smelly and I would not change a thing. [maybe get some nose plugs too]
I need Mr. Sandman please. Hope he’s cute, maybe Gerard Butler cute. Maybe not, as no sleep would happen if he was my sandman!! YUMMY man!
Ok, so now going to go surf the net a bit more, maybe play a game or two and hope for sleep. For those who made it through my ramblings, bless you. You are brave! Now I bid you good-night!
We see at all the networking sites ‘What’s your status’ etc. Have you ever felt like putting ‘blank’?
I have had all kinds of things going on in my mind and all ready to blog them, then BAM nothing. I log in here get ready to blog and wooosh the thought go flying out like a birdie from it’s nest. Just flutters away.
Last night I could not sleep. So many things rattling around in my head. I felt like a bingo ball roller. I had all kinds of ideas to blog about today. Then sleep came and thoughts all gone. Usually, I will get up and write down the ideas on paper and then decipher them in the morning. But, last night it was so late and I was afraid I would wake someone up. I can remember bits and pieces of my thoughts, but they come out like a horror movie all over the place. My dreams can be very creepy due to some of the medications I have to take. I try to remember them so I can write them down, but somehow they are gone.
So, I wonder, if above all of our heads when we sleep is a ‘thought’ taker. A lil cloud that consumes your thoughts and dreams and teases you like a an older sibling. Putting it close to you, then snatching it away with an evil grin taunting you. You keep reaching for it an it gets pulled further and further from you. You strain to grasp it, but it always just out of reach.
So, one day, I purchased a voice recorder to ‘save’ my thoughts when I get them, but then realized, “Like that’s not gonna wake up the house?” For the daytime it’s great, but most of my thoughts and ideas come to me at night when the house is still and dark. The only lights are from my Mac screen and lit keyboard. It is then I can close my eyes and really hear myself. The occasional car passes outside with a hum of the tires on the road. Every now and then one of my furbabies makes a lil groan. Letting momma know they are there. Peaceful at last…
Maybe, in not having a thought and feeling blank, I found a thought and am no longer blank. Satisfaction!