Life can seriously get you down.  My newest issue, it’s the fear to go outside of my own home. I hadn’t left my home for months, and last time I left I had a little bit of an anxiety attack in my car. The day went downhill from there. I knew better but my car wouldn’t start my first thought was just stay the fuck home! BTW, if my words a little off because I’m using the speech program as it’s been really hard to type and honestly the speech programs aren’t what they say they are. I do know proper grammar, But sometimes what comes out on here isn’t what I actually said. And honestly, much too tired to go back through and fix it all so please bear with me!

My biggest issue, with not being able to go outside, is my baby sister is getting married in April at her bridal shower is this month. I would never miss it for anything! They may have to drug me to get me in the car to go, but all good as again I wouldn’t miss this for the world.

Wow! As I just read this over there are so many mistakes, and again I am so sorry for them but I really cannot type right now.

I know I’m not feeling well when I just do not want to get on the computer. Facebook is the last place I want to be right now. For a while, I think I’m just going to do some blogging on here and maybe share Facebook but not get involved too much right now as I really need a break, for me. All I want to do lately is to sleep. Depression maybe, yeah think so! I am working on getting out of my house slowly but surely. I actually went out the day after everything went crazy with my husband, and it was a little easier although I did want to get back home quickly!

Unless you have an anxiety attack, a real anxiety attack you have no idea what happens. I am so sick of the people that tell you to just breathe through it. Well you can’t fucking just breathe Through it! I had to leave my room at night out of my cozy bed and asleep in my recliner as my anxiety gets so crazy I do not want to wake up my husband. Then the breathing gets really erratic, start to sweat, the tears flow, and I just want the world to end! If it wasn’t for Valium I probably would’ve pulled all of my hair out of my head!

I hate how this affects my family, but it’s so hard to just let it all go. I try to keep it to myself, but it’s very very hard to do so. I know I have love I have friends and family, but in all honesty most people don’t want to hear about it. Most people don’t understand what it’s like to have your life taken away from you and end up in a wheelchair. Unless you’re in that situation, you really have no idea.

They say things happen for reason, I think that’s bullshit! If it were true then all of the murderers, the pedophiles, and scum in prison, would be stricken with these illnesses. So I’m sorry, but fuck that bullshit that things happen for reason!

Does it sound like an angry? Well I am angry, what’s going happen when the day comes that I wake up and can’t move,  I wake up and can’t speak. Who is going to help then, God! I don’t think so.

…………

Peace out kids!

Comments
  1. debjdarby says:

    ❤ :*( So sorry, Tracy. Maybe when the weather gets nicer, you'll do better going out?

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  2. Frannie says:

    Let it all out! We are here to listen. Sometimes it just helps to listen and not say anything. So I listened and now I’m not saying anything except I’m here for you to lend you an ear and read whatever you want to say. I don’t care about grammar. It’s all good, after all. I’m not the best at it either. If it weren’t for my spell check, I would probably have way more mistakes…lol. Anyway, Tracy, luv you my friend. (((Hugs)))

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  3. I am sorry Tracy you are going through this! I am always here for you by phone email or message on facebook. I love you ❤

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  4. I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through right now. It sounds so scary. I hate how people say dumb things like everything happens for a reason, or we are only given what we can handle. More like we have no choice but to handle what we are given. I hope you find some improvement.

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  5. Louise says:

    I know your pain well Tracy, I’ve been scared of going out alone for along time, it’s now got to the stage where I wont go out unless I’m with other people, I can’t cope in crowds – that’s another story. But for the now, it’s the whole feeling vulnerable thing, I know what it’s like when your source of mobility grinds to a halt and you’re left vulnerable, helpless and stranded… it’s one of those things that unless you’ve been through it, you can’t really explain what impact it has.. getting seriously lost somewhere, is possibly the closest thing I can use as an example that most people will get.
    As for things affecting your family, they will do, because they are your world, as you are theirs, and when you have day-to-day struggles, people that are a huge part of your life are going to see. Perhaps rather then trying to hide what’s there, find a way to talk to say how you feel, even if it’s by them reading your blog. As all penned in feeling do is build up and eventually erupt like a volcano, (And lets be honest they will see even hidden things, as they love you). so it’s probably best not to let them build, and find a way to communicate, even if it’s not always easy, it may end up being the ‘best route’.

    As for the ‘things happen for a reason’, I think it’s bollocks too, perhaps it’s a phrase that helps some people? Or people use because they think it might help, either way, when you’ve seen life and all it’s true colours the words mean nothing, and achieve nothing, apart from a quick way to ‘get your back up’.
    Anyway before I write you an essay, I’m here if you need a listening ear, a grumble, or a pillow to scream in 😉
    Huggles
    Louise (AKA Mai on FB xx)

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    • Tracy says:

      Please don’t even get me started on being in big crowd. LOL that makes me crazy noises just take my mind. Thank you for your listening here too! I know you get it. XO XO

      Like

  6. Vicki says:

    aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    I hate hearing your in pain like this honey – it’s heartbreaking and I hope it will ride out and you’ll feel better than this xxxxxxxxx

    Like

  7. Mary says:

    I feel sick right now that you have to deal with this shit, it makes me angry and sad that a beautiful person like you was dealt this..it is not fair and I pray every day that there will be a change for the better or a drug that will give you back some major happiness. Please know I am also here for you, in every way…e-mail, phone (I will send you my cell number through e-mail). You are not alone, dear friend!!

    Lots of love!! xoxoxo

    Like

  8. Peeper and I are sending along extra, extra big (((HUGS))) to our wonderful friend. You’ve been through so much for so many years, remember you have the love of your family and a lot of friends that care. XOXOXO!!!

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  9. Kathy says:

    Just what you need…one more drug! But… My doctor prescribed Viibryd. It’s a new designer anti-depressant. It worked wonderfully for my anxiety and no side effects (for me anyhow. I have a very rough time with ADs)!
    I’m so amazed by this. I’ve never really felt that ADs did anything. But after being on it for a couple of months I realized that things that used to create panic attacks are merely annoying. I love it! Hope you find something that works for you…hugs 🙂

    Like

  10. Tracy says:

    I think I’m going to have to ask my doctor about the medication you’re taking. Maybe that will work for me i take Effexor I think it’s run its course. Big hugs

    Like

  11. Neecie says:

    Hi Rain, ended up here on your site! you had posted on “Patrick the Miracle Dog”, giving a website that was about him. I found you instead. Amazing, no coincidences, God brought me. So, let me introduce myself. My name is Neecie. I was a Triple Type A person. Owned my own business, loved to workout! As in addicted, 2-3hours a day B4 going to my salon. After closing would go country line dancing for 3 hours, sweating like a pig, but so fun! I could write a to-do list and have it completed in record time! I got saved at 24 yrs.,1986. 3 weeks later, Thanksgiving, my wonderful 43 yr Mom diagnosed with terminal bone cancer. (God got me just in time as I was a practicing alcoholic) Helped her for 3 yrs until she went home with the Lord, 1989. I was blessed 2 B at her side praying the 23rd Psalm as she went! My life was grand. the 1 missing element, a husband! Enter, Robin Drew! 1997! Met at church. 1st date was on phone, from 10pm-6am! WOW! Really cool cuz took out physical. Really able 2 see/hear each others souls.. Next night real date. He left & I got on my knees thanking the Lord 4 my husband, Jan 4,1997. Engaged Feb 1997. Married April 1997! Perfect love with our Lord at the center. Perfect life from here on! Yeah! OOOPS! I don’t feel well. pain here, test=0. this hurts, test=0 on & on. So bad in 2? years get ready 2 go with friends, cancel & in the bed! tried keeping work outs and salon. soon had 2 close my 24 year salon. all the hard work-gone. All the lovely ladies sent 2 me by God that had become my Moms-gone. tried full schedule in my home-no could do! kept 10 lady’s. year or more down to 4. year or so had to QUIT! Give up, my physical & emotional self could fight no longer. Clinically disabled 2005? court ruling by judge. Anxiety, panic OH YEAH! I only leave home 1nc every 3mo 2 go pain Dr. 2008 GAVE UP! no workouts. Harder and Harder simple personal grooming. 2011=my beautiful blonde hair starts falling out! I see scalp every where! Have gained lotsa weight; Why? At 1st could have been stop exercise, but still eat healthy and can’t lose the weight. My poor sweet husband. Married a 10yr younger hood ornament LOL and in no time she closes business. Never goes out. 3 back surgeries! nerve damage,(BTW, on top of illness and diseases) Constant pain, cognitive issues from FM, extreme depression, cry all the time. He has taken over all responsibilities that are mine! I do still force me 2 do laundry. I encourage him to go as much as possible. Thankfully he is involved with mens’ ministry and can do alot with them. It is hardest for him when they have couples events. His executive high level job was eliminated Dec, 2011. 2012 started courses with ADT and is now a discipleship counselor. It is missionary work though so he needs to start fund raising. You mentioned little $, we are with you there 2! My salon was a great living itself. So,stopped that, $ all on him. His job is severed! Living on retirement & I’m only 50yr he is 61 yrs.It is hard 4 him there 2 cuz they have couples things. He fells single, always going everywhere alone! I feel so guilty! So, hope its ok 2 call you Rain? I really like that, if you don’t let me know. Sorry so long here. Wanted to give snapshot of “The me that is no more” I know I am alive…I am not living…HATE IT ALL OF IT! Like you feel all is gone and I REALLY want the REAL ME back. So no pithy comments or stupid remarks like Buck up, it will get better! I remember saying, “Well, at least it can’t get worse” BOOM…another bomb drops and by golly it actually is worse! Ha Ha Yippee and all that. My hands, oh &wrists, arms, shoulders, neck hurt. Very hard 2 type. try abbreviate everywhere. So right back at ya! Forgive the writing but anything 2 help right!? You R loved by me. I look 4ward 2 perusing your blog. Keep it up. Let me know if you would like 2 connect.

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