Fight or Flight?

Posted: May 21, 2011 in Depression, family, friendship, multiple sclerosis, Ramblings, RANDOM, Religion, sadness, sarcasm, strength
Tags: , ,

We all know what this means. In a crisis we either fight or we run. Which would you do? Lately I’ve been running or rolling as it would be. And I’m not a ‘roller’! I’ve always been a fighter. And definitely not a quitter, which is also what I have been doing as of late. I know that the fight is inside of me. I was physically attacked many moons ago in front of my apartment building. I fought and the guy ran away. So, I know the fight is there, I just need to find her again. This is not to say there will be many days I want to quit, but I am looking for my little fighter again. I know that if my PPMS were a person I would have kicked the shit of out her a long time ago. Fighting the MS will be tricky as ‘she’ is not a tangible being. But when has that stopped me before?

Look out Bitch!!

The past week has been very rough and it is not over yet. Hands still shaking, legs still weaker than normal, transferring is tough, fatigue is kicking my ass. I’m still quite depressed, as being in this fucking chair is really getting old. The first thing I see when awakening is my chair and it is the last thing I see when I go to sleep. A HUGE reminder that I am crippled. I think it is so hard because I know what it is like to walk, to be able to go when I please, have Independence… ALL of which was ripped out from under me, literally!

I am hoping the ‘fight’ in me comes back. I cannot make any promises as I have no idea what each day is going to bring. I am terrified of going to sleep as I never know when waking if my body will have finally succumbed to the MS. Will I wake up totally paralyzed? What then? I know there will be days and blogs where my pain will come through like a punch in the face, so be prepared.

I only have myself and my inner strength to count on. I know I have family and friends, but this fight is solely up to me. No one can ‘fix’ my emotions but myself. Some have suggested counseling… sorry but talking to someone in high heels and who is healthy is NOT for me. I do not care how many books they have read or how many people they know in a wheelchair, they are not living it so they have no clue! This is FACT not fiction!

Well the hands are getting weak and my head is staring to nod, so I’m out!

But, before I go, good luck with the Rapture! I know I’ll still be here tomorrow as will everyone else. Well, maybe not the quacks that believe this, hopefully they will go! 😛

xx, Tracy...

Comments
  1. Ruby Cantu says:

    I’m in tears as I read this, I want to call you but I have enough sense to know now is not the right time. Love you bunches.

    Like

  2. Deb Darby says:

    You can bitch me out all you want.
    I can take it if that’s what you feel like doing; but something hit me. You said that your chair is the first and last thing you see every morning and night. Maybe you could try keeping your eyes closed and picturing your favorite things for a few minutes in the morning and at night, too. The brain and the mind are pretty powerful for positive as well as negative. I hope it helps if you decide to try. ❤ to you and yours, MzT.

    Like

  3. Deb Darby says:

    oh and also…

    Like

  4. Neicy says:

    I love you MzT and you know this I am so praying for you as well as others who are suffering some kind of physical affliction that enables them to live a normal active so to speak life. Just know its not over yet!

    Like

  5. Vikki says:

    Xoxoxo

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  6. Woman, I won’t give up on you cuz I KNOW you have that fight in you, just like I do and so many others. Sometimes it hides, but it seems that just when you really need it the most, it will reappear. I love you and can’t wait to hear the news that you’ve found it again…..I KNOW you will.

    Like

  7. Kat says:

    I love you and I HATE the fact that we can not fight this for you.. If we could I’d be there in a heart beat kicking ass for you! Just know you are loved and I know you can do this!! (((hugs))) ❤ ❤

    Like

  8. Michelle says:

    Heyyyy girl!
    There u are! So glad that you’re feeling better. I can totally relate to the fight or flight thing…my flight has gone so guess what that leaves……… Sometimes it seems like that’s what I’ve had to do my whole life…and just when I find my soul-mate…well we’ve been together 11yrs now..but I just wanted us to be able to go places and do things now that the kids aren’t babies anymore…
    MS comes along and kicks my ass.
    Huggs Tracy..take care and just don’t give in…fight.

    Like

  9. Cathie says:

    Tracy, the “fight or flight”uses lots of energy and it gets tiring, but it doesn’t mean taking a break from it is giving up. It means you will have some energy for something else you value.

    Hugs,
    Cathie

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  10. Mary says:

    Good Morning, my beautiful friend!

    You are a fighter and that internal voice gives you the ability to kick MS’s ass when need be.

    Will there be fantastic days, yes…and the not so fantastic, yes….but the determined person that you are will go on.

    Trust me, I have been there, in different ways, but I know!!

    I love you too, and we all will fight the fight together!!

    ❤ ❤
    XOXO

    Like

  11. Tracy says:

    TY all. MS might be winning the battle, but I will win the war!!

    And my fight will be done slowly and safely… I will ‘try’ to not over do it!! lol

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Like

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