Tired…

Posted: May 14, 2011 in Darkness, Depression, lonliness, Ramblings, RANDOM
Tags: , , ,

I’m tired of the pain, tired of not being able to walk, tired of the fatigue, tired of the shakes, tired of the incontinence, tired of living…

‘We reap what we sow’. That is such a bullshit statement. If this were true, I would not be crippled. My girls Ruby and Tina would not be ill. If this were true, rapists, murderers, child molesters, animal abusers would actually be punished for their crimes. They would not be out on parole picking their next victims…

I constantly wonder what I EVER did to deserve this disease. If you believe in ‘The Secret’, I intended it. Well I’ve got a secret for you, ‘The Secret’ is bullshit! I think I’ll write a book on some ‘new’ form of religion. It seems anyone can and people actually follow it… like sheep!

I know this blog is quite random, but my mind is quite random right now. I cannot concentrate on any one thing or keep a thought going for too long. My hands keep shaking and I keep having to go back and fix my typing.

I keep hearing about quality of life. It’s the quality that matters. I have no quality of life. I am imprisoned in my home. Trapped like a caged animal. In my mind I am still able-bodied, able to walk and live my life. In reality, I’m crippled and trapped.

Trapped...

I do not like leaving my home. I feel safest here. My depression is paralyzing on it’s own. I feel lost and I’m terrified. I go to bed each night wondering if tomorrow is the day I wake up and nothing moves. My hands and feet have been numb for days. I can barely transfer on my own to my chair from my bed right now. Where is the quality? I don’t want the quantity…

Why am I here? And, NO, there is NOT a reason for everything!! There is no reason for my MS or the ways it has affected my family! Hope is fading…

Comments
  1. Lu says:

    Love you, T.

    Like

  2. Vikki says:

    Like

  3. Kathy says:

    There is no real reason why this crap happens, is there? Some people try to explain it, but…it just ain’t right. Thank you for your raw honesty. It is important in so many ways. Hang in there.

    Like

  4. Tammy says:

    No words

    just HUG

    Like

  5. Renee says:

    It isnt fair … there is no excplanation for what you or I go thu. Makes me doubt a lot of things … I will call you in a but …. Love you!!!

    Like

  6. Deb Darby says:

    :0(…it’s ok if your hope is fading. I’m keeping some for you. ❤ and hugs

    Like

  7. Ruby Cantu says:

    I hate this for you, I really do. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

    {{{{{♥♥♥♥♥}}}}}

    Love ya bunches.

    Like

  8. Michelle says:

    Huggggs Tracey…..nothin I can say….huggggs

    Like

  9. Love you and can relate. Sending hugs and hope for better days…..soon.

    Like

  10. Frannie says:

    <3<3<3
    (((Hugz)))

    Like

  11. Mary says:

    Much love and bear hugs…wish I could make it all disappear for you, it really hurts me to the core to see my friend suffer.

    We are all here, you are not alone!

    ❤ ❤
    xoxo

    Like

  12. Michelle says:

    Tracy,
    I hope you r feeling better. I’ve checked your blog now for a few days to see if you’ve written…..Things have been on a downhill slide here too. I can still walk..but it’s so much harder. My daughter graduated from 6th grade today…she was runnin around getting pictures taken with all her friends and their parents were zippin around behind them getting the pics….all I could do was stand there…i’m very clumsy and when places are crowded, i’m gonna for sure fall…or bump into people…my balance sucks. I hate ms. I see things slipping from me daily…. huggs Tracy.
    Take care. Come write and let us know how you’re doing K?
    Michelle

    Like

  13. Kat says:

    I REALLY hate this is happening to you! ♥ Hang in there love.. {{{hugs}}} xoxo

    Like

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