Anger · Fear · Health · HELL · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · Strength

My soul is tired but my will is strong…

Yesterday was an eye-opening experience for me being out of bed really for the first time since August 18, 2019. I am in so much pain today and sleep did not come easily last night. I now understand fully and completely that in-home therapy is not gonna help me at all. I need to be in a place where they re-train my body to move again and help me deal with the pain in my hips. It’s going to be a process and it has to be hard-core. I was up all night thinking about the night I fell on October 10, 2013 and how everything led up to where I am now. I need neurological physical therapy in a facility, NOT at home. I’m going to need the proper medications for the pain and I need to learn how to move again. When I say I’m like a newborn baby, I’m not being sarcastic. I know it’s hard to believe. 😊 I am now going to make an appointment with the neurologist so he gets on board with my pain management doctor about hard-core rehab. The ambulance service comes early Friday morning to take me to my pain management doctors appointment. I’m scared to death. I was only in my chair for a couple of hours and the edema was so bad yesterday it really freaked me out. I’ve never had it that bad. I know that I’m going to be in a lying down position, but that’s how my legs were yesterday I think it was more about the upper half of my body. I don’t even know how to explain it. What I have realized is if something doesn’t happen quickly I’m seriously screwed. I don’t think it’ll ever come back. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move right again unless something happens now. They’re hoping that I am too ill and too tired to fight. We all know it’s about money not about anybody’s health or well-being. I am tired. I am fed up. I am so close to breaking. But unfortunately for them, that’s when my strength shows up! This IS life or death for me. That’s not an overstatement! If something doesn’t change quickly I will not be here much longer. My body is breaking more and more every minute I’m trapped in this bed. Somethings got to give!! I know I know this is really in your face. But I will never back down from this because it is my life! I’ll say that again, this is my life! so now it’s time to get all my ducks in their proverbial row, get to all my doctors appointments via stretcher, and bring it! I’m seriously tired just thinking about it. Please universe give me strength!

Wait till they get a load of me! 😈

Have courage and be kind.

5 thoughts on “My soul is tired but my will is strong…

  1. No situation however bad is a match for a strong will, keep fighting warrior. I can’t wait for that part where you write, “hey guys, I did it.. ” all best, sending you love and healing 💕🤗

    Liked by 1 person

      1. My goodness I thought you were talking about me the date that broke me was 10/12/2019 as your was so close as well I think great strength comes to those for bigger and better things & so I ask God what are ? are plans ? And our strength that will carry us & one day ONE we will look back and say I did it I did that the mess that should have broken us 🥀❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I can feel you. I would have laid down in front of a freight train if I could move. I went in for a sciatic nerve. Ended up with a cage part of my spine scraped out 1 bone cut in 1/2 and put between vertebrae. Stayed in rehab 21 days after 9 Days hospital. I was flat of my back 14 months. Begged to see the doctor to busy. Cried. Every day. . In December they did do X-rays my insurance nurse sent me to 2nd doctor. April. He showed me the results of X-rays. . January Dr. 1 got these results . The cage and 4 screws were laying on my spine. He didn’t even look at them. The new doctor put in new cage, vertebra, 6 screws. Went to rehabilitation as soon as I could tolerate sitting in a wheelchair. Water therapy treadmill in water. Went to crawling, wheelchair, walker and walking.. It still hurts from nerve damage, but thank God bless I can walk. Now my pacemaker is needing changed 6 months. 1/2 my heart dead but luckily is firing side. But one lead functioning at 2 %. Can’t remove them grown into heart. So much more but I am here and I hope they can fix me. 4th pacemaker. God says don’t worry 365 times. One a day. Put your trust in Him. Really pray. Sincerely believe and he will answer. He has brought me through so much it amazes me. I was so depressed. So many doctor bills. My husband sorta took care of me but he drinks from when I go to bed til morning. Then sleeps all day. Sometimes he comes in and keeps me up hours just complaining about something stupid and doesn’t remember it. I would be alone but praying about it I have 3 beings to lift me up. Give them a chance and stand and wait. In His time life will get better if you listen to the spirit. Yes, He will get His message to you. I am waiting on Him. He never lets you down.

    Liked by 1 person

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