Epiphany? Wicked wake up call…

Posted: June 5, 2010 in anger, Darkness, Depression, Fear, hope, love, multiple sclerosis, Pain, Paleolithic Diet, Ramblings
Tags: , ,

It all started with an email from my hubby that had me in tears. I knew it was time to take it, my life, back from my illness[s]. He is suffering emotionally and physically due to my illness. I finally realized that once upon a time, I said I would not let my disease[s] take me over. I realize now, I have done just that. I have literally stopped trying and have been letting it all take me away from me. Almost like I am laying down to die. The ‘why bother’, the ‘who cares anyway’. This person is NOT me! I am and have always been a fighter. I do not give up on things. It may take me a bit to finish certain things in my life, but I will finish them in the end. I am no quitter.

I have Primary Progressive MS, spastic colon, incontinence, degenerative disc disorder, prone to anxiety attacks, depression [sometimes severe], esophagus issues, pain, tremors, and too many little things that come with all this to mention. BUT, I can work with some of these. Food is my biggest enemy. Gluten, soy, dairy, certain veges and seed items are bad for Autoimmune disorders. They can cause terrible problems for me. Processed foods, and fake sugars and fake fats are bad as well. I know this and almost 2 years ago I changed my lifestyle and cut out the crap foods and learned to eat the right way. No supplement drinks, pills, or ‘fake’ foods. I lost over 20 pounds and felt great. No, it did not make me walk again, no it did not cure me, but it sure helped my overall emotional self. My stomach issues all about disappeared.  My fatigue lessened. I still had my not so great days, bu they were much fewer.

So WTF happened?? I gave up. I gave in. I got down one day and let it take me over and went back to my old habits. Gained the weight back and all the good things that happened faded. I could not find my way back. Now, I am  not saying this was a bad thing or even that I won’t have bad days again. I am saying that I am going to work at getting ME back. Fighting this wicked disease that has crippled me and do everything I can TO find my way back.

And it all began from the email from my  hubby. He loves me, completely and true. But, he started losing himself. Sadness and fear overtook him. The worry for me was killing him. I was letting my disease kill me slowly. I was not seeing what it was doing to him and my children. I was lost in my MS. I knew as I read that letter that I needed to take a stand against my MS. I got up and got my ass over to me motorized pedaler and got to work. I lifted my small weights and am slowly getting back to eating the way humans are supposed to eat. Not the way the BS food industry says we should eat. They do not care about us, they care about selling shit food to us and making money off of us. NO more.

Will I slip? Will I have bad days ahead? Will I lose myself again? Maybe! But that’s ok. It’s all about baby steps.

Baby steps here…

to be continued…

Comments
  1. Tina Sickinger says:

    We can’t give in!!! You are a strong and fabulous woman Tracy, and I know you can do it. I look to you for strength and so admire you for who you are. Like you said, baby steps sweetie and all will be ok. I’m here if you need anything….ANYTHING at all. Love you girl and send my love to Roger and the kids.
    XOXOXO

    Like

  2. I love you so much.

    Like

  3. Lu says:

    Tracy, I don’t have the host of illnesses you suffer, but the depression that makes you say, “Why bother?” Oh yeah, been there. I’ve taken the steps necessary to get myself out of that place and to find “me” again, and I am SO HAPPY to hear you have as well. You’ve gotten a raw deal, but you *are* a fighter! I am so proud to call you my friend. xoxo

    Like

  4. coachmombabe says:

    What ever you need from me, you got it! I don’t know “how you feel”, but I will support you as much as I possibly can. Making some of the same sort of changes today myself, so maybe this is providence?

    I ditto all the above sentiments! ❤

    Like

  5. Heidi says:

    Mo… the kids and I love you so much. Remember that little warrior who stands beside you always… he doesn’t quit either. Like you, he has amazing strength! You inspire so many people! We all love you Trace!!

    Like

  6. Vicki Day says:

    We all stubble and fall honey but you’re not alone – let your friends help you back up – what can we do to ease the burden ?
    Just remember we are here for you – maybe a million miles away in some case but we are here honey xxx

    Like

  7. Shady says:

    Tracy,

    Ever since I have known you online your quote has been te same “When the world say, “Give up.” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time!”. You still have it in you to try, you just got lost. Baby steps count, and may be the best way to do anything even when we are capable of bigger strides. Hang in there, we all love you.

    Melissa

    Like

  8. R. G. Maines says:

    Tracy,
    You are an exceptional woman. You inspire, you lead by example, you are strong and assertive.

    Most of all, you are HUMAN! You are allowed to have bad days, days when you let your ‘guard’ down and just “be” in whatever mood you happen to be experiencing.

    Anyone with chronic illness knows that ‘fighting’ your illness and pain can be exhausting and sometimes overwhelming. Don’t kick yourself too hard for ‘feeling’, experiencing and expressing those feelings.

    You’re right, baby steps are the key, small, short term goals are the easiest to achieve and the most satisfying.

    Life is full of peaks and valleys, don’t be too hard on yourself for getting stuck in a valley for a bit.

    You are loved! I know, cuz I love you.
    (((Hugs))) oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

    Like

    • Tracy says:

      Robin, TY my friend!!

      I’ll still have my whiny bitch posts, I’m sure, but hoping to lessen them.

      I just realized that those blogs were becoming my whole life, and when I read the email from my hubby it opened my eyes to all I was doing to myself. His email was beautiful and made me re-think my choices.

      I’m so luck to have people like you in my life as well. I loves ya my friend!!
      xoxo

      Like

  9. Kathy says:

    Baby you ROCK! I’m sooo stoked to read this!!!

    Just a thought…Post this thing up where you can see it every day so you have a constant reminder as to WHY you are so motivated to get yourself back. And keep us updated. I am all ears!

    Kickin’ butt and taking names, Miz Tracy!! Way to go!

    Like

  10. Frannie says:

    ALL OF THE ABOVE!!! everyone has such great words and wisdom that I cannot possibly put It any better. Baby steps Tracy, just know that you have true Friends here for you.

    (((Hugz)))
    Loves ya

    Like

  11. Ruby Cantu says:

    I hope you know how much you mean to me, your friendship, the laughs we share, our pity parties…all of it, LOVE ya!! Miss talking to you, but we will for sure catch up this week.

    Like

  12. Deb Darby says:

    Atta GIRL, T! Don’t look back. All we have with certainty is today, so we might as well make the best of it that we can and get back up when we feel knocked down (Chumba Wumba! ;0). I know it’s hard for Roger to feel that you’ve given up. He must be so proud of you. Love, Deb

    Like

  13. oppozitesattract says:

    You truly inspire me!!!! You are such a strong person. I know that you will find your way to finding YOU again!!! Tracy, I hope you don’t mind, but I had my hubby read this blog… He’s been going thru similar situations… As his wife it has been so hard to watch him… You just go thru so many different emotions…. “He loves me, completely and true. But, he started losing himself. Sadness and fear overtook him. The worry for me was killing him.” I can sooooo relate to this…. 😦

    Thank you for sharing!!!!

    (((HUGZ)))

    Virginia

    Like

  14. Dodie says:

    I’m here for you Tracy. I swear it seems so many times like everything you put down in words is exactly what I want to say.
    I read this to my hubby last night because with my muscular dystrophy, scoliosis, and ovarian cancer…he goes through hell too.

    Love you hun!

    Like

  15. Marya1961 says:

    This made my day, Tracy…you have so many awesome friends who stand beside you, love you and will be with you through it all..keep on smiling, love! XO

    Like

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