Category: HELL

HELL · Love · Ramblings · RANDOM

Life is good – Randomosity

Tracy15 Comments

It’s all in how you look at it really.

As many of you have read, I spilled wax on my favorite pair of UGG slippers that were given to me as a gift from an ‘inspiring’ woman. No one can remove the wax. It was too much and too deep in the sheepskin. So, my heart was broken. Today, a Zappos box came. Inside were a new pair of UGG slippers. The only difference is the color. My husband ordered them for me when he realized the others could not be saved. I was so socked as my hubby is awesome, but never thought he would do this. He thinks my shoes fetish is nutzzz. lol I was also a tad sad as my other pair are from someone I so adore. I will not throw them out. I packed them back in their box and am hoping that at some point there will be something to clean them.

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Last week I actually got new pieces on my site A Fabulous Flair . Since my Hospital stay I have hibernated in my room. So, I pulled up my bootstraps and created! It felt so good to get something done and finished.

Brownie Blues

One of my new pieces. I just love the brown and blue together! If you find something you like, mention my blog and get 10% off.

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I also have gone through the break-up of a friendship. I have come to the realization that her ‘throwing’ me away was the best thing ever! I feel so much more positive and that old adage, ‘a weight was taken off my shoulders’. It is true, once toxic is gone, you feel so much better. The negativity is gone, the back stabbing and back talking is gone. I always felt so drained after speaking with her. Now, I am full! So, I guess I should say thanks. I wish her the best of everything and hope she can truly find her peace.

PEACE!

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I would like to ask you all for prayers today. A good friend, BFF Kat, needs some good thoughts, blessings, prayers whatever you do. She had to put her doggy down last week which was so hard for her. Then she had to have some tests done. Something in the test was found and she has to go back for additional testing. Please keep her in your heart for a good outcome. She is an amazing friend, mommy, and wife. I feel in my heart it will be ok, but extra blessings can never hurt!! I loves ya my mini-me!!

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Blessings and Hope!

Craziness · Family · Health · HELL · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm · Strength

Making it Through the Rain…

Tracy17 Comments

This blog is my blog. It is for me to share my life with my friends and my family and anyone who has an interest. It is to tell the stories of a crazy lady living with MS…moi!

When all the crap happened to me at the hospital I used it, MY blog, to reach out to my readers for support through a time that encompassed my world in a not so good way. I never wanted nor asked for your sympathy or pity. That’s not what I want. I needed…NEEDED support and friendship. That is why I shared my experience with you all.

This past year I have progressed more than any year previous, but still found the humor and tried to always add something in my blogs for a giggle. Even in my Hell Hospital blogs I tried to add humor.

During my stay in the big house, I was informed that I have acquired 3 new active lesions on my spine. With all the hospital terror and the issues of late, I put that aside and put it to the back of my mind. I am terrified of what these lesions could mean. No one can really give me a definitive answer. Is this the reason I can no longer use my walker and rely on my wheel-chariot now more than ever? Am I on my way to total paralysis? Again, no one knows. But either way I will deal with it as it comes. My inner spirit is strong.

There may be days I will be down, happens when you have a chronic illness that takes from you every day. But, as I have said before, NEVER confuse my tears or sadness for weakness as you will be wrong. I am strong in mind, heart, and soul. I do make it through the rain EVERY day of my life. I  do this with the help of my family and my friends that accept me for who I am and not what they want me to be.

I was told I look for sympathy and feel sorry for me cards [whatever the fuck that meant]. In this case this was one of the ‘the pot totally calling the kettle black’ things. Sympathy and the feel sorry me BS is something I have no time for.

This is a blog about a woman who lives with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. Of course there will be blogs that might be a tad depressing. DUH!!! But, you will always find HOPE in my writings. I end every blog with ‘Blessings and Hope’! Why, because there always is Hope!!

I am only me, and will no longer apologize for that! No one should ever apologize for being who they are.

So, here it is, take me as I am and I will do the same for you. If you feel I have wronged you, talk to me, come to me and I will show you the same courtesy. I am not a liar as I have no reason to lie.  I am not a manipulative person, but have found that many have tried to manipulate me. Do not do it again!!

I will now be back to my former sarcastic, a bit crazy, mentoring blogging in hopes that maybe I can help someone in a similar situation. Maybe we can help each other. And btw, I do still make some wicked tasty lemonade from the lemons life has given me.

Thank you for being here and reading me. As new details arise regarding the hell hospital situation, I will update. [if you do not want to read em, then move the fuck on] 🙂

And, as always…

Blessings and Hope!!

Anger · HELL · PAIN

Wanting me to be real…

Tracy28 Comments

WARNING!!!! “F” bomb alert!!

So for many years I hid my pain in jokes, sarcasm and laughter. It was easier for me and less upsetting for those around me. So many people told me, “Be Real” “Tell the truth about your pain” “Ask for help”…

So, in the past year or so I tried this route only to have it thrown back in my face. Now, when I show my pain, being real, I’m told it’s for sympathy, poor me shit. REALLY! Fuck off please. I have never asked for anyone’s pity, sympathy or the poor me pour me a drink bullshit! Yet for years I listened to others pain and tried to help in any way I could. Now I’m the bad person. Again I say Fuck off please.

Then I got the, I’ll show people the real you, I’ll copy and paste emails. Really, go ahead doctor up your emails. you are the only one that will look like a childish buffoon. As for the ‘people’ who talk the shit and tell the lies…come forward, say it to me. But no, you just block me as you know damn well I will say it to your face, no need to lie or go behind any ones back. That’s all of your jobs. And for those who talked all the shit to this person, de-friend me, block, stay the fuck away from me. You are liars and pathetic. So, you all deserve one another. And if it’s who I think it all is, stop emailing me as well with your BS about this said person. Just leave me the fuck alone. Get rid of my email, my phone numbers etc., oh and grow the FUCK up! You all know who you are and you all know the ‘real’ truth.

I truly hate being this person, this angry person. And after this, hopefully these 2 faced ignorant assholes will back the fuck off and move on. I have not changed and am the same person I have always been. Love me or leave me. Ask me a question and I will tell you the truth.

I am sorry for those reading this and seeing me being this angry person, but I am so tired of being certain people’s punching bag. I have enough of my own problems, health and otherwise, so it is time this was said. I will not allow any of you to hurt me and cause me to become ill due to all the stress. And if you feel the need to comment here again, it won’t come through. If any of ya feel the need to email me, it won’t be read. So don’t waste your time or energy. Just FUCK off please.

I know the person I am and the friend I am, maybe you should look in the mirror and figure out who you are. Remember each time you point your little finger at me there are 3 pointing back at you.

I pray for you and hope that one day you will find the happiness and peace you need. I have my peace and my happiness in my family and my real friends. So really there is no need for you or room for you anymore.

When it all falls apart…I won’t be here next time. Once bitten, twice shy!!

And now I am done and will be back to my REAL self free from the toxic people that have no place in my world!

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Blessings and Hope!!

Damn it feels good to purge!!!

Fear · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · Strength

It is TIME!!

Tracy8 Comments

I have been hoping that the hell hospital would actually care about how I was treated there. Not so much!! Yesterday I received a letter from their Director of patient and guest relations. A basic, “We are sorry we did not meet your expectations, the nurse has been spoken to, and in the future we hope to meet your expectations.

click on letter to enlarge

I never even spoke to this person and she didn’t seem to feel the need to contact me personally. I have not slept a full night since my time there. I cannot leave my home. I can barely exit my room. I have been living in my pj’s and sleep most days since my nights are full of bad dreams. Here is the new one from last night:

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As she awakens she feels pain, her arms sensitive to the touch. She looks down and sees small blood ‘spots’ from all the IV’s that did not work. Please no more. They laugh at her from the end of her bed. Their laughter is deafening and she wants to escape. Her wheelchair is no where to be seen. She drops to the floor and tries to crawl away from them. She feels hands all over her body, pinching, blood, laughter. Their faces are hidden by shadows, she closes her eyes so not to see. Wake up she tells herself, wake up, it’s just a dream, they cannot hurt you anymore. But like monsters under your bed, they will never leave. She opens her eyes, they are gone, she falls into the darkness…

March 5, 2010

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That one woke me up around 2 am. Falling back to sleep was impossible. I feel so lost.

All I asked was that they find a way for people having these types of procedures to be allowed a private area for the cleansing process. To re-train nurses for IV insertions. To take care of my part of the bill for my hellish stay. [which is not going to break their bank] Not to charge my insurance for the 1st colonoscopy that they knew would not take and the IV insertion that was not even in my vein. I was told that someone would get back to me and my concerns would be taken to the proper sources. This was on February 22, 2010. Yesterday, I assume, was my answer. A generic, Sorry.

I have left message for two Attorneys thus far. I did not want to have go here, but they leave me no choice. I guess they figure people will give up as they do not have the time, the energy, or the support. Well, I have the time, energy [maybe not], support, all kinds.

Blessings and Hope!

Fear · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis

Bring me to Life…

Tracy13 Comments

As I read through my Hell hospital blogs I get the chills. For some reason the thoughts, the memories will not leave my mind. I can see it all as if I am still there. Humiliation, fear, and so many more emotions. My mind goes 1000 miles a minute at bedtime and my sleep is not going so well. I know time will help to erase some of it, but how much time?

I actually, for the first time in over 3 weeks, did my hair and dressed in clothes. [real clothes, not pj’s] I was going to leave my house and go to the store for the first time since the hospital horrors. Didn’t happen. As the time drew near to go I had a panic attack. The thought of being away from my ‘safe haven’, near my tinkletorium, made me physically ill. Xanax didn’t even help. [ya know you’re in trouble when Xanax doesn’t work!] 😛

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Still waiting for some kind of call back from the HH. Talked to them on February 22, and still waiting. How long is it going to take for them to let me know what they are going to do about this?

Is it time for the Attorney? Many are telling me, YES! Is that the only way to get them to listen, to provide quality care for their patients? Now I have some thinking to do on the matter. So, now we wait…

Blessings and Hope!

HELL · Ramblings

So tired…

Tracy5 Comments

When I got offline today [9am] to watch a movie and rest, I had no idea I would sleep until 10 minutes ago [7:35pm]. And, I am ready to go back to sleep in a few minutes. The World passed me by today…

I guess maybe I need/needed it and will probably do it again tomorrow. My day of the walker use is back to the chariot. Legs will not cooperate. I feel it is the complete and total stress from dealing with and waiting to see what hell hospital is going to do, and not getting much sleep from all the nightmares. I will blog all about it when they let me know!

I look at it this way, I can catch up on movies I’ve missed, cuddle with my fur babies and make-up for the sleep the nightmares have been awaking me from. Good times!! 😛

Nigh nite!

Blessings and Hope!

Craziness · HELL · Hope · Ramblings

The Voices in My Head

Tracy5 Comments

My PR buddy, Ruby, was saying how she wants the voices in her head to quiet down. So, I replied to have her voices tell my voices to shut the Hell up!!

blah blah blah
hmmmm

My insomnia is bad enough, and then add the voices and sleep is so hard to come by. I think about what to blog, my website over haul, my Hell hospital visit, and the list goes on. Not even my good meds can shut them up. What good are they then. 😛

Today is overcast and a tad dreary…just how I like it. lol Hoping for some rain. It’s a tad cold, but my comfy bed is warm so that is where I am.

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On a good note:

Since I got home from Hell hospital I have had to use my wheel-chariot 100% of the time. Usually I can get to my bathroom using my walker. [18.2 feet] Well the other day I made it one way, but needed my chair to get back. Last night I realized my chariot was almost out of juice, so I had to try to use my walker again. Woot Woot, I made it back and forth from my tinkletorium!! Go me, go me!! So, now I will be trying to use my walker for the short walk again. Hopefully my legs will keep working for a while longer to be able to do this. It may not be a far walk, but it’s still a walk!! 🙂

As for Hell hospital, no one has returned my calls since last week. Guess they figure I’ll let it go…rofl!! Me, let something go!! OMG, they do not know who they are dealing with!! lol Bastards! So, now I will call them back again and again until they take care of the issue at hand. If ‘S’ told them she did not treat me that way, I will go to that hell hole and face her. I so do not ever want to go back there, but I will for this.

Now I am going to try to get caught up on a few things, and then rest for a bit.

Join me at 10am PST today here, for a gr8 show!!

Blessings and Hope!!

Fear · HELL

Fear…

Tracy12 Comments

My Radiology reports are ready to be picked up from the Hospital. Roger went to get them as I cannot go near that place. I get chills even thinking about it. Is this was fear feels like? I have felt fear before for tangible, reasons but never for thoughts going through my head.

make it stop!
make it stop

My sleep is off, I wake up nightly from nightmares. WTF!! This does not happen to me. Getting to sleep is hard enough with all the thoughts running through my head. [yes, I do think occasionally] 🙂 Forget about falling back to sleep after a hospital nightmare. It is the same one here, almost nightly with small differences. So not cool!

I’m not sure what to do or where to begin anymore. My MS counselor got me on track with making a list. So, yesterday I made a list of to-dos regarding what I want done due to this terror. As I do them I am checking them off. It did help a bit to calm my mind, but then it comes back at me like a locomotive.

When diagnosed with MS it took so much from me. I fought, and fought hard to regain some of myself from it. After this horrifying experience, I feel like I am right back there again. When will it get any better? Will I ever go back to me?

Blessings and Hope!

**Update – Got all the films, but no written report that WAS asked for. REALLY!! WOW!

Health · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Strength

Hell Hospital – Part 5 going home…

Tracy14 Comments

January 29 – February 4 – Antelope Valley Hospital, Lancaster California. Second Floor East.

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Once back and settled in the nurse came into her room and said she was discharged. Her last meds were an anti-D, tummy pill, and a uti pill. Since she was discharged, no more for pain. And she was in some pain. The nurse tech, K, brought her some jello. [had not eaten much in 3 days and was starving] She had asked for, at least, a soft meal before she had to leave. Finally a meal, a regular meal, was brought to her. She had a few bites, but it was making her a tad ill. What part of soft meal did they not get? Bottom line, she was discharged so they could give a shite. After a mix up over a facet block she had thought they were going to do for her degenerative disc disorder, she just wanted out of there and fast!!

Her hubby had to go back home and get their van and her WC. Once he got back, he packed her up and got her into the WC. They said it would be a few before someone could take her out. ROFL!! NO NEED, I have my own chair and am out of here!! Her hubby could not roll her out fast enough.

When she got home she fell into her bed asleep for 6 hours. Upon awakening she had chills, skin crawls, and fear. Withdrawals from 6 days of Dilaudid IV injections every three hours and no weaning down, just sending home. It only takes 3 days to cause this and she was on it for 6. She wanted, needed more. She had Dilaudid pills so she took one along with a Xanax to calm her nerves. After some research on her hubbies part, he found out that Valium is used to help withdrawal sxs from this type of medication issue. In her case, she was lucky. Due to her MS she had Valium to help her sleep when needed. She took it from Thursday night until Monday morning for the withdrawals to finally subside.

Her issue is this, what about those that do not know this or have help for it? Even with the Valium it was a very scary feeling. How can a hospital, any hospital send people home without weaning medications down?? Irresponsible.

But that part of her nightmare was over, she was out of Hell Hospital, through the withdrawals, and home with the people who love her. She felt lucky, but what about those who do not have the support? What do they do? Who helps them through?

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This is the reason for these blogs. I will not back down and they will have to make changes.

I have spoken to the hospital representative and the head of nursing. I’m not sure what they think. They have not contacted me to let me know if anything is being done. I WILL be contacting them back as this is not going to go away. De-humanization, incompetence, and straight out uncaring service should never be tolerated. If I have to talk to the Head of the hospital, I will. If They need me to come in because S says it is not true, I will come in and face her with the truth. I am not under medication anymore, I am still having issues in my heart with the treatment I received, but I will face anyone who says it is not true. The truth WILL prevail.

I am finding me way back day by day. Will I ever be the same ‘me’ again, no. Being de-humanized takes part of your soul from you. Does this make me a weak person? NEVER! I will be strong with the truth and will do anything I need to do to stop this treatment. I will take this all the way.

I just want the ‘nightmares’ to stop…

Blessings and Hope!

***NOTE – my Dilaudid pills have been crushed and put into used coffee grounds to soak the med out and thrown away. After taking the one at home, I wanted them gone!

Fear · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings

In Dreams – Hell Hospital

Tracy9 Comments

Due to my Hellish Hospital stay, I think this dream says it all. I have been having it more than I would like to.

She slowly wheels her chair down the corridor, doors pass, she can hear the laughter, she follows the sound. It is getting louder, the laughter, the muffled voices, she is getting closer, she is at the door. People in scrubs all around, faces lost, standing around the bed, someone is in the bed. She is crying through the sounds of laughter. Her face is cloudy, her face is coming clear. She is no longer in the wheelchair, she is in the bed, crying. Please someone help me…

©February 6, 2010

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Blessings and Hope!