Nuff said!
Love and Light!!
Category: Sarcasm
Fight or Flight?
We all know what this means. In a crisis we either fight or we run. Which would you do? Lately I’ve been running or rolling as it would be. And I’m not a ‘roller’! I’ve always been a fighter. And definitely not a quitter, which is also what I have been doing as of late. I know that the fight is inside of me. I was physically attacked many moons ago in front of my apartment building. I fought and the guy ran away. So, I know the fight is there, I just need to find her again. This is not to say there will be many days I want to quit, but I am looking for my little fighter again. I know that if my PPMS were a person I would have kicked the shit of out her a long time ago. Fighting the MS will be tricky as ‘she’ is not a tangible being. But when has that stopped me before?
The past week has been very rough and it is not over yet. Hands still shaking, legs still weaker than normal, transferring is tough, fatigue is kicking my ass. I’m still quite depressed, as being in this fucking chair is really getting old. The first thing I see when awakening is my chair and it is the last thing I see when I go to sleep. A HUGE reminder that I am crippled. I think it is so hard because I know what it is like to walk, to be able to go when I please, have Independence… ALL of which was ripped out from under me, literally!
I am hoping the ‘fight’ in me comes back. I cannot make any promises as I have no idea what each day is going to bring. I am terrified of going to sleep as I never know when waking if my body will have finally succumbed to the MS. Will I wake up totally paralyzed? What then? I know there will be days and blogs where my pain will come through like a punch in the face, so be prepared.
I only have myself and my inner strength to count on. I know I have family and friends, but this fight is solely up to me. No one can ‘fix’ my emotions but myself. Some have suggested counseling… sorry but talking to someone in high heels and who is healthy is NOT for me. I do not care how many books they have read or how many people they know in a wheelchair, they are not living it so they have no clue! This is FACT not fiction!
Well the hands are getting weak and my head is staring to nod, so I’m out!
But, before I go, good luck with the Rapture! I know I’ll still be here tomorrow as will everyone else. Well, maybe not the quacks that believe this, hopefully they will go! 😛
Being in a Wheel-Chariot…
SUCKS!!
Just thought I’d share! 😛
Giving up…
Those two words are not an option for me. I have three wonderful children that need me and a husband that loves me. So how does one deal with the emotions when their whole soul says, I want the pain to stop?
I wish I knew. Last night it felt like my bones were trying to some through my skin. I know no other way to explain it. My skin was crawling and my emotions were flying all over the place. What was I doing when this happened? Trying to go to bed. Yup, that’s it, just trying to sleep. WTF!!! Roger was trying his best to comfort me, dd#3 was scared and dd#2 was lying in bed holding on to me and crying.
I got so pissed. This MonSter isn’t only screwing up my life, it is killing my kids. I screamed at God, I screamed at the MS. If either were human in front of me, they’d be dead now!! If you wanna mess with me, go for it, but DO NOT mess with my kids. My faith is gone and nothing anyone says is going to change that for me. I believe in a ‘higher power’ but that’s it. And do not try and preach it to me… please. I’m no longer in the ‘politically correct’ mode. Okay, I never really have been, but now you’ll just piss me off.
I have no issue with the ‘believers’ out there. Keep it to yourself and we’ll get along fine. Push it on me and we will not.
I’m angry, I’m depressed, I’m fat, I’m lonely, I’m in pain [emotional and physical]. It’s not going to go away like the flu or a cold. I deal with it as best I can. I do not want to hear about that person with MS who ran the marathon, or any other success story. Not to be rude about it either, but they most likely have rrms and are in remission and have the funds to be able to do these things. I’m not and I don’t. I’m happy for them, but do not want to be compared to them. We are ALL different in our disease.
I am and have always been a fighter… MS HAS won the battle, but the war is still on!
Charlie Sheen and his YES friends
As I watch the videos Charlie is making on line I wonder what his friends are really thinking. The ‘Goddesses’ and the people at the round table at his home. Then I realize, they are thinking what he wants them to. Well maybe on the outside, but on the inside what are they thinking. Like Lindsay Lohan, maybe if their friends actually told them what they look like to others and how their craziness is making them look like ‘Trolls’, maybe they would listen. But YES friends will not do that for fear of losing their ‘celebrity’ friendships.
When Lindsay was doing her ‘thing’, I was waiting to hear friends say, “STOP!” But it seems no one had the balls to do so. Now with Charlie and his YES friends, it is the same sad story. They make comments like, “I’m behind him in whatever he needs to do”, “He’s right.”, etc. I read comments on his videos of all the people saying he is a genius, and Shakespeare had nothing on him!! WTF, are you kidding me. This is brown nosing at its finest.
Shitty, shitty, suck, suck… one of his new lines. And some say Shakespeare has nothing on him! Really. We’ve got, “Duh!”, we’ve got, “Winning!”, and then we have nonsensical words coming out of his mouth. If anything, Shakespeare is rolling over in his grave. This a side show in a circus and people are just waiting for the next police call of domestic violence.
I’m waiting for him to come right and say… “Duh. I’m God!” Far fetched, I think not. He is spiraling downward.
Then I keep going back to, he is an actor and a damn good one. Is this all an act? Charlie if you want your own reality show, then do it. You say you need no one and you do it all on your own, well then do it and stop making such an ass out of yourself.
I sit and wonder why this bothers me so. I think it’s because [as stated in a previous blog] that he has it all. There are people out there that would love to be in his shoes and would have been ecstatic to get 2 million an episode. What a talent he has… Charlie, use your ‘tigers blood’ powers for good, not evil!
As for your YES friends Charlie Sheen, dude if you were broke these people would be no where near you. Get a clue and take your life back. Talk to people with the backbone to tell you no and follow through with that no.
In all honesty, I feel sad for him. As I sit here in a wheelchair, with a disease that is slowly progressing, I realize how blessed I truly am. What a lonely man he must be.
Troll…
Can you see the resemblance?
Haters…
“Don’t try to win over haters. You’re not the Jackass Whisperer.”
Thanks to my friend Vicki for this amazing quote!
Once a jackass, pretty much always a jackass. I do believe that people can change… some people. But, not everyone can or will change. There are just some people that thrive on being assholes. Come one, you know it’s true. And I’m sure we all know one or two or even three people like this. And please, no bleeding hearts here. You know the , ‘maybe they had a bad childhood, bad day, etc!’ No, maybe they are just assholes!! I will go with maybe they are genetically fucked up. That can happen. But, mostly back to, maybe they are just assholes!
So the next time you try and be a good person and be the “Jackass Whisperer”, STOP… really you are just wasting your time!
Here I sit…
broken hearted… lmao!! No, not going there!! This is not a public restroom wall!
Seriously, here I sit at my laptop updating, playing in FB, getting iTunes ready for hubbies new iPhone. I just did the kids breakfast dishes and got some jewelry things cleaned. Now what? I’m staring at my blog screen with nothing. Roger will sometimes ask me what I’m doing. Well, just ran a marathon, went grocery shopping, took the kids here and there, did laundry, etc. Then we just laugh. I used to do all of this, minus the marathon! lol I so miss doing all the boring irritating things.
So, here I sit deciding what wonderful things to do. I can go back to bed and watch tv, or go sit in my cool lift-chair and watch tv. Or, I can sit at my design table and play on my computer. hmmmmmm Decisions, decisions. I think I’ll go medicate and lie in my lift-chair and watch movies or something. Oh the life a cripple!!
Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!
Fuuuuuuuuck
I know, great title for my blog. Haven’t blogged in a bit and here it is, in your face…fuuuuuuuuuck!!
You may ask yourself, ‘Why?’ I’ll tell you why. It’s now after 11pm and I wanted to go to sleep. You know, lie down, get comfy, sleep. NOT! After 4 minutes of trying to lie down I gave up. I cannot seem to get my legs up on the bed. I get one up the other slides off. I pull on my jammie pants leg and my hand cannot hold on or lift my leg. Now I could scream for someone to help me, but they are all asleep and have to get up early for work and school. Hubby is on the pullout sofa as he snores so bad he wakes me up all night. So, I’m sitting here with tears rolling gently down my face as sleep is not coming yet. Even if I get my legs into the bed it take me forever to get into a position comfortable for sleep. Once I lie down I have to pull each leg up in a bent position or my lower back hurts. As it is, if I do not sit in the right spot before I try all of this, I may end up too high or too low on the bed. I am not able to ‘scooch’ into a comfy position. I get one shot. I guess I’m lucky, as once I do finally get comfortable I’m ready for sleep, as doing this easy task takes all of my spoons. Just getting into bed is a fucking chore and it pisses me off. It’s not fucking fair!!!!!! And don’t tell me it could be worse!! It’s going to get worse so shut your mouth. And don’t tell me it could be worse, it could be cancer… this IS my Cancer!!! It has and will continue to take my life from me. Just in a slower mode.
February 8th, marks the 2007 death of my MS partner in crime, Tina Richardson. Her progressive MS killed her. She got caught between a heavy power chair and bathtub and slowly suffocated to death, alone and I’m sure frightened. She could not move and could not scream. So, do not tell me no one dies from MS. They do every fucking day. If she had not had MS she would not have been in that position. I know others that have passed away due to pneumonia from being immobile and the MS basically killed their lungs. Tina was only 40 years old and my friend and I miss her every day. So fuck you and your,’it could be worse!’
As of this moment, it’s only going to get worse for me and I’m petrified. I am in a wheelchair 24/7. I am tired, fatigued 24/7. I run on fumes every day and try to be funny and crack jokes. I hide behind a smile and most days I wish it would all just end. I have pain 24/7, incontinent at 46 years young. Migraines, weight gain, unable to do the simplest tasks. The next time you feel the need to bitch about running errands, doing the dishes… be glad you can run errands and have the strength to do the dishes. I would trade you in a hot second to be able to do all those annoying tiresome chores. The next time you take a shower, thank your God you can. Even taking a shower is a chore for me and after I usually need to sleep as there goes some more spoons.
I try to keep the pain to myself, me feelings, my MS. This is my blog, and you can read or not. Tonight, all the lil things going on in my life, and then the tip of the iceberg, not being able to just get into bed, hit me all at once and hard. Seven months, still no bathroom finished, haven’t even seen them in over 2 months. Promises to here then no show, no call. Losing more leg movement and the list goes on… depression has hit and it has hit me hard. Will I make it through this one… Hell yes! I always do. I’ll find my inner strength and pull my boot straps back up and move on. But, now and then I need to let go, and let the idiots know to watch what they say. God help them if they ever had to deal with a real illness… my comment to them will be, “Hey asshole, it could be worse, you could have MS!!!”
Bringing in 2011
I haven’t blogged much as of late… not much to say.
This past year has been one of those roller-coaster rides you just want to get off. A not-so-fabulous hellish hospital stay, a few bad MS months, the waiting for the shower to be done, and just normal FML things.
But…
There is also the roller-coaster rides you never want to end. The love and support shown during and after my hellish hospital stay and during the bad MS months. Thanks to a couple of Angels, we are debt free and finally getting caught up. [so hoping the other shoe does not drop] I know, pessimism at its finest. I’m trying, lol
This year has also brought true friendships to light and I am so blessed with them. And yes, you know who you are. 
I have no resolutions as I never keep them. I just hope for my MS to slow down before it puts me in a home. But, if the home is in an asylum, I might find it kind of cool. Free meds… need I say more. Wonder if they have wireless access…
So, I really don’t have much to say yet again.
I just wanted to wish all my family, friends, and anyone who needs a wish, A very happy and wonderful 2011. May all your dreams come true.
One lil thing too, remember to be a bit kinder and caring to those who may be struggling in their life. We never know what smiles may be hiding…
Making it Through the Rain 