Those two words are not an option for me. I have three wonderful children that need me and a husband that loves me. So how does one deal with the emotions when their whole soul says, I want the pain to stop?

I wish I knew. Last night it felt like my bones were trying to some through my skin. I know no other way to explain it. My skin was crawling and my emotions were flying all over the place. What was I doing when this happened? Trying to go to bed. Yup, that’s it, just trying to sleep. WTF!!! Roger was trying his best to comfort me, dd#3 was scared and dd#2 was lying in bed holding on to me and crying.

I got so pissed. This MonSter isn’t only screwing up my life, it is killing my kids. I screamed at God, I screamed at the MS. If either were human in front of me, they’d be dead now!! If you wanna mess with me, go for it, but DO NOT mess with my kids. My faith is gone and nothing anyone says is going to change that for me. I believe in a ‘higher power’ but that’s it. And do not try and preach it to me… please. I’m no longer in the ‘politically correct’ mode. Okay, I never really have been, but now you’ll just piss me off.

I have no issue with the ‘believers’ out there. Keep it to yourself and we’ll get along fine. Push it on me and we will not.

I’m angry, I’m depressed, I’m fat, I’m lonely, I’m in pain [emotional and physical]. It’s not going to go away like the flu or a cold. I deal with it as best I can. I do not want to hear about that person with MS who ran the marathon, or any other success story. Not to be rude about it either, but they most likely have rrms and are in remission and have the funds to be able to do these things. I’m not and I don’t. I’m happy for them, but do not want to be compared to them. We are ALL different in our disease.

I am and have always been a fighter… MS HAS won the battle, but the war is still on!

xx, Tracy...

Comments
  1. Frannie says:

    Ok, I won’t say anything cause I don’t want to say the wrong thing or have it come out the wrong way, so I will just give my usuall (((Hugz))) and keep praying.
    xoxox

    Like

  2. Kat says:

    I love you Tracy, SO damn much.
    I am so sorry you and your family are suffering from this monster.. I wish Genie’s really existed, or wishing on a Star really does come true, because I’d use all my wishes on you to take all the pain away, and to find a cure..

    I may not be there to give you physical comfort,(soon enough.. 105 days and counting lol) but you are forever and always in my thoughts!

    Hang in there Tracy..

    Like

  3. Ruby Cantu says:

    There with you…I know the feeling. {{{HUGS}}}

    Like

  4. Yana Berlin says:

    Tracy, I know how you feel, and there is not much once can say to ease your pain, however, knowing that everyone is cheering for you and sending you hugs, prayers and blessings, should give you a bit of comfort.

    Keep on my fighting there is a big team behind you.

    Like

  5. Vicki Day says:

    hey lady – what can I say other than hold on and yes I will rock up one day with the pimp car and we will roll out across the town and I’ll dance with you in the wheelchair ……. we are here for you and huge hugs xxxxx

    Like

  6. Deb Darby says:

    Dear brave, sweet woman,

    I send you love and prayers.

    Deb

    Like

  7. Neicy says:

    Hello my dear sweet and lovely friend, I can only imagine what it must be like for you with your MS, but I do want you to know I love you dearly you are such an inspiring woman you have no idea, and I want you to know that I pray for you as well as those who suffer from some sort of affliction that keeps them from a normal active life, I love you my friend never give up always keep hope alive. ❤

    Like

  8. Hazel says:

    Tracy, I know what it’s like but not to have to have my own children have to witness it. Too hard… 😦 Many hugs. XXXXXXX

    Like

  9. Eva Pasco says:

    Tracy,

    Not really saying much, because I don’t know what to say, other than I’m behind you like a tail wind…

    Hugs…

    Eva

    Like

  10. Dodie says:

    I admire you Tracy! And I love you to death lady!

    Like

  11. Mary Clark says:

    Tracy….

    Okay….I’m not going to push my beliefs on you….not that I ever would but just to let you know I am praying for you and I’m praying that you will one day find the comfort and peace that you so desperately need. I don’t know what else to say other than I give you to God. Hope you feel better this weekend….

    Mary

    Like

  12. Vikki says:

    (((((Tracy)))))

    I got nothing but !

    Like

  13. Diane says:

    Tracy,

    I’m very sorry to hear you’re going through this. My mom had MS too and she was in a wheelchair at the end and very depressed and at times, even suicidal. You’re lucky you have the support of friends, your husband, and your kids. My mom did not have any friends or a husband just her kids.

    Have you done your MS Walk yet? I found another location closer to me and it will now be in May. I am recruiting my son to join me. Having had my mom who had MS makes me really appreciate the little things in life like walking and driving a car that most people take for granted. My mom couldn’t do either of those things and sometimes I feel like I’ve missed out a lot. But she was a great cook and made me some beautiful dresses when I was a little girl.

    Hang in there Tracy. Hugs,
    Diane

    Like

    • Tracy says:

      Hi Diane! Losing the independence is one of the issues I despise. Not being able to take my kids places and always having to make sure where we go is crippled accessible. It’s hard on us moms and hard for the kids who love us!

      My walk is April 3. I wish I could have known your mom, she sounds like a great lady!!
      xoxo

      Like

  14. oppozitesattract says:

    Hugz and kisses to you Mz. T!! ❤

    Like

  15. Heidi says:

    Mo…
    I wish we had bought that house next door. Kids and I are working on a weekend invasion… But until that happens KNOW that we love you so very much. You are the best friend I have ever had and the best aunt these kids could ask for. I am amazed by your strength and determination. Hugz and prayers to you, Roger and the wonderful 3!!
    We love you sis!!

    Like

  16. Mary says:

    As always I send love and gentle hugs. If I could fly on an airplane, then we would be spending a long weekend together…but my plan is to be out in Cali when hub and I take our trip out west…and you and I will be spending some time together. It is hard and as I don’t experience the intensity of your pain, I do know what you are going through.

    My sister as her days, and I spend lots of time on the phone with her, so yes, I do understand.

    Please send me your Skype name in my e-mail, so we can talk.

    I am here for you, dear friend!

    xoxo

    Like

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