Broken

Posted: March 18, 2011 in Fear, lonliness, multiple sclerosis, Pain, Ramblings, RANDOM, sadness
Tags:

That simple word is so powerful. Broken, how do you fix it? I’m not sure, but my body is broken. The depression of late is paralyzing along with my MS. Just typing is hard as my hands just want to curl up and go to sleep. My legs have failed me just as my mind is going. My thoughts are scrambled and I cannot find the focus. I’m tried of depending on people, I’m tired of needing help. Dressing myself causes anxiety and pain. I’m so tired of being… tired of being.

Broken like shattered glass on the floor that crunches under your shoes.

Broken...

I do not know how to fix all the breaks. I’m tired, so tired. I’m not strong and I cannot fake it any longer.

Comments
  1. Mark says:

    Gosh MzTracy!
    I sure love you! I wish I could take on your Pain–even if only for a Day!
    The World has been really stressful Lately…I’m sure that’s not helping either!
    But asking for help is good! Dressing, getting around…we ALL love you, and want to help!
    After all, YOU always share Love with us. I mean that. Everyday. Without fail.
    You’re an Inspiration and VERY Sweet.
    Maybe a nice Epson Salt bath would help you to feel better.
    Go to Bed early maybe. Hopefully to feel better Tomorrow!
    So, I just prayed for you. just like in Mathew 8-8. where the Army Officer said, “Sir, I am not a fit Man for you to enter under my Roof, but just say the word and my Manservant will be healed.”
    From afar, I pray that you are healed, feel Better, Stronger, that you are comforted. That you will feel the LOVE!
    Native Americans have many Animal Songs. All the diffent Animals have different Blessings..They would call a spirit of an Animal that the particular strength needed.
    The Yogis just by breathing can ease many conditions that cause pain.
    I want you to know that you ARE surrounded by Love and Angels that will help you tonight.
    Do you do Physical Therapy? Do some, iy may release some endorphins. 🙂
    I know how tough at can be..to be as strong as you are.
    Hang in there Tracy.
    We ALL love you!

    Like

    • Tracy says:

      thanks Mark. Was having a moment last night and needed to vent. Some days are better than others. My fight will come back.
      I do yoga for MS and use a motorized pedaler and light arm weights.
      I love the Native American ideals.
      Thanks again!
      love to you!

      Like

  2. Courtney says:

    Oh Tracy…there isn’t anything I would not give to take away your pain, your suffering….I know that the last thing you want is pity, as that makes you feel worse.

    And I know you work hard at putting on a brave face, and you say you are not strong…but that is where you are oh-so wrong. YOU may not think you aren’t, but I, as well as the amazing friends you have, know the truth. I’ve NEVER met anyone as strong as you, as good at holding it together. I mean, look at me…I lose half my hair, and I just about have a nervous fucking breakdown! Now *I* am weak….you are the epitome of strength!!
    I have more respect–NOT “pity”–for you than anyone else I know.
    I also know you are sick of relying on people for help…but what you don’t seem to understand is, we WANT to…it’s not even remotely close to being a burden. Wanna know why?? Because we LOVE you…and that’s what people do when they love someone. And if the situation were reversed, you would do it in a hot second, without a second thought, and you KNOW it.

    So whenever you are feeling like this, call me dammit!! If you want company, say the word. I will drop everything and come over (well…I might have to drag a kid, dog, or mom along, but you get my point…lol)I will ALWAYS be here for you—ALWAYS.

    So STFU. =]

    Like

    • Tracy says:

      thanks for the ‘no pity’ clause, you know I hate pity.
      Was having a waaahhhhh moment there! lol
      Come over any time at all and we need another lunch/movie date with mom!
      xoxo
      loves ya C!

      Like

  3. Mary says:

    You have no idea how much I wish I lived close to you…you would be friggin sick of me and beating me out the door with a broom. You have gotten me through some tough moments when you did not even know it. By reading your innermost thoughts, it has helped me understand what a wonderful, generous, loving human being you are.

    This shitty monster that has its grip on you will not win, because everyone that loves you will not let it. We are all here, through good and bad, thick and thin for you.

    How about your jewelry? Are you giving up on it? The Tracy I know would not do that…she is a fighter that looks despair in the face and says, “Fuck You.”

    I am also here for you, Mzzy, never forget that!!

    XOXO
    ❤ ❤

    Like

    • Tracy says:

      You have no idea how much I wold love you beating down my door!! lol
      TY for always being a light voice in my head and making me smile!
      The fight will come back… then MS look out!!
      xoxo
      loves ya!

      Like

  4. msjo101 says:

    MzTracy,

    Your feelings are valid, and despair is sometimes very real to us.

    Please remember this too shall pass.

    I know you will come out of this stronger and more vibrant than EVER!

    MUAH!
    Jesus Loves You!
    Tammy

    Like

  5. Kathy says:

    I’m not going to (verbally) pat you and say “there, there dear, everything will be fine” nor can I offer you any ideas to fix you. I just want you to know I hear you and I so hope the rollercoaster takes you back up soon.

    Like

  6. Cris says:

    Tracy,
    I wish I had the magical words to ease your sorrow.
    You are in my heart. I love you.
    Cris

    Like

  7. Dodie says:

    Tracy, I’m sorry you have to go through so much hell with your MS. If I could I’d take it away and add it to all of my crap. Love You!

    Like

  8. Tracy says:

    Dodie, I wish I could take away both of our diseases and throw them far far away.
    You have no idea how much you inspire me. Your are the definition of strength and love!!
    xoxo

    Like

  9. Frannie says:

    ((((Hugz))))

    Like

  10. Frannie says:

    Sorry I didn’t have encouraging words like the others, but I sometimes not sure what to say and I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I just know everyone likes a Hug 😀

    Like

  11. Tina Sickinger says:

    I wish there were something I could do to fix you, but as you know I can’t even fix myself. My heart breaks for you my dear friend and I just hope that one day all the pain and ‘brokenness’ is over in the form of a cure for you! I love you! xoxo

    Like

  12. Michelle says:

    Tracey
    I’m so sorry to hear the desparation in your words. You don’t know me as this is the first time I have posted. I have been reading your blog since I was first diagnosed with the monster June 11, 2010. I am 46, have 3 loving children and a wonderful husband. I have gained strength from your words and come away from your site every time
    feeling better. I don’t know where the ms will leave us…it’s very frightening. I just want you to know that you aren’t alone in your thoughts…..but….you and I both have way to much to leave behind. Be strong hun….things will get better tomorrow. Thanks for being u and writing such a wonderful blog. Huggs to u!!!!

    Michelle

    Like

    • Tracy says:

      I just wish my blogs we more ‘happy thoughts’. lol Although I/We do try and find the humor in the MonSter.
      Hope to see here more and if you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask!!
      xx

      Like

  13. Kat says:

    I wish I could fix you.. but.. Even with your broken peices, to me you are the most AMAZING human being I know..
    Truly.. You are a blessing to us all.. Your strength, your smile, your beautiful craziness..
    You are my inspiration, my best friend, my sister by choice, You are by far, my HERO!
    I love you! Hang in there..
    Grease your Wheel Chariot and kick some MS ass!

    Like

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