Category: Ramblings

Ramblings

Vegas Baby!!

Tracy6 Comments

Well as most know Roger and I went to Vegas Oct. 2- 4 so I could meet some of the Fabulous ladies from Fabulously40andBeyond . It is a wonderful site I joined October 22, 2008. It’s a place for women over 40 to meet and and share experiences. Drop by, and tell them MzTracy sent you! ;-).

I cannot tell you how excited I was to be going. The drive took us 31/2 hours and flew by. We checked in at the Paris Hotel, Vegas. We got unpacked and I immediately headed out to meet the girls. I met Laurie first and it was a if I had known her my whole life.

laurie-n-meIsn’t she gorgeous! Her insides match her outsides. She is an amazing woman. Click one her links on the right and you can see for yourself. She was a tough one to keep up with… always moving!

We headed down to the bar! Hoorah!! lol There we met up with Lu and Kelly.

lu-n-me

It was the same feeling meeting Lu as it was meeting Laurie. The second we met it was as if we had known each other forever. She is my candle girl. She makes the best candles ever. Check her link on the right as well. She has the best, smartass attitude like me! lol

And Kelly, she is as sweet as can be. So nice and kind. [hope we didn’t rub off our bad ways on her] lol

lu - me n kelKelly is adorable and takes gr8 pics! ‘Yes Kelly you do’ 😉 And she was on a winning streak! Lucky girl!

We all hung out at the bar by the Paris casino, where we all were staying. It was 2 for 1 martini time and we made sure to get our two. I had an apple-tini then a cosmo. We felt like the Sex in the city girls drinking our ‘tinis’. lol We took pics and just chatted and chatted away. We were killing some time until the dinner at 7:30 with the rest of the fab ladies. [minus Cynthia who was arriving in the morning] Time passed so quickly and the next thing we knew it was time to meet up at the restaurant.

We got to the restaurant and Yana and her daughters Stephanie and Daisy were already there. Another friend, Esther showed up soon after.

estherFrom left to right: Yana, Esther, and Yana’s gorgeous girls Stephanie and Daisy. By this time I was feeling so full in my heart. We ordered dinner and then started chatting. Yana started talking about how she started the site [she is the owner] and how gr8 it is to see women connecting, meeting, etc. Then she started saying how termagsea [Judy] had really wanted to be there. How she had been working on something for a while. I admit, I was kind of lost. Then Yana reached under the table and pulled out a huge gorgeous basket filled with bathroom goodies and she had cards and a picture clutch as well. She told me how after Judy read my bathroom remodel blog she wanted to help in some way. I was not quite sure what was happening. I felt tears starting but tried to hold back. I opened the first card which had fab friends names in it and a cashiers check for 500.00 to help get me started on my dream bathroom. That was all it took, the dam broke and the tears flowed. As I read all the cards and looked through the photo clutch I was so overwhelmed with a feeling of love and friendship. I still cannot express how It made me feel and still makes me feel when I re-read the cards, look through the pics and stare at the basket.

my basketAs I type this, the tears are ready to roll. I have not felt such friendship and hope as I did that night in a very very long time. What these ladies did [and I’m told are still doing] is such a blessing for me. There are so many times I feel so alone, and this truly did make me see that i am NEVER alone when I have friends like this. All the ladies that traveled to Vegas so it would be easy for me. Lu, who planned this trip and got the ball rolling. How special is that? And Yana for having a site where these friendships can be made.

Dinner was fabulous. Yana and her girls had to leave after dinner to go eat another dinner. lol It was her hubbies birthday weekend. We would meet back up with her for lunch the next day. Lu, Laurie, Kelly, Esther and I headed outside for some air and to get some pics. Lu was exhausted as she had been up since 5am her time. So she headed up to bed. Kelly and Esther went over to the MGM and Laurie and i went and got lattes and sat and talked for a couple of hours in a lil cafe inside the Paris.

I was getting tired and my legs were hurting from sitting in one position for so long, but I did not care. It was a good tired and even a good pain. We finally headed up to our rooms around 12:30 am or so. We would all be meeting in the morning. When I got to my room Roger was waiting up. He had been to dinner with us and witnessed the whole beautiful dinner. I had been so worried about the cost of the trip etc. Rog looked at me and said that dinner and what those ladies did made the whole trip worthwhile. Then he smiled and told me what an awesome bunch of friends I have. You know, when he’s right…he’s right!!

My head hit the pillow and out I went!

Be back with day 2 soon.

Blessings and Peace!

Ramblings

The Cable blues…

Tracy9 Comments

On Tuesday the cable was going out in the morning and kept on dropping. So I call and TWC [Time Warner Cable] tells me they are working on the lines in my area. NICE. Then she tells me that my modem [I own it] seems to be running to fast. OK! So she says I can use theirs, free of charge. That mine is older and may die soon. OK, sounds good. So a tech will be out that afternoon. GR8!! The tech comes and at this time the cable is back up. [don’t fix it if it ain’t broke] I tell him what the lady on the phone said, so we decide to replace it with theirs. Woo hoo all up and working good. He said they were still working on lines and that the next day someone would be back to finish something in the outside lines. Cool!

He was only gone 10 minutes and bam…lose the net. Now my network is not even showing up anymore. I call then straight away and they send a signal etc and nothing. Ok, another tech will be back tomorrow. OK then. I keep trying to set it back up. I can find the router no problem, but no internet is found. So, I wait. The new tech comes and replaces the modem with another one. We thought maybe the modem was bad. Now, he cannot even get it set it up. The only way in, is to hook my laptop up to the modem directly. WTH! It worked fine before you switched out my modem. On the advice of an associate on the phone. My original modem was fine. Oh why do I listen to people who don’t have a clue. I knew better than to change, but figured she must be right, right?! lol So, he says it must be my router settings need to be fixed and he cannot do that. He did try, but got nowhere. So I was like, ok then what do I do now? I guess hook up to modem directly. That defeats the whole ‘wireless’ purpose. Fine, I’ll play around and see what I can do.

He leaves and i start to play. All the issues are being caused by my isp’s dns server not being recognized. So, I call again, they do all the tests again, and nothing. So, guess what, a new tech for today between 5-7pm. Happy happy joy joy! Meanwhile I am still messing around with it. I get in a few times, but the connections goes fast. Every diagnostic says dns server issue contact isp for number. So, I call again asking for a dns number for my router. Nope, let’s try more signals. A BIG FAT NOTHING! The modem is reading the router, but the router won’t recognize the modem. I know this, been saying this for 2 days now. I now can find my network again [thanks to me] but it cannot find the net. Could this brand modem possibly not be compatible with my router? Why yes. A lady yesterday said for them to re-install mine there would be a charge! roflmao I think not, I said. I changed my modem on the advice of TWC employee, so you will change mine back for FREEEEE! The lady today says of course no charge. We will see if he has a different kind of modem and if not, go back to mine. They had better hope it works then. The modem has worked for the past 6 years and with this router for the past 3 years. It was back working the day they changed it out, so it had better work again.

So now I am hooked directly into the modem, bleck! If they cannot get the signals and dns to match, I’m done. I’ll go back to DSL. I never had a problem for the 8 years I had DSL in my old house. And now, they offer DSL here. [finally] So we shall see…

I am so lost without this thing they call the internet. This is my ticket to the outside world and so many friends I adore. I was getting so depressed. There are only so movies to watch and new shows to see. I am hoping to be back up and wireless again tonight. This hooking the cable to my laptop is not for me.

I miss you all, and will be back!! Don’t forget me! xoxo

Blessings and peace!

Health · Ramblings

Acceptance – for Robin

Tracy14 Comments

ac·cep·tance n.

1. The act or process of accepting.
2. The state of being accepted or acceptable.
3. Favorable reception; approval.
4. Belief in something; agreement.
5. Abbr. acpt.

 a. A formal indication by a debtor of willingness to pay a time draft or bill of exchange.
b. A written instrument so accepted.
6. Law Compliance by one party with the terms and conditions of another’s offer so that a contract becomes legally binding between them.

————————————————————-

When it comes to ‘accepting’ my disease, I choose not to. You have those who say, “If you do not accept it, you cannot move on!” I disagree. I will never accept the fact that this is my fate. I know i have MS. I know what it has taken away from me. Bottom line, I know how much it sucks! 🙂 I guess I feel if I use the word ‘acceptance’ that it really means I have it. I know that sounds strange, but that is the only way I can explain it. I deal with it, I ‘live’ with it, but I will not accept it. Believe me, I was in denial [no, not the river in Egypt] for the first 2 years of my dx [diagnosis]. I actually had 2 second opinions as I knew in my mind it had to be something else.

The first year of my dx I had my first second opinion at the UCLA MS clinic. Yup, you have MS. Then in the third year went back to UCLA again to see another doctor doing some new research. She said if she did not know my histroy she would dx me with Progressive-Relapsing MS (PRMS), the worst course. The look on my face must have killed her as she quickly said since knowing my case she would stay with Secondary-Progressive MS (SPMS). I steadily progress, [SUCKS!] but hopefully I will stay at the ‘plateau’ I am at now. Wishful thinking, nah…HOPE! Knowing me, I’ll get a third second opinion one day! rofl

Again, I know my disease, very well. I know I have it. I deal with it and live with it every day. This does not mean I EVER have to accept it. I think I see acceptance, in this case, as giving in to it. And that will NEVER happen. Some say I am too much of a BITCH [babe in total control of herself] 😛 to ever let it take me over. Personally I take that as a compliment. I am stubborn, strong, tenacious, driven, and a bitch! lol But, this is what keeps me going, keeps me fighting. I am not a quitter and will never stop looking for the answer. I do believe the cure WILL be found for MS. I hope in my time, but if not I hope for the next generation.

So, you see, for me acceptance is not an option. As long as we live our lives and not let our diseases overtake us, we are the winners!!

Blessings and Peace!

Ramblings

Mourning Independence – for Ruby

Tracy10 Comments

I have a friend dealing with back issues, surgeries, pain, and the feelings of loss. She is mourning her independence. And rightly so.

When  person becomes ‘disabled’ [whether is is permanent or temporary] life, as they have known it, changes. Simple things that we could once do can no longer be done. Simple things we take for granted, we do not take for granted anymore. Just getting out of bed can become a huge chore. And forget about trying to shop or clean or in some cases even get out of your house. Even showering can take every ounce of strength.

It truly is life altering and, in my humble opinion, deserves a mourning period. It is as if part of your life, your own self, has died. So, why is it we feel bad for venting or talking about ‘mourning’ our losses? I guarantee if it happened to a ‘healthy’ [as we once were] they would be talking until the cows came home. I think sometimes it is because they do not want to see someone they love in pain. But, sadly, some just really do not give a shit and do not want to know. So I say to the haters…move the hell on and do not read or talk to the person. We are better off without that kind of ‘friend’ anyway.

I think when a person becomes disabled they can remember what they once had, once were. I can remember walking, and sometime the sadness of that loss takes me to the edge.

I watched a program once where young kids in wheelchairs were featured. Most born with a disease that disabled them. One young boy, maybe 8 or so, said to an older boy that it is ok to be mad when your abilities suddenly are taken from you. That he was born this way and never knew what it was to walk. He understood how someone who loses the ability to walk later in life can become angry and depressed. They have the memories that might tear at them. WOW! Did I ever cry and talk to the TV. What an amazing young man and outlook. I never thought of it like that. It was then I realized where a lot of my sadness came from. The memories of what was.

So, mourn the loss of your independence. It is ok to do. Any person would as it truly is like a part of you has died. Just remember to not let it take over your life. As with anything, we mourn and [hopefully] are able to move one!

Blessings and Peace!

Ramblings

Promoting!

Tracy9 Comments

I am having an end of summer 10% off sale in my shop, A Fabulous Flair. Everything is on sale!

I would also like to promote one of my favorite sites on the net, The LightFandango Candle Company . I cannot tell you how amazing her candles are. They keep their smell, they burn clean, and she uses only the best and safest ingredients for her candles. She has Yankee candles beat! They are MADE IN THE USA and with gr8 care and love! I guarantee you, you will not be disappointed.

Another shop is Cynthia’s Chocolates. Made in Hawaii and made with no preservatives and with made with love. Her chocolates are amazing. My problem is I eat the whole box the minute they arrive. I also do not share!! lol

I hope you get a chance to stop by these shops. You will be glad you did.

Blessings and peace!

Ramblings

Finding the light at the end of the tunnel…

Tracy15 Comments

No matter how hard life can get, and it can get hard, I always try to find the light at the end of the tunnel. There really is that light if you look for it. We can wallow in our pain and self pity, or we can look for the good. And, I know there is good somewhere.

MS sucks, big time, but I have it and only I can choose how to ‘live’ with it. I hear people complain how a remodel is going bad or how their kids are back home with them after college. Well, be thankful you have a home and the money to remodel. Be thankful your kids are safe and finished college. I would love to remodel my bathroom and doorways so I could actually shower alone and get through doors without leaving scratches or all out dents in the walls. Sometimes, I hate my home as it is not handicapped accessible for me. I spend most of time in my bedroom as getting through the doors is a pain in the butt in my chair. When I turn my chair on the carpet it lifts and moves, would love to redo that as well. Sadly for us, we do not have the funds to do this right now. BUT, I am thankful to have a home and have a roof over my head.

Again, as I have said in previous blogs, it’s all in how you choose too look at your life. Is your glass half full or half empty? I like to think of mine as half full.

I spend most of my days stuck in my four walls of my home as I no longer feel comfortable driving. We are going to get hand controls one day for my van [when and if we can afford it], but until then I am a ‘prisoner’ in my home. BUT, again, at least I have a home and a handicapped accessible vehicle for my wheel-chariot!

Do not get me wrong, there are days I get pissed off and curse this fucking disease. Ask why the hell me? What did I do to deserve this? I look at people able to walk and want to scream, “Do you know how lucky you are to be able to walk?” I get angry, depressed, and downright mad at God. Then, eventually, when I calm down I see the light. I see a husband who would do anything in this world for me and truly meant his vows, in sickness and in health. I see children who love me no matter if I can walk, be in the sun, run with them, or not. I see parents and siblings who would stop everything [and have] to help me if I ever needed help.

So you see, there is always a light at the end of that tunnel. I guess it is how you choose to look at it!

Blessings and peace!

Ramblings

How do U blog? What’s your personality?

Tracy9 Comments

1. Do you get and idea then think it out and write your blog?

2. Do you write the blog, save the draft, and then edit before publishing it?

3. Or do you just fly by the seat of your pants and just blog?

I’m a 3. I get so many thoughts going at any given time I just start typing and whatever ends up on the page, is my blog. My iBot blog started out as something completely different, and just took on a whole new meaning. I am your typical type ‘A’ personality. I have a bit of ‘B’ as well, but lean more towards ‘A’. For better or for worse that is me.

From Wikipedia:

Type A individuals can be described as impatient, time-conscious, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business-like, aggressive, having difficulty relaxing; and are sometimes disliked by individuals with Type B personalties for the way that they’re always rushing. They are often high-achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about delays. Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as “stress junkies.”Type A individuals can be described as impatient, time-conscious, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business-like, aggressive, having difficulty relaxing. Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as “stress junkies.”

So according to that, basically I dislike myself for always rushing! lol

Now, i have slowed a bit on some of the traits, due to my illness. But, I still find that I thrive on pressure, stress if you will. I actually call friends at times to ‘talk me down’ from going after someone who is, well for lack of a better phrase, pissing me off. Sometimes people ASSume I am not an educated woman. I learned when I started using the WC more people talked to and treated me differently. My legs may not not work and I may have other health issues, but I am still a College educated, intelligent woman. But, I refuse to have a battle of wit with and unarmed person!! 😛

I think is this is where the mind goes racing and thoughts and ideas come rushing out. It has a lot to do with my sleeping issues as my mind will not shaddup. As you can see, I tend to ump back and forth and all over as I do not want to miss a thing. When I want something done I want it done now. Not late, not in an hour, but now. I am still working hard on becoming less of the ‘A’ as it can cause me a lot of fatigue. But for the years before my illness this was me. I could multi-task better than anyone. I thrived on difficult problems as I knew I could do it better and quicker. Now, the times they have a changed!

This, for me is a learning process. I know my faults and need to work on them. I need to relax and realize whatever needs to be done, will get done. It may take a bit longer, but it will happen. For me I get stressed as I know I have so much to offer, yet no way to do it. But, for those who do know me, they know in the end I will figure it out and get it going.

For some this is probably a mindless blog, hence the category mindless thoughts. But this has been floating all over my brain for a bit and here it. It’s a thought process for me and helps me to see the areas I may need to work on and by going back over my blogs I can see where my mind is at the time.

I guess the bottom line is, it’s my blog and I can write if I want to!! rofl

Blessings and Peace!

Ramblings

It’s all Relative!

Tracy6 Comments

So, how are you? Really…

A simple question, but for me a loaded question. How do I answer this question? Truthfully, partially true, or do I lie my ass off. People mean well, but in my experience when they ask you how you are, it is only to be kind. Many do not want the ‘truth’ for the real honest truth is on many occasions, depressing. Not for me really as I live it, but for them. So, what do you say?

My usual answers are, “I’m OK”, “I’m alive”, “I’m breathing”, or “I’m good.”

On any given day I have pain, fatigue, shakes, spiders [inner tremors], migraine, weakness, incontinence, eye floaties, depression, and always the ‘walking’ issue! lol Now 90% I do not have these all at the same time. [Thank God] But there is the 10%. For me, this is just my life. So it is easier to say things are OK then, “well I am having the shakes and a migraine” or “I feel yuck, bad MS day!” I hate bringing others down, and I can hear it in their voices when I am ‘honest’ about it. I always say that losing my ability to walk wouldn’t be so bad if all the other things did not come with it. [explained above]

I miss having energy the most. The fatigue causes the depression which in turn cause stress, which in turn causes flare ups! Sometimes you just can’t win for losing. But, again, this is my reality and I am learning to deal with as best I can. Do I always deal with it well? Sometimes…not so much! rofl But we are all allowed our ‘bad’ days, aren’t we? Hey, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! lol

I also see things as relative to the person dealing with it. I have a close a friend [Amers] who has had tummy issues for a long time now. She deals with pain and vomiting. At times it was a daily issue for her and she dealt with it like such a trooper. She is also an Army wife and has had to deal with deployments and the fears that come with it. She also deals with parental [adult] abuse. Which after 33 years, she stood up and took charge! [Amers, if you are reading, remember…I am soooo proud of you!!] Yet, after dealing with all of this, she would always say how she felt bad for complaining to me because of what I go through. I would always tell her it is all relative to the person dealing with the issue. Like when some say, “It could be worse.” Really? This is happening to me, this is my ‘worse’! I hate when people say that! And the ones who say it, usually are the ‘healthies’. So shaddup please!! And yes it could be worse, I could lose all my abilities totally. So, again, SHADDUP!!!

Now, with that being said…if you have a cough, a cold, a touch of the flu, remember it will go away! You will be back to your normal, so try not to complain too much! OK! I’ll trade your issue with mine any day. So take your cough medicine, see your doctor and get over it! I know at the time it seems like the end, but again, it will go away. Sometimes I just wanna say, “Should I call the whaaambulance?”, “Would you like some cheese with that whine?”, “Need a Mt. BooHoo?”. I could go on, but you get the point! rofl

So, the next time you ask someone how they are doing, make sure you really want to know!

Blessings and Peace!

Ramblings

Victim or Survivor

Tracy7 Comments

This is a question I think we all need to ask ourselves. Whether we are disabled or healthy. I know many ‘healthy’ people that act the victim. Life is not fair to them, they got dealt the wrong hand. Why do some get everything they want when they do not?

I prefer to be in the survivor category. Do I get down on myself and feel angry at the cards I have been dealt? Of course I do as my hand is a shitty one. But I refuse to stop playing. One day I my get that royal flush. The only way to know is to survive. I am not always the strong one people think I am. I cry quite easily, I yell at G [God], I get angry watching people who are able to walk. Maybe not so much anger, but sadness at what I have lost. I have always been tall, uber tall. Growing up in my day being 6′ for a girl was not the norm. I hated it so much. I ‘slumped’ when I walked. I remember thinking G finally listened, how much shorter can I be, being in a wheelchair! Crazy thinking, right?

A few weeks back I got so down. Being a ‘shut in’ can be terribly depressing when you were once an active mom and woman. Each time I progress a bit I have a kind of ‘memorial’ for what I have lost. I grieve the loss of strength in my arms, or the weakness in me legs, or the worsening fatigue. It almost as if I am hearing the words, ‘You have Multiple Sclerosis’, all over again. So, it is a process for me. I have my grieving period, cry , scream, and then pull those boot straps up and get on with it.

There have been a couple times, more than I like to admit, where I have held a handful of pills and thought I can end the pain. That is when my inner strength has always found her way to the surface. I see my children’s faces and realize what that kind of action would do to them. That is not a legacy I want to leave them. I see my husband’s face and the pain it would cause him. I see my family and how it would hurt them all to the depths of their souls. She has come through, she has shown me once again that I am  a survivor. This is my strength.

I am no victim! I am an intelligent, beautiful, strong woman living with MS! The day I was diagnosed the internet truly became my friend. I researched every medication, every type of MS, every natural alternative, eating habits, foods, etc. Anything I could find I read. I no longer take medications for my MS as I have not found one that has had enough research done for those with the progressive forms. This is for me only. I am no doctor, so for others they do what they need to do. I only use medications for pain that may become uncomfortable. And not always on a daily basis. This works for me.

I am not a victim of MS, I am a woman surviving and living with MS!

We all have some sort of battle in our lives, it is how we choose to perceive ourselves in that battle. So, who are you? The victim or the survivor?

Blessings and peace!

Ramblings

The Unknown Angels

Tracy5 Comments

5E2EAABF-5862-4E31-9F9D-617CA1D9A3C9Once upon a time there was a girl who got tickets to go to the Soap Opera Digest awards at The Universal Amphitheater. She invited her other mother, her sister, and her babies nanny. She was so excited as at the time Days of Our Lives was and had been her show for some 20 years. She even named her first born son after one the characters on the show, Austin. This was going to be a night to remember, for very different reasons than she expected…

The night started out perfectly. They all met up at the hotel her family was staying at. The nanny drove the girl as driving more than a few miles had gotten to be hard. The girl had been diagnosed with a progressive form of MS some years prior. She was still doing well and still walking with the use of a crutch cane. But this night, none of that mattered, she was going out!

As they drove from the hotel to the amphitheater parking was crazy and they were sent to a parking structure where there was handicapped parking. Never being there before they had no idea just how far away they were. As they entered the city walk they realized they were on the other end from the amphitheater. But, the girl felt she would be ok. She had her cane and new comfy shoes and she looked gorgeous, as did they all. Halfway there she could feel her ankle starting to drop [drop foot] but she kept on. She is a bit of a stubborn one, so she knew she was going to do this. Nothing would stop her.

As they entered the line of beautifully dressed people heading in, she knew something was wrong and her legs began to give out. There were people everywhere, those going in and all the looky-loos awaiting the stars. All at once she felt her leg go out and down she went to the ground. The tears flowed almost immediately as she bent her head down and tried to hide away. Being 6′ tall it was a long fall and a bit painful on concrete. All she remembers saying to those with her, was to call her husband to come get here. [he works there at nbc/uni] It was futile for the smaller women to try and lift her up. Her legs were gone, rubbery now and of no use. The people just stared and walked right on by. None offering to help in any way.

Then, it happened. She felt strong arms under her that lifted her off the ground as if she was a feather. She laid her head down on his shoulder as she cried how embarrassed she was and how sorry. How everyone was staring at her. She had never wanted to be invisible like she did at that moment. Then she heard the beautiful deep voice of her ‘Angel’ saying they were only staring as she is beautiful and on the inside of the ropes going in. His voice began to calm her and somehow she knew it was going to be ok.

Meanwhile, an employee had gone to get a wheelchair for the girl. When the chair came she looked up at her Angel only to have the sun in her eyes and all she could see was his outline. He gently put her in the chair and was gone. She asked, who he was, what did he look like? She was told he was a very handsome tall black man and his beautiful wife.

She searched through the crowd the whole evening hoping to catch a glimpse a small look at her Angel. The night went on, the awards handed out and then the night ended.

She never got her glimpse, her look. She never has forgotten him, and his kindness for stopping when no one else did. Somewhere out there is her Angel. She send blessings to him and all his family even though she never saw his face.

She will never forget the kindness of that one stranger!!

Blessings and Peace!