Victim or Survivor

Posted: September 14, 2009 in Ramblings
Tags: , , ,

This is a question I think we all need to ask ourselves. Whether we are disabled or healthy. I know many ‘healthy’ people that act the victim. Life is not fair to them, they got dealt the wrong hand. Why do some get everything they want when they do not?

I prefer to be in the survivor category. Do I get down on myself and feel angry at the cards I have been dealt? Of course I do as my hand is a shitty one. But I refuse to stop playing. One day I my get that royal flush. The only way to know is to survive. I am not always the strong one people think I am. I cry quite easily, I yell at G [God], I get angry watching people who are able to walk. Maybe not so much anger, but sadness at what I have lost. I have always been tall, uber tall. Growing up in my day being 6′ for a girl was not the norm. I hated it so much. I ‘slumped’ when I walked. I remember thinking G finally listened, how much shorter can I be, being in a wheelchair! Crazy thinking, right?

A few weeks back I got so down. Being a ‘shut in’ can be terribly depressing when you were once an active mom and woman. Each time I progress a bit I have a kind of ‘memorial’ for what I have lost. I grieve the loss of strength in my arms, or the weakness in me legs, or the worsening fatigue. It almost as if I am hearing the words, ‘You have Multiple Sclerosis’, all over again. So, it is a process for me. I have my grieving period, cry , scream, and then pull those boot straps up and get on with it.

There have been a couple times, more than I like to admit, where I have held a handful of pills and thought I can end the pain. That is when my inner strength has always found her way to the surface. I see my children’s faces and realize what that kind of action would do to them. That is not a legacy I want to leave them. I see my husband’s face and the pain it would cause him. I see my family and how it would hurt them all to the depths of their souls. She has come through, she has shown me once again that I am  a survivor. This is my strength.

I am no victim! I am an intelligent, beautiful, strong woman living with MS! The day I was diagnosed the internet truly became my friend. I researched every medication, every type of MS, every natural alternative, eating habits, foods, etc. Anything I could find I read. I no longer take medications for my MS as I have not found one that has had enough research done for those with the progressive forms. This is for me only. I am no doctor, so for others they do what they need to do. I only use medications for pain that may become uncomfortable. And not always on a daily basis. This works for me.

I am not a victim of MS, I am a woman surviving and living with MS!

We all have some sort of battle in our lives, it is how we choose to perceive ourselves in that battle. So, who are you? The victim or the survivor?

Blessings and peace!

Comments
  1. Kristi says:

    I love reading your blogs Tracy, you really have a way with words! Unfortunately we all have our victim days, but hopefully the survivor comes out more often!

    Like

  2. R. G. Maines says:

    Definitely a survivor!

    I think we were separated at birth… LOL

    I, too, have mourned the losses of independence, the ability to walk and exercise, the ability to enjoy the active things I once did. I, too, have sat with prescription bottles emptied their contents in hand, contemplating giving up.

    That is not me.

    I stopped taking the cocktail of medications prescribed to combat depression, pain, inflammation, edema, etc. because every medication brought about a side effect that complicated life.

    I have survived, persevered and conquered. I’m empowered! Learning to accept loss and live with challenges has made me strong!

    Love Ya!

    Like

  3. Ruby Cantu says:

    I’m a survivor, but currently I have every right to be in whiner mode, I’ll host my own pity party, ya’ll are welcome to join me….LOL.

    Like

  4. WONDERFUL post/blog entry!

    Like

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