Category: PAIN

Fear · HELL · Medical · PAIN · Ramblings · RANDOM

Ain’t it nifty Tracy’s 50!

Tracy7 Comments

On March 12th, I turned 50. I told myself that on this day I would be able to stand up again or at least be able transfer to my wheelchair. Well, didn’t happen.

I’m sitting here, on my bed, listening to my baby Gatsby cry.  When everyone left the house, they left him in the from of the house. I can’t do anything to get him in here.  It’s killing me that I am not able to get out of my bed. I’m so pissed off right now!!!! Frustration Central here!!!

This was’t supposed to be my life! And for those who might say that life’s not fair… Fuck You! I know this first hand. The funny thing is that the people who usually say that, have no health issues or anything else for that matter! I think I’m allowed to be be pissed!! Since my fall five months ago, I’ve been bed-ridden, unable to get get up w/o using the 900.00 lift I had to buy, and utterly alone.

I do put on a ‘happy’ face most days, or at least I try to. This is why I have not blogged for some time. Even when I’m angry and depressed I usually add a dash of humor or attempt to be funny. I make fun of my illness to get through… but ya know, it’s NOT funny, there is no humor in this. I’ve been fighting since 1986 according to the MS specialists at UCLA. I’m fucking tired. I’m trapped in a  body I hate, ummm, scratch that… I’m trapped in a prison that is my body. Try spending 24/7 in bed, relying on, begging people around you for help. No privacy, no independence, feeling like a burden, in constant pain. [knees, back, chest, shoulders, neck, etc.] Thankfully not usually at the same time.

Just shoot me!
Just shoot me!

Next month I go back to an MS specialist to get on a new poison err medication to try and help me get a lil something back. Those who know about this wonder why I’m not excited. Why? Well the last 4 MS meds actually helped and I got excited… but the excitement faded when the side effects were killing my liver so I had to stop. The more excited I get, the bigger the fall. So, excuse me for erring on the side of caution. I’m tired…

I truly wish I had something funny to end with, but it’s just not in me right now. Think I’ll take something to help me feel no pain so I can get through the shit that is my life. Call me the pity party Queen if you will. Frankly I don’t give a shit. Hmmm maybe I’ll go buy some shoes I won’t wear anytime soon…

BTW… being 50 sucks!!!

Anger · Craziness · Family · Fear · Health · HELL · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM · Stupid Stuff

Just thinking out loud

Tracy5 Comments

Things I can’t do anymore:

dress by myself, get out of bed, go to the tinkletorium, drive, walk [duh], sleep on my side, lift myself up, use the stove/oven, go out in the sun, put on shoes, garden, laundry, vacuum, travel, cook, hold my bladder 😉

Things I can do:

sleep on my back [boring], watch endless amounts of tv/dvds/netflix, use the computer, manage our money, sleep [I’m the pro], love, hope

I know I’m in a state of limbo right now. Not sure what to do or how to do it. Knowing is the first step. Coming out of it is the hardest step. I’ll get there…

Love and Light

“Knowing you’re falling is the first step to getting back up”  – T Radford

Christmas · Hope · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · Stupid Stuff

Wheel-Chariot of my dreams!

Tracy4 Comments
Quantum Rehab
Quantum Rehab

This is the chair I need, want, and must have! It has a leg elevating option which will help my ankles not to swell. It reclines and can elevate a few inches to help reach things. I’m working on getting this sometime in the next few months. I have to jump through insurance hoops, but I’m used to that. MY neurologist is sending the store my diagnosis report, then they get with my insurance to see how much, if any, they will pay. Once that is done a representative comes to my home to get measurements, etc.

Insurance will not help much. They feel a wheelchair only needs to get you from point A to point B. It does not need elevating legs, recline, or elevation. They call those ‘luxuries’!  Are they fucking kidding me!! It’s a ‘luxury’ to elevate my legs, to recline, and make it easier to reach things? WOW!! I guess it’s a luxury to be crippled too! grrrrrr I didn’t ask for MS so why is it so hard to want to be able to have a chair that helps me live my life with MS.

I’ll do whatever I have to, to get this chair. I spend my time in bed as the chair I have is a basic model. After 20 minutes of sitting my legs swell and my lower back is in pain. This ‘new’ chair will allow me to get up and get going. I will be able to make my jewelry again because I’ll be able to elevate my legs at the table. I haven’t made anything for so long and I miss it terribly. If I have to, I’ll sell myself on the boulevard… Okay probably not, but you get my point. lmao I really need this chair. When I found it whilst surfing the net, I started crying. I saw my ‘new’ life with this chair. I want an orange base for MS and animal awareness. It will be so cool. I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas!

I’m  back to getting the excess weight off again. I figure, if I have to be in a wheel-chariot, I’m going to be a hot bitch in a wheel-chariot! I’ve never been heavy. So this weight gain is very depressing for me. I look in the mirror and cry. Why I don’t look in the mirror much. I know if I lose the weight it will be easier for me and those who help me on a daily basis. I even turned down cherry cheesecake danish today. OMG, it was not easy! Paleo and gluten free is my lifestyle. I will do it this time… I have to.

Love and Light

Anger · Animal Rescue · PAIN · Ramblings · RANDOM

Cage her like the ‘animal’ she is!

Tracy2 Comments

On July 30, 2013 Kisha Curtis plead guilty to animal cruelty in Patrick the Dog case.

For the full story click here.

I just pray that she gets the FULL sentence for her heinous crimes against Patrick. Even then, 18 months is NOT long enough for the torture she put him through. She’s a wicked evil piece of shit. How anyone could do that to a living being is beyond me. Pure evil she is!

Patrick is a true miracle.

Patrick- Easter 2013. Photo from GSVS Pet Hospital
Patrick- Easter 2013.
Photo from GSVS Pet Hospital

********************************

From my blog here.

March 2011

Starved to the point where he had no temperature, then thrown down a garbage chute like yesterday’s trash, this was the life of Patrick. He is an approximately one year old Pit/Mix who was brutally mistreated/tortured by his owner.

abused and left for dead

But this amazing puppy has more spirit than many humans I know and he held on. He made it through the night to March 17, St. Patrick’s Day, and was given the name Patrick.

these eyes…

If these eyes could talk, most would probably not be able to listen about the torture he went through.

My spirit is strong!

I will fight to help other animals that are abused.

Thank You!!

Please help end this cruelty. Remember, it starts with animals and moves on to the children. Someone who could do this to a living creature, could do this to anyone.

Love and Light

 

Fear · FUCK · Hope · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Primary Progressive MS · Quotes

Down but NEVER out…

Tracy10 Comments

Was hoping today would be better. The legs are better, no swelling. Sadly woke up this morning and had nothing. Couldn’t hardly move a muscle. Took me some time, but finally got my tush transferred to my chair. Now, I’m a skeered to try and transfer back to my bed. Falling is always a fear. I’ll eventually muster up the strength to get back in to my bed. I’ll never quit trying, mainly due the fact this chair is hurting my ass. 😛  Wish me luck!

hehe

Fuuuuuck, I’m so bored!!!

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite Quotes;

When the World says, “Give up.” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time!” – anonymous

I will always keep trying! Peace out! xx, Tracy

Anger · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm

Another Med Bites the Dust… Hey Hey!

Tracy13 Comments

Figures, right? Another med bites the dust. I was really beginning to think this one may be the one. Not so much, My liver count went up more, 3rd month in a row, so now the Tysabri will stop. Wonder when the next miracle drug will come out? **insert sarcasm…

figures…

Why I tried it in the first place is beyond me. It’s mainly for RRMS [relapsing-remitting] not for PPMS [primary-progressive]. That’ll teach me to think a new med will work for me. Now we’ll see what the new game plan is; new med, try it again later. I have taught myself NEVER to get my hopes up, sadly this time I did not listen. I feel like I’m mourning a death of some kind. The death of a new beginning? I don’t know… Hopefully if I try another ‘miracle’ drug it will utilize my port. roflmao Now what… do I have it removed, keep it in just in case? Again, I don’t know. Not sure how many more medication let-downs my heart can take. It’s been six thus far. Fuuuuuuuuck, fuck, fuck!!

Not quite sure what to do with myself… hmmm my bed looks comfy…

Peace out! xx

Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Ramblings · RANDOM

Did anyone get the number of the bus that hit me?

Tracy10 Comments

Wow, that’s what I feel like right now. Legs swelling, migraines, tingly all over my arms. This is the price I pay for doing what I love; making jewelry. Seriously…

When I make my jewelry I sit for hours at my design table in the front. Long periods of sitting wreak havoc on my body. I know, must sound strange since I live my life in a wheel-chariot. The difference is, when not making jewelry, I switch positions a lot. Lie in my bed legs elevated, switch to my chair for a bit then back in bed. Now, I know I could take breaks, but once I get in the ‘mood’ nothing can break me away from my table. I can’t start something without finishing it. Type A here people! Being ill didn’t change that, just makes it harder for me.

I was making things non-stop from Tuesday thru Friday. Friday night it started. My left leg looked like a watermelon and my right arm and shoulder pain brought me to tears. Thank God for Norco and Soma! 😉 No real sleep that night and Saturday was not much better. Did a few things then hubby said enough. I knew I must have felt bad as I never listen to the hubby! lol Sunday the arm/shoulder pain was gone [phew], but the fucking migraine would not go away!! Spent the day in my bed, legs elevated, and highly medicated. Got in trouble as I have to get on the net, even if it’s just for a few, to post and share animals in need. Hubby knows not to tell me no to that! 😛

Well, here’s Monday… Supposed to go for my 9th Tysabri infusion. Legs still have swelling, migraine still lingering and arm tingles came back. Now waiting to see if my liver count is ok to continue the Tysabri. Hopefully they’ll call me back. As it stands I go Friday I’ll find out. JOY!

BUT…

Did get some new things going on in my shop, so it’s not all bad!

A few examples below!

Butterfly Cameo Necklace
Red Awareness Cell/Purse Charm

Well peeps, back off to my bed!! Hope everyone is doing well!!

Peace out!! xx

Family · Happiness · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Ramblings · RANDOM

No Walk for the Wicked… err, Roll!

Tracy12 Comments

I know I know, you’re all dying to know if i made the walk.. Well, by my title, nope!

My legs are swelling so much and the pain is seeping in. Been lying in my bed with my legs elevated and watching Grimm on DVR. Roger and Shelby went to the walk, which makes me feel better. I’ll get my t-shirt!! 😉 Hoping they get some good photos I can share of my fabulous team, Tracy’s MSkateer’s!

I know I’ve been kind of a bummer in a couple of my blogs… don’t mean to be. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I can’t shake the blues off of my shoulders. Believe me, I fight them every day. On the up side, even when I’m down… I’ll never stay down for too long!

Truth!

I’m lucky, as no matter how bad it gets I have the best support system behind me. My family and friends rock and always make me smile no matter how hard the tears are falling. That, in itself, makes me one of the luckiest people in the World! Now if only I could win the Lotto! 😛

Love and Light, Tracy

Anger · FUCK · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Ramblings · RANDOM

Where is the rock for me to crawl under?

Tracy14 Comments

I’ve been trying so hard to get out out of  the ‘whatever’ mood I’m in. I’ve been blogging [duh], updating my jewelry shop[s], tweeting and pinning like a mad woman… but I just can’t seem to shake the blahs. I just wanna crawl under a rock!

hiding...

Tomorrow is the MSWalk2012 and I’m so not feeling it. My legs have not been cooperating. Even being in a wheel-chariot all the time the legs have issues. I’ve been getting the shakes, and from sitting all the time, serious ankle swelling. Not liking ‘kankles’!! 😛 Kind of sucks when you have to sit and then you get issues from it. **SMH** It hurts when the legs swell and embarrassing when they just start shaking all over the place. Hubby calls it ‘the rhythm’ and always asks if I wanna dance! Dork! lol I’m fighting between dealing with pain and embarrassment, to the guilt feeling of not going. My team, Tracy’sMSkateers are the best. They had a big ole bake sale at NBC/Universal yesterday to raise money for our team. Think they raised over 1000.00!! Woot Woot! I feel like if I don’t go I’m letting them down. I really want to go, but really not a fan of pain. I even bought a cute orange shirt for the walk…

I’m going to confess something I have not really touched on in the past. I hate me! I really do not like going out in to public due to the all the weight I have gained since being in my wheel-chariot. I was once tall [6′] and skinny. Now I’m short [4’4″ in my wheel-chariot] and huge. I have gained almost 60 pounds and I hate the way I look. I try to keep away from mirrors as I get depressed. I will take responsibility that I sometimes eat what I shouldn’t, but most days I eat right. It’s so hard to lose weight when you are immobile. I’m embarrassed by my weight, and prefer hiding out at home. I know the extra weight is not helping my MS either. It truly has nothing to do with what others think… it’s all about what I think. So in a nutshell… I hate what I have become.

xx, Tracy...