On March 12th, I turned 50. I told myself that on this day I would be able to stand up again or at least be able transfer to my wheelchair. Well, didn’t happen.

I’m sitting here, on my bed, listening to my baby Gatsby cry.  When everyone left the house, they left him in the from of the house. I can’t do anything to get him in here.  It’s killing me that I am not able to get out of my bed. I’m so pissed off right now!!!! Frustration Central here!!!

This was’t supposed to be my life! And for those who might say that life’s not fair… Fuck You! I know this first hand. The funny thing is that the people who usually say that, have no health issues or anything else for that matter! I think I’m allowed to be be pissed!! Since my fall five months ago, I’ve been bed-ridden, unable to get get up w/o using the 900.00 lift I had to buy, and utterly alone.

I do put on a ‘happy’ face most days, or at least I try to. This is why I have not blogged for some time. Even when I’m angry and depressed I usually add a dash of humor or attempt to be funny. I make fun of my illness to get through… but ya know, it’s NOT funny, there is no humor in this. I’ve been fighting since 1986 according to the MS specialists at UCLA. I’m fucking tired. I’m trapped in a  body I hate, ummm, scratch that… I’m trapped in a prison that is my body. Try spending 24/7 in bed, relying on, begging people around you for help. No privacy, no independence, feeling like a burden, in constant pain. [knees, back, chest, shoulders, neck, etc.] Thankfully not usually at the same time.

Just shoot me!

Just shoot me!

Next month I go back to an MS specialist to get on a new poison err medication to try and help me get a lil something back. Those who know about this wonder why I’m not excited. Why? Well the last 4 MS meds actually helped and I got excited… but the excitement faded when the side effects were killing my liver so I had to stop. The more excited I get, the bigger the fall. So, excuse me for erring on the side of caution. I’m tired…

I truly wish I had something funny to end with, but it’s just not in me right now. Think I’ll take something to help me feel no pain so I can get through the shit that is my life. Call me the pity party Queen if you will. Frankly I don’t give a shit. Hmmm maybe I’ll go buy some shoes I won’t wear anytime soon…

BTW… being 50 sucks!!!

Comments
  1. vikki89 says:

    I got nothing! I wish I could help or make it better. All I have are cyber hugs! I know not the same as a lending hand or a miracle drug. But you do inspire me even when you’re tired. You’re still fighting!

    Xoxo

    Ps I think 50 sucks too!

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  2. Deb Darby says:

    Good for you to rant! I’m thankful for your pain meds, MzT. I understand you’re tired, not as the patient, but as Michael’s caretaker…so just rest and allow them to work. ❤

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  3. I just turned 50 too, on March 2. Frankly, I’m not sure what to think. For most of the past month my whole body seems to be sabotaging me. My legs don’t want to work, hurt like hell, my back and left hip hurt so much using the toilet is brings on a painful numbness, if that makes sense. I can’t shake this oppressive fatigue, all I want to do is sleep, but of course, that doesn’t come easily because of the pain. Honey, I don’t have MS so I won’t say I know just what you’re feeling, but some of it I do understand. Since we’re not close enough to spend time together, I’ll just remind you that you’re loved. oxox

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  4. Liz Chalfant says:

    Tracy, I wish words were available that could help you not have the pain and suffering that you experience. I wish there was something, anything that could help you not have the pain and suffering resulting from MS. I know you are a much wiser, and thoughtful person that I am because of what you go through. I cannot begin to imagine what you feel. But I want to thank you for educating me. You have my sympathy, appreciation, and respect.

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  5. rammieszoo says:

    FUCK MS!! I hate this disease more than my own for all that it has taken from you and that fam! I wish I could take your pain. I wish I could give you my legs! I would!!

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  6. Mary says:

    The whole thing just really makes me pissed off too!! I know you want to get out of that bed and continue with a life, and this rotten fucking disease is a monster that never goes back in the closet. My sister tells me how her MS makes her feel…when she had the whole eye issue and then never knowing when it will come back and if she could lose her sight…it’s fucking scary, all of it, no matter what you deal with, the whole disease is fucking scary. The whole thing about the meds too, you started to feel better and then the whole liver issue…WTH! Are the doctors telling you that you can’t have some sort of pain-free happiness? Is the liver issue an instant problem? Will you suddenly develop some liver related disease? Is it better for them to see you bed-ridden?

    I was never a huge advocate of medications, until I contracted that virus in 2008, and was left in a constant pain/inflammatory disease and there ain’t no doctor that is gonna tell me I can’t take a medication because it will affect another organ….gosh damn it, they are constantly checking my liver enzymes because of my meds and so far nothing horrible has happened. I would rather see you be given the chance with a med and see what happens, instead of them making you dread everything.

    Sorry to rant, my sweet friend, I hate them treating you this way..it hurts!!

    You are always in my thoughts! ❤ xoxo

    Like

  7. You look amazing for 50! miss you xo

    Like

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