Category: FUCK

FUCK · Health · Multiple Sclerosis · Primary Progressive MS · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm · Silly · Strength

Warning: Pissy Bitch Alert!!!

Tracy12 Comments

I know, what’s new? 😛

Here’s the deal, I have pendants ready to be added to chains and crystals ready to added to that. Last night I made the prettiest cameo necklace and then realized the chain I used was antique copper and the pendant was antique brass. DOH! I spent so much time on it and was so discouraged… took pics, got em all ready, and went hmmm, doesn’t look right. Looked at hubby, threw my hands ups, and rolled back to my room. I think it was karma [or the Norco] as I should not be out at my table right now. My legs, left mostly, will not stop swelling up. I’ve been keeping them elevated and everything and they/it will not go down. HATE kankles!!! I do not want to tell my neuro because every time this has happened in the past, he sends me to the ‘Big House’ [hospital] for a 3 day IV Solumedrol vacation. I WILL NOT do steroids any more. Sorry!!

The worst part is the pain in my right shoulder going down my arm. After a few minutes at the design table the pain starts. Might be a tendon or something. Too scared to find out and no way to get to the doctor. It’s tough on Roger to take so much time off work for me, and not fair to him. I must say, I’m really loving my Norco right now.

My Precious!!!

What sucks is I cannot sleep on my left side, hip pain. I can’t sleep on my back, DD [degenerative disc] so, I have to sleep on my right side. Soooo not fair!! Someone cut me a break please!!

Yes, I’m having a “Pity Party”, and all are welcome!!

I’m just so tired of being sick and tired. This was not supposed to be my life. I know, it is, deal with it, right? Easier said than done. I’ve had people say that it happened to me because I am so strong. They say that if it had happened to them, they would have crumbled. Um, Thanks, I think. I’m really not as strong as some think…

On a lighter note… yes I know, Random! A little funny for your day/night:

Classic! rofl

Or, as the Fabulous Vicki would say…A good day is when I don’t roll over and crunch someone’s toes!! 😉 Click on her name and visit her blog, it’s awesome!!

Peace Out!! xx

Anger · FUCK · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Ramblings · RANDOM

Where is the rock for me to crawl under?

Tracy14 Comments

I’ve been trying so hard to get out out of  the ‘whatever’ mood I’m in. I’ve been blogging [duh], updating my jewelry shop[s], tweeting and pinning like a mad woman… but I just can’t seem to shake the blahs. I just wanna crawl under a rock!

hiding...

Tomorrow is the MSWalk2012 and I’m so not feeling it. My legs have not been cooperating. Even being in a wheel-chariot all the time the legs have issues. I’ve been getting the shakes, and from sitting all the time, serious ankle swelling. Not liking ‘kankles’!! 😛 Kind of sucks when you have to sit and then you get issues from it. **SMH** It hurts when the legs swell and embarrassing when they just start shaking all over the place. Hubby calls it ‘the rhythm’ and always asks if I wanna dance! Dork! lol I’m fighting between dealing with pain and embarrassment, to the guilt feeling of not going. My team, Tracy’sMSkateers are the best. They had a big ole bake sale at NBC/Universal yesterday to raise money for our team. Think they raised over 1000.00!! Woot Woot! I feel like if I don’t go I’m letting them down. I really want to go, but really not a fan of pain. I even bought a cute orange shirt for the walk…

I’m going to confess something I have not really touched on in the past. I hate me! I really do not like going out in to public due to the all the weight I have gained since being in my wheel-chariot. I was once tall [6′] and skinny. Now I’m short [4’4″ in my wheel-chariot] and huge. I have gained almost 60 pounds and I hate the way I look. I try to keep away from mirrors as I get depressed. I will take responsibility that I sometimes eat what I shouldn’t, but most days I eat right. It’s so hard to lose weight when you are immobile. I’m embarrassed by my weight, and prefer hiding out at home. I know the extra weight is not helping my MS either. It truly has nothing to do with what others think… it’s all about what I think. So in a nutshell… I hate what I have become.

xx, Tracy...
Fear · FUCK · HELL · PAIN · Sarcasm

The Face of Dog Fighting!!

Tracy9 Comments

This is Nathan.

the face of dog dog fighting

This is from toanimalrescue

04.10.12 NATHAN…this is what a victim of dog fighting looks like. Just picked up from the FW shelter and on the way to the vet. We are full , full, full but we could NOT turn away from this dog. So we will be asking for all the help we can get. Here is my update to the shelter posting: Judy Obregon from TAO rescue has picked up this dog and he is currently on the way to the vet. She has named the dog Nathan and she will be updating soon, but now transport to the vet and vet attention takes priority. His condition is shocking, Judy says he looks to have lost a nostril . We are asking for pledges to be honored and donations to be made to him either on the TAO wall donation button,which is at the top of the page. www.facebook.com/taoanimalrescue Initially, we requested that donations can be made directly to the vet but his office has now been inundated with calls asking about his condition, but few donations so the vet has now asked that donations be made directly to us or mailed to him. Let us know if you need his mailing address.. Please keep in mind that he may need to see another vet for surgical repair . Thank you.

——————————————

Nathan didn’t make it through surgery.

RIP Nathan, I’m so sorry the humans did this to you!

Does this make you angry? Does it make you care? Does it make you sick to your stomach???? GOOD, I hope it does!! Wake up World and help put an end to Dog Fighting!! We NEED to take a stand.

If you know this is going on near you, call the authorities! Turn the sick, small minded, weak, cowardice, psychopaths in and make them pay for this horrific crime!!! The laws need to change. The monsters need to do serious time. Michael [small dick] Vick was only charged with illegal gambling. Even though, with his own two grimy hands, he took the life of hundreds of dogs. Beating, drowning, shooting them. And then he got his job back in the NFL!!! WTF… how is that possible. Guess being rich gets charges reduced eh!!

When I saw Nathan had passed my tears would not stop flowing. PLEASE, I beg you, get involved!

“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” -Mahatma Gandhi

How great is your Nation???

Family · FUCK · Health · Multiple Sclerosis · Quotes · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm

No more sugar coating it…MS suuuuucks!!

Tracy14 Comments

I try hard to find the humor in having MS, but honestly…NOT funny! For me, the only way to cope is to find the humor. It’s getting harder daily.

To be ‘upbeat’ about it, I do have blessings in my life. I have a hubby who stands by me, 3 fabulous teenagers [yes fabulous and teenagers in the same breath], a roof over my head, food, and the list goes on. Roger [hubby] has spoiled me: mini fridge in my room, microwave, 40″ flat screen, hospital table, MAC, iPad, iPhone, etc. My parents purchased me an awesome king size adjustable bed. So on the outside it may seem ‘all good’. Yes, what a life. I can spend my time cozy in my bed, watching my Crossing Jordan on Netflix, dozing, cuddling up with my 3 dogs, play on my MAC. Joyous, right!

But on the inside emptiness prevails. I’m alone most of the day, no way to just get up and go, have a life…a quality life. I can no longer make my jewelry as my hands drop things all the time. The stress and sadness that causes is unbearable. Yet another thing my MS has taken away from me. Sometimes I think I must have been a real bitch in a previous life! Most people would laugh and say, “In a previous life?!!” 😛

So how do I cope? Never said I do, I just keep on breathing. I’ll never cope too much has been taken from me. Being primary progressive is a slow drawn out death. When dx’ed in 1997 [finally] I have gone from a cane, AFO’s, walker, manual wc, to a power wc. The fatigue is paralyzing. And fatigue and being tired are two separate issues. Being tired, I can sleep. Being fatigued, I just lie there, empty and alone.

please no more

I’m feeling all of this right now as new issues happening yet again. I’ve tried many different meds. All of which did not help or caused other problems. Now, the Tysabri, may have to be stopped due to a rise in my liver counts. We will find out next month. Two blood test have shown a rise, if the third does, yet again, another med bites the dust. After awhile you feel like ‘why the fuck should I keep trying!’ With every new issue it feels like another part of you has died. The mourning period starts.

I know, I know, “Poor me, pour me a drink!” I wish a pity party was that simple. And trust me, the last I want or need is anyones pity!! That just pisses me off. This blogging thing is to help me get it out and down in to words. Trust me, I know I’m no writer, but it’s my blog and I can blog if I want to! HA!!! I’ve not been blogging much as my hands will not cooperate. I have Dragon Naturally speaking and am trying to figure it out. lol My problem is it won’t allow the work fuck!! You know that doesn’t work for me! 😉 Figured I’d blog to let my readers know I’m still alive and hmmm not kicking… you get the idea.

One last lil’ diddy… ‘Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.’

Off to watch more Crossing Jordan! [love me some Nigel]

Peace out peeps and peepettes!

Craziness · FUCK · Ramblings · Sarcasm · Silly

Hotel Hell update!!

Tracy8 Comments

After my blog yesterday, the Fabulous Vicki Day tweeted it to @hiltononline. Well soon after, hiltononline tweeted me asking me to dm them. I did, and after a few dms they called me.

The explanation was, to say the least [the very least], comical! Really, all I heard was blah, blah, blah.

The gentleman who phoned was very business like and polite. I’m sure the typical PR guy. The reasoning behind the reservation person saying that I could reserve the room, but no guarantees, was due to… get this, here it comes… natural disasters! You know, floods, earthquakes, even fires. You see if they guarantee the room and this happens then issues can arise. Seriously… do I sound [or look like] I have STUPID written on my forehead? I mean really, if that happens the majority of people would understand. It was very hard for me to keep from lmao and saying something sarcastic.

Marriott had no problem guaranteeing my room.

I explained that I told the guy [reservationist] that if I got there and the room was gone, I would expect my money back so I could go elsewhere and was told, no, there is a 48 hours cancellation policy. PR guy said that if that happened they would definitely accommodate me and find me the proper room I needed. Now I’m confused, do they not train the reservationists? [maybe Paris trains them, oh wait she does nothing] If the RG [reservation guy] had explained the natural disaster problem [roflmao] I would have said okay! But, I know, from experience that the real issue is someone coming in before we get there, needing a roll in shower and them giving it to that person. How do I know this… because  this was done for me at the Hilton Garden Inn when my friend and I had a mom’s night away. [now I feel like shit for that] We said we would go elsewhere, but he said, no he could change the rooms. Anything for a buck!!

Like the Hilton's need more money... grrrrr

The PR guy also said he would give me their direct number, and in the future I can call them directly and they will get the manager to make sure I get the room reserved. Just train your fucking employees.

So there you have it! Again, all I heard was blah, blah, blah!

PEACE!!!!

Anger · FUCK · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm

Hotel HELL

Tracy12 Comments

In my head I do not ‘see’ myself as crippled. I just see me. Unfortunately there are little issues that pop up to remind me.

Next week we are heading to Carlsbad/San Diego so I can go see my Uncle, the dentist. Finally going to find out what’s happening with my painful mouth. We usually stay with my parents in Carlsbad at their home, but it can be rough for me with no ‘crippled’ access. Roger and I decided we would stay in a hotel nearby with the roll in showers and accessible rooms. We had stayed at the Hampton Inn Carlsbad once before and it was perfect. Now, here’s where the fun starts. I called to make a reservation making sure I could get a roll-in shower room. They said they were booked for those rooms on those dates but had an ADA bathtub room. I explained that will not work for me and he said to try the hotel next door, the Homewood Suites by Hilton. Okay, cool. I thanked him and called. The Homewood Suites had no availability for these rooms either so he said he would call the Hilton Garden Inn Carlsbad. By now I’m feeling a bit nervous and stressed and crippled. All this to get a hotel room? I figured 3rd times the charm, right? Wrong!

The Hilton Garden Inn had roll-in shower available rooms. Woot woot! Not so much. Now we could pay for and ‘reserve’ this room…but…they can not guarantee we will get the roll-in room. Ummmmm, what? I’m paying for the reservation [reserving] the roll-in room, but you cannot guarantee it. WTF! Basically, we can pay for it, but once we get there is may not be available and we will get an ADA bathtub room. Now I’m not only confused but getting angry and tearing up. I ask the guy why the other hotel has the rooms and also has them reserved for the people. [why I couldn’t get one there] He’s sorry but there will be no guarantees for the roll-in room. I explain that if we pay for it and it is not available that I will need to cancel and get my money back so I CAN find a hotel with the room I need. He explains that no money will be refunded as it’s a two day cancellation policy. I then explained that the ADA will not be happy to hear about this.

After a few no so nice, yet adult like comments, I hung up. Wow, I can’t even get a hotel room… I really am crippled! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

I call my parents and burst into tears explaining what happened. After a few minutes, I calmed down, [thank you Cheryl] regained my composure, and realized I can tough it out for two days in their house. It’s just the bathrooms that cause me stress.

Now that I was composed, I noticed there was a Marriott nearby as well. I figured, maybe the 4th time is the charm and fuck Hilton! 😛

Dialing the number, crossing everything, I call The Courtyard By Marriott Carlsbad. [oh please, oh please] My first question to the sweet voice on the other end was, “Do you have roll-in shower rooms?” She says yes. My second question was, “If we reserve one, will we be sure to get one?” She says yes, they will reserve it and put a block on that room for me!!! HALLELUJAH…HALLELUJAH Really, I heard music! So this  lovely girl made our reservations, blocked the room, and instantly sent me a confirmation.

Marriott - a crippled persons dream! :p

My stress was lifted, my spoons replenished. I will NEVER deal with Hilton again. They may be and have accessible rooms, but they are NOT cripple friendly. Marriott, you are my new love, Thank You!!

Love and light peeps!

FUCK · Health · Medical · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm · Stupid Stuff

2012 Hooray?

Tracy8 Comments

I’ve been asked recently why I haven’t blogged, honestly, I’m just blah! Lately not much on caring or really even trying. 2012 started out with flu going through my house. 

I have not had the flu for years thanks to my MS. Yes… thanks to my MS. My immune system is so overactive that colds and flus go right past me. The Tysabri infusions suppress my immune system, so, lucky me got sick! As we all know the flu makes ya all weak and shit. Times that by 1000. I’m already weak so the flu pretty much paralyzed me. Happy fucking joy joy! I’m trying to be positive that since the year started out so horribly, it can only get better. <insert sarcastic evil laugh> When I used to think that way I went from legs braces to a cane to a walker to a wheel-chariot. So the ‘it can only get better’ comment doesn’t mean all that much to me.

On a positive note… I’m getting a Picc Line inserted in the next month or so. My veins are pretty much non-existent and it hurts like a beotch when trying to find my veins. So this is a good thing. It’s a damn good thing I’m not an intravenous drug user! Seriously!! lmao

Now to share an amazing song my kid’s former nanny, Marilyn, hooked me up with. We are so blessed to still have her in our family after all theses years! She knows me so well, this is my song!

Hard Life – Brad Paisley

_______________________

Lyrics

Stop starin’ at me
Leave the sad looks at home
Everybody feels bad,
And you don’t understand,
It’s not like I’m alone

‘Cause everyone has battles to fight
And I don’t need your sympathy tonight

Yeah, it’s a hard life
But I’m okay
If I didn’t have this, I wouldn’t be who I am today
And I have lots of friends
Oh, and I have love
And yeah, I have a hard life but in some ways everybody does

There’s a lot I can’t do
But don’t be judgin me

I’m in a body I hate 
But I have my faith, more then what you see

So what if I can’t kick a soccer ball into a goal?
I feel like I can lift 500 pounds with my soul

Yeah, it’s a hard life
Oh, but I’m okay
If I didn’t have this, I wouldn’t be who I am today
And I have lots of friends
Oh, and I have love
Yeah, I have a hard life but in some ways everybody does

And some like me have lost their battle
But they will be the sun that gives you warmth,
And lights the way so we can shine on

Yeah, it’s a hard life
But I’m okay
If I didn’t have this, I wouldn’t be who I am today
And I have lots of friends
Oh, and I have love
Yeah, I have a hard life but in some ways everybody does
Yeah, I have a hard life but in some ways everybody does

_______________________

Love and Light! xx, Tracy

Anger · FUCK · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings · RANDOM · Sarcasm

Lost and all alone…

Tracy8 Comments

Well, I’m still here. Not in a blogging mood lately. Hard to type and I get so jumbled that nothing comes out right. I’m just glad that I’m fantastic when it comes to ‘acting’ happy. I’m so tired of all the, ‘life is good’. ‘you are in control’, and blah blah blah. MS took away my ‘control’. Please don’t tell me it could be worse, as it is getting worse. I’m sure others hate their illness just like I hate mine. I think boredom sets in and i get depressed. Unless you live in my ‘chair’ in the prison that is my home, you cannot understand. Being trapped like a caged animal is paralyzing…

I know some of my friends know this feeling as they are in the same boat as me. I try to find the good and be upbeat. I can tell you that it takes a ton of energy to do that. I’m so tired of fighting this battle.

that be me...

 If I sound bitter, it’s because I am bitter. Life is NOT good… no always. Some of us fight struggles that no one can ever comprehend. Those are the ones that usually say ‘it could be worse’. **F bomb alert** Well fuck them. Their biggest problem is a job they hate or the sniffles. If I sound bitter, it’s because I am bitter. And as for prayers, do NOT get me started. My girl Ruby and I were told if we prayed right we would be healed!! Well hot damn, I’m on my fucking knees. I have no problem for those why want to pray for me… just don’t be surprised when it doesn’t work.

Hopefully this’tude’ will pass soon. It usually does. But, I’m not going to feel bad for being pissed, angry or bitter anymore. There are some that make me feel like I should just ‘get over it’! To you I say, ‘Let’s trade lives.’ To anyone out there dealing with chronic illness and any of these feelings, just know it IS ok to feel this way and vent. Do not let anyone make you feel bad if you do. Until they walk, err roll, a mile in my [our] chairs they can just STFU!!

Peace out!