Category: Fear

Anger · Fear · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings

Reality sets in

Tracy14 Comments

When life sets in and slaps ya, it sucks!! My kids go back to school this coming Monday. My son is now going into the 11th grade and my girls are starting HS, 9th grade. Every year we have to get all the paperwork in, proof of residence, registration, pick up books, bus passes, etc. Not being able to drive my poor hubby has to take of work to get all these things done. When the girls registered, they did not have their books in yet, so they had to go back a second time. Then Ashley, being in band camp has a bbq this Friday where parents need to go for all the pricing info for marching band and concert band. Hubbies work is at it’s busiest and it makes it very hard for him to keep taking time off. All of this just lets me know more and more that I am useless and crippled. If I was not ill, I could be doing what the mom is supposed to do. Hubby already has enough on his plate thanks to my illness. As it is, he got Shelby to get her books, but Ashley is just shit-out-of-luck. The band camp bbq is at 5:30 pm. Don’t they know people work? Out where we live people work over an hour away. Commuting baby. I know, it is not their problem, but what about single parents as well? How can they expect parents to be there at these times? 7pm would be much more appropriate for parents.

I know my kids do not mean to make me feel sad, but they get upset when we miss things or have to cancel things. I fully understand. I remember being so jazzed about being the mom of all moms. Sports mom, carpools, etc. My MS has taken all that away from me, worse it has taken me from my family that needs me most. We cannot afford to hire someone to help with these things, so we are on our own. It gets so frustrating for me not being able to do these things for my kids. I HATE being immobile and feeling useless. I’m a worker, not a sitter!!

It is so hard to express how I am feeling right now. Anger, depression, sadness, fear, pain… I try so hard to keep positive, make jokes, be the crazy me. But, this is getting to be too much lately. Sometimes I so wish my hubby would leave me and find someone who can be the wife he deserves and the mom my kids deserve. My heart is breaking right now.

Then to top all of that off, we had to pay 400.00 for bus passes [public school buses]. I figured our taxes should pay for that. Gotta love California and the Terminator. He’s terminating Schools!! Then it is going to cost another 400.00 + for marching and concert band!! WOW!! Just add more salt to my crippled wounds.

Ok, enough depression…I’m off!!

Blessings and Hope!!

Fear · Hope · Ramblings · RANDOM

The Crown Fire Blazes on

Tracy12 Comments

We were allowed back in our home today. Then the next group of homes were evacuated as the fire moves on down the road. Because the brush is low and we have high winds out here the fire is burning quickly. The main concern is protecting the homes in the area. We have had helicopters, various planes, and a DC10 flying overhead since yesterday dropping water and phoschek on the flames.

Status check:
Crown IC (Agua Dulce):
Fire was reported at Thursday July 29, at 2:32pm and it is now at 13,000 acres. Currently we are at 20% containment.

Resources to this fire are the following: 1700 plus Fire Personnel, 6 Copters, 4 Fixed Wing and 1 DC10, 2 Helitankers, 10 Dozers, 3 Water Tenders.

This was how it looked when we got home this morning:

The Day After
The Day After
The Day After ashes fall

I am so thankful that our family is safe, our home is safe and very glad to be back home. Blessings to all going through this ordeal.

I also want to say we have the best firemen/women in the World. They rock!! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do when risking your lives to protect ours. Ya’ll ROCK!!

Blessings and Hope!

—————————

UPDATES:

Evacuation Information
Friday July 30th, 2010: 5:18 a.m. PDT

Palmdale Station is advising the following fire evacuations:

Soledad Canyon
KOA Campground 7601 Soledad Canyon Rd
Robins Nest campground 8237 Soledad canyon Rd
Shambala Wildlife Reserve 6867 Soledad canyon Rd

Leona Valley / West Palmdale
The Ana Verde Community
South of Elizabeth Lake Rd from 90th Street West to 25th Street West.

Evacuation Shelters have been setup at the following locations:

Marie Kerr Park – 2730 West Rancho Vista Blvd, Palmdale
Acton Community Center at 3748 West Nichols Ave, Acton
Agua Dulce Elementary School at 11311 West Frescati St

Residents needing shelter for large animals are asked to go to the Antelope Valley Fair Grounds at 2551 W Avenue H, Lancaster

Road Closures
Friday July 30th, 2010: 12:08 p.m. PDT
Based on ongoing evaluation of the fire and dangerous conditions, Incident Command is ordering a hard road closure in the area of Elizabeth Lake Road from 25th Street West to Bouquet Canyon Rd. Access to Elizabeth Lake Road via Goddie Hill and Bouquet Canyon Rd is also closed.
Access into the area will be restricted to all, including residents. Those residents who have chosen to stay are encouraged to leave.

Access is limited to residents only in the following areas:
Anaverde Community, Rancho Vista, and Shannon Valley.

Family · Fear · Ramblings

Evacuated…

Tracy18 Comments

The Crown Fire has made us leave our home. We were evacuated around 8:45pm.

during the afternoon
evening
leaving home

I so get why people do not want to leave their homes and want to stay and fight. I always called those people morons, now I am one of them. The feelings of ‘will my home be here when we return’ is devastating. We packed up our 3 dogs plus our neighbors dog, our cat, Stewie the bearded dragon, and the 5 of us. We headed over to Courtney’s house. Now there are 10 humans, 10 dogs, 3 cats and one bearded dragon. Talk about a ‘full house’! We have no idea when we can go back to our home. I feel sick to my stomach. The fear is overwhelming. I’m trying to keep positive thoughts and hoping that our home will be ok when we are allowed to return.

yellow evacuation areas

I’m not sure what to say… I’m scared, lost, and worried. At least my family is safe!!!

Blessings and Hope

Fear · Hope

What if…

Tracy12 Comments

I cannot sleep. Hubby is sleeping peacefully beside me softly breathing. I am sitting here with thoughts flying all over the place. What if  the medication doesn’t work? What if it makes me sick? What if I get the bad side effects? Then back to, what if it doesn’t work? I have waited for so long to find something to help me. I hate my wheelchair, I hate my non-working body. I hate MS!!! What if it doesn’t work? I’m so scared right now. I’m not expecting a miracle as those do not happen to me. I try to remain strong, be positive, keep smiling, hide the real pain. I’m afraid what it will do to my psyche if it doesn’t work. Will I find the inner strength like I always do, or will this be where I finally say no more? What if it doesn’t work and they cannot find anything else for me? What if by the time they do I am too far along in my disease?

This is an overwhelming feeling for me to be so full of fear regarding myself. I usually can put on the happy, silly, sarcastic Tracy face and keep on plugging along. But this, this is a huge breakthrough right now regarding walking for those with MS. I’m not complaining, I’m scared. I have a roof over my head, my hubby has a job, my kids are taken care, so I’m not complaining. I’m just scared.

What if...

It’s almost midnight here and my back is burning in pain, I can’t sleep as way too many thoughts are floating around in my head. My back pain will subside thanks to my meds, so I’m not complaining. I’m just scared.

I want to walk again so bad I can taste it. I know I cannot expect it to happen fully for me as my legs are pretty much useless, but even some strength back would suffice. OK!! Bullshit, I want it all back, but I have to be realistic. I’ll still have the fatigue, degenerative disc disorder, tremors, weakness, migraines, and all the rest of the joy that is MS. Even a little leg strength will help. Right? Then I think will walking even matter? I do not remember how and with my hyper-extended knee will I be able to? Shit, I need to stop over thinking don’t I?

I guess tomorrow, err today is another day…

Blessings and Hope!

Anger · Fear · Hope · Love · Multiple Sclerosis · PAIN · Ramblings

Epiphany? Wicked wake up call…

Tracy30 Comments

It all started with an email from my hubby that had me in tears. I knew it was time to take it, my life, back from my illness[s]. He is suffering emotionally and physically due to my illness. I finally realized that once upon a time, I said I would not let my disease[s] take me over. I realize now, I have done just that. I have literally stopped trying and have been letting it all take me away from me. Almost like I am laying down to die. The ‘why bother’, the ‘who cares anyway’. This person is NOT me! I am and have always been a fighter. I do not give up on things. It may take me a bit to finish certain things in my life, but I will finish them in the end. I am no quitter.

I have Primary Progressive MS, spastic colon, incontinence, degenerative disc disorder, prone to anxiety attacks, depression [sometimes severe], esophagus issues, pain, tremors, and too many little things that come with all this to mention. BUT, I can work with some of these. Food is my biggest enemy. Gluten, soy, dairy, certain veges and seed items are bad for Autoimmune disorders. They can cause terrible problems for me. Processed foods, and fake sugars and fake fats are bad as well. I know this and almost 2 years ago I changed my lifestyle and cut out the crap foods and learned to eat the right way. No supplement drinks, pills, or ‘fake’ foods. I lost over 20 pounds and felt great. No, it did not make me walk again, no it did not cure me, but it sure helped my overall emotional self. My stomach issues all about disappeared.  My fatigue lessened. I still had my not so great days, bu they were much fewer.

So WTF happened?? I gave up. I gave in. I got down one day and let it take me over and went back to my old habits. Gained the weight back and all the good things that happened faded. I could not find my way back. Now, I am  not saying this was a bad thing or even that I won’t have bad days again. I am saying that I am going to work at getting ME back. Fighting this wicked disease that has crippled me and do everything I can TO find my way back.

And it all began from the email from my  hubby. He loves me, completely and true. But, he started losing himself. Sadness and fear overtook him. The worry for me was killing him. I was letting my disease kill me slowly. I was not seeing what it was doing to him and my children. I was lost in my MS. I knew as I read that letter that I needed to take a stand against my MS. I got up and got my ass over to me motorized pedaler and got to work. I lifted my small weights and am slowly getting back to eating the way humans are supposed to eat. Not the way the BS food industry says we should eat. They do not care about us, they care about selling shit food to us and making money off of us. NO more.

Will I slip? Will I have bad days ahead? Will I lose myself again? Maybe! But that’s ok. It’s all about baby steps.

Baby steps here…

to be continued…

Anger · Fear · Ramblings · Sarcasm

Insanity…

Tracy12 Comments

She can hear the laughter and can imagine the smiles on all the faces. It’s a party, a birthday party for her neighbor. She was invited, but she knew she would not go. Not because she did not want to, but because of the chair she could not rise from.

She cried in the shower so no one could see. She is mad, mad at the world. Her wonderful husband feels the brunt of her anger. The old saying, ‘You always hurt the ones you love’, seems to apply. She knows what she is doing, but she can not stop.

She is sad, she is angry. She hears the music next door. She longs to be there. She can’t. She knows they would move things around to allow her in, but she can’t. It is embarrassing, humiliating, to her. She knows no one would care, but she cares. So, she will not go, will never go.

She hides her pain behind her smile, behind her sarcasm. It is not pride as she has no more pride. It is her pain, her pain of remembering how it used to be. She will get through this, she always does. Or does she? She’s not sure.

Pain

Anger

Sadness

Hatred

Envy

She is filled with all of these. Want, the want to walk again. To be able to drive again without fear. To simply stand up without falling to the floor. To be able to hold her bladder. To not have migraines every week. To be able to sit up by herself without help or severe struggles. To not feel guilty for not being able to do things. To not feel pain all over her body. To be whole again. To not be angry. To not be sad. To want to live…

She is insane. Insane because she knows this is her life, but she thinks it will change. She asks over and over, WHY? Insane, because she expects an answer, an answer that will never come.

She…is me. And she wants to live again…

Blessings and Hope!

Fear · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · Strength

It is TIME!!

Tracy8 Comments

I have been hoping that the hell hospital would actually care about how I was treated there. Not so much!! Yesterday I received a letter from their Director of patient and guest relations. A basic, “We are sorry we did not meet your expectations, the nurse has been spoken to, and in the future we hope to meet your expectations.

click on letter to enlarge

I never even spoke to this person and she didn’t seem to feel the need to contact me personally. I have not slept a full night since my time there. I cannot leave my home. I can barely exit my room. I have been living in my pj’s and sleep most days since my nights are full of bad dreams. Here is the new one from last night:

*****************

As she awakens she feels pain, her arms sensitive to the touch. She looks down and sees small blood ‘spots’ from all the IV’s that did not work. Please no more. They laugh at her from the end of her bed. Their laughter is deafening and she wants to escape. Her wheelchair is no where to be seen. She drops to the floor and tries to crawl away from them. She feels hands all over her body, pinching, blood, laughter. Their faces are hidden by shadows, she closes her eyes so not to see. Wake up she tells herself, wake up, it’s just a dream, they cannot hurt you anymore. But like monsters under your bed, they will never leave. She opens her eyes, they are gone, she falls into the darkness…

March 5, 2010

*****************

That one woke me up around 2 am. Falling back to sleep was impossible. I feel so lost.

All I asked was that they find a way for people having these types of procedures to be allowed a private area for the cleansing process. To re-train nurses for IV insertions. To take care of my part of the bill for my hellish stay. [which is not going to break their bank] Not to charge my insurance for the 1st colonoscopy that they knew would not take and the IV insertion that was not even in my vein. I was told that someone would get back to me and my concerns would be taken to the proper sources. This was on February 22, 2010. Yesterday, I assume, was my answer. A generic, Sorry.

I have left message for two Attorneys thus far. I did not want to have go here, but they leave me no choice. I guess they figure people will give up as they do not have the time, the energy, or the support. Well, I have the time, energy [maybe not], support, all kinds.

Blessings and Hope!

Fear · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis

Bring me to Life…

Tracy13 Comments

As I read through my Hell hospital blogs I get the chills. For some reason the thoughts, the memories will not leave my mind. I can see it all as if I am still there. Humiliation, fear, and so many more emotions. My mind goes 1000 miles a minute at bedtime and my sleep is not going so well. I know time will help to erase some of it, but how much time?

I actually, for the first time in over 3 weeks, did my hair and dressed in clothes. [real clothes, not pj’s] I was going to leave my house and go to the store for the first time since the hospital horrors. Didn’t happen. As the time drew near to go I had a panic attack. The thought of being away from my ‘safe haven’, near my tinkletorium, made me physically ill. Xanax didn’t even help. [ya know you’re in trouble when Xanax doesn’t work!] 😛

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Still waiting for some kind of call back from the HH. Talked to them on February 22, and still waiting. How long is it going to take for them to let me know what they are going to do about this?

Is it time for the Attorney? Many are telling me, YES! Is that the only way to get them to listen, to provide quality care for their patients? Now I have some thinking to do on the matter. So, now we wait…

Blessings and Hope!

Fear · HELL

Fear…

Tracy12 Comments

My Radiology reports are ready to be picked up from the Hospital. Roger went to get them as I cannot go near that place. I get chills even thinking about it. Is this was fear feels like? I have felt fear before for tangible, reasons but never for thoughts going through my head.

make it stop!
make it stop

My sleep is off, I wake up nightly from nightmares. WTF!! This does not happen to me. Getting to sleep is hard enough with all the thoughts running through my head. [yes, I do think occasionally] 🙂 Forget about falling back to sleep after a hospital nightmare. It is the same one here, almost nightly with small differences. So not cool!

I’m not sure what to do or where to begin anymore. My MS counselor got me on track with making a list. So, yesterday I made a list of to-dos regarding what I want done due to this terror. As I do them I am checking them off. It did help a bit to calm my mind, but then it comes back at me like a locomotive.

When diagnosed with MS it took so much from me. I fought, and fought hard to regain some of myself from it. After this horrifying experience, I feel like I am right back there again. When will it get any better? Will I ever go back to me?

Blessings and Hope!

**Update – Got all the films, but no written report that WAS asked for. REALLY!! WOW!

Fear · HELL · Multiple Sclerosis · Ramblings

In Dreams – Hell Hospital

Tracy9 Comments

Due to my Hellish Hospital stay, I think this dream says it all. I have been having it more than I would like to.

She slowly wheels her chair down the corridor, doors pass, she can hear the laughter, she follows the sound. It is getting louder, the laughter, the muffled voices, she is getting closer, she is at the door. People in scrubs all around, faces lost, standing around the bed, someone is in the bed. She is crying through the sounds of laughter. Her face is cloudy, her face is coming clear. She is no longer in the wheelchair, she is in the bed, crying. Please someone help me…

©February 6, 2010

——————————-

Blessings and Hope!